I like doing this on scraps of paper, in diaries and journals – the first time I am doing this on my blog.

Folks the laptop is showing me the Windows blue screen which in geeky parlance is equivalent to

Sigh!  Hence, no writing at home, and office is normally a distracted kind of place.

I have just killed off someone in my novel, and I need to either resurrect the person (thereby changing 3 chapters) or get someone more interesting (needs lots of grey matter).  Sigh, the guy was interesting but a pain so I killed him.  Aah the pleasure of playing God! (It also gave me 2.5 chapters mileage – can’t knock that off!)

Here goes :

Dear Ritu

You are a lazy bum, you know it, I know it – but we’ve got a great act put together.  Folks think you are driven.  Took me all my self control not to snort tea out of nostrils when the poor deluded guy said so.  So what if you are already on your third novel.  I can see you roll eyes at me.  Oh, ohkay, I know, I have to motivate you.

Here is my 6 point program

1. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

I kept shut when you multitasked by shelling peas with Karan Johar on the idiot box.  What you cook for dinner is none of my concern.  But when you tell me that you want to write the next chapter watching Arnab Goswami conduct his inquisition – i.e. The News Hour!!!!  Seriously who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?  And stop drooling, the guy looks like a tight assed school principal.  When the computer comes back from its hospital, no News Hour.  Hopefully World Cup will have ended too!

2. Short cuts are the longest routes to take.

If you had not got irritated by the character you wanted to bug others with and then bumped him off, you would not be biting your nails right now.  Look what short cuts do?  And don’t shrug and say “I only write for myself”.  That kind of unrealistic arguments did not look good on you when you were 30 and certainly don’t look good on you now!  Never ever sell yourself short or permit yourself to be ordinary.  You gotta be exceptional.  If you are going to be a pain in the ass, be a royal pain in the ass!  Get the picture?  Nothing shoddy or sub-standard for us.  And yes, be practical and realistic.

3. Do not aspire for mediocrity

Remember there is only one you and that one you is unique.  It is tempting to copy others or imitate.  Does not work!  You just become a cheap copy.  Oh yes, if you want to emulate someone, make sure that the someone is really special.  Otherwise you will end up being less-than-ordinary.  Even HimmesBhai with his nasal voice and Adnan Sami with his “gulping down a gulab jamun” voice brought something new and fresh to the table.  Do that.

4.  When in a rut do one thing that scares you

Even if it is burning your hair.  It sure as hell gets you out of the rut.  Better still if that one thing is risky.  You are doing so much fire fighting that you are invigorated and pumped up.  (I burnt my eyebrow yesterday hence the analogy).  It sure got me out of my whiny cribby mood!  For the less adventurous people, make new friends.  It always works.  If gives you something new to learn, to find out.  Or eat at a different place.  I think routine kills the joy of life.

5. It does not exist if no one has written it, you have not lost weight unless it shows on the scale

One may have a fantastic idea or a brilliant novel in the brain – but unless it is there in tangible form, how can one be sure?  And statistics prove that people who weigh themselves regularly are the ones that lose weight.  The rest regain whatever is lost.  As a corollary to this I will add : Romans had the right idea of burning their boats, they had no place to go but forwards.  Chalta Hai attitude is just that – mediocre and chalta hai.  Set your goals and move forward to achieve them.  No Arnab-on-the-side or Koffee with Karan.

6. Be real and be honest

Even if you are a rogue.  And people keep you honest and real.  Good friends and family tell you the truth about yourself.  Value them.  If Duryodhan had valued Vidur he would not have been a pompous jackass and would have seen through Krishna’s and Shakuni’s machinations.  Yes, my take on Krishna is different, he was definitely a fore-runner of Chanakya.  Be kind to people in distress, help others if you can, if not, guide them to the best of your abilities.  Remember, it always helps you in the long run.

Now get off your fat butt and get your laptop repaired.  And get the third novel out of the way

Your sane and rational self