Buy one and get one free

Roop tagged me some time back and gave me a bribe/award to sweeten the deal. Now I am a sucker for scratch cards and buy one – get one free deals, so I have taken her tag – it came with the honest blogger award, and kya kahen, I am easy to please …..

I am supposed to tell the blogosphere 10 things about myself. Considering that I have told the blogosphere a lot about myself … this is a challenge. Aisa kya hai that I can write that folks dont know about me????

1. Merey Colgate mein namak nahin hai. Seriously dudes, that ad sucks! Imagine waking up in the morning and stretching out, walking in for the brush and bladder routine to have someone burst into your bathroom with the question “Kya aapkey Colgate mein namak hai!” I would require serious therapy and the person bursting in would require first aid (would attack out of sheer panic)! S e r i o u s l y!!!!

2. My mental image of myself is the shy, bookish, retiring types. My sons and daughter in law think I need a reality check …. sigh!

3. Was a model for a very short time in my life. Those were the days when I was slim (sigh!) and young (deeper sigh!!!) and looked really pretty. Oh, and the money I earned seriously belonged to me and not to the EMIs, kids and other sundry expenses (Deepest deepest sigh!!).

4. I am animal friendly … but dont know why. Dogs, cats and other sundry members of the animal kingdom latch on to me, and I dont understand why. It freaks me out! May be because I like to cook and all kinds of food smells linger on me??? Wonder ……

5. I own cars but dont have a clue what happens under the bonnet. But if there is a malfunction, I get out, pop the bonnet open and look at the wierd stuff there very intelligently. I even touch the wires and pipes as though I know what is what! Thankfully some macho do-gooder comes and says “Maydamji, maddad chahiye?” and rescues me from my act.

6. I need to get up in the night … actually sleep barely 3 hours at a stretch. Then I get up and go out to check if I am still in this planet. Once as a little girl, I walked out, left the door open and slept in the grass outside (We were in Shillong then) and froze. Anti-children-doing-such-things-padlocks were installed by the parents. Now I go up to the roof and check if the world is still around me. The dogs accompany me. Can imagine them thinking “Dog Alert! Woof batty woman on the prowl, Woof!! we need to guard her!”

7. The only living soul who understands me is our water turtle Annubis, but he is only three days old so it does not count.

8. Give me a good book and I forget to eat, sleep, breathe until it is over. Cant leave a book half finished and go to sleep.

9. I am teaching myself how to make nachos from scratch …. and am proud of the good results I have had.

10. As a kid, I would bring home strays ..kittens, birds etc. I once brought home an orange cat …. only it was a lion cub! My parents forced me to give it away to the zoo. Sigh!

Am surprised that I actually wrote 10 things about me that you did not know. Am surprised that you actually read them

Feel free to take the tag up if so inclined. In my experience they are good stuff to take on when inspiration is low

Mera Naam Hai Chin Chin Chu

The Chinese tag from Ramit, aka the bald guy

You should read his blog; he is funny! In fact he does crazy things like tag me by email and not on his blog! Just pulling your leg Ramit!

8 TV Shows I like to watch

1. 9XM
2. Channel V

(Both at 8 am – dhinchak music and celebrities dancing to the music eases the pain of exercising – they’re also doing it right?? Misery loves company)

3. MAX
4. AXN
5. STAR MOVIES
6. PIX
7. HBO
and how can I forget
8. India TV News : its a hoot. I watch it to destress …

My only grouse is that these days they arent doing too much of the red circles and arrow thingys. Probably run out of red markers. Doesnt give the same frantic scary feel without it. They do blue rectangles now … sigh!!! Simply not the same effect!

8 Places to eat and dine (arent both the same?)

1. My kitchen
2. My good friend J-’s kitchen (the most awesome home made south indian food) – which we then wolf down sitting on her bed with lots of alcohol
3. Kwality’s in Delhi
4. Om Ka Hotel at Jangpura for the brain curry
5. Woodlands (yeah I love south indian food)
6. Karims
7. Eating joints in the walled city
8. Thupka at the Tibetian Monastery

8 things I look forward to

1. My sons getting jobs and being successful (I will be an insufferably proud Mama)
2. Cooking
3. Going to sleep at night without waking up even once (yeah I cant sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch)
4. Boarding a space ship for interstellar travel
5. My sons sitting with me watching TV without grabbing the remote or changing the chanel, hasnt happened even once!

6. Coming home to a perfectly cooked dinner made by Kid#1. He is an awesome cook
7. My boss going out of town for more than two days
8. Dark chocolate

8 things that happened yesterday

1. Woke up at 10 a.m.
2. Went to play Holi in the colony park
3. Was so hot that overindulged in chilled beer
4. Slept (again) for two hours after a bath. Sheer bliss
5. Played Mafia Wars on Facebook
6. Won a game of Scrabble
7. Read a whole lot of blogs
8. Learnt how to take photos with my Iphone and put them on my laptop

8 things I love about winter

1. Lovely roses
2. Chrysanthemums in full bloom
3. Snuggling into a warm bed in a quilt
4. Gobhi and makki paranthas
5. Bonfires
6. Soup and more soup
7. Long walks
8. Our dogs dont get ticks (saves a whole lot of effort as we dont have to de-tick them)

8 things on my wish list —– This one is difficult! I normally just do what I wish. Umm let me think!

1. A light sabre – just like a jedi’s
2. A futuristic transporter – I wanna be able to say at least once “Beam me up Scotty!”
3. Want to travel to another planet
4. Get out of the debt trap
5. A steamy hot passionate affair with a Klingon
6. Chocolate that makes you lose weight
7. Mithai as diet food
8. A Mr. Right who is not a Mr. Boring. No aspersions on anyone – but good guys dont attract me. I have really bad taste.

8 things I am passionate about

1. I, me, myself
2. Blogging
3. Writing
4. Cooking
5. My laptop and the net connection (any malfunction and I go ballistic)
6. Reading
7. My sons and daughter in law
8. Good food and alcohol

8 Words / Phrases I often use

1. Hai Rabba
2. Awesome
3. Oh my God
4. Hain Jee
5. Yeah
6. Kya Baat Hai
7. Jai Mata Di
8. Vadhiya

8 things I have learnt from my past

1. Live life Queen Sized
2. Have faith in yourself
3. Have faith in God
4. Stay away from bankers
5. Stay away from lawyers
6. Kuch toh log kahenge, so fuck it. Its a human failing so dont beat yourself over it.
7. Be financially solvent – always
8. Take care of your health, folk can share in your emotional grief, but health is more important cause you gotta bear the physical pain and medical bills alone

8 places I would like to visit

1. Mt. Fujiyama
2. Brazil
3. Athens
4. Kailash Parbat
5. Mt. Olympus
6. Malta
7. My hostel room ~ if it still exists
8. Another planet with intelligent life

8 things I currently need/want

1. Time and money to get the home repainted
2. A 50 inches LCD screen
3. A Wii to go with it
4. A multicrore medical policy for the family (it will make me feel secure and happy)
5. A raise
6. A pay hike/raise
7. A substantial pay hike/raise
8. Godji are you listening??? A RAISE!!!!!

8 blogging buddies I want to tag

You – yes you who are reading this! Consider yourself tagged!

My new toy

I am a gizmo freak and well if the gizmo keeps me logged on to the net all the time, even when there are horrendous power cuts, it is just the thing for me.  For years (actually ever since I got to know about this darling thing) I have been longing for an Iphone.

Sigh!

And what do you know! I finally got it

Thank you Kid#1
Thank you The Secret
Thank you Universe
Thank you Shah Rukh Khan

and

Last but not least : Thank you Vin Diesel (Since I was thanking every one else … )

Flash back to a month back

Kid#1 : Hello Mom, what do you want from Philippines

Me : Nothing beta, yahan sab kuch milta hai

Kid#1 : Are you serious?  Look dont ask for booze and dont ask for a male Philipino.  Ab what do you want?

Me : Sigh, kuch bhi nahin.  Just come back qualified, hale and hearty

( I could have asked for sex toys, could have asked for ~ darn he said no to booze!  I could have asked for ~~~ You get the picture)

Kid#1 :  Who are you and what have you done to my Mom!

Me : LOL!  Yeah I was trying to be sensible and noble

Kid#1 : Aint working

Me : Dont waste too much money!  Yeah get me an MP3 player

Kid#1 : You want an Iphone

Me : Nobility gayi tel lene!  How much does it cost?

Kid#1 : LOL! Lemme check!

He got a slightly used one at half the price of a new Iphone.  We got it customized for India, and that took about a week!

Oh wow!  I am over the moon!  I can take pics and post em on my blog.  I can pester the kids to pose for me forever, photograph the dogs and even our fishes!  I have an Iphone.

I have put twitter and facebook on the phone.  Folks I am taking my net addiction to a new level.

Like Shah Rukh Khan said in his speech in Om Shanti Om

All about wanderlust

Ever noticed that one has cycles and mood swings always?  I mean yesterday was cloudy and it rained.  That was fun.  For us in this side of the globe, rain is

a) Never enough

b) Never unwelcome

c) Never bad weather

I can not identify with stuff I read about rain being dull and dreary.  WTF

We love rains, because rain for us means life!  Chai Pakora time!  I was thrilled.

The boys had gone out grocery shopping.  No you cant call child abuse or human rights.  Them stuff dont live in India.  Besides I think its good training for them.  My sons are house broke, they cook, wash clothes and grocery shop!  I am too cowardly to get them to wash the dishes.  I am scared that they would end up breaking them on my head!  Never mind, they can do this much and will make their wives happy, its enough. But I digress.

Yesterday I was happy and since the boys werent around, I made myself killer pakoras and had tea pakora for dinner!  I know I really push it!

Today is hot.  The sun is out and its hot and sticky.  I’ve got the blues.  I want out.  I am tired of parenting.  I am tired of wondering what to cook, how to balance the money with the needs, all I want is to take off.

I’ve done it earlier.  Just pushed off for a couple of days to recharge batteries.

My modus operandi is simple.

Check out the money in the bank.  See where I can go and park myself.  Only rule being that I dont know any one in that town.  Take off.

Come back chilled, destressed and ready to put nose on grindstone.  All I need is a room, TV, and of course enough vodka to pass out.  Simple wants arent they?

Wonder how other people unplug from the daily grind ………

On AstroGyan

I am in a funk!

Once not so long ago, in an attempt to make sense out of my life …. remember I don’t plan and just meander through life?, well in an attempt to make sense out of my life I started learning astrology.

Astrology is just as cheerfully vague as me, so I felt right at home with the “can probably”, “maybe” and “if” atmosphere of the subject.

I even got a Jyotish Visharad in the subject.  No one can say I am academically inept.  My early education ensured that I can memorise or “ghota lagao” anything!

Now comes the problem.

My kids regularly ask me to read their charts for them

Sigh!

I hate it.  Dammit they want results!  They want facts!  They want proof!

All I have is “can probably”, “maybe” and “if”

Calling all you people out there ….

Do you know of a good astrologer?

I need answers …….

Help please

Crisis in the Phoenix House done in numbers

One  Uno Ek

Me … The lady of the house, currently the cook, maid, dog-sitter, freelance writer, blogger, office worker

 

Two, Dos, Do

Sons, one vacationing in land far away, another giving is first year mech engg exam, and spending most of his spare time trying to hide work from me, and trying to build the wierdest combo sandwiches to help me

 

Three, Tres, Teen

Our dogs, who keep bringing muddy paws into the house and generally adding to the work.  They actively discourage any maid from considering our home a “safe” career option

 

Four, Cuarto, Chaar

The days I have spent without maid and live in help

 

Five, Cinko, Paanch

The number of bosses I currently have.  One is Mogambo, and there are four agents I regularly write for.  All of them are currently baying for my blood!!!

 

Six, Seis, Chay

Deadlines that I have right now, out of which some I have requested extension on

 

Seven, Sieta, Saat

Days till Kid#1 comes home and takes the dogs off my hands

 

Eight, Ocho, Aath

The shape of my body when this crisis happened.  Now it is …….

what do you think?

Still Eight.  Get real, there are no miracles on earth!  Bones ache, fatigue is a fact, but fat cells are stubborn beings.

 

Nine, Nueve, Nine

The figure of some of the cine stars which makes me go sour enough to curdle milk.  Yeah I know, them babies are implants, and that butt is liposucted, but even so!

 

Ten, Diez, Dus

They could be Bahane or Kahaniyan as per the movies.  But actually they are thousand.  Yup, a live in help I interviewed today demanded 10K as salary!  Said he could do Chinese and continental food.  I had to refuse, so I asked him to make sushi, he could not do that, thank God, so rejected him on those grounds!

10K?!  

Darn!

 

This is in response to Itchy’s tag, the number game!

My saga as chief cook, dishwasher, cleaning lady, working woman etc

Monday dawned bright … and in my view, insanely early

I stumbled into the kitchen, quickly chopped and threw some veggies, rice, masalas etc into a pan for a casserole and set some ready to eat chicken tikkas to thaw for Kid #2

Was gearing up for dusting and leaving for office when maid’s husband came with the news that she broke her leg

For one insane moment I nearly waylaid him to do my jharu poncha!  Nah!  Even I am not that insane, but I admit, I was soooo tempted.

I looked at the dogs and nearly wrung Kid#1’s neck (in absentia) for adopting T H R E E of them.  Big effin deal one or three, its all the same.  We are stuck!  Fed the fishes, washed the terrace, and the outer verandah’s while it was still cool. 

Then I fixed some sandwiches for Kid#2 to take to college

11 a.m.

Boss aka Mogambo rings up

Mogambo : You are on leave?!

Me : (looking at the poncha and my wet dirty pajamas, and wondering why folks have to state the obvious) Haanji

Mogambo: Why?

Me: Ji, I have no help at home.  So I am cashing my earned leave

Mogambo:  This is not done

Me: (considering that I have SIX whole months of E.L. un-encashed) I know boss, but I cant help it.

Mogambo: (Jadhoing bossgiri) Madam, when you join duty we must have a meeting about this!

Me (mentally taking deep breaths and reminding self that there is an economic slump, so I should not shove the cellphone even in imagination into certain regions) Jee Sir

He slammed the phone down and I attacked the floor with renewed ferocity

Here I admit I got carried away.  I was totally angrily enthusiastic and cleaned the whole darn place.  Kid#2 came back from college and faced a sweaty scruffy Mom scrubbing away to glory, and a squeaky clean home.

Mom you are insane

Me : Yeah?  Tell me something new

Kid#2 : What did you tell office

Me: That I cant come because the dogs have no one at home

Kid#2 OMG!! You did not!!!

Me: Yup

He shook his head and walked into his room looking at the watch and muttering, “She had a surgery and is still weak. I wish Bhai was here”

I walked into the bath muttering “Bhai is in Bahrain and we have a house and fishes and dogs.  The house can go stew, but dammit, the dogs need care”

I came out and he thrust a vodka (large, extremely large, neat on the rocks) into my hands and I gulped it down

He thrust a plateful of casserole into my hands, I ate and crashed.  Swear I did and I surfaced at 8 p.m. with Kid#2 checking if I was still breathing.  Yup he was poking a finger up my nose!

I got up, did dishes, cooked dinner, did (groan) dishes, cleaned kitchen and slept.

THIS WOULD NOT DO!!!!

I had to do JUGAAD

So Tuesday found me up at 6 am on the stairs desperately looking at any ‘kaamwali” looking female.  Yesss I was on the prowl.  This tigress had had enough in one damn day.  I accosted every likely candidate and finally got one woman to clean up for me.  She even (here I thank heavens!) DUSTED!!!!  It was an effin relief.  But I missed my office and its a/c and the fact that I would not have to move my tired butt.

I remembered one likely candidate …………

Someone who worked as a peon in some forgotten corner of the office

I pulled strings and got him to agree to baby sit the dogs for me.

Here I unashamedly admit I called in the favors I had done for him when he nearly lost his baby to kaala khansi.  In brief, I paid, and his baby lived.  Poor chap, even though he is scared of dogs, he agreed.

And Wednesday I went to work!!!!

Ahhhh blisss!

But Wednesday is another story …..

Tune in for the update

Same place …. Same saga …… Another day

I still havent got a live in

Ufff

Dressing in finery

Role reversal is wierd … in a nice heart warming way

DIL has decided that I badly need to dress up like a grown up and be lady like

She has also offered to take me shopping, not for herself, but FOR ME

Shocking!  She is willing to forgo her shopping for me!!!  I am amazed that she would sacrifice so much time for me – and even make the effort.

I am also thankful

Well!  I am quite bad at shopping for clothes

I was the bane of my mother’s existence.  She was the most elegantly turned out lady, wonder how she gave birth to the tomboy I was.

And now I have the most put together Fashionista in the form of my DIL.  DIL is girly girly

Before any shaadi in the house, she rounds me up with a “What are you wearing?” question.  Mind you this is a month before the event.  She of course has already decided her clothes, jewellery, accessories and even the clothes her hubby Kid#1 will wear.

Then she gets on Kid#2 and my case ……..

On my birthday she decided I would wear a saree.

I wore one

Since I tied it myself, it worked loose after 3 drinks and I ditched it for a housecoat.

She rolled her eyes, spoke gently “Mom aise kab tak chalega?”

Heck it worked for me for 50 years.

Now I have to get my act together and stop being such a brat

My Momma would have loved her

My Birthday Week

This has been the most eventful birthday I ever had!  Dammit I had to wait until I hit FIFTY to have so much fun.  Like it is said “The game ain’t done until you are dead and gone!”  I will have really make special efforts to top this one.  May be.  Knowing me, may be it will happen by itself.

Fun is one of those auto-combustion things.  You just stir stuff together or put them in close vicinity to each other …. BOOM! It happens.  Good food+alcohol+siblings=weekend of pure unadulterated happiness.

I have a cousin who lives in England – arrey vohi, apna vilayat!  He’s 26th Feb born.  We were together in February after the time when I was 15 and he was 17.  Since he was going back on 23rd, I called him and a few cousins over for a weekend together.  We simply had a blast!  Will post pictures separately, but it really was a pity that we had only Saturday and Sunday together.  You know Kid#1 and his wife had a party on their wedding anniversary, and they treated me like senior citizen!  It was like,” okay Mom eat your dinner by eleven and go to sleep.  Its late” Dammit people, I am not a doddering senile!  I can hold my booze, am toilet trained and mentally solvent.  I really will not embarass you!  Ah the arrogance of youth!  It was good to show ‘em that us old people also know how to party!  So what if I am minus a few parts, my budday sibling is bald now, the elder ones snore in between drinks, gags and conversation.  When it comes to it, we know how to enjoy.

Monday had me sleepwalking through work!  Just as I was recovering, it was Wednesday.

Woke up on budday morning with a call from an old pal. “Abbey, why weren’t you born yesterday?”

Me : Kyun?

He : Then you would have been the Ambani Matriarch

Me : Looking at the time : 7 a.m.  Who the fuck says matriarch at 7 a.m I ask ya????? Kaise?

and snuggling into my quilt

He : Abbey she has two sons so do you, and she was born on 24th Feb

Me : Thanks for the budday wishes …….

He : Oh I forgot!  Happy Birthday

Me : Growl! Go away!  I’ll ring you back when I am fully awake!

He : Snigger Snigger

Why are all my friends insane?  Or is it something to do with me ?

At office, a lot of people wished me.  I even got flowers.  Its nice to be pampered heh!  But of course there are bitchy people.  Sometimes men are more bitchy than women

A creep came to wish me

Creep : Happy Birthday Madam, kitney saalon ke ho gayi ho?  Smirk Smirk

Me : Seventy …. and  to ensure that he heard it right I added Sattar!  Pher puchenga teh Assi!!!

For Gods sake!

I am old enough to eat, smoke, drive and drink!  What do you know, I can vote too!

Happy 50th to me  

The random tag game

I have been tagged by Tikuli and Sue to do this at Facebook, and lazy bum that I am I figure it would make a good blog post and will show up on FB any way.  Here goes ………..

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I hate dieting.  I am a foodie and I swear pizzas and chocolate haunt me in my waking and sleeping moments taunting me and teasing me when I diet

2. I love watching music chanels on TV, and those music shows – both American and Indian idol, Sa Re Ga Ma

3. I love Abhay Deol’s movies.  He is the only kaam ka Deol

4. I like to write … always.

5. I love flowers, you can bribe me with them

6. You can bribe me with good food and alcohol too

7. I hate seeing kids being bullied – I get so mad that I could do something violent against the perps.

8. I cant see animals being mistreated either

9. I am deeply suspicious of medicines.  I prefer to self medicate on herbs and stuff.

10. I am totally happy in my own company.  I love me

11. I like wearing simple comfy clothes, decking up is painful

12. I am always short of sleep – can’t get enough

13. I sleep diagonally on my bed – dont ask me why, I just do

14. I am so happy I am nearly 50, I go around blaming every lapse on my old age

15. I use age as an excuse to forget anything I dont want to do

16. I dont wear make up – not even lipstick.  Not even when I was young.  I really have to be bullied into wearing some.

17. I stock up tissues.  I need a box in every corner of my room …. home

18. I drive like a woman, slow, erratic and talking on my cellphone

19. I am looking for subjects to write on, every minute of my life

20. I love bold colours, all the chatak ones, the bolder the better

21. I want to stop coloring my hair, but my sons refuse to let me

22. I have no notion of money management or sensible future planning

23. Life to me is an adventure – cant live carefully

24. I dont know how to tie a saree

25. If any one takes away my laptop and internet and I will commit murder

Phew!!!
I tag everyone to do this, its fun

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