I personally do not know why I get the cleaning bug from time to time.  In my opinion it is very inconvenient, that is, to say the least.  When it hits any one it follows one single course – it gets the poor deluded victim to climb up nooks and crannies, discard a whole lot to stuff that was sitting quietly and minding its own business and such an infection only leaves the victim sweaty, with aching muscles and a pain in the back.

Sigh – cleaning!!

Its various stages … as per my experience are listed below.  Readers can add, embellish etc etc.

1. The pre-incubus stage is brought about by A Sense of Competition

Beware!  If you are feeling that Mrs.XYZ’s home is spotlessly clean, just pause and reflect.  The lady perhaps has nothing much to do in life.  Imagine serving you tea with neatly starched cloth napkins.  Humph!  She probably even keeps tea and coffee in their respective containers.  Possibly she never heard of the creative beauty of keeping tea leaves in the sugar pot and coffee in the container marked tea. Organized is so unimaginative

Unfriend her on FaceBook

Delete her number from your cellphone

Sigh, no use ….  She has infected you, my friend.  You are suffering from the dreaded Cleaning Fever.

Now you may ask, what is the next thing to expect?

2. Delusion, the second stage

Sadly, now you are infected.  You look at them drawers, cupboards and nooks and crannies.  You laugh bravely, roll up your sleeves and declare : “Oh this is nothing.  I’ll get it done within a couple of hours.  You put on some great music like this one

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

You even sing along and get on with it.  You get one crockery drawer done, and the next . You think to yourself “I’m doing good!”

3. Devastation

Yes, that is what comes next! In your enthusiasm you have emptied the whole damn wardrobe. Ambition has bitten you and you have possibly even upturned the toy cabinet. Your home looks like a wreck and you weep a few tears wondering “How will I ever get this done?” Then you say “Don’t cry” and bawl! After that you pick up letters circa 1971 and wonder why you are such a hoarder and why did you even keep two mismatched orange socks! Then you take a deep breath and say “Don’t panic”

And then in a split second YOU PANIC!!!

Never mind, you have to let the infection run its full course. Take a deep breath, its going to get better not worse.

4. Procrastination

You settle down on the floor or bed, decide to have a cup of tea or something cold. You need it since you’ve been crying/raging/hyperventilating. Then you realize you are hungry and need a bite to eat. May be the dog needs a walk or the baby needs a change or whatever. You switch on the television to distract yourself and calm your nerves. The good news is the infection is subsiding. The bad news is that the home is in a mess. This naturally leads to the fifth stage.

5. Guilt

You look at the clock, four hours are passed since the stage of delusion. Only one wardrobe done. So you blame yourself, kick yourself in the butt, hyperventilate some more, sob some more and get on with it. You also bad mouth children, partner, husband, maid and throw the circa 1971 letters in the dust bin.

It is evening now, you are aching all over, sweaty and badly need some TLC. This is when the final stage hits you

6. Jugaad or Resourcefulness

The shelves are clean, things to be discarded have been thrown. Now you start stuffing everything willy nilly back into the cupboards. After all, what are they for, but to store and hide the mess? You kick some toys under the bed, arrange all visible things neatly and go for a long and relaxing shower.

Congratulations, you have just recovered from a major attack of the dreaded Cleaning Fever.

Yes, you may shine your halo, arrange it on your head, pour yourself a stiff drink and order a pizza. After all the Cleaning Fever leaves the victim weak and tired. One good thing though, you will get a great night’s sleep!

All images, courtesy google

My office computer has a virus.  Damn

My Office Computer hereinafter christened as O.C. (Yes, this is a nod to Suresh Kalmadi’s Organizing committee) has a virus.

I use Firefox – no special reason, I just like the name, its fiery.  I have even disabled Internet Explorer, but randomly, just when I am crunching numbers, or doing something really important, some IE windows open up – 5 at a time or something until they choke the ram up.

Sigh ….

It has to get reformatted.

And I did not even make crores on this O.C.

On the brighter side, I won’t have notoriety and Arnab Goswami and CBI at my throat.

See you on the other side of computer reformatting.

Well I have been a saint in 2010 …. at least the last two months.  I have given up sugar, maida and ghee.  I have even started going for long walks.  Mind you, I have had to do them, because of medical reasons.  These are not resolutions that I have made.  I n.e.v.e.r make resolutions.  Being the kind of person I am, once I make them, I then feel it is my moral duty to break them.  I also treat rules the same way.  And yes, I was the kid in school who looked longingly out of the window in class, and perversely spent the games period in the class.

Okies …. so what do I have to say to self for  2011

1.  I resolve to try and control my laughter at jokes of my own devising.  Lesser mortals may not get them.  And stop rolling your eyes at me, dear offsprings.  English language is a hoot.  Where else will you have a term like “PSYCHO THE RAPIST” which denotes a respectable profession hmmm?

2. I will try to not be tempted to roll my eyes at people who order sugarless coffee and a huge chunk of chocolate cake at a coffee shop.  No it is not sour grapes.  I simply don’t get it.  I will look the other way.

3. I will try to live within my budget, failing which I resolve to search for a suitable pocket with a more generous budget to live off.  Millionaires invited please.  Apart from the loads of money, all they need to have is a sense of humor.

4. I will try not to figure out how exactly to execute a crime.  At least not aloud.  Yeah I am prone to watching Sansanikhej Khabar and the likes and then plan out how exactly the crime should be executed successfully.  Thing is that when I talk about it, people get a glazed look in their eyes.  In my defense, I think its excellent exercise of imagination and grey matter.

5. I will try not to look tired and washed out, so that I can blackmail the kids into allowing me a drink (medicinal).  It never works, damn.  I need to figure out another act, which will work.  I may as well keep a bottle in my almairah, but drinking alone sucks.

6. I will try not to get all emotional about money or the lack of thereof.  If I have it, I spend it at once.  So getting emotional about it is a waste of time.

7. I will try not to lure stray dogs to the house.  Our resident dogs have taken offence.  They nearly killed the last one …

8. I will try not to look for hidden chauvinistic undertones in everything men say at work.  Nah! Forget it, it isnt worth the effort to get pissed about.  They don’t know any better.

9. I will source sugar and fat free deserts, and then turn my nose at them.  Then I shall go without desert and be martyr.  What is life without a bit of melodrama?

10. F.O.R.  O.N.C.E.  I.N.  M.Y.  L.I.F.E I shall wear a cowboy hat with dungarees and a tucked in tee shirt properly accessorized with spur boots and pistols and walk a busy mall.   What is life without sensationalism?

I shall live, laugh, love and of course fight and cry wholeheartedly.  I don’t know how to live any other way.

AWESOME GYAN FOR 2011

Sardi aur beizzatti jitni mehsoos karo utni hi lagti hai

HAVE A WONDERFUL 2011

First of all, I know I know, the blog seems colourless compared to my blog in the yesteryears.  Kya karen, my blog design had a trojan.  I hung on to it for dear life …. but had to discard it.  You guys would have abandoned me on the wayside, and I love you all and want you guys to visit and comment.  So adieu fancy blog design.  I have shed bitter tears, implored on Godji to curse all virus and other meanos.

But I have a very big axe to grind with Godji.

I’ll tell you why

1. Mayawati got that humongous thousand rupee notes garland on her birthday today, worth 15 crore or something.  Well, I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago.  I did not get even a marigold ka haar, let alone the thousand ke note ka haar.  Kyon bhai??  Simply not happening.  What has Mayawati got that I dont?  No – dont answer that!  It was a rhetorical question.

2. Another axe to grind with Godji ~  seems like all the Godmen in this country have a hot and happening sex life.  We dont   This is not fair.  I mean I can understand if yogis have a rocking sex life.  They eat right, exercise so their libido has to be up.   What about these Godmen?  I mean just telling people to pray and meditate and dishing out commonsense and feel good mantras and gyan should not be reason for them to have all the money, the adulation and all that sex.  Aur ab this malaise is international.  We have swamijis here and priests abroad.  Kya ho raha hai.  They are having fun, bad sort of fun, sometimes evil, sometimes kinky, and here we have dull and drab lives.  Godji kuch toh socho!!!

3. Godji, my third point ~ Mera pretty pretty blog design.  Damn trojans killed it.  They effin ate it up.  Sob!!!  I am teaching myself HTML and weird stuff so that I can design me a nice header.  I am fifty years old dammit and the grey cells are not as agile as I wish they were.  Okay, I’ll behave…..  Sorry about that     I am such a ham!  I simply cant resist turning the senti stuff on.  Actually I love the challenge.  I assure you, I will make me a header that is nice.  Godji help me please.

4. I have just had to refuse 6 people who wanted to help me save taxes/give me loans/issue me credit cars.  Darn!  At least there are folk out there who think I am rich.  Godji kya kartey ho yaar?  Mujhko style de diya, without the substance.  Simple hai, make me as rich as I apparently appear.

Sigh I have vented.  Now I shall go back to HTML, PHP and other sundry alphabets that will help me personalise this blog design.  Nice talking to you Godji and nice talking to you dear reader.

See ya

Yeah this is a social art one should learn.  One is faced with many situations when one has to paint a fake smile on the face, show pleasure, fork out a whole lot of hard earned money and get a gift for someone one wishes were wiped off the face of this earth!  We need to do the gifting thing for Diwali, for Christmas, for weddings and New Year.

If you are a north Indian, life gets easier.  You simply take a shagun envelope, pop in some money, seal it and slip it into the said person’s pocket.  Chore done!  We have reduced gifting to a simple financial transaction.  But it simply does not reflect the anger, the displeasure that one feels in parting with that sum of money does it?  I mean it does not say “Mrs. Chopra, I think you are an overfed, over made up empty headed shallow person, and I don’t give a rat’s ass that your spoilt son is getting married” etc etc. Get my drift?

Well, if one has to do the deed, I think one can do it with panache!

So here are my suggestions for really creative gifting  

EVIL GIFTING IDEAS

1. Santa themed neck tie

Dont knock it.  Someone gave ex a red christmassy tie with santas, reindeers and christmas bells on it.  The look on his face was priceless when he unwrapped it.  Well, he never wore it (obviously) and I ultimately hung a few bells using it as a string on the baby’s crib.  I have always found it really creatively evil gifting idea!  While on the subject a hawaiian shirt would do well too.

2. A hard-bound copy of the Ramayana or Geeta (written in Sanskrit with no translation).

Feel free to substitute it with other appropriate religious material.  Most effective when the recipient is young, non-religious and suffering from a hangover when he unwraps it.

3. A Morning Walker :

Ideal gift to give to an ex who is simply not moving on or getting the message.  If you do not want to spend that much money, a Low Cal diet recipe book will suffice too.

4. A dress that is just one size small.

This is purrrfect for the oh so superior patronizing females.  I have heard of a lady who did that every christmas for her daughters and daughter in laws.  Then she would insist on them modeling it for her and then cluck sympathetically and say “I simply did not realize how healthy my darling girls have grown!”

Well Alicia Keyes dress says it all ~~~ and most of us arent as shapely as her to carry it off even this much~

5. A vacuum cleaner/Vesta dish warmers.

Husbands if you hate your wives go for it!  If you hate sleeping on the couch, dont do it, tempting though it may be …..  :P

6. A life-sized framed poster of Kylie Minogue looking like this

Works wonderfully as Mrs. Chopra’s spoilt son’s wedding gift.  She can spend the rest of her life bitching about it at kitty parties, but her son wont know where to keep it – not to mention – how to explain to his bride!

7. Soap

Cheap, unimaginative.  Just sends the message that you could not be bothered to think of a suitable gift at the best; and that you think the person should wash up, at the worst.

8. A drum set (the electronic one with 6 different tones and 8 different beats) for your least favorite cousin’s brat

The good thing will be that you will no longer be on talking terms with your cousin.  A win-win situation

9. A neatly packed set of mouth freshener, dental floss and mouth wash

10. Santa Toilet Seat Covers and Shower Decorations

I saw these at Amazon, laughed my guts out and got inspired into writing this blog!

1.  You have to stare hard at the fan to confirm that its working, since it does not produce cool breeze at full speed

2.  When you start seriously wondering if you should apply a paste made of mint and coriander on your face before cooking for the cool effect (I am sure it will do wonders for the skin too!)

3.  When the best item on the menu is kheera raita with bits of ice floating in it, closely followed by chilled water

4. Your idea of a good time is to read a novel soaking in a bath tub full of iced water

5.  When you are working out in the morning and Micheal Jackson’s death is announced, you dont know if you are wiping tears or sweat

6.  When you think its a jolly good idea to sell all the airconditioners in the house and buy coolers since the voltage to run the a.c.’s is not provided by the Powers That Be

7.  When you actually look forward to coming to office, reason being at least you get to sit in air conditioned ambience without power cuts

8.  When you sleep on the marbled floor of your bedroom because the floor is cooler than the mattress on your bed (My back hurts but its worth it!)

9.  When you seriously wish you’d retired and pushed off to the dream cottage in the hills (so what if you havent bought it yet?)

10.  When you make lists like this ………

THE THEATRE CALLED LIFE

I know I know … y’all think I am getting morbid in my not-so-old age!!! LOL that is not so.  But getting to this age … and watching a whole lot of people departing has brought me face to face with the politics of mourning.

There are people who walk into the bereaved house looking sombre

There are others who come in, blank faced …. ohhhh they dont wanna be there, they square their shoulders and steel themselves.  It is a chore, they check if people have noted their presence and then they beat a hasty retreat!

And the strange thing is that though no one is marking attendance, every one’s presence is duly noted and lots of venom is reserved for folks who do not turn up.

I am floored by a relative though.  A distant relative of ours had passed on.  And the lady needed a lift.  Since I had to go to the bereaved house myself, I agreed to pick her up.  We chatted all through the way.  She even got me to stop at Sunder Nagar and we had the most awesome chaat.  Then we landed at the house ……, and she burst into inconsolable tears.

OH MY GOD!!!!  She beat the most accomplished actresses at the demonstration of grief.  Here I was guiltily licking imli chutney off my fingers while watching her performance … quite over-awed!  And then it dawned on me that she actually set off others crying too.  Gosh!

I have seen it time and again.  People – mostly of the female variety carry within them deep pools of grief …. and this they use to mourn at others’ losses.  No one is actually mourning the departure of the person himself.  Every one gathers together and then weeps for their own losses, their own sorrows.  I am sure it is cathartic and extremely good therapy.

First women gather around the bereaved wife/mother/sister/daughter and wail.  It would seem that they are inconsolable.  Then they slowly move away and start exchanging news : who died where, how much did he leave, what was the daughter in law doing, so and so’s son cleared his exam and is now earning xxxx amount of money.   It is amazing – this carnival of life.

Men come in looking serious.  They sit with the bereaved men of the house solemn …. for about 10 minutes.  Then they gather outside and discuss stuff – beginning with what they were doing when they got the news, speculate about who is going to fill the dead person’s shoes and then they start discussing shares and politics.

A good friend calls it the “On stage look and behavior and Off stage look and behavior”.

Glad to know that I am not the only one who has this modern day need to be brutally honest and tactless.

I read Nimmy’s blog ,   “How easy is it to undergo a divorce?”  With due respect to Nimmy, I have big problems with the title of the blog entry – divorce never is and never will be easy – any where in the world.  It is hard, it is painful and it is lonely.  Brittney Spears had a tough time getting one, Madonna paid wagonloads of money to get hers, and these are women of stature and substance.  Men have it equally hard.  It costs, in terms of emotion, in terms of loss, in terms of stability and also financially.

Let us be practical here.  To get a divorce there are certain things I had to do:

• Admit that there is something wrong.  The love has turned into ashes or that the relationship has become toxic.  It hurts and shakes you up.  My self confidence was down in the ditches
• Do something about it – try to rebuild the love, try to make the marriage work, use every avenue, every leverage –  parents, in-laws, siblings, friends – yes even the kids to help kickstart the marriage.  It worked for a while – but when the centre does not hold – peripherals dont work
• Admit defeat and go into depression – I did that.  Hoo boy – was I drama queen or what?  I wept, I moped, I wandered around like a Main Bechari.
• Do something about it – this involved divorce.  I frankly did not have the guts.  My marriage lasted eighteen long years.  My life was in shambles and the price I paid in terms of self worth and the psychological impact it had on my elder son was very expensive.

Is it easy?  No it is not.  I never re-married.  It was not for lack of choice.  I simply can not and will not hand over the controls of my life and my happiness into some one else’s whimsical hands.  I am too traumatised and scared to do that.  That is the biggest price I have paid.  I watched my son become a problem kid.  I watched him get into fights and get into bad and violent company.  His parents were too busy settling scores with each other.  One day, he was just a kid,  he came and asked me if I would protect him if he did something really wrong like sell drugs or kill someone.  That got me out of my “self pity stupor” and forced me to act, if not for myself – at least for the sake of my children.  I walked out of my marriage.  It never was easy.  I had to rebuild life – starting with roof over my head to gas connection to furniture etc etc.

The important thing here is that one has to accept that I am in this alone. Parents are old and do not want the added responsibility of a daughter with children and legal issues.  They have married off their daughter and would prefer that she stays that way.  Friends dont want to be involved, and if they are, they hate taking sides.  So you lose your friends.  Relatives would love to gossip and if they do talk to you, they are gathering masala to fuel the gossip fires.

This is a male dominated society with laws that are skewed totally to favour the woman.  I know you are having a WTF moment here.  Bear with me.  All the laws are so designed that they give all the breaks to the woman.  The entire neighbourhood, the cops, the lawyers are products of a society that would love to favour the man.  It leads to total confusion.  In my case, this led to years and years of legal procedures.  We called it quits when one son was 10 and the other was two, were declared seperated when my elder son was 15 and younger son was 7.  We were formally divorced when my elder one was 19 and younger one was 11.

My ex wanted the divorce but did not want to come to court or get caught in the alimony and compensation web.  So he stayed out of it.  Ultimately he was declared “absconding and untraceable’ and that is what is written on the divorce papers.

You know what we did that day?  Me and the boys went out and celebrated.  We got royally drunk and ate too much!  It was such a relief.   Then I rang up ex and told him it was over.  He was relieved too.  He had remarried six months after we had broken up – yeah, when the kids were 10 and 2 years old.  His wife was giving him hell about the legal thingy.  I dont grudge him that.  I could have done the same – he could not have objected, since he was sailing in the same boat.  The choice to remain single was mine.

It is not easy to get a divorce.  It is not easy to live the life of a divorcee – where people think you are easy and available.  It is not easy to raise kids as a single parent.  But it is harder on a person to stay in a marriage which has ended.  I dont put any value on legal papers so to say.  Ex married six months after we seperated.  That does not mean his marriage is not valid.  It is more valid than ours was while the case was being fought.

Marriage is a partnership and I think it becomes null and void the day its basic tenets of love, trust and mutually shared goals is compromised.  After that one is living a lie.  The children living with such parents are also affected.  I look at my kids today with pride.  They are positive, responsible, well behaved and loving.  We have lived a good life.

No one said life would be easy – especially after the divorce.  The only thing that kept me going was the thought that “Why the hell should a 30 year old pay the price for a mistake she committed at age 17?”  It has been one hell of a ride – but damn it, it has been eventful and totally worth it.

Why do you blog?

Because I have so much to say – and no one to hear me out.

That’s bullshit
It may be bullshit but its true

I’ve read your blog – and its not the true you
Uhuh?

In any case – its only 3% of you. Oh okay, may be 45% of you. Its kind of unreal.
Oh hey – what do you want me to do – list the moles I have on my body or blog about the many times we go visit the loo i.e. me and the others in my family?

Don’t you have a life other than this blogging?
Hmmm wonder if someone asked Shakespeare this question?

So you think you are Shakespeare haan?
I write in a different genre

I think it gives you a faltu type ego, and is making you turn fake.
WTF!!!! Fake???????

Editor’s Note :Well, there might be some grain of truth in the objector …… and I do promise to myself that I will live in real time too.However that said and done, I wonder why this had to surface after the award?

My question to others on blogosphere : Do you feel that we live too much in the virtual world and turn fake for the people who know us in real time?

So Karan Johar has come out …. or rather as out as he dares to, without jeopardising his stake at the Box Office.  He shows two guys pretending to be gay to get themselves an apartment and also to be close to a girl.  Yes its Dostana I am talking about.  My family saw it, and told me the gist of the story.  Well, in my opinion all the men shown by Johar in his movies are gay pretending to be straight anyway.  I also think Shah Rukh Khan is bisexual – as per his body language.  Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam was all about Shah Rukh and Hritik and Kal Ho Na Ho was all about Saif and Shah Rukh.  The girls were incidental.

It got me thinking, is it a trend or something?  Fashion with all its gay designers, and now Dostana.  Has the time come for gay visibility?  Is India finally getting mature and comfortable with alternate sexuality?

Gay people are normal and real.  They are not sleazy sex manaics ready to grope any good looking butt.  They might look appreciatively, but there is no harm in that.

For me the main stream masala film that worked in depicting gay people was Honey Moon Travels, in which the NRI played by Vikram Chatwal and the small town groom played by Karan Khanna come to terms with their sexuality.  The NRI knows he is gay, and that he has decieved his wife by not telling her about this crucial fact …. and he confesses and tries to make amends.  Karan Khanna’s character does not even know about himself.  He is totally bewildered by the emotions awakened in him by this NRI.  He probably does not even understand the concept of being gay.  Both of them are good decent guys, they want to be good husbands to their wives.  The way the small town groom tries to rationalise and understand his attraction for the NRI really touched my heart. 

I know I am not very tolerant.  I guess I am deeply thankful that my sons are heterosexual and do not have to face a hostile society and I will not have to watch them get ostracised and hurt.  Homosexuals have the same needs, wants as heterosexuals, and do need to be given space and respect for their choices.  They dont need to be laughed at and be at the recieving end of Kantabai jokes.