The art of gifting to people you hate

Yeah this is a social art one should learn.  One is faced with many situations when one has to paint a fake smile on the face, show pleasure, fork out a whole lot of hard earned money and get a gift for someone one wishes were wiped off the face of this earth!  We need to do the gifting thing for Diwali, for Christmas, for weddings and New Year.

If you are a north Indian, life gets easier.  You simply take a shagun envelope, pop in some money, seal it and slip it into the said person’s pocket.  Chore done!  We have reduced gifting to a simple financial transaction.  But it simply does not reflect the anger, the displeasure that one feels in parting with that sum of money does it?  I mean it does not say “Mrs. Chopra, I think you are an overfed, over made up empty headed shallow person, and I don’t give a rat’s ass that your spoilt son is getting married” etc etc. Get my drift?

Well, if one has to do the deed, I think one can do it with panache!

So here are my suggestions for really creative gifting  

EVIL GIFTING IDEAS

1. Santa themed neck tie

Dont knock it.  Someone gave ex a red christmassy tie with santas, reindeers and christmas bells on it.  The look on his face was priceless when he unwrapped it.  Well, he never wore it (obviously) and I ultimately hung a few bells using it as a string on the baby’s crib.  I have always found it really creatively evil gifting idea!  While on the subject a hawaiian shirt would do well too.

2. A hard-bound copy of the Ramayana or Geeta (written in Sanskrit with no translation).

Feel free to substitute it with other appropriate religious material.  Most effective when the recipient is young, non-religious and suffering from a hangover when he unwraps it.

3. A Morning Walker :

Ideal gift to give to an ex who is simply not moving on or getting the message.  If you do not want to spend that much money, a Low Cal diet recipe book will suffice too.

4. A dress that is just one size small.

This is purrrfect for the oh so superior patronizing females.  I have heard of a lady who did that every christmas for her daughters and daughter in laws.  Then she would insist on them modeling it for her and then cluck sympathetically and say “I simply did not realize how healthy my darling girls have grown!”

Well Alicia Keyes dress says it all ~~~ and most of us arent as shapely as her to carry it off even this much~

5. A vacuum cleaner/Vesta dish warmers.

Husbands if you hate your wives go for it!  If you hate sleeping on the couch, dont do it, tempting though it may be …..  :P

6. A life-sized framed poster of Kylie Minogue looking like this

Works wonderfully as Mrs. Chopra’s spoilt son’s wedding gift.  She can spend the rest of her life bitching about it at kitty parties, but her son wont know where to keep it – not to mention – how to explain to his bride!

7. Soap

Cheap, unimaginative.  Just sends the message that you could not be bothered to think of a suitable gift at the best; and that you think the person should wash up, at the worst.

8. A drum set (the electronic one with 6 different tones and 8 different beats) for your least favorite cousin’s brat

The good thing will be that you will no longer be on talking terms with your cousin.  A win-win situation

9. A neatly packed set of mouth freshener, dental floss and mouth wash

10. Santa Toilet Seat Covers and Shower Decorations

I saw these at Amazon, laughed my guts out and got inspired into writing this blog!

You know its too hot when

1.  You have to stare hard at the fan to confirm that its working, since it does not produce cool breeze at full speed

2.  When you start seriously wondering if you should apply a paste made of mint and coriander on your face before cooking for the cool effect (I am sure it will do wonders for the skin too!)

3.  When the best item on the menu is kheera raita with bits of ice floating in it, closely followed by chilled water

4. Your idea of a good time is to read a novel soaking in a bath tub full of iced water

5.  When you are working out in the morning and Micheal Jackson’s death is announced, you dont know if you are wiping tears or sweat

6.  When you think its a jolly good idea to sell all the airconditioners in the house and buy coolers since the voltage to run the a.c.’s is not provided by the Powers That Be

7.  When you actually look forward to coming to office, reason being at least you get to sit in air conditioned ambience without power cuts

8.  When you sleep on the marbled floor of your bedroom because the floor is cooler than the mattress on your bed (My back hurts but its worth it!)

9.  When you seriously wish you’d retired and pushed off to the dream cottage in the hills (so what if you havent bought it yet?)

10.  When you make lists like this ………

The art of mourning

THE THEATRE CALLED LIFE

I know I know … y’all think I am getting morbid in my not-so-old age!!! LOL that is not so.  But getting to this age … and watching a whole lot of people departing has brought me face to face with the politics of mourning.

There are people who walk into the bereaved house looking sombre

There are others who come in, blank faced …. ohhhh they dont wanna be there, they square their shoulders and steel themselves.  It is a chore, they check if people have noted their presence and then they beat a hasty retreat!

And the strange thing is that though no one is marking attendance, every one’s presence is duly noted and lots of venom is reserved for folks who do not turn up.

I am floored by a relative though.  A distant relative of ours had passed on.  And the lady needed a lift.  Since I had to go to the bereaved house myself, I agreed to pick her up.  We chatted all through the way.  She even got me to stop at Sunder Nagar and we had the most awesome chaat.  Then we landed at the house ……, and she burst into inconsolable tears.

OH MY GOD!!!!  She beat the most accomplished actresses at the demonstration of grief.  Here I was guiltily licking imli chutney off my fingers while watching her performance … quite over-awed!  And then it dawned on me that she actually set off others crying too.  Gosh!

I have seen it time and again.  People – mostly of the female variety carry within them deep pools of grief …. and this they use to mourn at others’ losses.  No one is actually mourning the departure of the person himself.  Every one gathers together and then weeps for their own losses, their own sorrows.  I am sure it is cathartic and extremely good therapy.

First women gather around the bereaved wife/mother/sister/daughter and wail.  It would seem that they are inconsolable.  Then they slowly move away and start exchanging news : who died where, how much did he leave, what was the daughter in law doing, so and so’s son cleared his exam and is now earning xxxx amount of money.   It is amazing – this carnival of life.

Men come in looking serious.  They sit with the bereaved men of the house solemn …. for about 10 minutes.  Then they gather outside and discuss stuff – beginning with what they were doing when they got the news, speculate about who is going to fill the dead person’s shoes and then they start discussing shares and politics.

A good friend calls it the “On stage look and behavior and Off stage look and behavior”.

Glad to know that I am not the only one who has this modern day need to be brutally honest and tactless.

Divorce – a thorny path

I read Nimmy’s blog ,   “How easy is it to undergo a divorce?”  With due respect to Nimmy, I have big problems with the title of the blog entry – divorce never is and never will be easy – any where in the world.  It is hard, it is painful and it is lonely.  Brittney Spears had a tough time getting one, Madonna paid wagonloads of money to get hers, and these are women of stature and substance.  Men have it equally hard.  It costs, in terms of emotion, in terms of loss, in terms of stability and also financially.

Let us be practical here.  To get a divorce there are certain things I had to do:

• Admit that there is something wrong.  The love has turned into ashes or that the relationship has become toxic.  It hurts and shakes you up.  My self confidence was down in the ditches
• Do something about it – try to rebuild the love, try to make the marriage work, use every avenue, every leverage –  parents, in-laws, siblings, friends – yes even the kids to help kickstart the marriage.  It worked for a while – but when the centre does not hold – peripherals dont work
• Admit defeat and go into depression – I did that.  Hoo boy – was I drama queen or what?  I wept, I moped, I wandered around like a Main Bechari.
• Do something about it – this involved divorce.  I frankly did not have the guts.  My marriage lasted eighteen long years.  My life was in shambles and the price I paid in terms of self worth and the psychological impact it had on my elder son was very expensive.

Is it easy?  No it is not.  I never re-married.  It was not for lack of choice.  I simply can not and will not hand over the controls of my life and my happiness into some one else’s whimsical hands.  I am too traumatised and scared to do that.  That is the biggest price I have paid.  I watched my son become a problem kid.  I watched him get into fights and get into bad and violent company.  His parents were too busy settling scores with each other.  One day, he was just a kid,  he came and asked me if I would protect him if he did something really wrong like sell drugs or kill someone.  That got me out of my “self pity stupor” and forced me to act, if not for myself – at least for the sake of my children.  I walked out of my marriage.  It never was easy.  I had to rebuild life – starting with roof over my head to gas connection to furniture etc etc.

The important thing here is that one has to accept that I am in this alone. Parents are old and do not want the added responsibility of a daughter with children and legal issues.  They have married off their daughter and would prefer that she stays that way.  Friends dont want to be involved, and if they are, they hate taking sides.  So you lose your friends.  Relatives would love to gossip and if they do talk to you, they are gathering masala to fuel the gossip fires.

This is a male dominated society with laws that are skewed totally to favour the woman.  I know you are having a WTF moment here.  Bear with me.  All the laws are so designed that they give all the breaks to the woman.  The entire neighbourhood, the cops, the lawyers are products of a society that would love to favour the man.  It leads to total confusion.  In my case, this led to years and years of legal procedures.  We called it quits when one son was 10 and the other was two, were declared seperated when my elder son was 15 and younger son was 7.  We were formally divorced when my elder one was 19 and younger one was 11.

My ex wanted the divorce but did not want to come to court or get caught in the alimony and compensation web.  So he stayed out of it.  Ultimately he was declared “absconding and untraceable’ and that is what is written on the divorce papers.

You know what we did that day?  Me and the boys went out and celebrated.  We got royally drunk and ate too much!  It was such a relief.   Then I rang up ex and told him it was over.  He was relieved too.  He had remarried six months after we had broken up – yeah, when the kids were 10 and 2 years old.  His wife was giving him hell about the legal thingy.  I dont grudge him that.  I could have done the same – he could not have objected, since he was sailing in the same boat.  The choice to remain single was mine.

It is not easy to get a divorce.  It is not easy to live the life of a divorcee – where people think you are easy and available.  It is not easy to raise kids as a single parent.  But it is harder on a person to stay in a marriage which has ended.  I dont put any value on legal papers so to say.  Ex married six months after we seperated.  That does not mean his marriage is not valid.  It is more valid than ours was while the case was being fought.

Marriage is a partnership and I think it becomes null and void the day its basic tenets of love, trust and mutually shared goals is compromised.  After that one is living a lie.  The children living with such parents are also affected.  I look at my kids today with pride.  They are positive, responsible, well behaved and loving.  We have lived a good life.

No one said life would be easy – especially after the divorce.  The only thing that kept me going was the thought that “Why the hell should a 30 year old pay the price for a mistake she committed at age 17?”  It has been one hell of a ride – but damn it, it has been eventful and totally worth it.

Why do you blog?

Why do you blog?

Because I have so much to say – and no one to hear me out.

That’s bullshit
It may be bullshit but its true

I’ve read your blog – and its not the true you
Uhuh?

In any case – its only 3% of you. Oh okay, may be 45% of you. Its kind of unreal.
Oh hey – what do you want me to do – list the moles I have on my body or blog about the many times we go visit the loo i.e. me and the others in my family?

Don’t you have a life other than this blogging?
Hmmm wonder if someone asked Shakespeare this question?

So you think you are Shakespeare haan?
I write in a different genre

I think it gives you a faltu type ego, and is making you turn fake.
WTF!!!! Fake???????

Editor’s Note :Well, there might be some grain of truth in the objector …… and I do promise to myself that I will live in real time too.However that said and done, I wonder why this had to surface after the award?

My question to others on blogosphere : Do you feel that we live too much in the virtual world and turn fake for the people who know us in real time?

Alternate Sexuality

So Karan Johar has come out …. or rather as out as he dares to, without jeopardising his stake at the Box Office.  He shows two guys pretending to be gay to get themselves an apartment and also to be close to a girl.  Yes its Dostana I am talking about.  My family saw it, and told me the gist of the story.  Well, in my opinion all the men shown by Johar in his movies are gay pretending to be straight anyway.  I also think Shah Rukh Khan is bisexual – as per his body language.  Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam was all about Shah Rukh and Hritik and Kal Ho Na Ho was all about Saif and Shah Rukh.  The girls were incidental.

It got me thinking, is it a trend or something?  Fashion with all its gay designers, and now Dostana.  Has the time come for gay visibility?  Is India finally getting mature and comfortable with alternate sexuality?

Gay people are normal and real.  They are not sleazy sex manaics ready to grope any good looking butt.  They might look appreciatively, but there is no harm in that.

For me the main stream masala film that worked in depicting gay people was Honey Moon Travels, in which the NRI played by Vikram Chatwal and the small town groom played by Karan Khanna come to terms with their sexuality.  The NRI knows he is gay, and that he has decieved his wife by not telling her about this crucial fact …. and he confesses and tries to make amends.  Karan Khanna’s character does not even know about himself.  He is totally bewildered by the emotions awakened in him by this NRI.  He probably does not even understand the concept of being gay.  Both of them are good decent guys, they want to be good husbands to their wives.  The way the small town groom tries to rationalise and understand his attraction for the NRI really touched my heart. 

I know I am not very tolerant.  I guess I am deeply thankful that my sons are heterosexual and do not have to face a hostile society and I will not have to watch them get ostracised and hurt.  Homosexuals have the same needs, wants as heterosexuals, and do need to be given space and respect for their choices.  They dont need to be laughed at and be at the recieving end of Kantabai jokes.

Bigamy … my thoughts

The Maharastra Government gave its green signal to amend Section 125 of Criminal Procedure Code (CrPC) which seeks to protect the pecuniary interests of the ‘other woman’. However, it would need the Centre’s stamp of approval to become a law. Live in relations will finally become legal in India and wives out of wedlock will become “heirs” along with their children. The caste and dowry system will vanish for ever. Education system of filling up of forms will change as well. Questions wherein one had to fill in the father’s name now will have just the guardian’s name. The sacrament of marriage will become inconsequential as it is made null and void by the court of India.

A relative sent this rather hysterical exerpt to me, apparently its on a blog somewhere.  Yeah I know what bigamy means, and I know this legislation is making people, specially wives insecure.  At the very outset, before I start getting hate mail, let me tell you that my sons and I know exactly what the consequences of “other women” and “other wives” is.  We have seen it up close and personal, and suffered it.

But puhlees consider …. does it make any effin’ difference?  

Sociologists and anthropologists tell us that men are polygamous by nature.  They cant help it.

The reasons for such behaviour are creative to say the least.

Some of them “fall in love” with another woman and cant let go of their wives.  

Some men think that the more women they have slept with, the more “face’ they have.  Its a self esteem thing.  

Some “sexy sirens” are so manipulative that they ensnare the poor dear with their charms.  

Some other “main bechari” types need the dashing man’s protection.  It is chivalry, you see, they have to take care of this poor lonely female.  

Some men think that since they are successful and rich, they “can afford” two or more wives and families.  They also give examples of the kings of yester-years and say, we can afford it.

So people, specially wives, freak on, rave and rant – it isn’t going to make an effin’ difference.  This world will continue to spin on its slightly tilted axis, and never mind if a few families get derailed in the process.

I do not think bigamy per se is evil.  If both the wives know and accept this situation, it is absolutely okay.  The man is legally and morally bound to provide for both the ladies and all his children.  Of course, the man deserves it.

He deserves the freakingly high phone bills

He deserves the living and housing expenses, specially the utility bills

He deserves the college expenses

He deserves to be yelled at by both his wives (preferably simultaneously with stereophonic sound effects)

He deserves the politics that arise out of two women competing to outdo each other

He deserves to sleep on the couch twice as much since both of them have a headache

Most of all, he deserves to have two mother-in-laws.

Anticipatory Retirement Blues

What can I say, here I was, walking the air nicely like the cartoon network character I talk about when I came upon this post and plummetted downwards AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE.  I am totally freaked out – am reminded of ex’s caustic remark when I was home for a long period on maternity leave.  He told me ever so sweetly “Get yourself a job – any job.  Dammit I’ll pay your employer salary to keep you busy”.  All I did was clean his cupboard and give away all his old clothes.  Oh yeah, I also fumigated the entire house, cleaned the kitchen etc etc.  The thing is – I’ve got to keep busy.  I can not sit and do nothing at a stretch.  It makes me bitchy and temperamental.  I also like earning money (who doesnt heh!) and being independent. 

I think that this so-called retirement concept is total bullshit.  A mother never retires and neither does a housewife – and they do more laborious stuff than a normal office worker.  Even actors dont retire, they become Moms and Dads and such like stuff.  So why should we? 

In our culture, age is respected.  Greying hair and daughter in laws/grandchildren give us the aura of wisdom (never mind if we colour our hair and go ahead and blog about boobs and wrestling heh!) I feel that we should be given a chance to work until we are ready to call quits.  Of course I have no retirement plans or funds (I never plan) though I have a vague idea of packing bags and baggage and moving to Punjab or Kasauli or someplace cheaper and more friendly than the NCR.

I have seen how the elderly live in the NCR.  Its a lonely life and its boring.  Get up early, go for a walk, bring milk for the family.  Then go to the temple, spend time there, come back with vegetables from the vendor.  Then sit and read the newspaper, watch television, while away time.  Then its lunch.  After lunch, take a nap, wake up and spend time with grandchildren (if the grandchild is in the mood to spend time with you), then evening walk in the park, come back home.  More television and then sleep.  I guess it would kill me, if retirement did not.  I think life in a smaller town or a village would be better – where life is slow and people are more approachable.

I am not even talking about money – I have this belief that if you are educated, you can look after your own needs.  No one ever could make enough to fulfill the greeds any way – so why get into that.  It is things like the fear of being redundant, being irrelevant and lonely that are scaring me.  For many years, I have been at the helm, both at office and at home and this is a feeling that is new to me.

I would welcome inputs from others reading this blog …… what does one do when your employer thinks that you are old and do not have to work, and your family has grown up and does not need you?  How is one to cope with being sidelined after being on centrestage for such a long time?

IFB – Washing Machine from Hell

How did you spend Dussehra?

I got up and did the laundry …….. manually.  Yes it means that I woke up at seven and was washing clothes till 12 noon.  My laundry list consisted of 5 double bed sheets, 2 double bed covers, 7 towels apart from small itsy bitsy stuff.

About 3 weeks ago my machine went kaput.  I have an AMC for the machine.  So I did not panic and just rang up the call centre.  They were efficient and sent me the complaint number by sms.  I was cool and thought they would come within 48 hours.  After a couple of days I again rang up.  They told me they have no record.  Huh, then how did they sms me a complaint number?  The person had no idea.  So I was given another complaint number and assured that they would attend to the complaint within 24 hours.  Well that did not happen either.  I again rang up and they kept assuring me that this would be attended the very next day.

One interesting thing I noticed was that every call centre guy or woman I talked to had a South Indian accent.  Do they have a North Indian call centre for South Indian complaints?  After much persuasion I was given the cell number of their Manager in Delhi – who never picks up his phone.  Three days ago one of their service engineers rang me up and told me he would be at my residence by 5 p.m.  I believed him – yes I do have blonde bimbette moments.

I am aching all over and looking like death warmed up.  Guess what, I should have taken the IFB service centre, call centre, Area Manager and who-ever else I could bundle up, stood them up instead of Ravan effigies and burnt them down.

This is not the first time this has happened.  My sons are telling me to take them to Consumer Court.  I would much prefer burning the bastards alive.  Needless to say I will never ever buy a fully automatic washing machine from IFB

My O.C.Ds

IHM has tagged me to list five addictions and quirks …. WTF only five?!  Oh well, thank you very much I’ll prune the list.

• I can get lost in conversation – you know start speaking and then shut up, leaving the other person hanging mid-sentence, and then look blankly and ask “Where was I?”.  Drives people insane
• I have to sleep diagonally on my bed.  Sigh!  Dont even ask, I dont know the reason myself.  Cant sleep on a strange bed or be comfortable in a strange room.  I need my own pillow and my own blanket.
• Green chillis and tea – Yeah, my favorite tonics.  I am probably one of the few people who buys half kg green chillis for the week – and consumes them!  The doctors are asking me to cut down on both – the &^%$*  spoil sports
• Am addicted to music channels on TV, need to have them on while I cook.  No music, no food!
• I L.O.V.E. watching WWE, and ECW! Oh and I cheer enthusiastically when RAW or Hell in the Cage and such like tournaments are held.  The more blood and gore, the happier I get.  Such a big adrenalin rush!
• If in a wedding or restaurant I amuse myself by guessing the planetary configurations of each and every person over there just by the way they walk or facial features.  If that gets boring, I script stories around them.

I pass this tag to Tikuli, Manpreet , Freya, Advitiya, and Ravin (someone’s got to get him blogging again!)

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