Tag Archives: Low Budget Drama

The Indian Joint Family : an anachronism

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This is a politically incorrect post.

I read a post on this while blog hopping at this  The Life and Times of an Indian Home Maker: Joint Family and Indian Daughters and it brought back memories that were best left buried. I think the Indian Joint Family system is exploitive to say the least. I hated living in it for eighteen long years and simply can not understand why my Kid#1 and DIL insist on living with me. It is insane to say the least.

I was less than eighteen years old when I got married and trapped into the system. The hierarchy is rigid. MIL is Empress, FIL is like the President – he just has signing and veto authority. SON is Prince Charming, younger SILS AND BILS are favoured courtiers and DIL ranks way below them all, at times even below the live in servant. In fact once when MIL was ranting away at some dal I had cooked which was watery at the dining table, I turned to the servant and said “You at least get paid to listen to this shit, what do I get?” Needless to say, the entire family freaked out on me, but well … I do suffer from foot-in-mouthitis. Then I wasn’t allowed to go meet my parents – who lived in the next lane. I taught in a school which meant that I had to cook breakfast, pack lunch boxes, cook lunch, and get dressed and leave before 7:30 am. My salary which was a mere few hundreds was subject to much scrutiny and the senior ILs had already decided what it would be spent on.

I agree that times have changed, and I would never make the colossal blunder of stopping my DIL from visiting her parents or shopping. Honestly I don’t even know what her salary is. If she feels like cooking or doing housework, it is fine, if not so be it. I think housework is tedious and thankless. After a whole day at office, one approaches it with great distaste. That is why we hire help to do this. But I wonder, should they live with me? I do not like the idea at all. I have spent most of my life living with parents or in-laws and adjusting with them. I would like to live alone for once in my life, on my own terms.

The boys are okay, but they need to grow up and be independent of me too. I have never been the clingy sort of female and am horrified with the thought that they still want to live in the maternal abode. This means that shopping for daily stuff like vegetables, milk etc. is my responsibilities. I pay for the utilities, the servants are my headache. It is my time to retire, take stock, and also save up for old age. I wish there was a way to make them realize, without hurting their feelings, that I love them very much but that I need them out of my home.

The irony of being a Mother In Law

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Sunny Days: Survival Guide for Daughters-in-Law

While blog hopping I came across this heartfelt post of a very young daughter in law which really resonated within me. I married the only child of a super possessive mother and that was one major hurdle to our happily ever after …. but this is not what this post is about. Ex is happy elsewhere – thank goodness and I am happy being mother and single. I never got suckered into becoming wife again. In my youth I would have probably not been so adjusting and have written something like this lady has

Mamma of Twins: The Missing Counsel

Now I am looking at relationships from a different perspective – I am a mother in law. DIL is a delight, fun to be with. I like what women have become these days – confident, witty and with the ability to be straightforward. She is new to the idea of being DIL and as a mother in law, I think I suck big time!!! Even the internet does not have answers for How to be a Mother-in-law. Go ahead – google for it and you will know. You even have anonymous groups called “I Hate my Mother in Law” for godsakes!!!!

So here is a survival guide for mother in laws – totally based on my experience

  1. Every girl is cautioned that Mother in Law is not a mother, the same applies both ways you know, daughter in laws are not daughters.
  2. Do not ever try to guide your daughter in law in the same manner as you guide your children, she will interpret it as criticism of her taste/her intellectual ability/her capability and you are left thinking WTF, I never meant that!!!!
  3. Remember always that she left her home and family to come live in your home. Its tough and lonely. It will take time for her to adapt to your ways. Remember your days, when you did not even have the option of speaking your mind out.
  4. Do not expect your son to take sides with either you or with her. Remember how useless your hubby was when you complained about his mother???? Men avoid “Women’s fights” like the plague and deal with it by surfing the net or having a beer with male friends watching sports, hoping that the issue disappears.
  5. Keep your individuality and allow her to retain hers. You are way to old to change anyway. She is what she is, and your son loves her the way she is. So if you try to bully/dominate her, it will make both your son and her hate you. Your son might forgive you later, she never will.
  6. If your son and daughter in law are fighting, do not take sides. They will make up and your role will make you the villian. Why, they will perhaps blame you as the instigator of the fight.
  7. When you are mad with her – for any reason, apply the DAUGHTER TEST. Just take time out to think how you would react if your daughter were doing the same thing. Chances are that you would take a more lenient view to the issue in question.
  8. Do not expect her to dress a certain way or to eat certain stuff just because it is traditional. Traditions are values which is pretty solid stuff – not the outer covering. Your son has been raised by you and has imbibed your values. The girl of his choice will have similar values.
  9. As and when they decide to live away from you, let them go with a smile. I would also add, ask them to make out a list of the stuff they need – you know basics to start their own home. There is plenty lying in your own home that you dont need – like dishes, cookers, chesters. You can ask them to take these things with them. They will do for them as starters and they will be grateful too.  And you have less stuff to maintain.
  10. You have handed over your son to his wife.  She is his first priority – not you.  So chill okay.  If he spends more time with her, dont sulk.  If they do want to go out with you or spend time with you, they would come and be with you.  Its their zamana, not yours.  Plus at this age, you would not survive their pace, their food, their loud music.  Notice I said “their” They are a team now, you are the bystander.  Accept it.
  11. Lastly and most importantly ….. Be nice to the girl your son brings home – remember that she is the one who will be around when you are old and frail. Also she is the mother of the grandchildren you hope to pamper.

I dont wanna go to school

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Me: Mom, I feel sick.
Her: (feeling my forehead) you don’t feel warm.
Me: Cough! Cough! Hack!!!!!! But, I’m sick! My Tummy Hurts!

Her : You don’t cough when your tummy hurts. Get dressed, you’re late

Okay agreed that was lame, it was actually lamer than lame!!!! Besides my mother was The Big Army Chief, and us mere underlings were the poor soldiers :(

Jawaan, seedhe khade ho ATEEEENSHUN!!!

Ab basta pakadkar quick march karenge, left right left

And off to school we went. But I was persistent and tried again and again. I heard somewhere that putting a raw onion under your armpit works in raising your temperature. So I tried that. Verdict : Middling success. Make up works sometimes, u know kaajal under the eyes with foundation on the face. Warning!!!! Don’t rob mother’s pancake too often – you will get busted. Strategy can work, apply to Dad. Moms of this world cant be fooled easily. KETCHUP WITH HAMMING THAT YOU ARE DYING JUST DOES NOT WORK, NOT EVEN WITH DAD!!!!

My mother was simply not fooled easily. Unless you had over 101 temperature, 16 chicken pox on the body, a fracture or green snot oozing out of your nose, it did not work. My kids had it easy. When they came whining, trying their darnedest to look cute and sick at the same time, I’d look them in the eye and say “Negative marking for over-acting. Make me suffer more of that and it will come off your pocket money”, check if they had some test or something important at school and if not, they could stay home. Anyhow I was never obsessed with having over achievers.

I hate what schools are becoming now-a-days. “That place” has literally become a disturbing mediocre piece of crap that teaches to the tests and worries more about teaching our kids how to make friends and why it isn’t ok to be a bully. They rifle through the kids snacks to make sure they are healthy before they allow them to eat it, they even try to make us sign contracts every year promising to restrict tv viewing in our home to 1/2 hour a day, among other things. I always refused to sign, much to my boys’ embarrassment. Damn them for telling me how to raise my kids. They preach about why its not okay to bully and mug up, and then bully us and the kids to mug up.

Women and Compliments

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What’s with us women? Why do we constantly need morale boosting, I wonder. Whether its a little girl of 7 years, a confident career woman at 30, or a mature woman at 50, we can never hear enough “I am proud of you” “You look beautiful in that” “Thank you for supporting me” “Thank you for taking care of me” “You are doing a great job”.

I was at a cousin’s house the other day. She has two children, a girl aged 10 and a boy about 4 years old. The girl was busy drawing something. During the course of the visit, she brought her drawing book to be admired. We praised her efforts. The little boy looked at her work and like all brothers laughed and rubbished her efforts. The poor thing had tears in her eyes, her world totally shattered. Angrily she said, “My drawing is good” which was replied with “No it isnt” It all degenerated into the classic “Yes it is” and “No it isnt” slanging match. Her father came in, was called to arbitrate, and said sweetly “Of course my love, your drawing is beautiful”. The smile on her face was ecstatic. Her father, the main man in her tiny life, had praised her efforts. She was in heaven!!!

My daughter in law will put on a dress and then spin and dance in the living room. While she is spinning she says “Look at me, isn’t my dress beautiful!” She is the classic independent, confident, grown up woman but there is a little girl deep down spinning around saying “Look at me, tell me I am beautiful”.

The men in our lives should know that they need to affirm and reassure their wives and daughters. If they don’t build their women up and make them feel safe, someone or something else will fill that hole. We dont want TV or a magazine telling us what is beautiful or trying to fill that hole. The longer we wait for the man in our lives to start telling us that we are precious to them, the longer it takes for us to be fulfilled. It is really our souls that have been poisoned with insecurity – for all our lives. Doubt and worry are our constant companions, “Am I good looking enough?”, “Do I look fat?”, “Am I a good cook/home-maker?” “Am I failing at work?” “Am I good mother?” “Am I a good wife?”

Hey men, whatever might be the response you get to your compliments, please please keep on at it. We need your encouragement to boost our morale.

Empty Nest Syndrome

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“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

Empty Nest hit me when I was not looking. It socked me in the heart and I am still hurting. First change happened when Kid #1 fell in love and got married. I was over the moon. Sure they were a bit young, but having a daughter in the house was something I so looked forward to. Boys are great, but then girls are better. Having someone to talk to me about make-up, fashion and even the colour of the curtains is great. I was so enamoured by the novelty of having a girl in the house, that I did not realize that my boy had changed. Then Kid #1 enrolled into Flight School in Philippines. It never occurred to me that this was the big change. He went as my darling boy, came back a young man. Even his marriage had not changed my perception of him as “My Baby”. Kids are lovely once they are toilet trained and dont need a 2 am bottle, and then they become adolescent horrors with harmonal overdrives that drive you crazy. Just when you start enjoying your kids as adults, who are absolutely fun to hang out with, they go away. I dont mean as physically away, but mentally and emotionally they sure do. I think most of the letting go has to happen while you are re-negotiating your relationship with your kid. He is twenty three years old, I really need to stop being Mother Hen. Picture this scenario …….. He opens the fridge and stares at it blankly, I rush in full of maternal need to feed him a hot meal and cluck around him. He gives me “the look”. I retreat in total confusion.

I know this is absolutely a small thing. The fact is that I leave home early in the morning and reach home around 7 p.m. I have done this since he was eight years old. He knows how to heat up a meal, and at 23 years of age, he knows how to operate the microwave for godssake!!!! Of late, the “roll eyes” and “the look” have become quite common. Phew!!! Here I thought I was a laid back Mom with zillions of other things to do in life. All right kiddo, I am getting the message “Mom, Leave me alone!” :)

Kid No. 2 has got out of school this year, and is busy preparing for entrances. He will push off to college within a couple of months. Hopefully, I will be better prepared for the changes it brings in the boys.

One thing is for certain, the house will be clean, no loud music, food bills will be down, and so will the utility bills. I will be able to watch hindi music channels on t.v., and go to bed at a decent hour. I am sure, I’ll enjoy doing all the things I want to do in life … read, write, travel (once Kid#1 gets his pilot’s licence and Kid #2 gets through college), I just got to hang in there with a smile even though poor me is lost, confused and bewildered.

Marriage – the holy grail ???

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Thoughts on Womens Day

Marriage is still held to be the Holy Grail in a sub-continental woman’s life. All else is merely insignificant rites of passage. And closely following marriage is motherhood. More so when you consider how marriages happen today. One just has to leaf through matrimonial columns of newspapers to know that the fair, slim, convent educated virgin bride is highly prized and perhaps will be easier on the pocket of her parent. A dusky complexioned girl will force her poor dad to shell out a huge sum. I skim through these and look around me, so many educated girls working and earning respectable salaries. When the search for a groom begins, their fathers too shell out. And in most cases, these girls meekly tow the line.

On Women’s Day, I got many emails all extolling women as daughters, sisters, wives, mothers etc. But really, have we been valued for ourselves? For being the persons that we are. We are still stuck in the feudal mindset. We ourselves see ourselves as somebody’s wife, daughter, mother etc etc. Oh sure, education and financial independence has encouraged us to dream big – but they do not ensure that those dreams get fulfilled. From the time of Sita to our time, have our reality changed. We, the women in the Indian subcontinent still hanker for the social security and the acceptance that comes with the mangal sutra, and the status of being mother to a son.

As long as we are raised to feel handicapped, like lesser human beings just because we are born women, our situation will not change. Only when we are comfortable with ourselves and are able to live on our terms in a society that respects womanhood will we truly be free. Empowerment comes with true freedom. Perhaps then women will be able to live without being liabilities to be dowered and sold. And after that humiliation, still not being able to command respect unless she becomes the mother of a son.

Our Deepest Fear

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I was talking to a nice lady today, a very concerned and loving parent, caring wife – the foundation stone of her home, and she was telling me about her problems. During the course of our talk, I realized that she actually just wanted to sound off her problems and did not want any solutions. She was afraid to have nothing to complain about or was afraid that if everything worked well, she would be redundant. It reminded me of a poem by Marianne Williamson

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OUR DEEPEST FEAR

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is
within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Random Musings

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Life is such a funny thing. When I was born, I thought …. was convinced that I inhabited the skies ……. At about age 6 I realised to my great disappointment that my address was “Earth” ( 3rd rock from the sun ). I found it a very humbling experience. Really not happening …. Ever since, I’ve been wanting to go back into infinity – like they say in Star Trek “Boldly go where no man has gone before ” I’ll get there, one way or another. My interests in astrology, meditation are closely linked with this.

The three ‘R’s are my main passion in life. I love to read, I love to write (mostly fiction) and I hate arithmetic with a passion.