Tag Archives: marriage

Overheard in the mall elevator

Husband : So you finally found those shoes you wanted!

Wife : No, but these are better, I got them on sale

Husband : Oh Good!  How long do you think they will last you?

Wife : The salesman said they will give at least 500 miles jogging

Husband : How can they say that?  They would have to take in the condition of the road you jog on, your weight, the weather and a bunch of other things!

Wife (cold freezing tone as opposed to happy excited voice of moments earlier) : I have no idea

Husband : Totally oblivious to the chill in tone : So do you think you will get 500 miles out of those?

Complete cold silence …

Indians and Matrimony

Our society runs on two major forces. Warrior Kings, Dynastic Emperors et all gave way to Presidents and Prime Ministers but the ground realities did not change. The two major forces that run this great land of ours is religion and matrimony.

Heaven help people who do not actively participate (even naam ke vaaste) in these two. An atheist can not survive in this scenario and neither can an unmarried person. Of course there are a few intrepid souls who do, but I shudder to think how much it costs them to maintain such beliefs.

Shail of Shail’s Nest is not the only one who is facing such a problem. My DIL’s parents were facing such pressures, which is why they wanted to wed her as soon as she and Kid#1 said Aye. My friend Jayshree has two sons, both unmarried and a huge batallion of relatives who are showing her prospective brides … and … oh the list is endless.

Truly – matchmaking is a favorite occupation in this country. And be warned, that is not the only favorite occupation. Once the bride and groom are hitched, the kindly souls take it a step further – right into their bedrooms. They want to know why the kids havent procreated. One colleague of mine has a relative who actually sidled up to him and informed him the sexual position in which the sperm hits bullseye. “i’ve tried it. It works” the good man assured him.

Oooh I wish I had been there to hear this exposition.

Well, I have a big big grouse against Kid#1. I had spent years deliberating and thinking about a priceless line I would use to fend off such well meaning queries. He got married before I could use the line. I hope Kid#2 is not stung by Cupid’s arrow just yet. I have to use this line on some prissy dried up prune, once at least.

It would go somewhat like this :

Prune : When is your boy getting married? Anything fixed yet? Why is he not married yet? Something wrong with him? There is a nice girl we know who is good wife-material…

Me : He is too young for marriage.

Prune : Nonsense, he is over twenty and his education is over. You should not wait now. He may bring in someone unsuitable.

Me : If he gets home a woman, it would be fine. I may have issues about a gay match though.

(Yeah, I am gay phobic when it comes to my sons)

Prune : I know of a perfect match for him.

Me : My older one got married before me. Now I have to get married. I am older than Kid#2. Can you please look for a suitable match for me?

I think that would buy me and Kid#2 some time.

I hope the Prune does not come back with a list of “suitable widowers, divorcees” et all for me, though.

My wedding drama

I am picking up Monika’s tag with a lot of mixed feelings. Its not because I feel embarassed or ashamed about my wedding, but its more like “Do I want to revisit the scene of the crime in which I got caught?”. I mean if you have made an ass of yourself, and got caught at it, you’d rather not go back and view the entire episode once more would you? But then – the quotation “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread” was coined by wise people when they met and analyzed someone like me I guess.

Ex is part Bengali and part Punjabi (Khatri+Arya Samaaji). The appelation Khatri+Arya Samaaaji has been keyed in because it has a significant role to play in the entire story.

I come from a stock of part Punjabi Jain and part Punjabi (Khatri+Arya Samaaji).

When Mom was opposed to the wedding, she yelled at me : He’s Bengali and you’re Punjabi, what will your kids be?

“Mongrels!” I yelled right back

I never thought of not having kids, idiot that I am! I would have been a very wealthy bitch if I did not have such bad tastes, but possibly snotty, unhappy and bitter. Ah well!

My parents decided to get me married to a suitable boy.

I decided otherwise. So wedding no. 1 happened.

Ex and I eloped in the inauspicious month of shraddh, a pandit was abducted and forced to perform the ceremony in someone’s disused factory. A person was introduced to me with “Hey Ritz this is your parent who’s gonna do the kanyadaan” and I said “Hi howdyodu!”. I was freaking out, breaking into cold sweat every single second, but was adamant that I had to marry this guy and this guy only. Ex was part grateful and part streamrollered by my determination. Photographs were duly taken as proof (the court required them). We partied, and then I went back to the hostel and Ex went back to his place.

Wedding no. 2 or the wedding that did not happen

A friend who was studying law escorted us to get our marriage registered by the court. The court required the banns to be published plus there was this little, minor, teensy weensy issue of the bride’s age. I was just out of school and underage to boot.  I had a melt down, screamed at the love of my life, quarreled with said friend and generally behaved like a diva. I could see ex having serious second thoughts about our future life. His fault right? He should have known better that to fall in love with me.

Wedding no. 3

My father smartly decided that me and my mother, both of who could be depended upon for even disagreeing about the colour of milk (white/yellowish white) could settle the issue of my wedding. It was simple. My mother refused to recognize it, and I refused to come back home from the hostel unless she did. Ex could pay the hostel fees, big effin deal! We had rounds and rounds of verbal bouts. I decided that I would never laugh at a B grade romantic Hindi movie again. My life seemed to be running true to that format. Things came to head one day when we met at a neutral place (a coffee shop) and I refused to take pocket money from them on grounds that I was married and did not need it. Told ya, I have the makings of a snotty bitch! My kids nip such developments at the bud and keep me humble.

My father, hitherto a quiet and concerned spectator, interjected before Mom threw her coffee at me and I walked out. He said “Okay she is married, so lets just leave it at that. We can acknowledge ex as son-in-law, and we can start life and rebuild relationships”.

I burst into grateful tears and said “Papa I love you.”

Mom was horrified “Log kya kahenge?”. But oh well, at least he had some Punjabi Khatri blood in him. Oh she also had fears that a marriage done in shraddh could never be good. So she insisted I have proper feras. So dear readers, the roka happened 14 days after I got married! Told ya, my life is frickin insane. The kundalis were matched by a pandit who (man gotta give him 100% for accuracy!) said “They’ve already got married!” in front of my Tayaji. Mom had a melt down. Then we had the ring ceremony and the wedding.

Phew!

My friend B…. once observed when the marriage was in doldrums

“Ritz you got married thrice … (Actually two and a half, but who’s counting?)

“Yeah I know”

“To the same dude!”

Me with a deep sigh “Yeah I know, dont rub it in!

Yeah I know …. I know …… I am frickin insane!

I tag the following

Tikuli

Shail

Indiyeah She recently got engaged so may have interesting stories

Soli

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