What Price Parenting?

Posted on October 4, 2008 by phoenixr

This is not a politically correct post – but then I am a politically incorrect person who has lived a topsy turvy life – so you can’t expect me to be prim and proper, and only talk about socially accepted issues.

I got a call yesterday from a friend of mine and we talked late into the night. This lady has grown up children and a husband …. and she was depressed because her mother was coming to live with her for a week. She is uncomfortable because her mother has always shown her disapproval of the kind of person this lady is. Now, this lady is over 45 years of age, well educated, has a good career and has raised and educated her children who are decent kids.

A very young colleague of mine was widowed last year. She moved in with her parents (which I had thought was a big mistake) and now hates her mother completely. Her mother finds fault with everything she does, and then snoops into her cellphone, mail box and even her accounts. She has bought herself a flat and is planning to shift during Dussehra. Her parents are fuming because they hate the idea of a 30 year old woman living alone with her children.

The closest bond in a family is perhaps the mother and daughter bond. A bittersweet relationship, it goes through many ups and downs but you know that no matter how much you fight, when you have to face the world, you will be one! Some mothers and daughters like me are not so lucky though. They end up with strained relationships, which either get resolved years later or never at all!

Mothers are very critical of their daughters and tend to be relaxed and easy going with their sons. My mother would criticise my cooking, my weight, my choice in clothes, the way I talked, sat and walked. She would openly talk about the bad choices I made in life (given the life I’ve lived, I sure made it easy for her heh!) with every one including my sons, colleagues, friends and even my maid. We were at war most of the time with a bit of uneasy truce thrown in. At first she gave me hell for getting married (she was absolutely right). She blessed us only when I was smart enough(?) to have a son. Dont ask me, I still havent understood how my brain got involved in the process. Humph. Any way ….. and then she gave me hell for my divorce. She pushed/cajoled/bulied me and ex into having the second baby, knowing fully well that the marriage was breaking up. She used tears …. we had lost a young boy (my brother) and we needed more family members etc etc. Afterwards she blamed me for having two kids and then leaving them to go and work. I had to – who would feed them? She lived with me for the last 12 years of her life, in which I supported/funded … whatever ……. and she was never grateful or even decent about it. It hurt her ego as a parent to acknowledge that her daughter could be capable of supporting a family. Especially the daughter who, in her opinion, was a disaster. Her basic tragedy was that her son died and her daughter lived. She said it very openly in the first few months after my brother’s death … and then showed it in countless petty ways later. I guess she would have been able to make her son dance to her whims – her daughter she never understood or approved of, and so could not manipulate. Bullying never worked with me ever ….

Why is it that some parents do not realise that the umblical cord is cut at birth. The child you give birth to is not a mindless clone or puppet to ape you or dance to your tune. He/she is another person with ideas, dreams, drives that can be very different from yours. Why is it that some parents never realise that all the child actually needs is parental approval of his/her worth as a person and unconditional love and understanding. Some parents withhold their approval of the major decisions in their childrens’ lives i.e. the choice of career and the choice of mate. Many young people do get married or pursue their chosen path inspite of all that. It creates such a big wedge in the relationship. Who ever gave parents the idea that they own their children dammit? We are at the best guardians, and at the least caretakers of these young people who share their lives with us. We as parents are blessed to have these young people sharing their energetic and vibrant selves with us for a part of their lives.

Dont get me wrong, my mother was a very nice lady. She was an excellent home maker, great cook, a very affectionate and caring grandmother and had tremendous leadership qualities. In another age, she would have been upper management in some corporate set up. Her problem was that she never realised that I was not her clone and would never be so. She also could not accept the fact that women can live a perfectly respectable and healthy life without a husband and that divorce does not automatically make a woman cheap.

There was a movie starring Rekha called Khoobsurat. The mother (Dina Pathak) in that movie reminded me of my mother.

Cartoon Network and Life

Posted on September 24, 2008 by phoenixr

You must have seen those old cartoons – the ones in which a character runs off a cliff and keeps running? He doesnt fall and keeps going on until he looks down. And then he plummets to the ground screaming. That, people, is the perfect depiction of life in general, and parenting of grown children in particular.

One is told in school that as long as you get good grades, be polite, honest and true, you have it made in life. So one hunkers down, works hard, deals with boring subjects, doesnt kill fellow students or bash up idiosyncratic teachers. “Padhega likhega banega nawab, khelega, koodega, banega kharab” was what we were brought up to believe. So one played by the rules, studied hard, got good jobs…. and thought ahh now we are in control – - but are we? Providence does have a corny sense of humour and just when everything is going absolutely right, Providence throws a googly. And like the cartoon network character – one runs off the cliff screaming AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE

Parenting is also somewhat like this. There I was, running along on air for all these years, thinking that, so long as I raised those kids “right,” I was big momma, in control. And then, after all that time of living with this nice cozy illusion, mine became teenagers and with all the sassiness of teenagedom, they shook the stuffing out of me. I started realizing that I’d been living a lie and there are no guarantees. Not their safety, not my sanity, nothing is really under my control (except maybe the car keys, but I had to keep hiding them in newer places all the time. And then I kept forgetting the latest new place, and they would obligingly fish them keys out and give ‘em to me.) Gaaaah!!!

Now I have three young adults at home, and I normally don’t even know what time of day or night it is, since they are in and out all the time. I have started feeling kind of disoriented. They keep wierd hours. Yesterday they decided that they would have dinner at home with me. I have got so used to them picking a bite on their way in or out of home, that I have tailored all our meals into take-aways. You know – like rolls of roti and sabzi or Idli+chutney. Yesterday was full house, I was mother hen and all my chicks were around me. Such total control. We had a sumptious regular dinner, and after that, Kid#1 and wifey went out for a movie, Kid#2′s friends came over and he left with them. Ah well – that is routine now with a half-way empty nest.

I wonder what life brings next. I was reminded of the cartoon network analogy. My big question is, when do we stop screaming AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE ?

My little girl ain’t gonna grow up …. EVER!!

Posted on September 1, 2008 by phoenixritu

Seriously people, I am having a big attack of giggles. It doesn’t help that people around me think I am bat-shit crazy and scrunch their noses at me as though I stink like cat’s pee. It began this morning in the car park at office. One of the perks of being senior management is that I get to come to office sedately at 10 am while the lesser mortals have to clock in at 8:30 am. I noticed that one of my subordinates came in just after I did. So I beckoned him to read him the riot act kindly ask him if all was well. The young man looked as though he had not slept well the night before. Apparently all was not well. His little girl, about 8 years old had been given a love letter by one of the dashing boys (also 8 years old) at school. The love letter was discovered in the child’s bag at home-work time and it led to major commotion in the house.

Alright I admit, I was curious to see what kind of literary masterpiece 8 year olds exchange. So I was sweet, understanding, sympathised with him and even overlooked the late coming and asked him to show the love-letter to me. At 11 am he came to my room with a outsized envelop, dropped it on my desk as though it was some half eaten bone the dog dragged in, and left. I opened the envelop and found a folded sheet of note-book paper. It had no stick figures holding hands, no ILUVUs, no crayoned flowers, just the name SANDIP written some 30 times or so. Apparently the beau was so hung up on himself (or knew no other word in written language) that he wrote his name out and handed it to the object of his affections calling it a love letter. I found it funny and kind of cute.

I picked up the intercom and rang the agitated father, trying to appeal to his saner, rational side.

ME : The note is kind of sweet, and the boy is just eight.

HIM : I dont regret bringing it to the Principal’s notice. Such action should not be encouraged.

ME : They have no idea what this romance shomance is. Bacche hain ….

HIM : Madamji, you are lucky. You have two sons. My little girl has to be protected.

Hunh!? Freaking out like that won’t be of any help whatsoever. The girl has to grow up – and hopefully develop better taste than narcissistic little boys like that one. Made me wonder what I would have done. Well, I guess I would have done a smear job. I would have just taken the girl aside and explained to her in a serious voice

That SANDIP of yours ? He doesnt wash his hands after going potty and kisses the back side of the dog. He doesnt even brush his teeth! You need to get yourself better friends

and left it at that.

Phew!!! Protective Dads are crazy!

Of spell-check and fantasy

Posted on July 15, 2008 by phoenixritu

In the good old days of yester years, my parents used to spell out things so that us lesser beings would not comprehend. Otherwise they used massive words. That worked out well in the end any way since my spellings are excellent and I have a massive massive vocabulary. That is quite understandable if you had parents who would say “Shall we pause to deliberate on the reactions of juniors if we procure tickets for the latest entertainment on celluloid?” Well, that was my Dad. Thanks to him I figured out what copulation meant long before I should have. It is also thanks to him that I chose English Literature as my chosen subject for graduation and post graduation. Mom did not have such a huge vocabulary, so she would spell stuff like I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M and M-O-V-I-E.

I opted for a more creative style. The parents and in-laws used to frown heavily on drinking, so when I caught Kid #1 raising his glass of milk up and saying Cheers with a happy smile, I gently corrected him and said “Cheers nahin, Kursiyan” and of course Gin would never be gin, it would be accompanied with its cousins Bhoot and Pret. So it would be, Papa Loves Ber but Mama likes Gin, Bhoot and Pret. Don’t knock it, it actually worked for a while. If we needed some alone time, I would put them to bed with a lovely story about how the poor stars were being overshadowed by the moon, and so were tired. They needed the boys to go sleep with their grandmother while they rested. Mom and Dad would ensure that the stars got enough sleep. I know, terribly lame, but hey, it worked and we got a kid-free evening .

Of course, when Kid#2 came along, the stories got more fantastic and full of extra terrestrials and universal wars. They grew older and so did the tales. Now Kid#1 is training to be a pilot, though in his imagination, he’s flying a spaceship …… Kid#2 has just got into engineering and wants to be a researcher …. Bio-bombs anyone??

It is also the reason why both the boys love anime and have taught themselves enough Japanese to follow all the fantastic plots that their latest purple/pink haired TV playmates live in. AXN ki Jai Ho

The Indian Joint Family : an anachronism

Posted on July 12, 2008 by phoenixritu

This is a politically incorrect post.

I read a post on this while blog hopping at this The Life and Times of an Indian Home Maker: Joint Family and Indian Daughters and it brought back memories that were best left buried. I think the Indian Joint Family system is exploitive to say the least. I hated living in it for eighteen long years and simply can not understand why my Kid#1 and DIL insist on living with me. It is insane to say the least.

I was less than eighteen years old when I got married and trapped into the system. The hierarchy is rigid. MIL is Empress, FIL is like the President – he just has signing and veto authority. SON is Prince Charming, younger SILS AND BILS are favoured courtiers and DIL ranks way below them all, at times even below the live in servant. In fact once when MIL was ranting away at some dal I had cooked which was watery at the dining table, I turned to the servant and said “You at least get paid to listen to this shit, what do I get?” Needless to say, the entire family freaked out on me, but well … I do suffer from foot-in-mouthitis. Then I wasn’t allowed to go meet my parents – who lived in the next lane. I taught in a school which meant that I had to cook breakfast, pack lunch boxes, cook lunch, and get dressed and leave before 7:30 am. My salary which was a mere few hundreds was subject to much scrutiny and the senior ILs had already decided what it would be spent on.

I agree that times have changed, and I would never make the colossal blunder of stopping my DIL from visiting her parents or shopping. Honestly I don’t even know what her salary is. If she feels like cooking or doing housework, it is fine, if not so be it. I think housework is tedious and thankless. After a whole day at office, one approaches it with great distaste. That is why we hire help to do this. But I wonder, should they live with me? I do not like the idea at all. I have spent most of my life living with parents or in-laws and adjusting with them. I would like to live alone for once in my life, on my own terms.

The boys are okay, but they need to grow up and be independent of me too. I have never been the clingy sort of female and am horrified with the thought that they still want to live in the maternal abode. This means that shopping for daily stuff like vegetables, milk etc. is my responsibilities. I pay for the utilities, the servants are my headache. It is my time to retire, take stock, and also save up for old age. I wish there was a way to make them realize, without hurting their feelings, that I love them very much but that I need them out of my home.

The tyranny of being a Mother In Law

Posted on July 7, 2008 by phoenixritu

Sunny Days: Survival Guide for Daughters-in-Law

While blog hopping I came across this heartfelt post of a very young daughter in law which really resonated within me. I married the only child of a super possessive mother and that was one major hurdle to our happily ever after …. but this is not what this post is about. Ex is happy elsewhere – thank goodness and I am happy being mother and single. I never got suckered into becoming wife again. In my youth I would have probably not been so adjusting and have written something like this lady has

Mamma of Twins: The Missing Counsel

Now I am looking at relationships from a different perspective – I am a mother in law. DIL is a delight, fun to be with. I like what women have become these days – confident, witty and with the ability to be straightforward. She is new to the idea of being DIL and as a mother in law, I think I suck big time!!! Even the internet does not have answers for How to be a Mother-in-law. Go ahead – google for it and you will know. You even have anonymous groups called “I Hate my Mother in Law” for godsakes!!!!

So here is a survival guide for mother in laws – totally based on my experience

Every girl is cautioned that Mother in Law is not a mother, the same applies both ways you know, daughter in laws are not daughters.
Do not ever try to guide your daughter in law in the same manner as you guide your children, she will interpret it as criticism of her taste/her intellectual ability/her capability and you are left thinking WTF, I never meant that!!!!
Remember always that she left her home and family to come live in your home. Its tough and lonely. It will take time for her to adapt to your ways. Remember your days, when you did not even have the option of speaking your mind out.
Do not expect your son to take sides with either you or with her. Remember how useless your hubby was when you complained about his mother???? Men avoid “Women’s fights” like the plague and deal with it by surfing the net or having a beer with male friends watching sports, hoping that the issue disappears.
Keep your individuality and allow her to retain hers. You are way to old to change anyway. She is what she is, and your son loves her the way she is. So if you try to bully/dominate her, it will make both your son and her hate you. Your son might forgive you later, she never will.
If your son and daughter in law are fighting, do not take sides. They will make up and your role will make you the villian. Why, they will perhaps blame you as the instigator of the fight.
When you are mad with her – for any reason, apply the DAUGHTER TEST. Just take time out to think how you would react if your daughter were doing the same thing. Chances are that you would take a more lenient view to the issue in question.
Do not expect her to dress a certain way or to eat certain stuff just because it is traditional. Traditions are values which is pretty solid stuff – not the outer covering. Your son has been raised by you and has imbibed your values. The girl of his choice will have similar values.
As and when they decide to live away from you, let them go with a smile. I would also add, ask them to make out a list of the stuff they need – you know basics to start their own home. There is plenty lying in your own home that you dont need – like dishes, cookers, chesters. You can ask them to take these things with them. They will do for them as starters and they will be grateful too. And you have less stuff to maintain.
You have handed over your son to his wife. She is his first priority – not you. So chill okay. If he spends more time with her, dont sulk. If they do want to go out with you or spend time with you, they would come and be with you. Its their zamana, not yours. Plus at this age, you would not survive their pace, their food, their loud music. Notice I said “their” They are a team now, you are the bystander. Accept it.
Lastly and most importantly ….. Be nice to the girl your son brings home – remember that she is the one who will be around when you are old and frail. Also she is the mother of the grandchildren you hope to pamper.

The irony of being a Mother In Law