Case One

“Have one kid, you become a parent. Have two and you become a refree”

Have adult kids … you still want to be a refree, but they will have none of it.

Younger dude has relapsed into teenhood. He has anxiety attacks, feels depressed because he is never going to amount to much, since he isn’t going to be a millionaire. SHEESH! Is this cue for me to feel like a failure because I am not a millionaire?

Kid#1 : Coming up with the only male solution to this : Let’s go have beer.

Kid#2 : Naah, I don’t feel like drinking.

My jaw hit the floor, as I opened the medicine drawer.

Never . In . My . Living . Memory . Has . Anyone . Refused . A . Drink . When . Feeling . Low

This was serious.

Kid#1 : Yeah! (Pushing him) You refusing? Let’s fight then!

Kid#2 : Angrily shrugging him off : Leave me alone!

Kid#1 : Fight me and I will.

Me : Stop it the two of you.

DIL : Let them! Wanna bet my husband will win? MY BABY STRONGEST!

Both of them angrily to us: You stay out of it!

Then they had a go at each other, a really intense one. The furniture and doors are still intact, mercifully. The thermometer I had taken out isn’t.

The depression is over … and they have gone for beer. MENS!!!!!

Case Two

DIL is eating muesli for dinner – she is counting calories.

Me : Eyeing the left over slices of banana : Are you finishing that?

(It would be a perfect guilt free desert)

DIL : Aggressively : Don’t look at that! I am going to finish it.

Me : Backing off : Its okay, just asking.

What’s biting her ass?

Kid#1 : (The Residential Peacekeeper) Why are you being aggressive?

DIL : She started it!

Me : ?????

DIL : Defensively : I am not wasting it.

Me : Sulkily : I only wanted a bite.

DIL : With a sunny relieved smile : Here, take all of it.

WOMENS!!!!!

Case Three

Kid#2 : Poking me in the stomach while I am doing something all important, like playing Empires and Allies on Facebook, while sitting on the bed.

Me : Angrily : Don’t poke me.

Kid#2 : Cheekily : I will

Me : Don’t!

Kid#2 : Poking me again : And what will you do?

Me : Losing it and slapping him hard.

Stunned silence in the room.

And then Kid#2 starts to laugh.

Kid#2 : Jeez Ma, is that the best you can do. That was such a cute slap.

BRATS!!!!

I switch on the TV and get a black screen. There is no snow, no blue and no picture screen. Just a black screen.

Me : Scream! My TV does not have power

Kid#2 : It has power but something is wrong with it. It does not work.

Me : How?

Kid#2 : I dont know, voltage fluctuations must have burnt some part

Me : When did this happen?

Kid#1 : Don’t you know? I think that was Tuesday.

And it is Sunday today …….

Me : Hot damn. I wanted to watch some TV

Kid#2 : No you dont. Anyone who does not need a TV for four days does not need one.

Me : But I wanted to watch news

Kid#2 : Utube hai na

Kid#1 : Vaise bhi, we call your room the honeymoon suite. Solid bed, great airconditioning, no TV, door always locked

Me : ???????? Go pick on someone else, I am going back into my “honeymoon suite”

Damn they should have informed me that the damn TV broke. I could have gotten it repaired over the week!

And I met Shail Mohan of Shail’s Nest. Hence the “Nest” meeting.

I was sitting in office hardly working when a chat window opened out.

“Hi Ritu” popped up. It was Shail Mohan. Now I know Shail Mohan. She is someone who writes fantastic humor and is a big fan of Wodehouse. I like Wodehouse and I like her stories. Of course her poems zonk me out, but then serious poems zonk me out any way so I don’t hold such things against someone so nice as to make me laugh. Hence I replied “Hey Shail, wassup” or some such thing. “Can we meet?” was the question, of course worded ever so politely. The question should have been “When and how do we meet?” I was not going to miss out on meeting a weaver of some of the most profound tales I have read!

It turned out that she was in Ghaziabad. Now Ghaziabad is closer to my home than Trivandrum is. Which meant that if I swung in a chutti, I could meet her. Of course I am lousy with Geography and directions. When I was a kid, I remember writing that Nile flowed through Greece and then pleading with Godji to make Nile change its course. I have also driven to Apno Ghar in U.P. when I meant to go to IG airport at Palam. So I was a wee bit intimidated. I could, like Starship Enterprise, boldly set forth, but where would I reach? Thankfully Kid#2 and Google Maps stepped into the breach. We left nothing to chance. Kid#2 opened Google Maps on my … well, his blackberry and downloaded the app on my phone too. Shipra Mall, a place close to where Shail was staying was the place we rendezvoused. Ruchira of Nirjharini was to meet us there and Abha Midha of Daffodils, who lives in Faridabad was keen to go too. So I picked her up and off we went.

Shipra Mall is amazingly gracious a place. It is a mall, alright, but it has a certain old world charm. It is spacious and leisurely. None of the frantic feel that malls in Delhi, Faridabad and even Gurgaon have. I liked it.

The funny thing is that we were the first to reach even though we lived the furthest from Ghaziabad!

Ruchira was the first to come, and I spotted her far away. She can’t be missed. And then came Shail. The impression I had of Shail was (1) A thinker (2) Shy (3) Easy on the smiles. I got two out of three right. Shail is quiet, soft and easy on the smiles. She definitely is not shy! And she is pint sized

In the picture above we had her standing on a stair to come up next to us. Of course we put her with Ruchira, who is tall

Then we settled down for a leisurely lunch (which we forgot to order) since we had so much to say to each other

The waiter was requested to take the pics, and he willingly obliged. So lets forget/ignore the fact that we did not order and say that the waiter was too busy clicking us to serve us food.

Nothing like some (as Shail puts it) “refined sunflower oil” on a hot summer day

The food at Pind Baluchi was good, the company better. And Shail was sweet enough to get us all books. She gifted me one called “The Male Brain”. It is a fascinating insight into the working of a man’s mind, though I do feel that its unfair to explain away everything that a person does by listing hormones and neurons … but it does simplify male thinking a lot.

Here Abha and I are holding on to our gifts standing right next to that awesome door of Pind Baluchi. Sigh … now I want my front door to be like that, its so ornate … but I digress

And I wanted a photo with the Pind Baluchi Babaji, I always did. This time Kid#2 and I got one clicked

To people who have put up the question on FB … this is the younger one and he has not written a novel. But he writes the most awesome poems, most of which are edgy and serious. They stump me.

Abha wanted to go once we were done with lunch (or that is the impression I got). But my son actually enjoyed the lunch. Makes me think that we are not old biddies after all! And that we are fun and witty. He suggested coffee … and hit off totally with Ruchira, both of them lamenting the fact that they have difficult and bossy older siblings. I kept shut, I was the older sibling Could imagine my brother joining in LOL

We exited Pind Baluchi and landed up at Barista. I did try to get myself a chocolate excess, failing which a slice of apple pie, failing which a cold coffee with lots of cream. Sadly Kid #2 was with me and vetoed all of that, All I got a standard issue cold coffee.

It was a delightful afternoon. I love meeting blogger friends.

I have been good.  I have been so good for the last couple of blog posts that I have started to believe that those were written by a stranger.  I mean I miss the old Ritu.  Why the eff have I become so politically correct?

Am I growing old?

I am all for the kids doing their own thing and letting elderly me relax on my bed with my lap top.  Age and growing feeble is an asset, which should be used properly.  It can be really advantageous.

It makes the kids deal with crisis responsibly

Which is just what they did when a switchboard caught fire upstairs in the night.  They let me sleep happily downstairs while they combated the fire …. the best they could.

Apparently Kid#1 and DIL were just going to bed when there was an electrical fire.

Kid#1 tried to gently fan it away with a towel.

DIL snatched the towel away and stomped it down with all her might.

Kid#2, who woke up due to the commotion, stood blankly watching the fire, half asleep.

The two male dogs also reacted strangely.  The dacshund, Piper was so scared that he needed therapy.  He slept the night in DIL’s bed, clinging to her.

Baron, our german shephard sat watching the commotion dumbly.

Jeannie our female german shephard growled and barked at the fire, trying to scare it away.

DIL came down for her morning cup of milk and told me

“You know there was a fire last night”

Me : Whaaaat?  When, where??

DIL : I put it out.  It was me who ordered both your sons to get the towels.  Even then, they were being so gentle.  I snatched the towel from their hands and stomped the fire away.

Me : My God!

…. and I rushed to see it.

She told me how the dogs reacted … and how the men did.

Females of any species are far more alert and pro-active, even if we snarl and bark at dangers, even if our mode of action is not the ideal one.  Yeah!

But the last line has to be Kid#1′s

Oye!  Stop bragging.  I was the one who turned off the mains!

All said and done … females rock

And another thing …. do you think its time I retire???  I can, you know.  She can take care of my two boys well ….

As long time readers of my blog know, I suffer from foot-in-mouth-itis.  Foot-in-mouthitis can be described as a common affliction of extrovert, irrepressible females of a certain age who end up speaking or doing things without thinking of the consequences.

And one thing that readers of the blog don’t know is that Kid#2 suffers from “Me-want-Me-Grab” syndrome.  And that he thinks that “Ma-ka-maal” equals “Mera-Maal”

It leads to interesting stuff.

Case 1 : I sleepily walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth in the morning.  Pick up tooth brush and grope around for tooth paste.  No tooth paste.  Switch on light and confirm, No effin toothpaste.  I distinctly remember having a tube on the shelf.  Give up and fish out a fresh tube.  Later I investigate and find that Kid#2 has taken it upstairs.  Damn!  Don’t even ask why he did not open the spare stuff cabinet and take out a fresh tube.  He wanted – he took!

Case 2 : “Borrowing” my Ipod and ear-phones.

Case 3 : Sigh … my Blackberry

Enter sad doleful veena sounds here

Folks, not too long ago, I owned a Blackberry.  But then I had Kid#2 some twenty years ago.  Ergo, I now have no Blackberry

And dumbass that I am I did it to myself.

I kept grumbling.  See, the thing is that I wanted full BB services.  I even offered the honchos in command of telecom services for office to pay for them BB services.  They declined for reasons best known to them.  Hence I could not get the darn BB services on my phone (its a corporate connection).

I bitched about it, said “Without those services BB is a piece of shit”

Never ever ever ever say such things in front of your kids, because they are wondering how to use such stuff in their favor.  Purrfectly understandable, as long as you are not the parent!

Especially kids who are glib and excellent at marketing spiel.  Why the shit is he training to be a mechanical engineer I wonder!

Well he discovered that I had a Nokia E66 in my drawer.  He scented blood.  He sales talked me into handing over my BB to him  willingly!!!

I could kill myself!

I still could not see what had happened.

Then he activated my much longed for BB service on the said phone.

He showed me the screen that now looks so smart.

Then he said, “Thanks lady, its been a pleasure doing business with you”

Its then that it hit me!

I’ve been HAD!!!!!!

Gaaah!

If any one told me six years ago that Ishaan would be a writer, I would have concluded that the person was delusional.  If someone told me six months ago that Ishaan would write a book, I would have concluded that the person had a bit too much to drink.  Which is exactly what I thought when Kartikeya came and told me that Ishaan has written a book….

Me : No way, I am the writer around here

Kid#2 : He’s a better writer

Competition reared its ugly head ….

Me : I wanna see. I don’t believe you.

Kid#2 : What don’t you believe

Me : (Getting more Drama Queenie by the minute) Both!  Show me the M/s

Kid#2 : I am his agent, and I have to talk to my client before I can show his manuscript to you.

Me : (Trying very hard to control the urge to kick his braces off his teeth) Dude … you are a mechanical engineer – not a literary agent

Kid#2 : Raising his brow in a superior way

Editor’s note : Ever seen this ad by Birla Sun Life?  Seems to be the story of my kids … sigh!

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Well, I read the manuscript and was blown out of my mind! Its racy, readable and … damn, when did the brat who did not want to finish school, dabbled in a whole lot of crazy things like Tai Kwon Do, Gemmology, Travel, trading of mobile phones, Aviation, Badminton … ever learn how to write like this?

I confess I was a wee bit envious. Heck I am a wee bit envious. My book will come out when my esteemed publishers deem fit, here he is – a published author!

Ishaan thinks I am too patient. He is a man in a hurry. He wrote the book, chewed out his publisher, Prashant Karhade’s head. The editing was done on war footing. So was the art work for the book cover. God bless Prashant. He was so patient and efficient. I realize, Prashant that it was an impossible deadline that Ishaan imposed upon you. But kudos to you man, you pulled it off.

Guys if you want a great publisher who walks every step of the way with you … check out Prashant at APK Publishers. I have found him very approachable. Ishaan swears by him. Thanks mate!

I will write about the launch in the next blog post.

?   The Car that crashed and went for scrap

?    The sons survived and came home unscathed

?   Kid #1 tried so hard but did not get what he wanted …. broke my heart to see him facing such a hard time

?   He discovered talent in something I did not expect.  Am so proud of you – ‘Shine on you crazy diamond’

?   Kid #2 has no vehicle to go to college

?  He discovered resourcefulness!  Good on ya, boy.  I am impressed.  Carry on

? I grew negative, unreasonable and gave my family hell.  Yes I can be such a melodrama queen …. sorry Kid#1, Kid#2 and DIL

? Kid#2 counseled me, he can actually talk sense, I am impressed.  But the most impressive thing was Kid#1′s non-verbal example.  If anything, he should have been the emo person, but he has achieved Zen.  He is so much in control.  He does not preach, but teaches by example.

? I’ve been a brat

? My sons have grown into mature human beings, they make me proud.  Something I have done right in my crazy life!

? Had a fight with “The Shoulder” really bad one.  Thought I would not have him in my life any more.

? Everything worked out for the best.

?  Diabetes

? Lost weight.  Hallelujah and Blow me Down!!!  I actually do have a waist!

?  Finances, sigh!!!!

? We own our house and our cars and manage to live a reasonably good life

? DILs office made her work so hard, we hardly saw her

? She got promoted, Way To Go Girl!!

?  My book was panned by certain book agents

? Sent it to Rupa since I refused to believe it was bad.  Rupa accepted it 

? Unhappiness – mostly self created

? Friends and family that loves me and stands by me

?  Lesson learnt, have faith in self and be more appreciative of the family that stands by me and the friends who love me.

Love you guys a lot

Let us see what 2011 brings

You know what?  When kids grow up, they become adults.  And when boys grow up – they become self absorbed, insensitive, taciturn MEN

(If I could I would enter sad doleful veena music here or even Paul McCartney’s While My Guitar Gently Weeps)

To keep the argument balanced I will add this

You know what? When women reach a certain age they become Drama Queens – totally demanding drama queens!

Phew – that’s a load off my chest

Situation is like this

Elder Son Kid#1 is addicted to the LCD screen.  The fact is that he has at least 800 downloaded movies on a spare hard disk and he is forever downloading more.  He lives on the first floor and I don’t get to see him as often as I want.  Yeah you can argue that if he does not want to come down, I can go up …. but I don’t feel comfortable intruding in his room.  It is too much his and DILs space and I am sensitive about space

DIL is rising up in the pecking order in that damn sweat shop she calls office and she works crazy hours.  I barely meet her.  She leaves before I get out of my room and she comes home when I am asleep.  On weekends she is asleep or out with Kid#1

Kid#2 – to give him credit does spend some time with me – but he has his studies, his friends, his dratted cellphone etc etc.

Damn it!  When kids are small and clingy, we wish they grow up and realize that the umblical cord was cut at birth.  When they grow up and we have all the ME Time that we want, we miss that clingy phase.  May be we forget how to be alone again

Yesterday night, I got the table laid for dinner, sent a message up for the boys to come down for dinner.  Both replied that they were not hungry.

I had two options – Sigh resignedly and eat my damn dinner in solitary splendour and sing this song

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

OR

Throw a tantrum, freak out, be Drama Queen and then eat my dinner with or without them.

Of course I did the latter.  Both boys came down, we had a fight.  They defended themselves, but (here I am unclear just how this happened) pacified me too.  Damn!

I had my dinner, and so did they – together after a long long time  ~~~ okay I exaggerate – after a few days.

Kid#1 : Chotey, leave it!  She has been normal for a while.  She had to find something to fight about.

Kid#2 : She becomes drama queen after every two days

Damn you, you oafs.  I love you and want you to be with me when I get home.  It isn’t fun when you arent around.  Don’t fly away too fast – I am dangerous when left alone. I may cause global floods or tsunami

DIL stop working so damn hard.

Should I do a standard mushy Momma post (which my son you will laugh at) or should I do a Ritu-style post?  Aaargh! Decisions, decisions!!!

Every one that comes into your life comes for a reason, a season or a lifetime as the common proverb goes.  And of course we have this age old saying that “Your son is your enemy from a previous life”. My maternal grandmother said this just as I was cleaning your elder brother’s poop the day I brought him home from the nursing home.  The timing was impeccable, it had every one in splits, even me!  It made sense to me, and if this is true, I think my beloved enemy, the scores have evened out.  What I am trying to say, in my own muddled and inept way, is that “Son I love you”

I remember you as a baby – and for a long time I never saw that you’d grown up.  Yeah, blind as a bat your Mom is!  Thing is that you came into my life when nothing much was working for me.  It was a difficult phase and you were like a balm to my soul.  It is nice to have the whole hearted love and trust of another human being in the middle of all the hate and politics ~ even a baby’s I guess.  So batty me clung on to it.

I must admit that caring for you was quite a job!  Lactose intolerance which led to calcium deficiency and easily fractured bones ensured that.  But you were resourceful.  You would walk off with the arm in cast and bash up all the bullies to settle scores.  The rock hard cast packed a wallop and you were thrilled to be the strongest for a while!  Very enterprising of you,  I must say!  Though it got a bit much for me – and I demanded a season’s discount from your orthopedist.  LOL, I’ll never forget his reaction to that demand.

You keep accusing me of mollycoddling you.  Well I did not, all I did was ensure that you don’t break all your bones, fragile as you were.  Not that you listened to me.  You did as you pleased ~~~, and it is quite the tradition.  None of us did anything that did not suit us, so its okay.

You had lovely baby hair, it was golden brown.  That with your light brown eyes made me kind of sad, or rather wistful.  I’d keep wishing that you were a girl.  Dont get angry, we all thought that it was a waste of a chick!  But you are contrary to the core.  The hair darkened to the dark chestnut, eyes darkened too, and you grew into a tall and handsome young man – quite the lady killer!!!

Son, I like the way you’ve grown up.  People may say that you’re spoilt to the core, people may say anything.  Don’t let it get you down.  You have a loving heart, a wise old soul and are very family oriented.  Those are admirable qualities.  I have heard you say it time and again to friends both male and female “My family comes first”.  Yes, you are growing up alright and we love you right back, me, your Bhai and Bhabi.

Another thing – you can take your punishment in your stride.  You have easily adapted to three wheelers and buses, and have not sulked at all.  That is great.

Just one request today, when you’re turning 20 ~ Darn where does time fly!  You’re twenty today

Yeah just one request ~ learn to drive and stay away from my phone.  I really miss my Iphone – the one whose screen stopped working after you used it!  And the car …..

Just saying

Happy Birthday Kid#2

I watched this delightful Meg Ryan movie

If you’ve seen it, you’ll understand what comes next ……..

Kid#1 and his wife were out shopping in Delhi.  Kid#2 was watching the movie with me.  I was laughing my guts out at the son, a serious FBI officer who comes home to find that the obese matron that he left a couple of years back had transformed into this hot stuff who sunbathes in a bikini, and proudly says she has learnt from her mistakes.  Now she does not have a relationship … she has many boyfriends.  Ohhh Meg Ryan looked delicious saying that!

Me : Oh my, the son’s expression makes me laugh so much, I could pee.

Kid#2 : You know he is so restrained.  If you did anything like that, the guy would not be alive.

Me : Huh!  Can’t a Mom have a life?

Kid#2 : Sure she can.  We never stop you from leading your life!

Me :!!!???? (Darn I never knew I needed Mr. High and Mighty’s permission.  So I just decided to have some fun)

Me : Suppose I bring a boyfriend home?

Kid#2 : You know, I’d bash the daylights out of him!

Me : (Really twisting the knife now) I had Kid#1 when I was 18 and you eight years later.  Now is the time I can live my life.

Kid#2 : With a nonchalant shrug – You had your chance … too bad.  You’re way too old to have boyfriends

Me : So what?!  Some young types love older women .  Or may be I am already dating a nice decent budha

Kid#2 : MUMMMA!!! Behave!

Hyuck Hyuck!  I have a Neanderthal for a younger son!

Torturing my kids really makes my day!  Happy Mother’s Day my darling sons.

Edited to add …………………

My darling Kid#2 is a great poet – apart from being a Neanderthal that is

He wrote me this poem for Mother’s Day

You cradled me when I was little
Even though all I did was whine and piddle
You loved me as I grew up
Even though I shrieked and woke you up

When I was a teen and didn’t hug you
You smiled and said it didn’t bother you
When everything I did was a disaster
Never did your loving hands falter

You never tired of my insanity
Or got angry by my lack of morality
Always you were my lifeline
And my shield when I got out of line

My grades never bothered you
My teenage stupidities didn’t affect you
Your love for me lives on forever and today
So mom, I love you. Happy mothers day!!!

I have entered this post for the Blogadda Mother’s Day Contest