Planning a career – our style :)

Posted on August 4, 2008 by phoenixritu

People who have been dropping by on this blog know quite a few things about me … like I am divorced, mother to two sons, a daughter in law, two dogs and a whole lot of humans befriended by all the above – to the extent that my sons have started calling me MATESHWARI or JAGAT MATA. It is also known that I suffer from foot-in-mouthitis, but most people forgive me since I mean no harm – my foot just somehow manages to land in my mouth neatly shod in appropriate footwear as well as clad in a pair of trousers or salwar. Oh well – I never claimed to be perfect. They also forgive me because I am a great cook and love to feed friends. Those that don’t forgive me are those that did not get to feast on my Aloo Meat or Rajmah heh!!!

Another thing about me is that I just don’t know how to plan or even anticipate things at all. In my defense I plead that it saves me a whole lot of tension and disappointment. I don’t plan and have just wandered through life for the past 45+ years and it has turned out okay. I have somehow made ends meet and brought up two extremely adorable sons (I know, I am biased, but what the hell, my blog right?) My point is that I am absolutely in awe of people who have planned their life six to eight years ahead. Wow!!! When I am asked “Where do you see yourself five years hence” I go blank. I don’t even know where I will be in the next one hour. I may be dead, I may be pole dancing on the terrace, I may be sharing extremely intimate moments with Vin Diesel …yeah – kuch zyada ho gaya – but my blog ….. and a woman’s got the right to dream…………

I never planned my career … just meandered into the one I have right now. Kid#1 is a chip off the old block. He changed two lines to finally settle down to being a pilot. As is normal in our home, decisions are taken – not planned.

Kid#1 and DIL had gone out for a party a week after their roka. They rang up a friend of theirs for help as the car had met with an accident. Of course, the friend told me and naturally I hotfooted to the location. My darling son had driven the car on to the divider on the road. When I reached there – the car was being brought down and there was an audience of interested people wondering how that had been achieved. I could have told them – it was extremely obvious that the love-struck couple had been engrossed in each other were necking while driving. Thank God the damage wasn’t much and more importantly, they were safe, so I exited the panic mode and gave them a scold instead, that is all.

A few days later, he tells me – “I think I want to quit this dead-end steady, soul destroying secure job and become a pilot. What do you think?“

I thought for a minute and said

“There are no road dividers in the sky hai na? Chalega”

No one can hurt you more than your teenager

Posted on July 22, 2008 by phoenixritu

Nothing, truly nothing hurts a parent more than their spawn. All of my sons’ friends think that I am the coolest Mom ever …. and they wish that their parents had even a fraction of my “chilled out and cool attitude” (their words, not mine) and here I have kids who don’t even want to spend time with me and don’t think that I am fun. I don’t get it. Kid #1 would rather meet his friends somewhere far away from home. He and DIL will go out, and then come back late into the night. Kid#2 is actually embarrassed about me. I don’t behave like other Moms, and I use language that is similar to theirs, watch their kind of movies and listen to their kind of music. His friends like my company – which embarrasses him. Go figure that one out. It is weird. Reminded me of that Bon Jovi song which was so popular “Shot through the Heart”

So I did my research {thank you Googleji} and found out that this is normal. It is called fouling up the nest. Can you imagine, there is actually a term for this!!! Apparently kids are growing up and want to leave but since they are very close to the parents, they need to create increased levels of conflict that can provide a propellant, without which maybe many youngsters might find it difficult to leave. The entire article is very illuminating and can be read here.

I really have to show off my link making capabilities (:))

Menopause – God’s divine comedy

Posted on July 19, 2008 by phoenixritu

There are times when I think God has a weird sense of humour. I just don’t get it. The timing sucks like hell… like I mentioned in an earlier post (Yayyy I managed to make a link!!!!)

Consider this, a woman reaches middle age and is dealing with boobs that go south, grey hair, the first few wrinkles, all the chocolate she ever ate settling down on her hips and thighs – yeah its pretty stressful. God looks at this mere mortal just learning to face it and adds a deadly twist …. the said woman’s children who until then considered their mother as Goddess and looked at her with undisguised and blind adoration become teenagers. It happens suddenly. One day, these kids are tripping over themselves to cling to you, and if you hug them or smile, they are ecstatic. They wake up the next day with the thought “Who is this old witch, and why do I have to listen to her on how to run my life. She never did manage hers very well”. And if God hates that poor old woman very much, he gives her a daughter who is very upfront and tactless about how she did not want to grow up like her mother. Nasty!!! Luckily God did not give me one of those. Still I was the worst mother ever, since I did not allow the boys to go to school on a two wheeler or drive anywhere unless they were 18 and got a licence. They were at their whiney best “Every other parent allows it” I know kiddos, I am MONSTER MOM and I love it. Then they give you the silent treatment – which is lovely. I gave it right back and we had a very peaceful and less stressful home.

After you have weathered the teenage years when they are lazy, self absorbed, conceited, messy, insufferable pigs, they grow up to be decent boys you are actually proud of. You start enjoying their company. Then God adds another twist – they get married just when menopause hits you. Picture this, you are going through hot flashes, memory loss, mood swings, wrinkles, night sweats and eating binges, and the apple of your eye, the fruit of your womb brings a young nubile woman into the house and proceeds to ignore you totally. She has a butt and a bustline that burns you up, and she probably goes to sleep without under eye creams and anti wrinkle aids, and does not need push up bras. The divine comedy makes me weep.

Mortgages and Mid Life Crisis

Posted on July 17, 2008 by phoenixritu

Something has totally happened to me. I distinctly remember a few years ago that I would recoil at the mere mention of buying and owning a home for myself. I thought that once you owned one of these things, you really could not have a life. Every thing you earned went into repairs, renovations, furniture, broken plumbing, and paint jobs. My god, the commitment!. Any way, owning a house was what stodgy regular staid sane people did. I could not be tied down. That was then and this is now …

Well, I took a plunge and did the unthinkable (it must have been right when I was zoned out and thinking about what kind of legacy I would leave the kids … hmmm … too much marijuana in my smokes, what?) Needless to say I took the plunge and got myself a home in the rural pastures wonderful suburbia. It is spacious, away from the urban mess, but most importantly, it is a rite of passage into growing roots. I am one of the crazy people who can work for the same company for the last twenty years and live in the same town for the last 30 and still think of myself as a free bird who could pack and move out if things became unpleasant. Now I don’t have that option. I have committed the next 10 years of my life to living in this town and also to working my tail off to pay the loan. Now I will be thinking in terms of growing curry patta, tulsi and nimbu in my pocket kerchief garden. Hello domesticity ….

The point is that I have this image of myself as the global gypsy …. Wandering from place to place, free …. Unencumbered by baggage or kids. Me with a backyard and plants??? Oh wow!!! Funny how age changes a person ……

The Elusive ‘G” Spot

Posted on June 12, 2008 by phoenixritu

Turns out men start searching early for it, but never find it!!!!!!

Flashback to dinner table at home some time ago ….

Kid#2 : Mom what’s a ‘G’ Spot

Kid#1 : Blank expression

Me : (faintly as I recover from trying to swallow my own tongue) Ummm why do you ask

Kid#2 : Because I want to know … duh !!!

Me : Looking at Kid #1 for rescue while he tries to look deeply interested in a TV commercial : Ummm,…….. uhunh,………… lemme see …….. how shall I put it ……….

Kid #2 : Is it a place or something …. you know like Bermuda Triangle ?

Me : Giggle …… yeah I guess it is ….. giggle

Kid #2 : Bhai, do you know where it is ?

Kid #1 : (indignantly) No I don’t!!!!

Kid #2 : I’ll mail Dad and ask. He ought to know

Me : My dear son, your father knows just as much as you do about it.

Kid #2 : I know nothing about it

Me : (With a smirk) Exactly

Kid #1 : Ma, kab sudharogi ???? (When will you behave)

Both of them exchange glances, eye rolls and shoulder shrugs

Subject dropped

Boys and Bugs

Posted on April 19, 2008 by phoenixritu

It would take me a long long while to list the myriad reasons for being grateful (truly) for having boys turned men in the house. But the main thing is the bugs!!!! They are the in-house bug exterminators. Delhi-NCR has many cockroaches, mosquitoes, flies, crickets and what nots. Having two dogs means that the door is always open – wish they could be trained to shut the door after they came in. But it does offer opportunities for the boys to be amused all the time. Yeah, there is just something hilarious about hearing a grown woman shriek like a two-year-old at the sight of a bug. I kid you not, I am a lapsed Jain …. That means I can’t kill the darn things even though I might officiate in the proceedings. My D.I.L. aka daughter in law will not even do that – and she is no Jain lapsed or otherwise!!!!!

The scenario is something like this :

<!–[if !supportLists]–>1. <!–[endif]–>I scream like as though I was being assaulted by an E.T.

<!–[if !supportLists]–>2. <!–[endif]–>Sons hear me over their TVs blaring the latest metal or rock assault on ear drums and try to evaluate the level of danger (based on the pitch and the level of commitment behind the scream) and decide that Mom has had the coronary that she has been promising all these years.

<!–[if !supportLists]–>3. <!–[endif]–> They run to investigate.

<!–[if !supportLists]–>4. <!–[endif]–>They find me looking at the darn bug in anger, I raise my eyes and say like a bloodthirsty warrior squaw “Kill it, kill the darn thing”

<!–[if !supportLists]–>5. <!–[endif]–>The D.I.L. flees at this point.

<!–[if !supportLists]–>6. <!–[endif]–>The boys laugh at me. Oh and then they squish the darn thing with my slipper, while I try desperately not to puke.

<!–[if !supportLists]–>7. <!–[endif]–>I squeal in protest.

<!–[if !supportLists]–>8. <!–[endif]–>They laugh again at the sight of a grown woman who can scare the entire world with the force of her bullying tactics reduced to a bimbette at the sight of a tiny bug.

I mean, I am not scared of bugs. They would be fine by me, if I could show them the door and they would scoot into the big whole world outside. I don’t like killing them (its messy and disgusting) and they don’t understand spoken language or sign language. So I just settle for screaming in the vain hope that I could startle them to death.

I dont wanna go to school

Posted on April 18, 2008 by phoenixritu

Me: Mom, I feel sick.
Her: (feeling my forehead) you don’t feel warm.
Me: Cough! Cough! Hack!!!!!! But, I’m sick! My Tummy Hurts!

Her : You don’t cough when your tummy hurts. Get dressed, you’re late

Okay agreed that was lame, it was actually lamer than lame!!!! Besides my mother was The Big Army Chief, and us mere underlings were the poor soldiers

Jawaan, seedhe khade ho ATEEEENSHUN!!!

Ab basta pakadkar quick march karenge, left right left

And off to school we went. But I was persistent and tried again and again. I heard somewhere that putting a raw onion under your armpit works in raising your temperature. So I tried that. Verdict : Middling success. Make up works sometimes, u know kaajal under the eyes with foundation on the face. Warning!!!! Don’t rob mother’s pancake too often – you will get busted. Strategy can work, apply to Dad. Moms of this world cant be fooled easily. KETCHUP WITH HAMMING THAT YOU ARE DYING JUST DOES NOT WORK, NOT EVEN WITH DAD!!!!

My mother was simply not fooled easily. Unless you had over 101 temperature, 16 chicken pox on the body, a fracture or green snot oozing out of your nose, it did not work. My kids had it easy. When they came whining, trying their darnedest to look cute and sick at the same time, I’d look them in the eye and say “Negative marking for over-acting. Make me suffer more of that and it will come off your pocket money”, check if they had some test or something important at school and if not, they could stay home. Anyhow I was never obsessed with having over achievers.

I hate what schools are becoming now-a-days. “That place” has literally become a disturbing mediocre piece of crap that teaches to the tests and worries more about teaching our kids how to make friends and why it isn’t ok to be a bully. They rifle through the kids snacks to make sure they are healthy before they allow them to eat it, they even try to make us sign contracts every year promising to restrict tv viewing in our home to 1/2 hour a day, among other things. I always refused to sign, much to my boys’ embarrassment. Damn them for telling me how to raise my kids. They preach about why its not okay to bully and mug up, and then bully us and the kids to mug up.

Sibling Rivalry

Posted on April 16, 2008 by phoenixritu

Aaaah, it really brings back memories. My brother, a year younger to me, would blackmail me into doing his home work and then bash the shit out of me for coming first in class. I was no sissy either. Being female, there used to be a plot in the revenge I would extract. The funniest thing I ever did to him was waiting for the rain to cover this enormous pot hole (which he didn’t know about of course). One day my dream came true before the road repair dudes found it. Then I dared him to ride his bike as fast as he could through the puddle. He looked at me in distrust (I really don’t know why! ). So I called him a sissy and that did the trick. He hit that puddle full force, then found the pothole….his cycle stopped and he kept going with his arms splayed out!!! It was comical. I laughed so hard. He ran home before I could intercept him, and snitched. Got a good old fashioned butt whippin for that one!!!!! Ooooh the memories

Honestly he was such a sneaky pesky brat. He once found me in a not so nice situation (which he wouldn’t have if he weren’t snooping on me) and threatened to tell our parents. I totally lost it and the fight started in the back lawn ….. continued into the house and spilled into the front yard. The servants and the neighbour hosed us down with a pipe. He was like totally cowed down, covered with scratches, bite marks ….. I had a black eye, a bloody nose, my T Shirt was torn, and I was still bashing the shit out of him in jeans and a bra!!!!! To paraphrase one of my uncles who would routinely refree the fights we cousins had with each other —- he must’ve been a Conan and Ben Hur fan

“Attack the opponent, crush the enemy, kill them, make them flee, and hear the lamentations of their women A A A A K R A M A NNNNNNN!”

Sibling Rivalry ……… I spaced my own two sons – there is an 8 year gap between the two of them. I thought it would make the going easier. But it does kick in early. I really don’t know who has the advantage on whom. Kid #1 is fitter and stronger physically but simpler – Kid # 2 is larger, sly, and a snitch. So I guess it is evenly matched. Who needs TV when you have live entertainment like that to enjoy?

Kids now a days watch a whole lot of wrestling, know things like choke holds, arm locks and such like stuff, but good old fashioned dangal is beyond them after a certain point. I never had to rush them to the emergency ward. My two brats broke the bed, covered it up with the mattress, and “forgot” all about it. When I sat on it with my cup of tea in the evening after work, I sank into it and scalded myself with the tea. I yelped in pain and the Ba@#$!ds ran in, looked at me and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Of course now they are adults and content themselves by passing sarcastic comments on each other, or walling themselves up in stony silence. What do you know, soon they will end up respecting each other and actually calling each other Bhai Sahib instead of unprintable names.

Empty Nest Syndrome

Posted on March 26, 2008 by phoenixritu

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

Empty Nest hit me when I was not looking. It socked me in the heart and I am still hurting. First change happened when Kid #1 fell in love and got married. I was over the moon. Sure they were a bit young, but having a daughter in the house was something I so looked forward to. Boys are great, but then girls are better. Having someone to talk to me about make-up, fashion and even the colour of the curtains is great. I was so enamoured by the novelty of having a girl in the house, that I did not realize that my boy had changed. Then Kid #1 enrolled into Flight School in Philippines. It never occurred to me that this was the big change. He went as my darling boy, came back a young man. Even his marriage had not changed my perception of him as “My Baby”. Kids are lovely once they are toilet trained and dont need a 2 am bottle, and then they become adolescent horrors with harmonal overdrives that drive you crazy. Just when you start enjoying your kids as adults, who are absolutely fun to hang out with, they go away. I dont mean as physically away, but mentally and emotionally they sure do. I think most of the letting go has to happen while you are re-negotiating your relationship with your kid. He is twenty three years old, I really need to stop being Mother Hen. Picture this scenario …….. He opens the fridge and stares at it blankly, I rush in full of maternal need to feed him a hot meal and cluck around him. He gives me “the look”. I retreat in total confusion.

I know this is absolutely a small thing. The fact is that I leave home early in the morning and reach home around 7 p.m. I have done this since he was eight years old. He knows how to heat up a meal, and at 23 years of age, he knows how to operate the microwave for godssake!!!! Of late, the “roll eyes” and “the look” have become quite common. Phew!!! Here I thought I was a laid back Mom with zillions of other things to do in life. All right kiddo, I am getting the message “Mom, Leave me alone!”

Kid No. 2 has got out of school this year, and is busy preparing for entrances. He will push off to college within a couple of months. Hopefully, I will be better prepared for the changes it brings in the boys.

One thing is for certain, the house will be clean, no loud music, food bills will be down, and so will the utility bills. I will be able to watch hindi music channels on t.v., and go to bed at a decent hour. I am sure, I’ll enjoy doing all the things I want to do in life … read, write, travel (once Kid#1 gets his pilot’s licence and Kid #2 gets through college), I just got to hang in there with a smile even though poor me is lost, confused and bewildered.

Siblings

Posted on March 25, 2008 by phoenixritu

Let me just put here, as a safety measure this statement ……….. I believe it was Mark Twain who said “All generalizations are false including this one”. Of course I do not think my kids will ever read this.

Kids born to the same set of parents and being brought up in the same environment tend to be so different. It is something that gave me (an over anxious single parent) lots of anxious moments and made me feel like I was the suckiest mother ever!!! Then I started looking at other kids. Here are certain gems of wisdom – that one can learn from or discard. Feel free to do either …..

Kid No. 1 : Like the first meal you cook, absolutely memorable, perhaps the most difficult and most probably inedible. I am a first born. I think my parents should have put me on a train with a one way ticket to a land far far away !!!!! New parents get on to the job with more enthusiasm than necessary, I know of a mother who even disinfected the furniture in her child’s room. She must have been a first born too Every moment of #1′s life has been photographed, his/her world is dominated by parents hovering, agonising over every move, being over-protective and over disciplining or under disciplining the child. No wonder they tend to be most neurotic, most cautious, most succesful and most pleasing to the adults.

Kid No. 2 : By this time the parents have kind of got tired of the novelty of being parents. They tend to be more easy so they dont feature big in this kid’s world. The world of Kid No. 2 is dominated by this other being who is bigger, stronger, has all the toys, all the attention and privileges and hence must be brought down a peg or two. No. 2 is independent, manipulative, impulsive, rather indifferent to parents and other grown ups. No. 1 is passively aggressive. No. 2 is not!!!! Every thing (specially the favorite toys of No. 1) is MINE. If challenged, the water works start!!! Not easy for Kid No. 1, first being displaced from the throne of being the only baby of the family, and then having to give away your treasured possessions.

Kid No. 3 : This one is seen infrequently, what with the cost of living being so high. I encountered Kid No. 3 in close quarters in my daughter in law. Kid No. 3 is a charmer. This child’s universe is full of excitement and love from a family that’s survived the learning curve. They are bubbling with excitement, amazingly grounded (by product of being constantly bullied by siblings may be) and unique individuals. They have lot of individuality and do not conform to any stereotype. What is noticeable is their sense of balance and the ability to take everything in their stride.

I have not experienced larger families than 3 kids so I dont know much about kid nos. 4, 5, 6 and beyond. Big families are common in farming communities and labourers have large families, as each child adds to their income. I think big famillies must be fun to grow up in, though hell on the pocket of the parent. The kids must be very well adjusted.

And hey kids, if you ever read this …… specially my #1, i was joking okay

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