Tag Archives: Weddings

Thoughts on the wedding of a niece …

Posted on by
6

1.  Why is it that the boy’s family is considered oh so superior in a traditional Hindu set up?

2.  Why is it that the girl is given wise advice on how she should bend over backwards to adjust?  I am sure the groom gets no such advise ….

3.  Why is the food always fried and if not – dollops of ghee/butter is poured into it?

4.  Why do weddings happen always in winters?  It is so chilly in the night brrrrrr!

5.  Why does some one always throw a tantrum?  It is full on drama time, with tears, sulks and tantrums, followed by the jhappis and smiles ;)

6.   Why do the pheras have to happen in the wee hours of the morning – in this weather?

Ahhh the long commutes to farm houses, the frazzled nerves, the meetings with long lost and forgotten relatives one never wanted to meet ……

Ahhh the kulfis and gol gappas and gajar halwas and piping hot gulab jamuns …

Ahhh the dhol beats, the tired sleep deprived but fun filled nights

The booze drunk on the sly, the stolen puffs of cigarettes …

The bottles of alcohol hidden in car boots, along with ice, soda and glasses.  Apparently this set up is called car-O-bar :D

Big Fat Punjabi Weddings are the best – especially if they are in the family.

Now I better get dressed and leave for the pheras

 

 

 

Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi

Posted on by
15

What Ginger Chai has given me is priceless … its given me friends in the blogging world, people one interacts closely with every time there is a team submission. The blogging world is young, its vibrant and fun filled. Of course there are ancient relics like me 18 till I die types like me, and we enjoy this youthful bonhomie.  One of my team mates, Bikram is getting married this week.  :D

When I started ribbing him, he extended a warm invite … lots of booze and kebabs for shaadi celebrations.  He knows the way to this punjaban’s heart!  Thanks Bikky – sadly since you live in U.K. and I in India, I’ll take a rain check on it.  When I come to visit the Queen, we shall spend one evening eating chicken tikka and kebabs and washing it down with booze.

Gift to banta hai na!  After all he is getting married.  So this is for you Bikram, links from the Phoenix House to crazy weddings held in the family

My elder son’s wedding Part 1

My elder son’s wedding Part II

My elder son’s wedding Part III

My elder son’s wedding Part IV

The video, 26 kisses and a fall

and of course My wedding tamasha

No!  You are not allowed to withdraw the invitation after reading our escapades.  We promise not to get into mischief (not much at least) when we do come to U.K. and meet you in person.

Enjoy!

The mad mad world of Punjabi weddings

Posted on by
23

I have been out of town for the last few days attending a wedding in the family.  I had a wonderful time meeting cousins, countless nieces and nephews and of course over-loading on food and booze.  I tell ya, no one does it as flaboyantly as the north indians.

Boisterous beats of dholki

Sounds of women singing Shava Shadak Teri Bodhi mere hath

(A folk song telling the tale of a couple getting physical while fighting)

A bevvy of nubile PYTs dancing to the song

A few young guys drowning their frustrations in glasses of whisky

When I asked them “Abby Oye, why such long faces, any longer, you would be cows”

The poor boys replied

“Dammit, any wedding we go to, the prettiest gals are our cousins …. I tell ya Bhua, we are the most unlucky dudes in town!”

Now that is a unique problem   :D

I sat with them and sympathised with their bad luck for a while.  The dholki was abandoned for the DJ playing Emosanal Attyachar ………

How apt!

I suddenly had a brainwave.  Hmmm Bacardi is known to get the brain cells jump start at crucial moments

Phoenixritu spake  “Guys, view point change karo.  Dont go for pretty, go for earthy, sexy and hot!  Forget Katrina and Juhi, go for Sameera, Shamita, Malaika types.  Sex up your lives, kiddos.  Add some excitement”

My bacardi was over.  There was silence on the table.  I think I did good there

LOL

Wonder if they’ll bring a sizzler home?????

For the “Happily Ever After” life

Posted on by
8

It was a long weekend, from Friday to Sunday. We should have actually chilled out at home, got on each others nerves, fought, made-up, but being us, we opted to go meet far flung relatives from one end of Delhi to the other. It was holiday and the only time for family bonding etc. Can you see the halo around my head? It is there I assure you, and it shines more than the Suraksha Chakkar of Colgate. If you strain to listen, I swear you can also hear the heavenly choir playing celestial music in approval.

Two of my nieces (daughters of cousins) are getting married. They were asking Kid#1 and DIL’s advise on marriage. It took all my self control to not laugh out openly and just smile and listen to the various idealistic crap they dished out – like share each other’s hobbies, respect each other, and such like stuff.

If you ask me (I know you did not, but I am going ahead anyway)

Marriage is an ongoing relationship. It freaks me out when they show crap like “And they lived happily ever after” in movies. WTF? How unreal can you get? Marriage is a journey, not a destination. Relationships grow rights and duties and money issues get negotiated and re-negotiated. Children are born, parents are looked after etc. There is no “happily ever after” in this scenario. It grows into something fantastic if you are lucky or wise – or both.

My Uncle told me – no not the Conan fan, the older and more philosophical one, that a great marriage is like a duck. When you watch a duck swimming – it looks as though it glides smoothly, but the actual truth is that it is paddling like hell under the surface of the water.

In the interest of a happy marriage, ladies, never get your husband to teach you how to drive, and men never go shopping for the dress or the shoes with your wife. What the hell, shop separately, and yes, do please try to keep two different televisions. It will keep your sanity and the remote intact.

The best advice I ever got was to fight fair. Every one has their own unique style of fighting. Some people sulk for long periods and pass snide comments. Some attack the moment they feel their turf is being invaded with the subtlety of a bull-dozer. Others sugar coat their venom and throw up deceptive veils while they bleed you and some others will use a well aimed single deadly knife to cut you deep. Whatever the style – declare war and then use your weapons with honor. And for God’s sake be rational. After ten years of marriage, don’t come out with a statement like “Your second uncle from your father’s side embarrassed me with his behavior at our wedding” at midnight. One can not call parents right then and ask them to confirm the rights or wrongs about this statement.

 

Kid#1′s wedding video – 26 kisses, tears and a fall

Posted on by
21

Kid #1 and his bride were on their honeymoon when the photographer rang me up. The album and the cd were ready and could I please get them collected. High time … I thought, and collected them on the way home. Kid#2 and I ordered a pizza for dinner, and sat down to relive the two functions. The wedding video was worth every penny I paid for it.

It began with shots of the bride with the varmaala and the groom all done up in sehra astride the ghodi. They really looked gorgeous. Then the credits rolled ……. DIL d/o etc etc and Kid#1, son of etc etc, venue, date and time – all in comic sans serif font, with a ticker tape running at the bottom of the screen of Kid#1 kissing DIL. Hindu weddings are social events, not exactly the kind of occasion where the priest would announce … “You may kiss the bride” so this was good. Nice footage, I must say.

Just as we were recovering from that one came the shot of DIL being lifted up by her brothers to garland the groom (she is tiny and Kid#1 had been coached to not bend and make it easy for her). As soon as she managed to garland the groom, she yelled a triumphant “Yes” and she staged an impromptu bhangra. Of course that moment was recorded, and put on repeat on a ticker tape at the bottom of the screen.

Whenever stuff got boring and routine on the cd, the photographer, bless his soul, ran a one minute ticker tape of either the kiss or the bhangra.

Then there is routine stuff like the bhangra by Kid#1’s pals when we arrived at the venue – followed by my fall. DIL’s friends and cousins had tied a ribbon at the gate and refused to allow us inside the venue until the groom shelled out some cash. Kid#1’s cousins and pals, caught in the enthusiasm of the moment pushed their way in. I was standing next to Kid#1 and can not balance too well on heels and in a sari. I fell. I guess it was brilliant photo-op, and has been captured for all posterity. Needless to say DIL’s cousins sulked all through the wedding because we had gate-crashed, and the DIL’s family pampered me a lot because I fell. I am glad that the fall wasn’t put on a repeat and on ticker tape. Probably the photographer knew that I was footing the bill and wisely refrained.

There is this unedited footage in slow motion of Kid#1 and DIL sitting down on the stage after the varmaala, my darling son looking totally smitten by his bride and bending down to kiss her. She saw the kiss coming and smartly turned her face so that the kiss landed on her cheek. It is all there … in slow motion. (This is the kiss that has been flashed all through the video).

Two of my aunts have not been getting along too well and all through the one week of wedding celebrations, we had been entertained by sniper fire between the two of them. The grand finale must have happened at the wedding, because there is a shot of one of them in tears, walking away huffily from the other. Pity the music drowned what the other one said … it must have been something!!! Now I will never know.

The vidai scene is touching. DIL was very brave and kept assuring every one that she was just moving to the next block of houses – so what’s the big deal … that is until her father hugged her. Then the water works started.

The cd ends with a shot at centre-screen of the kiss, surrounded by mini shots of DIL doing the bhangra.

In short, the cd was total paisa vasool.

It was eleven p.m. but I could not resist. I rang up the honeymooners and said

Me : Heyy, been watching your wedding cd right now

Kid#1 : How’s it?

Me : You kissed DIL on the stage and it’s all over the cd

Kid#1 : (After a moment of stunned silence) I did???

Me : Yeah, and it’s been repeated more than 26 times.

Kid#1 : (horrified) No way!

Me : Yup I counted

I simply love the cd …. and can watch it time and again. Of course I look forward to grossing their offsprings totally by making them view it when they are teenagers :)

My elder son’s wedding Part 4

Posted on by
19

GET ME TO THE MANDAP IN TIME

During the period between the Roka and the actual wedding both the boys wanted to know more about the rituals from all and sundry. I could not help much since I am (their words) irreverent, have a corny sense of humour and can not resist the temptation to exaggerate with the sole purpose of torturing my sons. So I smiled sweetly and told them weddings are womens’ things and they would be spared all the drama ;)

Poor Kid#1 – he fell for it.

By this time DIL and I had bonded extremely well. Nothing bonds women better than shopping for clothes and jewellery, I must say. I rang her up and related this entire conversation to her. We were in splits. Oh yes, another common ground for bonding is ganging up together on the poor man sandwiched between wife and mother. Deliciously wicked ;)

Kid#1 was being given much bhav by his in-laws. It reminded me of fattening of a calf before slaughter and I said so. Ouch!!! Sundry friends and relatives enlightened me that soon my son would change his loyalties etc. etc. Duh! I am the most un-maternal parent, and would love it if someone else took charge of my brats. Besides, he had been like an angry porcupine lately … what with all that shopping and other chores, that I was looking forward to handing him over, quills and all to his wife.

D.Day dawned and he got his first nasty surprise. We had the haldi ceremony. He had firmly told me that he would have none of that nonsense. DIL and I had sweet-talked him into agreeing to a small ritual. What he did not realize was that all his pals were waiting in the sidelines. As soon as he sat down, they pounced.

Second nasty surprise … I had called some beauty parlour guys home for the bridegroom. He looked at me totally baffled and said, “I am not getting all this shit done” I smiled sweetly, picked up my mobile and asked while punching the number “Should I tell DIL? She suggested that we do this.” Poor guy, he had just washed all that haldi stuff off himself and he got a face pack on. After the manicure and pedicure, the guy asked, “Sir, nail polish ka shade select karo” and Kid#1 turned purple as his eyes dared me to react.

Third nasty surprise …. The flower guys came to decorate the nuptial bed. I wisely disappeared at this point, and the various relatives had a field day pulling the groom’s leg. He refused to get the bed decorated, so a compromise was achieved. Just two huge flower arrangements in the bedroom – thank you so much.

Some of the ladies sweetly told him “Go to sleep beta, its going to be a long night”. I must say, no one but a Punjaban can deliver such a simple line with such a wicked punch. Kid#1 stomped off muttering huffily, “I feel like a pansy, I even smell like one! Gah! Even my room smells girlie” LOLL, Yeah kiddo, you better get used to it.

Fourth nasty surprise … he had put his foot down firmly …. no ghodi (horse). When we stepped out, there was this ghodi. I pacified him with the now standard plea, “Beta rituals etc etc and your FIL wanted you to at least sit on one for a photo”. He could have killed me then, but then who would do all the work? He climbed on sullenly for a few photos and got down and we left for the venue.

Fifth nasty surprise … another ghodi was waiting for him at the venue. He did not throw a tantrum there … all his lovely sister in laws were waiting inside the gate, smiling at him. He climbed on and we reached the gate with much fanfare. Phew!!!!

Once there, I escorted him to his throne …. and sat down to watch as the bride’s family took over. My baby, I had him to myself for 24 long years and I love him to bits. He looked so handsome. Good Luck, my little Prince – may you and your bride have a wonderful life together.

 

My elder son’s wedding Part 3

Posted on by
10

THE COCKTAILS

DIL’s parents are good people and very very responsible parents. I am totally awed by them. They did all the traditional and good stuff like having poojas and carting off both my boys along with their offsprings to various sacred places and getting them blessed. I simply love them for it. In a few months’ time, i.e. six months from the roka, they had solved the problem of relating to me by treating me just like they treated DIL. They would scold both of us in the same breath for overspending and over shopping, and try to restrain us from our excesses. In other words I felt right at home with them.

Then came the shopping and the sulks. No shaadi can happen without them. Like Mad Momma says Weddings are for women, by women and about women. Men are just there to facilitate it. Kid#1just did not get it. It was his wedding too, and why did I have to freak out buying loads of pink/red/maroon/orange glittery stuff and jewellery worth loads of money for DIL. What about him?? It did not help that his beloved and his mother looked at him blankly and said “Huh?! What about you, you’re getting your bride aren’t ya?” Mercifully he did not complain too vocally, just kept sulking. Since he is the quiet sort normally, we ignored him happily.

The wedding was in the last week of January and in the interest of having a good time I opted to host a cocktail party cum shagun cum ladies sangeet a few days before the wedding. My feet were killing me by this time and even when I closed my eyes in the night, escalators of malls and glittery saris floated in front of my eyes. I had seen enough bling to last me a long long time. This mother of the groom had had enough, and needed to unwind. I mean, weddings are supposed to be fun, right? And I don’t have parents to stop me, and the traditions were being satisfied by DIL’s side. So I could be myself and do some stuff my way. I must add over here that my sons and DIL also egged me on. Kid#1 and DIL actually refused to have a reception in lieu of a totally rocking cocktail. She did not compromise on the engagement ring though ….. sigh!!!!! It is beautiful but was frightfully expensive.

So we had a non traditional cocktail party. We organized a live band, Kid#1 wanted rock music, but thankfully compromised. My ear drums and dental fillings still thank him for it. DIL wanted to wear a sexy black dress and not a saree. I had no problems with that one. Her wedding right?? And her lovely figure and cleavage … she could do what she wanted. On the D Day the photographers were in a tizzy – they kept asking in total confusion “Aunty, dulhan kaun hai?” I kept pointing at the hot stuff at centrestage happily “Voh aapki dulhan hai, uska photo lo” until someone corrected me – “Say Voh humari dulhan hai, for godssake!!”.

The cocktails were out in the open at a farm house, and the weather was pleasant – mercifully, no rains. All those visits to various shrines bore fruit I guess … it was good weather. For the life of me I can not remember much of the actual party. I remember nervously waiting for the guests, then I remember greeting DIL and her family. By that time I must have had two drinks. After that, it is very hazy.

After the wedding, the bride and groom had gone for their honeymoon when DILs parents called me over to see the wedding album. Their photographer had been more efficient than ours – so their album and video came much earlier. I was very excited and went to their home straight from work. You can just imagine my horrified reaction when I saw the album of the function, there are FOUR candid shots of me of me downing wine straight from the bottle!!! Oooops!!!

Well anyways ….. But the best photos of that event are Kid#1 on his knees with the ring in front of DIL with this lovesick smile on his face. An enlarged version of that one now adorns their bedroom. And of course the priceless shot of Kid#2 being kissed on his cheeks simultaneously by two of DIL and Kid#1’s female friends. He has this huge smile on his face … totally ecstatic!!! That 17 year old was in heaven :)

 

My elder son’s wedding Part 2

Posted on by
18

THE ROKA

At the very outset, let me assure you that the entire story is the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God      :)

Honest!!!  Even though I have fertile imagination, I could not have invented this.  You have to admit this is vintage blogging material.      :)

I knew DIL as one of Kid#1′s group of friends, no surprises there …. so had no problems with the match.  I suppose her parents thought likewise.  Things progressed fast.  I discovered that Kid#1 could be quite obedient, provided I routed my demands through DIL, and so made hay while the sun shone.  Many life changing decisions were reached thanks to the good offices of DIL.  Then came the Roka …. the initial pooja held to declare the intent to marry so to speak.  I was in favour of a long engagement, her parents wanted a formal declaration.  Since I could empathise with their point of view  (they are the ladki vale) - we had the ROKA.

The day dawned bright and clear.  I sent both the boys to get their hair cuts, get the handy cam organised etc etc while I got busy with the millions of things parents of a groom have to do at the last minute.  I have outlived my immediate family so had invited my mother’s sister and husband as family for the ceremony.  It was terribly hot that day.  August normally is not so hot.  We had to reach DIL’s maika at 7 p.m.  I normally dont wear saris or make up.  So whenever the occaision demands, I go to a beauty parlour to dress up.  It is easy and they do a better job than I ever could.  By 5 p.m. I had left for the parlour, the plan being that Kid#2 would go with my uncle and aunt to DIL’s maika which is 5 minutes from our place, and Kid#1 and I would follow by 7 pm.  It started raining by 6 p.m.  By 6.30 p.m. it was a deluge.  Somehow Kid#1 who was looking very very handsome in his fine suit, and I (much bedecked in saree and jewellery) got into the car and we started driving down to DIL’s home.   We looked at the watch, it was 7 p.m. and we were out of petrol.  We started driving to the petrol pump, which was almost impossible …. since all the roads were flooded.  Somehow we persevered, all the while blaming each other for the lapse in judgement.  Dammit we should have filled the tank a day earlier.  Then things started getting really interesting.

1. We had almost reached the petrol pump, when the car got waterlogged and died out.

2. The entire city’s power supply went.

3. While we were wondering what to do, a truck drove very close to our car and waves of water flowed in from beneath the car floor wetting the skirt of my saree and my sandals and Kid#1′s very fine trousers and shoes.

4. Both of us stopped fighting and looked at each other speechless.  Then we started looking for plan no. 2.

5. Kid#1 decided that he would push the car while I would try to start it.

6. It was 8 p.m.

7.  We tried to start the car, we really really did …. but the car had decided that there would be no Roka I guess.  It refused.  By this time all the roads were littered with dead cars.  It became impossible to push start the car – there was no space. 

8. Kid#1′s fine suit looked like a rag, I was sitting inside the car with my saree hitched above my knees and sandals on the dashboard.  My make-up and hairdo …… what make up and hairdo?????

9. It was 9.15 p.m.

10. Kid #1 gave up and came and sat down in the car, sweating profusely.  I gave him a tissue and while he was wiping his face my foot-in-mouthitis kicked in and I said “Chala Murari Hero Ban Ne”.  He glared and said icily, “Not Funny!” and I tried (I swear I did) not to laugh.

11. It was 9.30 p.m.  The rain was down to a drizzle.  DIL’s father and brother came looking for their dulha and rescued us.

12. We ditched the car and went to their home in their car ….. and Kid#1 had his roka in his brother-in-law’s kurta pajama and I graced the ceremony in a dripping wet saree.

Ah well …. just another normal day in our insane life …………

My elder son’s wedding Part 1

Posted on by
14

I have got inspired by Mad Momma’s hilarious post on her wedding video, and so here is the fruit of this inspiration. I got married in the dark ages, colour tv was years away, and so mercifully was spared of creative licence taken by video cameramen. The only weird stuff I have is a very theatrical shot of my mehendi covered hands with ex’s face smack in the middle.

Kid#1 was not so lucky {insert evil grin} Being born in the age where phone cameras and instant recording are the norm, he simply did not have a chance. Kid#1 is reserved and did not show much interest in the opposite sex. It became a matter for concern to me since Kid#2, 8 years his junior reached his teens and discovered girls in a big way. Then the unexpected happened. Kid#1 declared that he had fallen in love ….. an announcement which led to much hysterical merriment from Kid#2 and me. No I am describing it all wrong. Let me begin again ………………       :)             :)

Gentle sounds of Backstreet Boys instead of Savage Garden are wafting out of Kid#1’s room. I walk in surprised and concerned, closely followed by Kid#2

Me : Are you okay

Kid#1 : Yeah I guess so (accompanied by goofy smile)

Kid#2 : Dude your taste in music has become bad, It sucks!!!!

Me : Nah, I think it’s improved. Wassup?

Kid#1 : I dunno …. Something is happening to me …. I feel kinda different

Me : Tummy upset ?

(Don’t knock it, in my years of child rearing I have found that Digene solves many a problem)

Kid#1 : (Dreamy eyed and all smiley ) No ……

Kid#2 : (Looking horrified) What’s wrong with you – you look corny

And rushes to the p.c. to change the music to some rock

Kid#1 : No, don’t. Just let Backstreet Boys play

Both of us : WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU??????

Kid#1 : I think I am in love

Total stunned silence … both Kid #2 and I exchange surprised glances and burst into giggles. I try to stifle the giggles and ask

Me : When ? Who?? Are you aware that you need a female to fall in love with?

Kid#2 : Why?

Kid#1 : It is {insert DIL’s name}. I asked her to marry me.

Me : Huh!!? Excuse me? Arent you supposed to say you are in love, date for a while and then propose?

Kid#1 : (With idiotic grin on face) I just know its right – so I proposed

Me : (Mentally applying brakes on my hysteria) I am so happy for you, but ……

Kid#2 : Baffled totally : Why? And why are you listening to sappy music?

Me : Totally losing it and clutching my stomach at this point : Ha Ha Ha

Kid #1 : protesting : Ma!!!!!!

Both Kid#2 and I flee from the room

Wedding Vows …. Woes?

Posted on by
4

Ever wonder why people look so dazed on their weddings? Picture this scenario ….. There is this perfectly intelligent PYT called for the sake of this blog entry Ms Y. She is wonderful, witty, charming and intelligent. Then there is this gorgeous hunk, who for the sake of this blog entry is named S, he is successful, responsible, charming etc. They are educated, can string words together to mean something, have lived on earth for twenty years minimum, so have gathered life skills. Now we transplant both of them into the mad mad world of Indian weddings today.

First we have a roka, where all sundry relatives from both sides arrive, vet the couple and their parents. Mother in laws are closely scrutinized by the old biddies, the cars by all the elderly men, unmarried girls by all the young and not so young male populace. Food eaten, the mandatory pooja and exchange of gifts done and every one goes away. Phone lines burn as gossip is exchanged about who wore what and how dangerous poor Y’s Mother In Law looked.

One can just imagine Y saying through gritted teeth “It’s about me, not S’s mother dammit. It’s my f—-ing wedding!!!!! And Page 1, Chapter 1 of Saas Bahu soap is written right there and then.

S’s brothers and friends tell S after a whole lot of booze ….. Dude your gal’s cousin …. You know the one in the green dress …… . Man she’s hot!!!! One can imagine S thinking, “Shit, I got the wrong chick” :D

All this – and it’s just the roka!!!! Then comes the engagement, and all the pomp and grandeur. By this time shopping has started in real earnest for the trousseau and the wretched DOWRY issue has also popped out of the closet. The in-laws of both sides have been branded as stingy penny pinching so and so’s. Prophets of doom have pronounced the wedding as a disaster. Y has wept on more than one occaision and S has started looking like a man who has lost the entire war at the very outset. The ring has cost him more than he expected, the circus of the wedding is getting to him. All he wants is the wedding to get over and done with and he can carry his bride into the bedroom. Oh yes, he also ogles unobtrusively at Y’s hot cousin.

Then comes the wedding. It has always amused me that the entire ritual is in Sanskrit. a language neither the bride nor the groom understand. Two perfectly intelligent people reduced to bumbling idiots. The priest spouts some strange mantra in an ancient language and then instructs them to sit or stand or feed the fire or each other. Both of them look at him blankly and obey. No comprehension is expected and none is forthcoming. Kind of weird isn’t it. Even a microwave comes with a manual written in most of the languages of the world, and it is not something that is expected to last for a life time. Marriages still are expected to last. That is if S is not caught making out with hot cousin of Y.

The plus point is that after ten years of marriage, a lot of bored hours can be spent discussing what the mantras meant.

S: Babe, the 3rd mantra right after the pandit made me place my hand on your shoulder specifically said that you must obey and cater to my every whim.

Y: I don’t believe that – but the 5th mantra said that you should keep me happy. Panditji translated it twice. The only way you can do that is by getting me diamond solitaires. You don’t want to upset the Gods do you?

And so it goes on ………………………