Tag Archives: Insane Family Entertainment

But I am going away Ma!

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For the past almost two years Kid#1 has been one foot in Philllipines and one foot in home sweet home.  To me who has not been out of town for years on end it sounds exciting.

To him who hates Phillipino food, it sucks bigg time.  Apparently they add sugar to all the food.  Every thing tastes sweet, which is a big no no for a true blood Punjabi vampire

Okay – lets ammend that to True Blood Punjabi Carnivore

I almost said “I love you Sookie!” in a gravelly vampire tone, OMG I love that series

So we have one hyper Kid#1 in the home, who wants to eat

1. Aloo Meat

2. Poshto

3. Baghare Baingan

4. Aloo Matar Vadi

5. Atta Halwa

6. Poori Halwa

7. Biriyani

and other things made with love by Mom.  Standard refrain being “But I am going away Ma!”  It is completely immaterial that the trip will hardly last three months!

I am flattered!  I love the fact that my kid misses some stuff that I cook.

What escapes me is that Kid#2 has stopped going to college for the past couple of days “Because Bhai is going away Ma!”

Now that is what I call Chance Pey Dance Marna!

Editor’s note :

Since readers are wanting an update on what DIL is up to ….

Well, DIL is the first one to demand her choice of food … from both her Ma and her MIL, she makes hay – bigg time

As for cooking !

She set rice to cook in the rice cooker last night!

We got some characterless ricey melange today morning – it was not a particularly happy choice for breakfast – we all passed it :lol:

Does anyone know some magic that can be done to overcooked rice?

The X and the Y matters

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I think I really had it easy as a kid.  Was the first daughter after a long ffffffffreaking long run of male children and made much of.

Then I had two sons ….

Even the dogs I had were male …..

The cats I kept did not matter since they know they do not belong to Earth and are here on temporary visa anyway!  So they keep to themselves.

Well the scene sure has changed!

For such a long time in the house I was the only one with a Y chromosome (correction, the only one with a XX chromosome!  Thanks people)

Now I live in the house of estrogen.

Two sons and two dogs are male but they cant keep up with two women and one female dog!

Welcome to hormone nightmares!

I am menopausal and can be totally unreasonable

DIL is queen of drama, so she can out-do menopausal me any time.

So where does this all take us?  Straight into the “Ismey tragedy hai, Ismey no one understands me hai, Ismey I will not listen to logic hai, ismey nobody loves me hai, Ismey you better listen to me hai”

Yeah like I said – Even one of the dogs is female

Two men and two male dogs are no match for

Jeannie the “Oh look at me I am so pretty dog”

DIL the I know I am right even if (in rare cases) I am wrong …. and gawd help you when my PMS flares up

and

ME , the no one loves me appreciates me values me I wanna go back to the galaxy far far away that I belong to.

Pheww !!! This is why protein bars will never work in my home.  Chocolate is the only solution.  I am gonna buy sackfulls, the stock is low!

Weekend crazy language

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My children often complain that I am childish.  I always counter that I am child-like not childish.  I have innocence and simplicity and ……. GAAH I give up !  That sounds over sweet, which I most definitely am NOT!!!

Well, like they say, Growing old is mandatory, growing up is not!  Grown ups do not have any sense of fun, which makes life stressed, full of broken dreams, angst, bills and all the other curses of life on earth.  Tell ya Outer Space is much better.

Seems like none of us siblings grew up – ever.  When we get together, spouses get disgusted, children embarassed – and they try to ignore us – which is so difficult considering the loud guffaws and even louder repartee from our side of the living room!  Poor things, but not our fault!

Yeah some of us got together for a sibling pow wow.  As is the norm with us, sense and maturity flew out of the window and silliness prevailed.  Simply wunnerful

A few drinks down the line, the conversation got stuck on money. Now this can normally be a weep-fest or a whine whine kind of time.   It did start like that

COUSIN 1 : You know college kids are a pain in the butt!  Education, car, clothes, bills ……

COUSIN 2 : (Man after my heart!) Bill is a four letter word.  I love Uma Thurman because she did KILL BILL

ME : Hmmm, well she looked hot doing it too, almost made me Bi …..

COUSIN 1 : Pity “Money” is not a four letter word!

Me : Cash is …….

COUSIN 2 : ( I think booze had hit him by then) So is undy

We exchanged happy grins, since it reminded us of a game we used to play “Substitution” where we replaced one word with another for a day.  Used to drive the parents nuts, imagine calling a pencil “baingan bharta” for one whole day.

ME :  Apna Sapna Undy Undy

COUSIN 1 : Undy hai toh honey hai

COUSIN 2: For a Few Undies More

Me : Boo!  That was dollars not money!

Both cousins : Hey we can subsitute all Rupee Dollar Yen and such like with all undy type words!

Me (sensing a huge opportunity here) Put your undy where your mouth is!

Silence as they digested this one and acknowledged a winner!  I mean I am QUEEN of language aint I???? Smirk Smirk

Both looked at each other and grouped up against me! Dammit they always do that!  Been doing that for more than 40 years!

Both consulting with each other and saying : Sabsey bada UNDY!!!!!

The whole family, some 16 of them gathered around to check out what us old farts were up to …..  Bets were placed in the true tradition of the famiglia and sides taken …

The hourglass was set solemnly between the two warring parties, Them both together, me on my ownsome, drinks replenished  …….. rules set, every underwear synonym could be used and every money synonym too …

Me : Kaccha is the root of all evil

They : Kaccha talks

Me : Undy makes undy

OMG it went on and on!  I never knew money could be so much fun.  We keep getting so serious about the damn thing, mourning about the lack of it, grabbing at it, fighting for it!  Why not play?  Money really ought to be fun ….

We were getting drunk and sillier by the minute …..

Me : Chaddi is Power!  Long live the pink chaddi!!!

Them : Kaccha cant buy happiness, for that buy viagra !!!

Me : OMG! I am sooooo gonna blog about this!

Them : Yeah, like they say Jocks talks

Me : Yes it does!  But I’ll try to keep it “Brief”

People, I was declared the winner and got to eat the last dahi bhalla on the table!  

YAYYYYY

The Breakfast Wars

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Old readers of my blog would know that at home Kid#1 and Moi are the ‘cookers’ and Kid#2 and DIL the ‘eaters’. Works well for us, more since DIL (smart goil) threatens to feed us meals made by her. Mercifully she hasnt made good her threat. Hmm Yeah she made Egg Onion Bake which was okay. She made chicken once and it was HOT. We had to call the fire brigade Phew!!! It was tasty though. 2 dishes in three years – she needs to make one more dish, to make it one dish a year. Must tell her! But I digress

My attitude towards cooking is : Meal is on the table. I am eating. You guys can eat when you want to. I finish my meal and get back to my computer or TV or whatever …..

Kid#1 is harmonal. I am not kidding at all. He freaks out and when he is cooking no one hangs around the kitchen. He is holy terror. Once he has laid the table and put food, you are, at the pain of death, supposed to drop everything and hot-foot to the table, or he will sulk, throw a tantrum and make life unpleasant.

Yesterday I wandered into the kitchen and decided that I would have a sinful breakfast. Yeah I get that mood, and when I get it, I never get to eat anything good, fattening and sinful. Sulk Sulk

I checked the freezer and there were these thick yummy looking hot dogs lying there, and I pulled them out. Kid#1 landed up

Kid#1 : What you doin?

Me : Breakfast time, I want something that takes time digesting. I dont want oatmeal today

Kid#1 ; Snatching the packet out of my hand : Those are not sausages, they are chorizo

Me : Trying to unsuccesfully grab the pack : They look like sausage and I wanna eat it.  I like eating stuff I dont know how to spell

Kid#1 : Shoo! Shoo!  I am doing breakfast

Me : Not liking being shooed out of the kitchen : Okay I’ll make me some chow mein.  Want some ?(while picking up the packet of fresh noodles fm the fridge)

Kid #1 : Snatching that damn thing out of my hand too : This is unhealthy, throw it

Me : This was tantrum time : I LIKE IT.  I wont throw it! (and I huffily stomped into my room)

5 minutes later the most divine smell came from the kitchen.  I landed up there, and seeing that Kid#1 wasnt around I decided to taste a slice of the whatchamacallit sausage look alike.  My bad luck, Kid#1 caught me in the act and freaked out.  He stopped cooking and went up in a huff.

I ate a slice of bread with a glass of milk – told ya about the “wanting to eat sinful stuff and not getting to”.  Kid#2 wisely stayed in his room.  DIL scolded Kid#1 for being harmonal and me for …… being me I guess

I went off to spend quality time with an old female friend.

Today the maid packed some of that scrambled egg with sausage thingy in my lunch.  Dahlins it was delicious.  Well I cant let it go – can I?

Rang up Kid#1

Me : Hey that thing u made for breakfast was yummy

Kid#1 : Its called chorizo and I am not gonna talk about it

Me : The maid packed it in my lunch box – its delicious

Kid#1 : (Coldly) I did not eat it and we shall not talk about it

Me : Your bad luck.  Its not as though you got your chums or are preggers.  I am menopausal and even I dont throw such tantrums.  Tell you, its yummy

Kid#1 : We shall not talk about it, like I said

Me : But we are …..  Its yummy

Silence …………………….

Me : Have I irritated you enough

Kid#1 : Wish you were my age and I could curse you

Me : You wanna use the F word?

Kid #1 : Phone disconnected

Man!  Sometimes having kids to torture is such fun!!!!

Talking Long Distance ……

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Actually not long distance as far as distance went. Kid#1 was comfortably esconced on the sofa with his feet on the centre table. DIL was lying down Diva-like on the couch

Kid#2 and Moi were sitting on the other sofa, he was trying to read Tehelka with me trying to read what he was reading ……

DIL : Babe did you call the window wala

Kid#1: No I did not

DIL: (The voice was freezing here) You know the bathroom window has been broken for the last two weeks. Why did you not do it?

Kid#1: Voice rising in defense: I told you I am busy …..

Me: Abandoning the Tehelka and looking at them. This Tehelka was better than Mayawati

Kid#2: Stuffing nose deeper in Tehelka since he is not yet out of the dog house for what he did to the Xing.

Silence for something like 2 whole minutes ……….. Angry looks being exchanged

…… Yummy ………..

DIL: Kid#2 ask your incompetent brother to give me MY almairah keys. I forgot my set at office today

Kid#2 : Doing a good imitation of a deaf mute

Kid#1: Kid#2 tell your arrogant sister in law that I will not give her the keys to MY almairah. She can go to office and get hers

Kid#2: You both can hear each other, leave me out of this

DIL : Mom tell that jackassy son of yours

Me : Picking up a pillow and hiding behind it : Leave me out of it. I dont participate in spousal fights. I only watch them for entertainment.

Both of them: Oh you are hopeless

They look at each other and start laughing. She gets the key bunch and he promises to get a glass man for the window

Both Kid#2 and I look at them shocked. Whaddumean? Was that all???? We want more entertainment

Shucks!!!

Motherhood is not for wimps

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Here I am looking for tiny print … the teeniest tiniest one in which I shall proclaim

“and I am one!”

The entire saga began in February ….. what the hell! It actually began when the boys were born, but that is another story – a long one, but not in context right now – at least I think so!

1. I asked Kid#2 when the insurance of the car he runs errands in (that is the official reason for his car – unofficially it is to impress girls) expires and he said three months later

2. I have dumb blonde moments, so I believed him

3. He goes and gets an accident which involves a broken windscreen, various damage to car etc. Mercifully the cops did not come knocking my front door, because Kid#2 fled the scene of the crime and the other guy was too busy being shocked at the damage to his car.

4. What do you know, insurance expired in February. I could cheerfully commit murder (What do they call it when you murder grown up sons? Son-i-cide I think!)

5. Kid#1 and Kid#2 offer to take cuts on their allowances, to help me pay for the car repair. I feel guilty – it feels like taking 50 p coins from their gullak. I snap nastily and rave and rant.

6. Entire lot of us in a sulk, not talking to each other

7. DIL comes home and gets update from both the boys. I am not talking to anyone …..

8. She ends up screaming at all of us. Kid#2 for being a jackass, Kid #1 because he is married to her, me because I snapped. Feeling that she has done her duty towards the family, she sits down to watch cable.

9. Every one serves themselves dinner and rushes off to eat in their rooms

10. Meanwhile I still have a humungous car repair bill to pay, not to mention expense of getting another car insurance …

Sigh!!!! MOTHERHOOD IS NOT FOR WIMPS

The concept of reincarnation made simple

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I love fantasy thrillers.  I believe, Nah! am totally convinced, that THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE to borrow a phrase from Fox Mulder.  So it made perfect sense to me to bring up the kids to have more than a passing knowledge of the parallel universe.

I kid you not!  My kids knew what caused the eclipses.

Rahu and Ketu caught up with Sun and Moon and swallowed them whole.

The schools were completely misguided!!! Stupid people they were, they tried to feed us bullhshit!

Thunderstorm meant that Shiva was dancing the tandava.

Varun had flatulence, hence the summer loo.  I know, but could not resist that one
:lol:

We discuss Isaac Asimov’s world and Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Darkover with the intensity people reserve for India Pakistan politics or the economic condition of U.S.

I am not joking.  We even trace the elliptical wobble of Darkover caused by its three moons and discuss why the sun is bloody coloured.  We have indepth knowledge of planets (when the kids were young, we spent hours on the roof in summer studying them with binoculars and comparing them with the zodiac signs).

DIL does not understand or try to ….. sigh!

We have great indepth knowledge about werewolves, vampires, animals that talk, e.s.p. , warlocks and witches ….. (I am one!)
:P

I did not know I was creating tradition or it was a heritage thing ……..

Last night I was watching THRILLER!  This is my tribute to M.J.  I watch his videos to destress now …. poor chap!

KID #1 : Again?!  Mom get a life!

ME : I have one, and right now it is M.J. centric

DIL : Ewww, why Thriller!  I hate those zombie thingys

All three of us shocked speechless at such blasphemy!!

KID #1 : She did not like Queen of the Damned!  She left the movie hall!

DIL :  I dont like X Men too!

Me :  Completely stunned and spluttering : #$%&$#!!!!!!!!!

They walk out arguing the merits of watching these movies and the last I hear is DIL complaining that adamantium claws are not aesthetic!

Kid#2 : Ma, do you believe in vampires?

Me : Yup!  I believe in werewolves and centaurs and unicorns and ….

Kid#2 : Yeah, I do too.  I believe all these creatures are mutants, poor chaps

Me : I believe in reincarnation too.  Only I can’t explain how the memories get stored and get into the next body.  My logic kinda fails me  …..

Kid #2 : Dammit Ma, you’re dumb.  Its so simple.  Memories in computers are stored in the hard disk right?

Me : Ya

Kid#2 : The soul or the central energy system of the body stores the memories.  When the new body comes, its a simple case of rebooting and bingo the memories are there.

Me : Pushing the concept further : Yeah, and if the memories do not get rebooted, the system is incompatible.  I get it.  Its a simple case of Windows and Mac right?

Kid#2 : Pleased that I got it : Yeah!

There you are folks! Reincarnation made simple by the Phoenix Folk!

Hip and Happenin Oldies

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I think I am a diehard traditionalist, set in my ways …. at least in some habits ……

I have memories of waking up to the sound of the cooker’s whistle drowning down the Vividh Bharati

Sounds of the song “Aaj Kal Tere Mere Pyaar Ke Charchey Har Zubaan Par”

K. L. Sehgal, Manna Dey, Kishore …………..

I loved Asha Bhonsle

Hated Lata Aunty’s voice, found it too shrill

See I was an opinionated brat and was proud of being one!

I have kept up the traditions ….

I exercise to music channels playing Aa chance par dance karley and the likes

Nothing like doing your stretches to music channels playing dhin chak Hindi music

I am quite a square

A whisky swigging trash talking zany woman, but a square nevertheless

I met a cousin yesterday and we decided to spend some quality time catching up

We stopped at a pub and had a few drinks and were discussing life in general and stuff like that

I hear a cellphone ring.  The ring tone was “Hey Saala” from Rang De Basanti

I looked around ….

Never thought it was my cousin, dammit he is old hanh!  I can clearly remember him turning his nose up at cellphones and telling me he would never allow his school going kids to keep them

He hated MP3 players and Ipods since kids turned into zombies after plugging on the earphones

He took that cellphone out of his pocket and dealt with the call

I gulped down my drink in an effort to control my jaw that nearly dropped on the floor

HEY SAALA!!!

Dudes, what’s with the world these days????

Me : Ummm Bhai, did the kids put that ring tone on your mobile?

Bhai : No I did, I like the song

Me : Downing a handful of moongphali chaat to control my suprise : You did?

Bhai : Proudly: Yeah I have an entire collection of them and change them often.  Your Bhabhi is boring, she only keeps Sharukh songs as ring tones.  I keep updating hers too.  My Ipod has a huge collection

Dammit, I dont know how to add music to my Ipod!!!

Just at that moment my phone rings a staid Tring Tring

Bhai : Oh this is boring.  Let me change your ring tone for you

Me : Hanging on to my cellphone and shreds of my dignity : No, I prefer a plain ringtone.

Dammit, I’ll remain a small townie and traditionalist.  I am taking a stand.  My phone will continue to have a plain and simplistic ring.

Mumtaz+Rajesh Khanna movie anyone?

My kid entered his twenties, HALP

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Kid 2 has finished his 19 years on earth.  How does a Mom feel when her baby kid turns into a full fledged adult?

I’ll tell you, I feel old.  It is crazy, freakingly crazy.  I can announce with aplomb on the www when I turn 50 and not feel old.  The sight of my full grown kids, healthy skinned full of youth and joie de vivre makes me feel like a shrivelled up mango.

The fact is that I am old, my elder one is married to a woman whose bust doesnt go south even when she does not wear underwires, (I hate that!), and my younger one has just bid goodbye to his teens yesterday.

Now excuse me while I go and bang my head against the wall!

Even the oldest dog in my house is just two years old.

This home is youth centric and I am the old woman.  I cant borrow young from the kids any more, they’ve become adults.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KID #2

Kid 2 : Mom, how old are you

Me : (nose firmly in laptop’s monitor) Smile vaguely

Kid 2 : (Critically appraising me) You look old

Me : Hmm Yeah!  I am old, infirm and in my dotage

Kid 2 : Talk English, not Literature

Me: I am old and weak and need to be looked after.  Get me a glass of water

Kid 2: What do I get for my birthday?

Editor’s Note : How about a dose of manners and common sense?  One can kiss any gift goodbye when one is so tactless.  He sure has inherited my foot- in- mouthitis.

Yesterday we four went and dined, while I did my customary hyperventilating act at the bill.  It was frickin HUGE.  Humaarey zamaaney mein bills were decent!  The kids were blase and ignored the demented mother.

Today we have a party and (you guessed right) the home will be deluged with more young adults.

I need to find a bhajan mandali of 50 plusers to find my space.  But for that I need to learn what bhajan mandalis do.

I cant abide Kittys and kittens, so that is out for me.

Can someone give me a suggestion what a 50 plus woman can do to combat this onset of the elderly feeling due to her kids growing up?

If you have any, I am willing to listen ……

Meanwhile, I am stopping at the DVD shop and getting movies starring Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson and drooling over them this weekend to help combat this toxic feeling.


Family that eats together …. chews each other up

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The only time the Phoenix family has with each other is at the dining table at night. 

Normally there are two boys each equipped with a PSP playing some intense game and totally incommunicado because they have head phones attached to their heads.  I swear I am so used to saying absolutely insulting things about them to their face and getting away with it – if they retaliate, I’ll faint with shock!

DIL and I have laptops open in front of us and we are either surfing the net or doing something else. 

Yeah there is some dinner ….. and it is normally eaten while we are busy doing other things, i.e. unless I have cooked something sinfully fatteining or exotic.

Tonight was sandwiches and salad, since I had deadlines.

DIL had some major office drawings to do and wanted to eat anything that was boring since (said in OMG I am about to die tones) I have work Mom and my boss will kill me!!!  I dont want to fall asleep right after dinner!

The boys had already eaten pizza so they could not have cared less!

DIL : Babe my autocad has gotten corrupt

Kid#1: Baby what would you do without me?

DIL: (In the I have to humour him tone) Babe tabhi tere se shaadi kee na!!!

Kid#1 (Preen Preen)

Kid#2:  Yeah I know! Bhai can we start the game soon please?!

DIL : (The tone was pure distilled menace) You know you guys would have married each other if you werent brothers!

Kid #1 : Tactful smile : No baby

Kid #2 : Eewwwww!

Me : Another sandwich any one?

Total ignore from the family

Sensing a golden opportunity I quietly went to the kitchen and sliced a mango and opened a can of condensed milk.  I thought they could eat each other while I quietly had an awesome desert.

Just as I was pouring the condensed milk into the bowl, I looked up!  The whole damn brat brigade was standing and watching me accusingly.

Sigh!  There went my desert!  I did not even get one spoon!

Nah that is exaggeration.  I was rationed …. yes rationed 2 spoonfuls.