Mera Naam Hai Chin Chin Chu

The Chinese tag from Ramit, aka the bald guy

You should read his blog; he is funny! In fact he does crazy things like tag me by email and not on his blog! Just pulling your leg Ramit!

8 TV Shows I like to watch

1. 9XM
2. Channel V

(Both at 8 am – dhinchak music and celebrities dancing to the music eases the pain of exercising – they’re also doing it right?? Misery loves company)

3. MAX
4. AXN
5. STAR MOVIES
6. PIX
7. HBO
and how can I forget
8. India TV News : its a hoot. I watch it to destress …

My only grouse is that these days they arent doing too much of the red circles and arrow thingys. Probably run out of red markers. Doesnt give the same frantic scary feel without it. They do blue rectangles now … sigh!!! Simply not the same effect!

8 Places to eat and dine (arent both the same?)

1. My kitchen
2. My good friend J-’s kitchen (the most awesome home made south indian food) – which we then wolf down sitting on her bed with lots of alcohol
3. Kwality’s in Delhi
4. Om Ka Hotel at Jangpura for the brain curry
5. Woodlands (yeah I love south indian food)
6. Karims
7. Eating joints in the walled city
8. Thupka at the Tibetian Monastery

8 things I look forward to

1. My sons getting jobs and being successful (I will be an insufferably proud Mama)
2. Cooking
3. Going to sleep at night without waking up even once (yeah I cant sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch)
4. Boarding a space ship for interstellar travel
5. My sons sitting with me watching TV without grabbing the remote or changing the chanel, hasnt happened even once!

6. Coming home to a perfectly cooked dinner made by Kid#1. He is an awesome cook
7. My boss going out of town for more than two days
8. Dark chocolate

8 things that happened yesterday

1. Woke up at 10 a.m.
2. Went to play Holi in the colony park
3. Was so hot that overindulged in chilled beer
4. Slept (again) for two hours after a bath. Sheer bliss
5. Played Mafia Wars on Facebook
6. Won a game of Scrabble
7. Read a whole lot of blogs
8. Learnt how to take photos with my Iphone and put them on my laptop

8 things I love about winter

1. Lovely roses
2. Chrysanthemums in full bloom
3. Snuggling into a warm bed in a quilt
4. Gobhi and makki paranthas
5. Bonfires
6. Soup and more soup
7. Long walks
8. Our dogs dont get ticks (saves a whole lot of effort as we dont have to de-tick them)

8 things on my wish list —– This one is difficult! I normally just do what I wish. Umm let me think!

1. A light sabre – just like a jedi’s
2. A futuristic transporter – I wanna be able to say at least once “Beam me up Scotty!”
3. Want to travel to another planet
4. Get out of the debt trap
5. A steamy hot passionate affair with a Klingon
6. Chocolate that makes you lose weight
7. Mithai as diet food
8. A Mr. Right who is not a Mr. Boring. No aspersions on anyone – but good guys dont attract me. I have really bad taste.

8 things I am passionate about

1. I, me, myself
2. Blogging
3. Writing
4. Cooking
5. My laptop and the net connection (any malfunction and I go ballistic)
6. Reading
7. My sons and daughter in law
8. Good food and alcohol

8 Words / Phrases I often use

1. Hai Rabba
2. Awesome
3. Oh my God
4. Hain Jee
5. Yeah
6. Kya Baat Hai
7. Jai Mata Di
8. Vadhiya

8 things I have learnt from my past

1. Live life Queen Sized
2. Have faith in yourself
3. Have faith in God
4. Stay away from bankers
5. Stay away from lawyers
6. Kuch toh log kahenge, so fuck it. Its a human failing so dont beat yourself over it.
7. Be financially solvent – always
8. Take care of your health, folk can share in your emotional grief, but health is more important cause you gotta bear the physical pain and medical bills alone

8 places I would like to visit

1. Mt. Fujiyama
2. Brazil
3. Athens
4. Kailash Parbat
5. Mt. Olympus
6. Malta
7. My hostel room ~ if it still exists
8. Another planet with intelligent life

8 things I currently need/want

1. Time and money to get the home repainted
2. A 50 inches LCD screen
3. A Wii to go with it
4. A multicrore medical policy for the family (it will make me feel secure and happy)
5. A raise
6. A pay hike/raise
7. A substantial pay hike/raise
8. Godji are you listening??? A RAISE!!!!!

8 blogging buddies I want to tag

You – yes you who are reading this! Consider yourself tagged!

My wedding drama

I am picking up Monika’s tag with a lot of mixed feelings. Its not because I feel embarassed or ashamed about my wedding, but its more like “Do I want to revisit the scene of the crime in which I got caught?”. I mean if you have made an ass of yourself, and got caught at it, you’d rather not go back and view the entire episode once more would you? But then – the quotation “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread” was coined by wise people when they met and analyzed someone like me I guess.

Ex is part Bengali and part Punjabi (Khatri+Arya Samaaji). The appelation Khatri+Arya Samaaaji has been keyed in because it has a significant role to play in the entire story.

I come from a stock of part Punjabi Jain and part Punjabi (Khatri+Arya Samaaji).

When Mom was opposed to the wedding, she yelled at me : He’s Bengali and you’re Punjabi, what will your kids be?

“Mongrels!” I yelled right back

I never thought of not having kids, idiot that I am! I would have been a very wealthy bitch if I did not have such bad tastes, but possibly snotty, unhappy and bitter. Ah well!

My parents decided to get me married to a suitable boy.

I decided otherwise. So wedding no. 1 happened.

Ex and I eloped in the inauspicious month of shraddh, a pandit was abducted and forced to perform the ceremony in someone’s disused factory. A person was introduced to me with “Hey Ritz this is your parent who’s gonna do the kanyadaan” and I said “Hi howdyodu!”. I was freaking out, breaking into cold sweat every single second, but was adamant that I had to marry this guy and this guy only. Ex was part grateful and part streamrollered by my determination. Photographs were duly taken as proof (the court required them). We partied, and then I went back to the hostel and Ex went back to his place.

Wedding no. 2 or the wedding that did not happen

A friend who was studying law escorted us to get our marriage registered by the court. The court required the banns to be published plus there was this little, minor, teensy weensy issue of the bride’s age. I had a melt down, screamed at the love of my life, quarreled with said friend and generally behaved like a diva. I could see ex having serious second thoughts about our future life. His fault right? He should have known better that to fall in love with me.

Wedding no. 3

My father smartly decided that me and my mother, both of who could be depended upon for even disagreeing about the colour of milk (white/yellowish white) could settle the issue of my wedding. It was simple. My mother refused to recognize it, and I refused to come back home from the hostel unless she did. Ex could pay the hostel fees, big effin deal! We had rounds and rounds of verbal bouts. I decided that I would never laugh at a B grade romantic Hindi movie again. My life seemed to be running true to that format. Things came to head one day when we met at a neutral place (a coffee shop) and I refused to take pocket money from them on grounds that I was married and did not need it. Told ya, I have the makings of a snotty bitch! My kids nip such developments at the bud and keep me humble.

My father, hitherto a quiet and concerned spectator, interjected before Mom threw her coffee at me and I walked out. He said “Okay she is married, so lets just leave it at that. We can acknowledge ex as son-in-law, and we can start life and rebuild relationships”.

I burst into grateful tears and said “Papa I love you.”

Mom was horrified “Log kya kahenge?”. But oh well, at least he had some Punjabi Khatri blood in him. Oh she also had fears that a marriage done in shraddh could never be good. So she insisted I have proper feras. So dear readers, the roka happened 14 days after I got married! Told ya, my life is frickin insane. The kundalis were matched by a pandit who (man gotta give him 100% for accuracy!) said “They’ve already got married!” in front of my Tayaji. Mom had a melt down. Then we had the ring ceremony and the wedding.

Phew!

My friend B…. once observed when the marriage was in doldrums

“Ritz you got married thrice”

“Yeah I know”

“To the same dude!”

Me with a deep sigh “Yeah I know, dont rub it in!

Yeah I know …. I know …… I am frickin insane!

I tag the following

Tikuli

Shail

Indiyeah She recently got engaged so may have interesting stories

Soli

If you like this post, do vote for it at indivine

Down memory lane on Valentines Day

So when did you first fall in love?

I fell in love for the first time when I was about ten. As per my kids, I was not precocious, just a damn fool. I think I agree.

But the moment I came upon a pic of his in a magazine or I heard his voice on the radio, I would simply melt

All the King had to do was sing “Love Me Tender” or “Dont be cruel” and I would melt. Thank goodness there was no television those days otherwise I would have been lost without any redemption at all.

Remember this is the time when dardnaak muhobbat ke gaane were so in on Vividh Bharati and Mohd. Rafi reigned supreme. Well the poetry of the sad emotional songs was good, so was the melody but this was so not my thing.

My idea of a broken romance is “Move on dude, there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. So the sad mournful music of the time like this … I could not empathize with it

Thankfully we had these dudes

and then these guys came … they could sing and look pretty!!

This was young, joyous and life in technicolor.

Then of course came the Angry Young Man

He was tall, hot and could kick ass. He was not into faltu ka emosanal attyachaar, and thankfully neither was India. I even wrote him poems and love letters which I never sent Sighhhhhh. One of them made history …….

I am putting a version of the one I wrote – Mom burnt the original but my siblings remember the gist and that is what I am repeating here …..

Dear Vijay

I love you. I love the way you walk into the room. My friends and I stopped breathing when you walked in wearing your uniform. I can follow you wherever you go, anywhere, everywhere, over the sky, under the ground (okay I kind of went overboard, but I was only ten or twelve whatever ….)

When I see you angry, my heart beats for you, when I see you smile, my heart beats for you, when you just stand there, my heart beats for you

All my friends want to marry you, but I want you to be mine and mine only

I love you

Ritu

Well, my brother found it (the snoopy pest!) and he showed it to my cousins and somehow my mother got to know about it. Oh I must add, I had used pink pens to draw hearts all over the letter. I added stars too ~~~

My mother was not impressed by the artistic and literary masterpiece. I was so dazzled by the movie, which I had seen thrice in 3 days, I had addressed him as Vijay and not Amitabh Bacchan! She thought some soldier or cop was the recipient of my ardour. You can imagine the commotion at home! Sigh!! The course of true love is never smooth and easy.

In real life my encounters with the opposite sex were not so good. The first guy who kissed me – well, I pushed him into the river. I was so offended – though for the life of me I cant understand why! My siblings would always advise prospective suitors to first learn swimming.

Romance and I dont sync well I guess! I’d rather drink and observe Valentine’s Day toasting to other peoples love and eating chocolate.

Romance comes and romance goes, wine, cheese and chocolate last forever. If you dont believe that – try to get rid of the weight you put on eating these

Raaz : Iss Janam Ka

I’ve been watching Raaz Pichley Janam Ka with great interest.  Anything to do with deep seated memories, fast forward to future or a trip to the past simply fascinates me.  Sci Fi, extra terrestrial life forms, fantasy, occult are stuff right up my alley.  I normally avoid the television and the serials completely.  They piss me off.  This does not.

Me being me ~ how could I just be content with watching.  Like I said once while discussing blue flicks, spectator sports simply do not interest me.

So I decided to hunt out some one who could do P.L.R. for me.

Me : I want to get my past life regression done

DIL : Oh for godssake Mom!  Why?

Kid #2 : So do I!  Suppose I was a King or a mad Scientist it would be fun.  I’d know where I hid the money and could recover it or I would know some fantastic things I had invented.

Me :  Heyy this is about me!

DIL : Why is this family so insane?

Me :  Dunno babe ~~~ You decided to get hitched into this family, so it follows that you are insane

Well after the customary argument, I set off to get my PLT done.

The therapist I picked up played a spoil sport

Therapist :  Any phobias?

Me : None

Therapist : Any deep seated issues ~~~

Me : Well I had an awful relationship with my mother

Therapist : And

Me : She’s dead now ~~~

Therapist : And

Me : Thinking deeply : Well I guess I dont wanna meet her again in any life

(gwarsh!  This sounded lame ; even to me)

Therapist : You know you need a question that you need answered or an issue you need resolved – so first figure them out before you venture into such a journey.  It costs a lot.

Me : So?

Therapist : I guess you first resolve issues in your present life

Me : Mucho dissappointed

So I guess I need to introspect – actually single out issues that need resolution – in the pichla janam to go for a trip

I was talking to Kid#1 on the phone, actually complaining that the darn therapist actually stalled me!

Kid #1 : Huh!  If you wanted to go on a tour of Europe, Go visit Egypt or Greece I could understand!  This is weird

Sigh!!!  Yeah!  Guess I am weird- but I so wanna!

New Year Resolutions

(Image courtesy www.elfwood.com)

So what are your new year resolutions?

Have you made a list which contains the following

1. Lose Weight

2. Get out of the debt trap

3. Stop smoking

4. Start an exercise routine

5. Join a gym

6. Learn something new – language, skill whatever …..

Errr Halt!  Enough of that

You’ll have cheated on your diet, missed gym and bought the absolutely darling gizmo before you know it.  Happens every February you know

SOME NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS THAT HOPEFULLY WILL WORK

1. “Be yourself, everyone else is taken” Nah I didnt say it, Eleanor Roosevelt did.

2. Act your age, think your age …  Mohammed Ali once said, “If a man of fifty acts like he did when he was twenty, he’s wasted thirty years.”  I would add, don’t try and date the cute bimbette – you wont have anything common once the lust dies.  On second thoughts, go in for the ride, but dont look for a lasting relationship.

3. Fall in love – with yourself, with life, with this world, yeah with someone.  It truly is a wonderful place to be in.  For the die hard cynics – You might as well …. since you aint going any place else soon

4. Do some springcleaning.  Throw away all the bills, the warranty cards for things long since dead and gone.  Keep all the love letters, hand made cards made by your children.

5. Go through the old albums, laugh at the wierd hairstyles and clothes.

In short the only New Year Resolution that works is to live, laugh and love – sincerely with your whole heart.  It is the only way to live

In fact, I would also add, if you wanna hate – do that wholeheartedly too.  Experience the emotion, break a few plates, throw a tantrum, scream … do what you have to – and get it out of your system.

Then you can get back to doing what you  should be doing … living life KING SIZE~~~~~ QUEEN SIZE

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Once upon a Time ……

There was this young girl, skinny as hell, walking around with a permanent cold (sickly actually), an introvert who preferred reading books to interacting with boys who tried to feel up more endowed girls other social creatures.

The girl then discovered food, and started getting comfortable with food and herself ….

and more comfortable …….

And more comfortable

And now the girl has morphed into me …..  It first started with a bit of a bulge, which I dismissed as aftermath of second pregnancy

Then thighs started thickening, so I switched over to salwar kameezes while battling for a divorce, thinking it was stress and would go away ……

And then I hated the idea of started to get into the huff and puff mode!  I mean who needs that in a full day of work, meals, kids homeworks, shopping for groceries and battling lawyers, mother and all that life effin throws up.

Then came son’s wedding and two major surgeries in two years! 

By that time I had got blase’.  I convinced myself that my self worth was not based on my waist size, and since I had managed to remain reasonably healthy, no diabetes, blood pressure and ticker going strong, it did not matter.  I was not here competing with Priyanka Chopra’s figure hai na?  Besides a slim svelte figure is such a superficial thing ……..  I am more cerebral

It all fizzled out when I spent a sleepless night battling acidity and saw myself in the bathroom mirror next morning.  I looked like Bellatrix Lestrange on a bad day ballooned into a watermelon

 

NASTY!!!!

But that did not phase me out.  What did was the sleepless night!  Told ya, I am wayy more cerebral than your average person who values good looks and health      

So ladies and gentlemen I have started cooking healthy, feeding my family more innovative and light meals. 

I have also started trying to run – it converts into a trot – pant – groan – pant – walk as of now.  Never mind WE SHALL OVERCOME

…………………………………………………………………………… ………….SOME DAY

DIL tells me that I should bow in front of her, since it is she who pointed out how unhealthy my cooking was.  Madam, here you are, this is all the bow you shall get BOW WOW!

Kid #2 has started looking slim, instead of Laddu from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam.  I foresee a bevy of hotties around him in a short while

As far as I am concerned, well I am much too old a sinner for fat cells to give up easily.  They cling, and rebel even though I am huffin and puffin and the friction of my thighs against each other could start a bonfire.

I may not climb the Everest or date a Sherpa …..

I may not win the Olympic Medal and kiss Obama while he gives it to me …… sigh! drool!!!

But dammit, I do get a night’s undisturbed sleep

That is reward enough!

The X and the Y matters

I think I really had it easy as a kid.  Was the first daughter after a long ffffffffreaking long run of male children and made much of.

Then I had two sons ….

Even the dogs I had were male …..

The cats I kept did not matter since they know they do not belong to Earth and are here on temporary visa anyway!  So they keep to themselves.

Well the scene sure has changed!

For such a long time in the house I was the only one with a Y chromosome (correction, the only one with a XX chromosome!  Thanks people)

Now I live in the house of estrogen.

Two sons and two dogs are male but they cant keep up with two women and one female dog!

Welcome to hormone nightmares!

I am menopausal and can be totally unreasonable

DIL is queen of drama, so she can out-do menopausal me any time.

So where does this all take us?  Straight into the “Ismey tragedy hai, Ismey no one understands me hai, Ismey I will not listen to logic hai, ismey nobody loves me hai, Ismey you better listen to me hai”

Yeah like I said – Even one of the dogs is female

Two men and two male dogs are no match for

Jeannie the “Oh look at me I am so pretty dog”

DIL the I know I am right even if (in rare cases) I am wrong …. and gawd help you when my PMS flares up

and

ME , the no one loves me appreciates me values me I wanna go back to the galaxy far far away that I belong to.

Pheww !!! This is why protein bars will never work in my home.  Chocolate is the only solution.  I am gonna buy sackfulls, the stock is low!

Of Learning the Lessons

“In the natural world you have no friends and you have no enemies. You have only teachers” Dan Millman

I do not think a squirrel would say he hates the cat. He is just going to make tracks asap. A cat will climb curtains and sit on the pelmet rather than try to make polite conversation with the dog all the time plotting how to settle scores. To hate a person, or make friends or try to get on is a human condition. Another burden to carry on our already overburdened shoulders. Hence we have enemies and friends.

When I was much younger, and I was studying for my Jyotish Shastri, we had an instructor who was excellent. In fact his observations of the human condition, our foibles and foolishness gave me much of my gyaan. He would never tell a person that his Shani was bad. He would just say, “Learn, since Shani is a great teacher, very patient. If you fail class, he is just going to keep sitting there until you pass out”. I found that amazingly positive.

I went into marriage a cocksure arrogant bitch. I knew I was perfect, smart, intelligent and witty. It is at that time I realized that Ex came into my life as a teacher, not an enemy. He came to teach me ……..

I often wondered what he came to teach me.

One day I was sitting on the terrace and watching Kid#1 practising Tae Kwondo kicks on the wall. He would over-reach, kick and fall on the hard roof. Then he would pick himself up and have another go at it……

Kid#2 would be sitting next to me with all the keys that he could lay his tiny little hands on. He would line them up and try each and every one of them on all the sundry locks that he had collected through ages…….

Both headstrong, both stubborn and both tenacious….

Genetics is a pretty powerful thing. Both have a very similar character trait to mine. I could recognize kindred spirits.  I realized ex had come in my life to teach to teach me that I was unteachable. I thought I knew it all and
didn’t need to learn anything. Boy, did he prove me wrong! When he got done I had the stuffing knocked out of me, was finally looking for answers.

Hey B!!! This is in reply to your exasperated question : Kis mitti ki banee ho? Itni khush kaise ho?

All that I have in my life, all that I have achieved has come true because of that one experience in my life! So you see, there are no enemies …. there are no curses …

There are only teachers.

All about wanderlust

Ever noticed that one has cycles and mood swings always?  I mean yesterday was cloudy and it rained.  That was fun.  For us in this side of the globe, rain is

a) Never enough

b) Never unwelcome

c) Never bad weather

I can not identify with stuff I read about rain being dull and dreary.  WTF

We love rains, because rain for us means life!  Chai Pakora time!  I was thrilled.

The boys had gone out grocery shopping.  No you cant call child abuse or human rights.  Them stuff dont live in India.  Besides I think its good training for them.  My sons are house broke, they cook, wash clothes and grocery shop!  I am too cowardly to get them to wash the dishes.  I am scared that they would end up breaking them on my head!  Never mind, they can do this much and will make their wives happy, its enough. But I digress.

Yesterday I was happy and since the boys werent around, I made myself killer pakoras and had tea pakora for dinner!  I know I really push it!

Today is hot.  The sun is out and its hot and sticky.  I’ve got the blues.  I want out.  I am tired of parenting.  I am tired of wondering what to cook, how to balance the money with the needs, all I want is to take off.

I’ve done it earlier.  Just pushed off for a couple of days to recharge batteries.

My modus operandi is simple.

Check out the money in the bank.  See where I can go and park myself.  Only rule being that I dont know any one in that town.  Take off.

Come back chilled, destressed and ready to put nose on grindstone.  All I need is a room, TV, and of course enough vodka to pass out.  Simple wants arent they?

Wonder how other people unplug from the daily grind ………

Calling all spammers out there!

I dont know how much spam you all get on your blogs!

On a good day I get 250 approx!  One a slow day about a hundred!

You can call me crazy, but I check out each and every one before deleting, because some friend or fellow blogger may have commented and the spam filter may have snagged it.  I dont wanna treat friends like that.  So, feeling very virtuous I check each before deleting.  It is my good deed for the day.  Makes my halo shine!  Angel Ritu to the rescue!  :P

That gets me to the crux of it all.  Does spam actually work?

Somebody from a blog named benefitsforhormones(dot)com wrote this comment on my blog entry titled “Planning a career our style”

Thanks for this. Bookmarking your blog.

Why?  To send more spam my way?  Besides what has that blog entry do with stuff you are plugging?

I write a poem to my non existent waist and Car rentals from Mexico wants to sell cars on it.  I fail to see the connection. ….

My elder son’s wedding blog posts have attracted spam from a whole lot of valium and other sleep inducing medicines

Dudes!  Well, if one sleeps through the night, one has no wedding!  Some one please eductate them!

Abhi toh I havent even got into the Free Animal Sex and other pervy stuff that comes on various tags like the self help category      :lol:

Have to admit that I do see a connection there …….

Porn spam does focus on tags, I guess.  The rest, specially the medicine ones are so random!

One die hard optimist is this one

I Love the way you write…thanks for posting

Comes from various mail ids to almost all my blog entries ……..  Persistant fella

And the one that says

I did not know that!  Thanks for the information!

The only reason I did not fall for it was it came on posts that were NOT informative!

Yaara, chodo na!  Nakal mein bhi akal chahiye should be changed to Spamming mein bhi akal istamal karo

To translate this : You need to use the brains God gave you, for cheating as well as spamming.

Leave me and my blog alone please!

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