I surprised myself! This was the first Diwali of my life that I did not eat sweets. Seems like the brat is growing up F.I.N.A.L.L.Y!

I never was figure conscious – let me correct that. Sure I was figure conscious but I am a lazy bum. It seemed to me that there was a hell of a lot of work involved in being slim, and it really wasn’t worth the effort. And I happily coasted through youth looking nice thanks to good genetics, a smile and my million dollars worth of an attitude.

Whadduknow, it worked.

Now I am on low carb, no sweets diet. It surprises me. There is no pain, no sense of deprivation! Have I finally grown up? Or being diagnosed diabetic has scared the shit out of me?

Would have been slim and svelte had this level of maturity hit me when I was young!

Imagine how saintly I am feeling – I DID NOT EAT SWEETS, NOT EVEN A MORSEL OF CHOCOLATE PASSED MY LIPS THIS DIWALI

Can you see the halo around my head people?

I have become a saint!

And how was your Diwali?

Sorry guys, not been blogging for some time, was not in a happy place – am still trying to say AAL IS WELL! but my brain is way to smart.  It just replies in a cheeky and irreverent way Ghanta all is well!

Sigh!  Kya karen, brain hai ki maanta nahin.

Thing is that I have been diagnosed as diabetic.  I know, its no big deal, just requires management of food.   I have lived fifty years in a deep warm loving relationship with carbs and rich Punjabi food. …. Hey 50 years is not a bad innings so to say.  Sadly, now I have to divorce bhaturey, basmati rice and aloo paranthas if I wanna see my sixties and seventies.  So I have been feeling glum.  For a person who is a foodie, this is a big huge deal.

Stop ROFLing Kid#1  You told me to write a blog post!  And yes I am a drama queen I revel in being so!

Here’s a pome – a pome on aging that I wrote while I was bidding goodbye to all the peanut butter and lemon tarts in the world

In my Fifties

When did I end up getting old?

I never signed up for this

I haven’t done all I want to do

I haven’t learnt how to fish

My hair owes more to L’Oreal

Than the cash I owe the bank

Jog I can’t, I can barely amble

My happy has turned to crank

I forget the faces I know I’ve met

Their names just don’t come to me

After every meal, I need to rest

Otherwise I get really bitchy

In my mind’s eye I am two and oh

And my heart, it’s merely thirteen

But this stupid body has grown old

My spirit it tries vainly to demean

Two out of three ain’t that bad

Mind and heart you make me glad

And I can still sing, dance a light step

Aging ain’t bad if one is full of pep

No this is not a blog post about Abba though the song is lovely ….

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Mera sundar sapna is really simple … it invariably revolves around how to live a comfortable luxurious life without having to work for it. Remember that awesome song from Fiddler on the Roof … If I were a rich man? It was specifically written for people like me

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Dream No. 1

To be born as the younger sister of a famous Hindi film heroine. Mera logic is very simple … she has to work, diet, work out and all that shit. I can simply live with her. All the heroes and producers will give me bhav. She cant be seen in the same dress and accessories … so I get first dibs at them. Life toh would be made Sigh!!! When she feels I am getting too tiresome, she can get me married off to a rich man, I wont mind.

Dream No. 2

Be born to a very wealthy father. I am easy on this. Abhi bhi wakt hai. Any wealthy person can adopt me. I will do complete sewa and be his biggest chamchi……. so long as I dont have to work.

Dream No. 3

Win a million dollar lottery … but before I do this, I need to get myself a solidly reliable financial adviser. Me being the person I am, I would blow the million dollars in just a few months and be back to square one.

Sigh … let me get back to my reports. Humming “If I were a rich lass, hmmm yaba daba daba de da dum … all day I would …”

Roop tagged me some time back and gave me a bribe/award to sweeten the deal. Now I am a sucker for scratch cards and buy one – get one free deals, so I have taken her tag – it came with the honest blogger award, and kya kahen, I am easy to please …..

I am supposed to tell the blogosphere 10 things about myself. Considering that I have told the blogosphere a lot about myself … this is a challenge. Aisa kya hai that I can write that folks dont know about me????

1. Merey Colgate mein namak nahin hai. Seriously dudes, that ad sucks! Imagine waking up in the morning and stretching out, walking in for the brush and bladder routine to have someone burst into your bathroom with the question “Kya aapkey Colgate mein namak hai!” I would require serious therapy and the person bursting in would require first aid (would attack out of sheer panic)! S e r i o u s l y!!!!

2. My mental image of myself is the shy, bookish, retiring types. My sons and daughter in law think I need a reality check …. sigh!

3. Was a model for a very short time in my life. Those were the days when I was slim (sigh!) and young (deeper sigh!!!) and looked really pretty. Oh, and the money I earned seriously belonged to me and not to the EMIs, kids and other sundry expenses (Deepest deepest sigh!!).

4. I am animal friendly … but dont know why. Dogs, cats and other sundry members of the animal kingdom latch on to me, and I dont understand why. It freaks me out! May be because I like to cook and all kinds of food smells linger on me??? Wonder ……

5. I own cars but dont have a clue what happens under the bonnet. But if there is a malfunction, I get out, pop the bonnet open and look at the wierd stuff there very intelligently. I even touch the wires and pipes as though I know what is what! Thankfully some macho do-gooder comes and says “Maydamji, maddad chahiye?” and rescues me from my act.

6. I need to get up in the night … actually sleep barely 3 hours at a stretch. Then I get up and go out to check if I am still in this planet. Once as a little girl, I walked out, left the door open and slept in the grass outside (We were in Shillong then) and froze. Anti-children-doing-such-things-padlocks were installed by the parents. Now I go up to the roof and check if the world is still around me. The dogs accompany me. Can imagine them thinking “Dog Alert! Woof batty woman on the prowl, Woof!! we need to guard her!”

7. The only living soul who understands me is our water turtle Annubis, but he is only three days old so it does not count.

8. Give me a good book and I forget to eat, sleep, breathe until it is over. Cant leave a book half finished and go to sleep.

9. I am teaching myself how to make nachos from scratch …. and am proud of the good results I have had.

10. As a kid, I would bring home strays ..kittens, birds etc. I once brought home an orange cat …. only it was a lion cub! My parents forced me to give it away to the zoo. Sigh!

Am surprised that I actually wrote 10 things about me that you did not know. Am surprised that you actually read them

Feel free to take the tag up if so inclined. In my experience they are good stuff to take on when inspiration is low

The Chinese tag from Ramit, aka the bald guy

You should read his blog; he is funny! In fact he does crazy things like tag me by email and not on his blog! Just pulling your leg Ramit!

8 TV Shows I like to watch

1. 9XM
2. Channel V

(Both at 8 am – dhinchak music and celebrities dancing to the music eases the pain of exercising – they’re also doing it right?? Misery loves company)

3. MAX
4. AXN
5. STAR MOVIES
6. PIX
7. HBO
and how can I forget
8. India TV News : its a hoot. I watch it to destress …

Sensation se bharpoor India TV

My only grouse is that these days they arent doing too much of the red circles and arrow thingys. Probably run out of red markers. Doesnt give the same frantic scary feel without it. They do blue rectangles now … sigh!!! Simply not the same effect!

8 Places to eat and dine (arent both the same?)

1. My kitchen
2. My good friend J-’s kitchen (the most awesome home made south indian food) – which we then wolf down sitting on her bed with lots of alcohol
3. Kwality’s in Delhi
4. Om Ka Hotel at Jangpura for the brain curry
5. Woodlands (yeah I love south indian food)
6. Karims
7. Eating joints in the walled city
8. Thupka at the Tibetian Monastery

8 things I look forward to

1. My sons getting jobs and being successful (I will be an insufferably proud Mama)
2. Cooking
3. Going to sleep at night without waking up even once (yeah I cant sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch)
4. Boarding a space ship for interstellar travel
5. My sons sitting with me watching TV without grabbing the remote or changing the chanel, hasnt happened even once!

6. Coming home to a perfectly cooked dinner made by Kid#1. He is an awesome cook
7. My boss going out of town for more than two days
8. Dark chocolate

8 things that happened yesterday

1. Woke up at 10 a.m.
2. Went to play Holi in the colony park
3. Was so hot that overindulged in chilled beer
4. Slept (again) for two hours after a bath. Sheer bliss
5. Played Mafia Wars on Facebook
6. Won a game of Scrabble
7. Read a whole lot of blogs
8. Learnt how to take photos with my Iphone and put them on my laptop

8 things I love about winter

1. Lovely roses
2. Chrysanthemums in full bloom
3. Snuggling into a warm bed in a quilt
4. Gobhi and makki paranthas
5. Bonfires
6. Soup and more soup
7. Long walks
8. Our dogs dont get ticks (saves a whole lot of effort as we dont have to de-tick them)

8 things on my wish list —– This one is difficult! I normally just do what I wish. Umm let me think!

1. A light sabre – just like a jedi’s
2. A futuristic transporter – I wanna be able to say at least once “Beam me up Scotty!”
3. Want to travel to another planet
4. Get out of the debt trap
5. A steamy hot passionate affair with a Klingon
6. Chocolate that makes you lose weight
7. Mithai as diet food
8. A Mr. Right who is not a Mr. Boring. No aspersions on anyone – but good guys dont attract me. I have really bad taste.

8 things I am passionate about

1. I, me, myself
2. Blogging
3. Writing
4. Cooking
5. My laptop and the net connection (any malfunction and I go ballistic)
6. Reading
7. My sons and daughter in law
8. Good food and alcohol

8 Words / Phrases I often use

1. Hai Rabba
2. Awesome
3. Oh my God
4. Hain Jee
5. Yeah
6. Kya Baat Hai
7. Jai Mata Di
8. Vadhiya

8 things I have learnt from my past

1. Live life Queen Sized
2. Have faith in yourself
3. Have faith in God
4. Stay away from bankers
5. Stay away from lawyers
6. Kuch toh log kahenge, so fuck it. Its a human failing so dont beat yourself over it.
7. Be financially solvent – always
8. Take care of your health, folk can share in your emotional grief, but health is more important cause you gotta bear the physical pain and medical bills alone

8 places I would like to visit

1. Mt. Fujiyama
2. Brazil
3. Athens
4. Kailash Parbat
5. Mt. Olympus
6. Malta
7. My hostel room ~ if it still exists
8. Another planet with intelligent life

8 things I currently need/want

1. Time and money to get the home repainted
2. A 50 inches LCD screen
3. A Wii to go with it
4. A multicrore medical policy for the family (it will make me feel secure and happy)
5. A raise
6. A pay hike/raise
7. A substantial pay hike/raise
8. Godji are you listening??? A RAISE!!!!!

8 blogging buddies I want to tag

You – yes you who are reading this! Consider yourself tagged!

I am a gizmo freak and well if the gizmo keeps me logged on to the net all the time, even when there are horrendous power cuts, it is just the thing for me.  For years (actually ever since I got to know about this darling thing) I have been longing for an Iphone.

Sigh!

And what do you know! I finally got it

Thank you Kid#1
Thank you The Secret
Thank you Universe
Thank you Shah Rukh Khan

and

Last but not least : Thank you Vin Diesel (Since I was thanking every one else … )

Flash back to a month back

Kid#1 : Hello Mom, what do you want from Philippines

Me : Nothing beta, yahan sab kuch milta hai

Kid#1 : Are you serious?  Look dont ask for booze and dont ask for a male Philipino.  Ab what do you want?

Me : Sigh, kuch bhi nahin.  Just come back qualified, hale and hearty

( I could have asked for sex toys, could have asked for ~ darn he said no to booze!  I could have asked for ~~~ You get the picture)

Kid#1 :  Who are you and what have you done to my Mom!

Me : LOL!  Yeah I was trying to be sensible and noble

Kid#1 : Aint working

Me : Dont waste too much money!  Yeah get me an MP3 player

Kid#1 : You want an Iphone

Me : Nobility gayi tel lene!  How much does it cost?

Kid#1 : LOL! Lemme check!

He got a slightly used one at half the price of a new Iphone.  We got it customized for India, and that took about a week!

Oh wow!  I am over the moon!  I can take pics and post em on my blog.  I can pester the kids to pose for me forever, photograph the dogs and even our fishes!  I have an Iphone.

I have put twitter and facebook on the phone.  Folks I am taking my net addiction to a new level.

Like Shah Rukh Khan said in his speech in Om Shanti Om

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Ever noticed that one has cycles and mood swings always?  I mean yesterday was cloudy and it rained.  That was fun.  For us in this side of the globe, rain is

a) Never enough

b) Never unwelcome

c) Never bad weather

I can not identify with stuff I read about rain being dull and dreary.  WTF

We love rains, because rain for us means life!  Chai Pakora time!  I was thrilled.

The boys had gone out grocery shopping.  No you cant call child abuse or human rights.  Them stuff dont live in India.  Besides I think its good training for them.  My sons are house broke, they cook, wash clothes and grocery shop!  I am too cowardly to get them to wash the dishes.  I am scared that they would end up breaking them on my head!  Never mind, they can do this much and will make their wives happy, its enough. But I digress.

Yesterday I was happy and since the boys werent around, I made myself killer pakoras and had tea pakora for dinner!  I know I really push it!

Today is hot.  The sun is out and its hot and sticky.  I’ve got the blues.  I want out.  I am tired of parenting.  I am tired of wondering what to cook, how to balance the money with the needs, all I want is to take off.

I’ve done it earlier.  Just pushed off for a couple of days to recharge batteries.

My modus operandi is simple.

Check out the money in the bank.  See where I can go and park myself.  Only rule being that I dont know any one in that town.  Take off.

Come back chilled, destressed and ready to put nose on grindstone.  All I need is a room, TV, and of course enough vodka to pass out.  Simple wants arent they?

Wonder how other people unplug from the daily grind ………

I am in a funk!

Once not so long ago, in an attempt to make sense out of my life …. remember I don’t plan and just meander through life?, well in an attempt to make sense out of my life I started learning astrology.

Astrology is just as cheerfully vague as me, so I felt right at home with the “can probably”, “maybe” and “if” atmosphere of the subject.

I even got a Jyotish Visharad in the subject.  No one can say I am academically inept.  My early education ensured that I can memorise or “ghota lagao” anything!

Now comes the problem.

My kids regularly ask me to read their charts for them

Sigh!

I hate it.  Dammit they want results!  They want facts!  They want proof!

All I have is “can probably”, “maybe” and “if”

Calling all you people out there ….

Do you know of a good astrologer?

I need answers …….

Help please

One  Uno Ek

Me … The lady of the house, currently the cook, maid, dog-sitter, freelance writer, blogger, office worker

Two, Dos, Do

Sons, one vacationing in land far away, another giving is first year mech engg exam, and spending most of his spare time trying to hide work from me, and trying to build the wierdest combo sandwiches to help me

Three, Tres, Teen

Our dogs, who keep bringing muddy paws into the house and generally adding to the work.  They actively discourage any maid from considering our home a “safe” career option

Four, Cuarto, Chaar

The days I have spent without maid and live in help

Five, Cinko, Paanch

The number of bosses I currently have.  One is Mogambo, and there are four agents I regularly write for.  All of them are currently baying for my blood!!!

Six, Seis, Chay

Deadlines that I have right now, out of which some I have requested extension on

Seven, Sieta, Saat

Days till Kid#1 comes home and takes the dogs off my hands

Eight, Ocho, Aath

The shape of my body when this crisis happened.  Now it is …….

what do you think?

Still Eight.  Get real, there are no miracles on earth!  Bones ache, fatigue is a fact, but fat cells are stubborn beings.

Nine, Nueve, Nine

The figure of some of the cine stars which makes me go sour enough to curdle milk.  Yeah I know, them babies are implants, and that butt is liposucted, but even so!

Ten, Diez, Dus

They could be Bahane or Kahaniyan as per the movies.  But actually they are thousand.  Yup, a live in help I interviewed today demanded 10K as salary!  Said he could do Chinese and continental food.  I had to refuse, so I asked him to make sushi, he could not do that, thank God, so rejected him on those grounds!

10K?!  

Darn!

This is in response to Itchy’s tag, the number game!

Monday dawned bright … and in my view, insanely early

I stumbled into the kitchen, quickly chopped and threw some veggies, rice, masalas etc into a pan for a casserole and set some ready to eat chicken tikkas to thaw for Kid #2

Was gearing up for dusting and leaving for office when maid’s husband came with the news that she broke her leg

For one insane moment I nearly waylaid him to do my jharu poncha!  Nah!  Even I am not that insane, but I admit, I was soooo tempted.

I looked at the dogs and nearly wrung Kid#1′s neck (in absentia) for adopting T H R E E of them.  Big effin deal one or three, its all the same.  We are stuck!  Fed the fishes, washed the terrace, and the outer verandah’s while it was still cool. 

Then I fixed some sandwiches for Kid#2 to take to college

11 a.m.

Boss aka Mogambo rings up

Mogambo : You are on leave?!

Me : (looking at the poncha and my wet dirty pajamas, and wondering why folks have to state the obvious) Haanji

Mogambo: Why?

Me: Ji, I have no help at home.  So I am cashing my earned leave

Mogambo:  This is not done

Me: (considering that I have SIX whole months of E.L. un-encashed) I know boss, but I cant help it.

Mogambo: (Jadhoing bossgiri) Madam, when you join duty we must have a meeting about this!

Me (mentally taking deep breaths and reminding self that there is an economic slump, so I should not shove the cellphone even in imagination into certain regions) Jee Sir

He slammed the phone down and I attacked the floor with renewed ferocity

Here I admit I got carried away.  I was totally angrily enthusiastic and cleaned the whole darn place.  Kid#2 came back from college and faced a sweaty scruffy Mom scrubbing away to glory, and a squeaky clean home.

Mom you are insane

Me : Yeah?  Tell me something new

Kid#2 : What did you tell office

Me: That I cant come because the dogs have no one at home

Kid#2 OMG!! You did not!!!

Me: Yup

He shook his head and walked into his room looking at the watch and muttering, “She had a surgery and is still weak. I wish Bhai was here”

I walked into the bath muttering “Bhai is in Bahrain and we have a house and fishes and dogs.  The house can go stew, but dammit, the dogs need care”

I came out and he thrust a vodka (large, extremely large, neat on the rocks) into my hands and I gulped it down

He thrust a plateful of casserole into my hands, I ate and crashed.  Swear I did and I surfaced at 8 p.m. with Kid#2 checking if I was still breathing.  Yup he was poking a finger up my nose!

I got up, did dishes, cooked dinner, did (groan) dishes, cleaned kitchen and slept.

THIS WOULD NOT DO!!!!

I had to do JUGAAD

So Tuesday found me up at 6 am on the stairs desperately looking at any ‘kaamwali” looking female.  Yesss I was on the prowl.  This tigress had had enough in one damn day.  I accosted every likely candidate and finally got one woman to clean up for me.  She even (here I thank heavens!) DUSTED!!!!  It was an effin relief.  But I missed my office and its a/c and the fact that I would not have to move my tired butt.

I remembered one likely candidate …………

Someone who worked as a peon in some forgotten corner of the office

I pulled strings and got him to agree to baby sit the dogs for me.

Here I unashamedly admit I called in the favors I had done for him when he nearly lost his baby to kaala khansi.  In brief, I paid, and his baby lived.  Poor chap, even though he is scared of dogs, he agreed.

And Wednesday I went to work!!!!

Ahhhh blisss!

But Wednesday is another story …..

Tune in for the update

Same place …. Same saga …… Another day

I still havent got a live in

Ufff