Tag Archives: Women

The Slut Walk and Me

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I am all for freedom, but along with that comes responsibility.

I am all for gender equality.

But I am a writer by temperament and words to me are tangible living things.  They have power, to change the world, to burn to destroy and to bring happiness.

Being a curious person (and also because I spent most of my student years looking out of windows) I also gaze out of the window when I am driven to office and driven back home.  I see things … (no – not dead people like in that Bruce Willis movie) but I see people when they are at their natural best.

And I can not help wonder …

It is normal to see a guy hold his penis (yes, I will use the word) and urinate on the road, oblivious to the world going to work.  It is a part of his body and he feels no shame about it.  He does not care a damn about peeing on the road either.

Who is the slut here?

It is hard to find a guy not scratching his scrotum in public.  Or even farting or burping in public.  It is hard to find a man restrain himself from scratching his butt.

Who is the slut here?

Thing is that they are proud of their body organs and treat them as just that – body organs.  The functions like burping or farting are also a part of body functions.

They have not been taught to be ashamed of these things or exercise restraint.

I remember my elder son once telling me in shocked tones, “You know, that shop keeper?  He ate his food, rubbed his belly and burped loudly.  I could see a piece of palak in his mouth.  Disgusting”

I remember replying “That is just because he has not been taught better”

In my current frame of mind I feel that may be us women have been taught worse ..

We have been taught to be ashamed of our body functions.  We can not stop a bus for a pee break even though our bladder would burst.  We would die a million shameful deaths before we get the guts to do so.

We will not be caught dead touching our private parts in public.

So why in heaven’s name should we call this march a slut walk?

Words have power.

This is a walk to reclaim our self respect.  To reclaim our own rights over our bodies and the independence to decide what we cover it with.

I can not be a part of a slut walk.

I am not slutty.

What I want to be a part of is a walk of like minded women and men, who acknowledge that a woman has rights over her body, which she can clothe the way she wishes to (within norms of decency).  I want to be a part of a walk of liberated souls who state that a woman’s womb is her own, and she decides when and to how many children she gives birth.  And a walk that awakens the public to the fact that a woman is not a repository of her clan honour, her father/brother/husband’s izzat or pagri.

Any takers for that?

An awesome post “In Defense of Sluts Everywhere”

Role Reversal

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Em woke up and stretched languidly and then looked around. Her eyes fell on Y asleep next to her. A well placed nudge in the rear woke up the prone figure. Y quickly hopped out of the bed. A slight frown reminded him of his duties. He quickly scurried towards the kitchen to start the morning repast. The full bladder would have to wait. Relief would come later once Em’s needs were satisfied.

Em looked after the departing figure distastefully. Really Y would have to get his act together. He was failing to excite Em. He was too tame, the thrill was missing. Em was overcome with a strange sense of restlessness. She wanted the thrill, the excitement of the hunt and the taming.

The repast was on the table when Em came out, fully dressed. Y was busy setting the steaming cup of caffeine next to Em’s plate. Em picked up the newspaper to avoid looking at Y’s drab figure. So boring …

Em hastily finished the morning repast and rushed out. In the open she kept its eyes on the road. Soon she spotted him, dressed in shorts and a singlet. What a man! He walked around with his chest thrown out and his butt moving in a very sensual way. His body language said that he was hot and available. He must not be owned by any one.

Well, he was free to be hunted.

She felt a flush of heat in her genitals. My God! She was wet just looking at this man! This was the thrill stupid Y could not give her. That poor creature went overboard to please. It was useful, but not sexually exciting. She wanted the challenge.

Em took a photo of the man on her cellphone. She would look him up, find out all about him. She smiled a huntress’s smile. The thrill was back in her life.

She rang up home. Y picked up the phone.

“Honey I will be late today. Don’t keep dinner for me. Something has come up”

The hunt was on ….

A “Nest” Meeting

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And I met Shail Mohan of Shail’s Nest. Hence the “Nest” meeting.

I was sitting in office hardly working when a chat window opened out.

“Hi Ritu” popped up. It was Shail Mohan. Now I know Shail Mohan. She is someone who writes fantastic humor and is a big fan of Wodehouse. I like Wodehouse and I like her stories. Of course her poems zonk me out, but then serious poems zonk me out any way so I don’t hold such things against someone so nice as to make me laugh. Hence I replied “Hey Shail, wassup” or some such thing. “Can we meet?” was the question, of course worded ever so politely. The question should have been “When and how do we meet?” I was not going to miss out on meeting a weaver of some of the most profound tales I have read!

It turned out that she was in Ghaziabad. Now Ghaziabad is closer to my home than Trivandrum is. Which meant that if I swung in a chutti, I could meet her. Of course I am lousy with Geography and directions. When I was a kid, I remember writing that Nile flowed through Greece and then pleading with Godji to make Nile change its course. I have also driven to Apno Ghar in U.P. when I meant to go to IG airport at Palam. So I was a wee bit intimidated. I could, like Starship Enterprise, boldly set forth, but where would I reach? Thankfully Kid#2 and Google Maps stepped into the breach. We left nothing to chance. Kid#2 opened Google Maps on my … well, his blackberry and downloaded the app on my phone too. Shipra Mall, a place close to where Shail was staying was the place we rendezvoused. Ruchira of Nirjharini was to meet us there and Abha Midha of Daffodils, who lives in Faridabad was keen to go too. So I picked her up and off we went.

Shipra Mall is amazingly gracious a place. It is a mall, alright, but it has a certain old world charm. It is spacious and leisurely. None of the frantic feel that malls in Delhi, Faridabad and even Gurgaon have. I liked it.

The funny thing is that we were the first to reach even though we lived the furthest from Ghaziabad!

Ruchira was the first to come, and I spotted her far away. She can’t be missed. And then came Shail. The impression I had of Shail was (1) A thinker (2) Shy (3) Easy on the smiles. I got two out of three right. Shail is quiet, soft and easy on the smiles. She definitely is not shy! And she is pint sized ;)

In the picture above we had her standing on a stair to come up next to us. Of course we put her with Ruchira, who is tall :twisted:

Then we settled down for a leisurely lunch (which we forgot to order) since we had so much to say to each other :P

The waiter was requested to take the pics, and he willingly obliged. So lets forget/ignore the fact that we did not order and say that the waiter was too busy clicking us to serve us food.

Nothing like some (as Shail puts it) “refined sunflower oil” on a hot summer day ;) :P

The food at Pind Baluchi was good, the company better. And Shail was sweet enough to get us all books. She gifted me one called “The Male Brain”. It is a fascinating insight into the working of a man’s mind, though I do feel that its unfair to explain away everything that a person does by listing hormones and neurons … but it does simplify male thinking a lot.

Here Abha and I are holding on to our gifts standing right next to that awesome door of Pind Baluchi. Sigh … now I want my front door to be like that, its so ornate … but I digress

And I wanted a photo with the Pind Baluchi Babaji, I always did. This time Kid#2 and I got one clicked :lol:

To people who have put up the question on FB … this is the younger one and he has not written a novel. But he writes the most awesome poems, most of which are edgy and serious. They stump me.

Abha wanted to go once we were done with lunch (or that is the impression I got). But my son actually enjoyed the lunch. Makes me think that we are not old biddies after all! And that we are fun and witty. He suggested coffee … and hit off totally with Ruchira, both of them lamenting the fact that they have difficult and bossy older siblings. I kept shut, I was the older sibling :P Could imagine my brother joining in LOL

We exited Pind Baluchi and landed up at Barista. I did try to get myself a chocolate excess, failing which a slice of apple pie, failing which a cold coffee with lots of cream. Sadly Kid #2 was with me and vetoed all of that, All I got a standard issue cold coffee. :(

It was a delightful afternoon. I love meeting blogger friends.

Conversation at the breakfast table

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Conversation on a breakfast table

Ishaan : Ma did you see my comment on your blog

Me : smirking into my bowl of oats : And did you read what Desi Girl replied?

DIL : Singing : Desi Girl, my Desi Girl

Ishaan : What did she write?

Me : Read it, my memory is bad!

I go to get oats refill and spill some

DIL : Yeah kya kiya Mom?

Me : Singing : Jo Bhi Kiya, Humne Kiya, Shaan Se

Mercifully dogs are tone deaf and greedy, the oats were licked clean off the floor.

DIL and I get busy packing our lunch boxes and she leaves

Ishaan : Back after responding to my last two posts : Bet you’ll delete my comment. And what is with you, why are you writing such anti male posts?

Me : (Trying a lecherous look which failed miserably) I can’t write anti male posts, I love men too much

Ishaan : (Not noticing my wannabe lech look) Don’t write issue based posts. As it is, you are a novelist not a blogger.

Sigh, I need to practice getting that look right, its gonna gross out the famiglia totally ….

Me : What’s wrong in being both? Besides, my posts are balanced, I am not a male basher.

Ishaan : All your lead characters in your novels are strong females.

Me : They don’t kick men’s arses, if anything they fall in love with men and kiss them.

Ishaan : Blog about modern women who have the attitude, instead of being a crybaby!

Me : (Me a crybaby?! No way) You do that, you have a blog too

I came to work to find that he had

So had IHM

My work here is done

Patriarchy and the fear of the feminine

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There is a deep rooted fear of the feminine in the male psyche.  This fact has been noted and observed by many eminent psychologists.  Men fear women and this is the root cause of gender wars, this is an established fact.  Our psyche has been shaped by ancient religious books.  The Bible shaped the western world, and it was a documentation of the times that existed a thousand years ago.  Under the Torah and the Talmud, gender roles as ascribed to men and women were rigid, those prescribed norms define the western culture.  Our gender roles have been defined by Manu Smriti and the world as Moses saw …

The point is that should be define ourselves by age worn concepts and tattered parchments belonging to a time long ago?

It has not brought any peace and happiness to both the genders.

“Traditional gender roles” were not written by God.  They were the best way to survive in times of the ancient Israelites and the ancient Hindus at the time of Manu.

They instilled a fear in men of the female principle.

I feel that men are more affected by this than women.  The reason is that women are fighting not within their minds but against the fetters of outdated restrictions that chain them.  Their fight is outward.  Men are fighting in their minds.  First, is the process of dis-identifying with the female.  It is a process which male children use to distance themselves from their mothers, the breast they suckle upon.  This leads to their negating their own feminine side.

Then they try to fit in and become capable of achieving their traditional gender role, that of success, power and restricted emotionality.  It is strenuous, it is harsh.  They can not even cry when they hurt.  It is not “appropriate” behavior.  So they fight or attack when they actually want to shed tears and express pain.  In their minds they equate emotional intimacy, vulnerability and emotional dependency as weakness.

Carl Jung observed this and in his papers (1953-54) coined a term “anima” which he said represented the feminine side of men, the part they did not allow to integrate into their personalities easily.  Another eminent psychologist Horney said “men dread women and attempt to distance themselves from the feminine”

Why do they do that?

The reason is evident.  Any soft and emotional boy will be beaten up by bullies in a school play ground.  Men trying to be feminine will be subjected to harsh punishment for betrayal of their gender role.  This is how patriarchic society functions.

And why does patriarchic society fear the feminine?

First, it does not want power to devolve to women.  Its role would be over if that happens.  They fear the stronger instinct to survive, the child bearing capabilities and the multiple orgasms women have.  There was no effective method of contraception or abortion.  So just like ancient man tamed earth to plant food, ancient man built walls and put the women in those fenced walls, as mothers, sisters, daughters, so that he would not have to feed children not born out of his sperm.  Virginity also became a desired virtue for the aforementioned reasons.

And women who did not conform became subject to derogatory terms (all dealing with their sexuality) like slut, whore, chudail, raandh etc.

We live in times when we know that characteristics like emotional awareness, the new term E.Q. (emotional quotient) etc. do not belong just to women.  Men have it too. The masculine ideal with its purported fear of feminine characteristics and the potential collateral fear of women seems to be outdated.  We need to evolve now.

Even if our patriatchic society sanctions some horrible things, I would like to state the following :

Women own their bodies, those are not to be subject to rape (as a method of controlling them).  Women and their bodies should not be subject to derogatory terms, and women are persons, not repositories of clan or family honor.  So let us end these honor killings, the suppression, the violence against women.  All men display when they indulge is such behavior is how deep rooted their sense of inadequacy, their fear of the feminine is.

I really wish that within my lifetime, men learn to integrate their feminine side and be comfortable with it.  It would be the first step towards destruction of the patriarchal society

How much is a housewife worth

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Does any one remember the controversy that happened last year during census?

 

The Supreme Court, in a stinging ruling, questioned the government’s Census parameters which place housewives and women engaged in domestic work in the same economic bracket as “prostitutes, beggars and prisoners”.

 

I started wondering what would be the value placed on a housewife’s work … which is, as of now, unpaid labor

 

Chore Existing Rate per month
Cook 6,000
Driver 5,000
Tutor (all subjects @6,000 per child 12,000
Nurse 10,000
Home manager 30,000
Wardrobe manager 10,000
Pet Sitter 5,000
Safe sex provider 50,000 (at least)
Baby birther (don’t knock it, most families look for a fertile bride) 50,000 (at least)
Mother in law tantrums receiver 1,00,000

 

I think this is a modest estimate.

 

Feel free to add any chore I’ve left out ….

 

Now I would like any male readers I have to this blog to introspect and wonder if they can afford to get married or not.

 

If I have not lost my male readers, I ask them to value their spouses

 

If I’ve pissed them off – they are welcome to troll the comment section.  I reserve the rights to delete any comment which I dont like

 


To my older son’s accusation that this is all male bashing let me clarify, I want a housewife too, I really I really I really want one. I am working hard and hope I can afford one soon. This post is not male bashing, it is about valuing someone who makes the house a home and a group of people a family. I was brought up in a home made by a housewife. Ask Kid#2 how much he misses Naani and you’ll know the stellar role a home maker has, it is irreplaceable.

Link to Prateek Gupta’s spirited retort to this post

Marriage – the Great Indian Scam

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Again IHM set me off. Her very insightful post is the catalyst –

The stages in a woman’s life

1. Birth

Mubarak Ho Jee, Laxmi padhari hai (Translation : Congratulations, the Goddess of Wealth has taken birth). Every one smiles and laddoos are distributed. But the grins are muted, since most parents know that this Goddess of Wealth has come to not shower wealth on them but to wipe out their bank balances. They have to feed her, clothe her, educate her, and then dower her and pack her off to her in-laws. It is a thankless labor. Now if a son had been born, they would have had a dhol wala beating the dhol outside the nursing home, the laddoos would have been of desi ghee. They would have looked forward to his chola (the day the infant is clothed in new clothes) when all relatives would feast. The baby boy’s mundan ceremony would have been lavish, just like a mini-wedding feast. And the expense for all this would not pinch them ever …. After all, the son has been born!

2. Childhood

The fond parents dress up the girl in nice lacy frocks. She is discouraged from shinnying up trees or playing boisterous games. Scarred knees and competitive sports with other kids will make her assertive. Assertive girls don’t make docile brides. Instead subtle programming of the girl commences. She is gifted dolls. (Wish they gifted dolls that peed and pooped so that the girl would have a good idea as to what she is in for!). She is encouraged to love them. If she makes tea, lavish praise is bestowed on her. Of course she is encouraged to excel in school. After all, she will have to help her kids with home work. Besides these days grooms like the additional salary the wife brings home. Oh if she has excess energy, she will be enrolled into Bharat Natyam or Kathak classes. It makes the girl graceful. Boys on the other hand, can run around the colony, play cricket and hockey. They can raid the guava tree for fruit and play marbles and fly kites. If they get into fights and come home with a blackened eye, mothers will defend them. They normally are too tired to study by the end of the day. Never mind, boys will be boys.

3. Teenage

The day the girl gets her first period, the mother goes into depression. Swear she does. She is terrified. The father is tense. All the boys in the neighborhood scare the poor parents. They start clipping her wings. Curfew is imposed; the girl needs to be home during day light. She is encouraged to stay at home, learn how to cook, sew. At the very least, she needs to know how to make one dhal, one sabzi and boil rice. She is taught how to stitch on a button on a shirt. Now they start verbally programming her, “Beta these skills will come in handy when you get married.” And the other favorite of parents “Who will marry a girl who does not know how to ……” No one thinks of teaching a boy any skill to get married. He is a boy, after all. All he needs to know is how to pee standing up. And of course how to earn. For that he is being sent to school and college.

4. Higher Studies and Career

If a girl wants to take up a career oriented course that is non-traditional, she is discouraged. Hell, she is even discouraged from pursuing a super-expensive course for her higher studies. The argument is, “We will have to spend so much money on getting her married, so why?” Her brother can, after all, he is a son. The same road block is put up when she wants to pursue a demanding career, especially one that entails late hours and traveling. “It is not suitable for girls” is the argument. Why? Because it is hard to find husbands for such girls.

All through this scam, perpetuated by the family on the hapless girl, she has been programmed to see marriage as the ultimate goal in life. She is also programmed to see her parents as the ultimate sacrificing gods who are providing for her, feeding her, clothing her and even giving her an adequate dowry for her marriage.

Never does it occur to the poor sacrificial lamb to stop and consider:

i. Her brother got more liberties than her.
ii. He got to go to a more expensive college
iii. He got a car/scooter/motorcycle and she had to make do.
iv. She had to cook, learn how to help her mother alongside her studies. Of course it came under the guise of learning how to run a home. Wasn’t that manipulation? Wasn’t that unpaid service?
v. They, (the parents) have spent equal if not more on the son of the house. So what is she supposed to be obligated about?

5. Marriage

Most girls are extremely happy when they are getting married. Why not? This is what they have been programmed for since birth! The dolls, the tiny kitchen sets, the darling little ovens and pretty frilly aprons etc etc., were all not so subtle hints to what their lives hence forth was going to comprise of – being kitchen slaves – oh okay, lets be politically correct and call them home-makers. And they are just in their twenties. Poor innocent darlings, these sacrificial lambs!

Now comes the very modern twist. They are supposed to cook and clean. But then they are also supposed to bring salaries to the home coffers, by working. Now the back breaking slavery starts – they get up in the morning, cook, clean, rush to office, compete with men and women, get back home. On the way, they shop for vegetables, the groceries etc. Get home and get back to house duties.
And then they have kids ….. They could not opt out of marriage, how can they opt out of having kids? It is what they have been programmed to do – you know have homes, husband and kids!

Even if the husband does not participate actively ….

It never occurs to him to do so.

He has been programmed not to!

That is why I call Marriage the Great Indian Scam perpetuated by parents and society to keep the youth of this country completely unhappy and on edge.

Desi Girl says

Marriages are sold to women in a glossy cover, remember once a woman got married she got to wear good clothes and jewelry that was forbidden for single women.

It gave her a free license to talk about sex and sleep with a man who everyone assumed would love her.

For all these benefits all she had to do was cook, clean, make babies and keep every one happy.

Yes in lieu of her services she is provided a roof over her head, food and protection from other predatory men.

I agree up to a point …

I have seen non-desi men happy single and solvent. I have seen non-desi women happy single and solvent too. Folk who want to get married get married. Others don’t. And the folk who get married because they want to – are happy with their choices too. If they are not, they get divorced … with no stigma attached.

We seem to have a crab mentality. Crab mentality is defined by Wikipedia as

Crab mentality, sometimes referred to as crabs in the bucket, describes a way of thinking best described by the phrase “if I can’t have it, neither should you.” The metaphor refers to a pot of crabs. Individually, the crabs could easily escape from the pot, but instead, they grab at each other in a useless “king of the hill” competition (or sabotage) which prevents any from escaping and ensures their collective demise. The analogy in human behavior is that of a group that will attempt to “pull down” (negate or diminish the importance of) any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of jealousy, conspiracy or competitive feelings.

This term is broadly associated with short-sighted, non-constructive thinking rather than a unified, long-term, constructive mentality. It is also often used colloquially in reference to individuals or communities attempting to “escape” a so-called “underprivileged life”, but kept from doing so by others attempting to ride upon their coat-tails or those who simply resent their success.

I feel that Indian parents, who have been pushed into such a situation by their parents – perform the same disservice to their off springs. Which is why they want to get their kids married young – so that they cant see through the scam and put an end to it.

Dealing with an unsupportive mother

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After my last blog post, I received mails, and also some comments that touched upon the fact that the mother-daughter relationship can be an embittered one, and mine was not a unique case. To be honest, I have been crabby for the past few days, the emotions that I thought were buried and gone, resurfaced.

I felt that the time has come to write about this.

The human race has problems that no other species has on this planet. We need to wear clothes, learn how to balance ourselves on two legs to walk, and have the longest childhood. The last makes us astonishingly dependant on our parents. So we need our parent’s approval and desperately crave for it. After all for 20 years or more of our lives, we depend on them for our basic needs.

In an ideal world our mother would care, protect and nurture us, and defend us from hostile forces outside our homes. But then this is not the ideal world.

Here is a questionnaire I have copied verbatim from a book “Will I ever be good enough?” by Karyl McBride that helped me understand what I was going through and also achieve closure (to a certain extent)

Tick all the points that you feel are true of your relationship with your mother – the more you tick, the stronger the syndrome exists. Yes it is a syndrome called the “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”
 and if my words ring true, your mother has it.

1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she she try to top the feeling with her own?
3. Does your mother act jealous of you?
4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
11. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
20. Are you shamed often by your mother?
21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
24. Does your mother appear phony to you?
25. Does your mother want to control your choices?
26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
29. Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
32. Does your mother compete with you?
33. Does your mother always have to have things her way?

Now, there is nothing you can do to help your mother, who is a grown woman and your parent. There is a lot you can do to protect yourself

1. Put physical distance between the two of you. Move away, to another town or country. That way you are not subjected to negativity all the time. No one needs constant reminder of their weak points. Every one has had downs and every one has character flaws. We do not need another human being to go on harping about them.

2. Keep verbal interactions to the minimum. Do not discuss your life with her. That way, she does not have ammo to hurt you with. Remember, she will not be supportive in your misfortune and you are an adult. You do not need that support which she is either unwilling to extend to you or incapable of extending to you.

3. Do not share your successes with her. She will show the world that she is so proud of your good fortune and achievement, but when alone she will say something nasty. Say, you get a raise. Your mother will brag about it to the world. But once alone she will remind you of the time when you got dumped or were hard of money. Oh it will be couched with the admonishment “Don’t forget the hard times” but you know and she knows that she is resenting your success. If you get a raise, don’t mention it.

4. Keep your friends and your mother separate. Otherwise she will criticize you and discuss your shortcomings with them, all under the guise of being very concerned about you and your “not so bright” future.

5. This comes from point no. 4. Keep your socializing with her very minimum. Do not have joint kitty parties or the same mandir or collectively attend a relative’s wedding. You may be humiliated by her in these social settings. The wounds will resurface long after she is dead and gone.

Hope this works for you. I learnt the hard way.

The Twisted Sisterhood

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Disclaimer : This is a controversial post. I expect trolls, I expect angry rejoinders, protests etc. I will publish the printable ones. The downright abusive ones I will trash. I may lose friends but c’est la vie …

I’ll admit that I am scarred … in ways that I cant even bring myself to relive, but these are wounds that many of us carry within us. And my wounds were inflicted by women, women I trusted, whom I expected to help and support me, nurture me. This is why, I have problems, issues that do not allow me to bond too well with other women.

This is what I call the twisted sisterhood. Some women, actually a lot of women are judgmental, they are hostile and they actively go out of their way to undermine other womenfolk’s desire for self respect and independence. And these, mind you, are not uneducated slum dwellers who can be excused on the grounds that they don’t know any better. These are educated and “apparently” open minded women. The harm they do to other women is incalculable.

I thought that I had overcome these feelings. I had proved myself, I was self confident, cool and at peace with myself. After all, did I not actively encourage my own daughter in law to be the career woman she is born to be?

Look at the depths we have sunk to! Even a simple act of encouraging our own kind is supposed to be lauded and praised. Such an act should be absolutely normal and matter of course. After all, women should support their own sex. Step back and consider … do they?

It is these feelings that resurfaced when I read Sangeeta’s comment on my previous blog post …

She asked … The point is …how do you assert the right kind of human values in the minds of those women whose minds are skewed . That is the bigger hurdle i believe. If a mother thinks the daughter should behave in a certain manner , how ‘the mother’ should be ‘educated’ ….. an educated thinking woman’s idea of feminism is quite different with a ‘society conditioned’ woman’s idea of feminism…

We are our own worst enemy

How often have many of us encountered this attitude from other women :

1. You must have done something to deserve it … (if you encounter domestic violence)
2. Men are like that, they are polygamous by nature (if you discover your partner is cheating)
3. Stop whining, men don’t like women who complain (As though we like to whine ….)
4. She is like that, she is such a tease, she brought it on to herself (if a woman gets raped)
5. She must have slept with a lot of men to get where she is (if a woman gets promoted)
6. She is a slut (if a girl is more popular than others in her peer group)

Men are competitive with each other, but they bond to get certain things done, and are supportive … the male bonding rocks. Women are deeply suspicious of each other. Women do not like other women in positions of power, and would not like to groom other women to take over from them. It would take away attention from their own achievements you see.

We are deeply hostile and resent other women’s success. You know … this is why a mother in law does not like a daughter in law to excel. This is why your disapproving neighbor is so openly hostile about your life style.

We are judgmental. We judge each other on basis of housekeeping skills, parenting skills, cooking skills and even fashion sense. What is worse, we expect other ladies to judge us and find us fall short. It leads to much heart burn and stress.

We bitch about other women, we weep when they bitch about us … but we accept it too. What is more, we take it to heart and agonize about it. But do we think of changing our behavior or confronting such negative things?

Rarely

But we drop the friend. Our own inherent insecurity, jealousy and negativity costs us the friendship

Or go through life behind a mask of frozen smiles and nursing grudges

C’est la vie ….

Does it have to be like this?

NO

Men find allies, we view other women as competition, and when a man is involved as in the case of a mother in law vs daughter in law equation, the results are devastating, either costing a marriage or life time worth of distrust and resentment. If two women fight over a boyfriend, the results can be bloody.

Women excel at silent war. And we have over active antennas that comprehend silent waves of dislike and disapproval.

It does not have to be like this.

Men have the upper hand on us, because they bond and form alliances. A woman at the top is lonely. Did Indira Gandhi nominate another woman to her position or even groom another woman to become a political power? No! We are lonely and dis empowered because we do not encourage our sisters and weaken our own position.

We have to learn to do encourage other women. You know, men have the dominated us, ruled over us using our own weakness. We keep fighting and resenting each other and throwing roadblocks in each other’s path.

We have to come out more vocally in support of other women if they are suppressed and abused – not just lend a tissue and then bitch and giggle behind the poor abused woman’s back.

Leaving you with the song, “We are family, I got all my sisters with me”

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Answer to IHM’s question

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How would you answer the question

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so is perversion. Is a woman forever stuck between her desires and the moral healthiness or progress of a society?

I got this question in my mail from the one and only IHM. She has the knack of pushing all the combative buttons in my feminist psyche.

Deep deep breath, as I remind myself, I am not a feminist, I like men and love my two sons to bits.

See, this is the inherent problem here. If you protest against injustice and the skewed gender equality you are labeled a feminist/a lesbian/a dyke, a man hater and what not. If you don’t, you end up harming your own sense of self respect.

So what does one do?

Does one pick up a board like Shah Rukh Khan and march to meet the President and announce “I am a woman and I am not a terrorist erm feminist!”, eh?

And sadly our President is a woman ….

and young girls get shot by stalkers in broad daylight

6 year olds get raped and beaten up

The Delhi Chief Minister (again a woman) thinks citizens should police the capital while police men sit in the thanas and draw their salaries without doing anything. Shucks! O tempora, O mores ….

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, I completely agree.

Perversion is in the mind of sick people, not in the eye.

A woman is a human being, first and foremost and she has the right to have desires and to fulfil them. Even if the desire is for a pair of stilettos, or a drink with friends in a pub. And yes, I long for the day when a woman can kiss her lover in public and not be labeled a slut. These are simple human desires. Not unnatural or kinky. They don’t harm any one.

Sadly the truth is that women do not even have the right to enjoy a portion of the money they earn and bring to the family coffer. If they do, they are made to feel guilty. I have seen homes where a woman who takes a nap in the afternoon or sleeps before the family goes to bed is labeled lazy. That is after she has catered to the family the whole damn day apart from working in an office.

A woman is not a piece of toilet paper to be employed to clean up shit. Neither is she single-handedly responsible for the moral healthiness of the society. She is responsible equally as a man.

Why does she have to be held responsible alone?

And does her wearing jeans, smoking and drinking, even wearing a sleeveless top or showing her cleavage harm any one? Is she shooting people? Raping people?

Women do not hold up the progress of the society any more than a man does. She alone can not make the society progress either.

Why do we put such burdens on one sex and leave the other to walk free?

Now a question from me …

Are we implicitly admitting that MAN is the WEAKER sex? Is that why women are to bear the burden of keeping society healthy, making it progress?

O C’mon men are strong, they are responsible. The men I have had the privilege to meet, interact with, love and nurture are good human beings. They are caring, they help out and they fulfill their part of the gender equation.

I think if our society has sickos like the stalker who is much in news these days, the society should treat the person like an aberration and not do men and women a disservice by stating directly or indirectly that women should be responsible for all that is good in the society and reduce ALL men to being the dregs of the society.

P.S. This is my blog, my personal property. People who are trying to muzzle blogs and citizen voice can go take a hike. Any one who can operate a computer and go on the net exercises his/her freedom to read and visit any blog. If I hurt anyone’s sensibility, the person can chose not to visit my blog. Of course I annoy people, I even disparage things I don’t like, my attitude may inconvenience people, they may accuse me of blaspheming against prevalent social norms. Grow up Government, every one does all the above from time to time. it is the human condition.