Adventure at Fifty Plus

My timing sucks!  That I have known for a long long time.  I married and became a mother when girls my age were dating, studying and building a career.  That is another matter that I did all that too … after getting married and having Kid#1.

As you grow older, you stop having adventures.  May be it is because you get wiser and stop trying to break walls, and burn bridges.  At a certain age adventure means eating butter chicken and butter naan for dinner and (wonders of wonders) having a good night’s sleep!!!  Or that you sat in a car that your younger son was driving without wearing a seat belt and did not back seat drive.

Well, apparently Godji has a wicked wicked sense of humor when it comes to me.  Yesterday I had a grand adventure.  I was in office having a routine Monday.  During the course of the day, I went chasing a file.  My cabin is on the first floor and I took the lift to the ground floor.  The damn lift got stuck.

I suffer from claustrophobia and vertigo …. and my son is a pilot.  Godji and his weird sense of humor!

Well, to say I freaked would be an understatement.  The admin housekeeper prized the lift door open at the first floor and dangled an arm in, thinking he could pull me up.  Hellooo!  I am a plus sized Punjaban.  The only thing he could have pulled up was my arm from its socket!  Naturally I screamed expletives I refused as politely as I could under the circumstances.

Somehow they activated the emergency mechanism and the lift went to the ground floor.  I tumbled out, sat on the sofa in the reception and drank gallons of water.  Then I hauled me up and walked up the stairs to my cabin.

On the way I saw the housekeeper and his minions tying ropes to a cane armchair which they were planning to lower into the lift to airlift me.  G.R.O.A.N.  !!!!

I gave up any semblance of doing work and came home.

Once home, I told my first born, the tender fruit of my womb, the boy I birthed and nurtured, even breastfed, the horrors that had befallen me.

Well, he laughed until tears fell.

Kid#1  (on his mobile to Kid#2) : Oye come downstairs, Mom is home, you gotta hear her story!

Kid#2 : Down in my room in a jiffy : Tell tell!!

So I repeated my sorry tale to the apple of my eye, my baby …

Kid#2 : ROFL, was the rope strong enough, did you check?  And who would haul you?  They’d need some pehelwaans.

Me : Go away guys, I better sleep this off!

Both : Bet she will start taking the stairs, after all its only one floor!

Humph!

War Time at Phoenix House

You know what?  When kids grow up, they become adults.  And when boys grow up – they become self absorbed, insensitive, taciturn MEN

(If I could I would enter sad doleful veena music here or even Paul McCartney’s While My Guitar Gently Weeps)

To keep the argument balanced I will add this

You know what? When women reach a certain age they become Drama Queens – totally demanding drama queens!

Phew – that’s a load off my chest

Situation is like this

Elder Son Kid#1 is addicted to the LCD screen.  The fact is that he has at least 800 downloaded movies on a spare hard disk and he is forever downloading more.  He lives on the first floor and I don’t get to see him as often as I want.  Yeah you can argue that if he does not want to come down, I can go up …. but I don’t feel comfortable intruding in his room.  It is too much his and DILs space and I am sensitive about space

DIL is rising up in the pecking order in that damn sweat shop she calls office and she works crazy hours.  I barely meet her.  She leaves before I get out of my room and she comes home when I am asleep.  On weekends she is asleep or out with Kid#1

Kid#2 – to give him credit does spend some time with me – but he has his studies, his friends, his dratted cellphone etc etc.

Damn it!  When kids are small and clingy, we wish they grow up and realize that the umblical cord was cut at birth.  When they grow up and we have all the ME Time that we want, we miss that clingy phase.  May be we forget how to be alone again

Yesterday night, I got the table laid for dinner, sent a message up for the boys to come down for dinner.  Both replied that they were not hungry.

I had two options – Sigh resignedly and eat my damn dinner in solitary splendour and sing this song

OR

Throw a tantrum, freak out, be Drama Queen and then eat my dinner with or without them.

Of course I did the latter.  Both boys came down, we had a fight.  They defended themselves, but (here I am unclear just how this happened) pacified me too.  Damn!

I had my dinner, and so did they – together after a long long time  ~~~ okay I exaggerate – after a few days.

Kid#1 : Chotey, leave it!  She has been normal for a while.  She had to find something to fight about.

Kid#2 : She becomes drama queen after every two days

Damn you, you oafs.  I love you and want you to be with me when I get home.  It isn’t fun when you arent around.  Don’t fly away too fast – I am dangerous when left alone. I may cause global floods or tsunami

DIL stop working so damn hard.

Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi

What Ginger Chai has given me is priceless … its given me friends in the blogging world, people one interacts closely with every time there is a team submission. The blogging world is young, its vibrant and fun filled. Of course there are ancient relics like me 18 till I die types like me, and we enjoy this youthful bonhomie.  One of my team mates, Bikram is getting married this week.  :D

When I started ribbing him, he extended a warm invite … lots of booze and kebabs for shaadi celebrations.  He knows the way to this punjaban’s heart!  Thanks Bikky – sadly since you live in U.K. and I in India, I’ll take a rain check on it.  When I come to visit the Queen, we shall spend one evening eating chicken tikka and kebabs and washing it down with booze.

Gift to banta hai na!  After all he is getting married.  So this is for you Bikram, links from the Phoenix House to crazy weddings held in the family

My elder son’s wedding Part 1

My elder son’s wedding Part II

My elder son’s wedding Part III

My elder son’s wedding Part IV

The video, 26 kisses and a fall

and of course My wedding tamasha

No!  You are not allowed to withdraw the invitation after reading our escapades.  We promise not to get into mischief (not much at least) when we do come to U.K. and meet you in person.

Enjoy!

Moms and their love lives

I watched this delightful Meg Ryan movie

If you’ve seen it, you’ll understand what comes next ……..

Kid#1 and his wife were out shopping in Delhi.  Kid#2 was watching the movie with me.  I was laughing my guts out at the son, a serious FBI officer who comes home to find that the obese matron that he left a couple of years back had transformed into this hot stuff who sunbathes in a bikini, and proudly says she has learnt from her mistakes.  Now she does not have a relationship … she has many boyfriends.  Ohhh Meg Ryan looked delicious saying that!

Me : Oh my, the son’s expression makes me laugh so much, I could pee.

Kid#2 : You know he is so restrained.  If you did anything like that, the guy would not be alive.

Me : Huh!  Can’t a Mom have a life?

Kid#2 : Sure she can.  We never stop you from leading your life!

Me :!!!???? (Darn I never knew I needed Mr. High and Mighty’s permission.  So I just decided to have some fun)

Me : Suppose I bring a boyfriend home?

Kid#2 : You know, I’d bash the daylights out of him!

Me : (Really twisting the knife now) I had Kid#1 when I was 18 and you eight years later.  Now is the time I can live my life.

Kid#2 : With a nonchalant shrug – You had your chance … too bad.  You’re way too old to have boyfriends

Me : So what?!  Some young types love older women :D .  Or may be I am already dating a nice decent budha ;)

Kid#2 : MUMMMA!!! Behave!

Hyuck Hyuck!  I have a Neanderthal for a younger son!

Torturing my kids really makes my day!  Happy Mother’s Day my darling sons.

Edited to add …………………

My darling Kid#2 is a great poet – apart from being a Neanderthal that is ;)

He wrote me this poem for Mother’s Day

You cradled me when I was little
Even though all I did was whine and piddle
You loved me as I grew up
Even though I shrieked and woke you up

When I was a teen and didn’t hug you
You smiled and said it didn’t bother you
When everything I did was a disaster
Never did your loving hands falter

You never tired of my insanity
Or got angry by my lack of morality
Always you were my lifeline
And my shield when I got out of line

My grades never bothered you
My teenage stupidities didn’t affect you
Your love for me lives on forever and today
So mom, I love you. Happy mothers day!!!

I have entered this post for the Blogadda Mother’s Day Contest

Update and Thanks

This is the first post I am doing after my sons met with an accident that could have been nasty. I or rather “We” are overwhelmed by the outpouring of concern from the blog world. Thanks a lot people for all the love and concern …. I have told the boys they did not earn it and should consider themselves blessed to have it.

Now we are okay …. and I would like to share with you some of the craziness that happened …… you can’t visit The Phoenix and leave without a smile can you?

4 a.m. on the day of the accident …..

Kid#1 (Bursting into the room shivering) Mom there has been a slight accident

Me (Being a typical Mother India) Show me Kid#2, I wont believe you until I see Kid#2

Kid#2 comes in with reinforcements … friends that had been called to the accident site for help. Kid#2 is looking white as sheet, friend is talking 19 to a dozen explaining how the car just got a minor scratch as it grazed a tree.

I let it pass ….

Other friends troop in – and suspicion builds – I mean these are late teen and twenty something men – who love to sleep at early hours. However I get into the tea and breakfast routine with ears tuned to the conversation.

Kid#1 to Kid#2 : Dude !!!!! I’ll talk to you later

Me: Why aren’t you drinking your tea. Why are you trembling

Kid#1 : Ma he walked out of the car, peed on the roadside and came back and passed out!

Kid#2 : Bhai you were driving the car, I was not!

Kid#1 : Blank stare, drops tea cup since he is all shook up!

Friend 1 : Aunty, the doctor says he is fine – see here is the CT & MR reports …

Friend 2 walks in half an hour later – they have a hushed conference and then they tell me that the cops have impounded the car. I start getting the feeling that a lot will be spilt later …

(Enter Pink Panther Music)

The next day we get the car home and I go ballistic …. for the whole week. The car is a wreck, and his phone is lost. (It was in the car). The TV in his room is confiscated. His lap top was giving problems so I took it away and sent it for repairs. I have yet to decide whether to give it back to him.

Yesterday the doctor said they are both fine. So I read Kid#2 the riot act!

Kid#2 : Ma I am sorry but I dont remember

Me : Humph! Of course you dont! It is not in your interest to remember!

Then I decide to play the Main Bechari act!

Me : How dare you screw up my retirement. I put my life on hold for you to grow up so that I can start living it up. You better not screw this up. And you better not pile up more expenses on me! I have two sons and they are my assets. You better not spoil the damn count!

Kid#2 : Mumble Mumble

Me : Speak clearly

Kid#2 : Last week I had a car, a t.v. in my room, a mobile phone and a lap top. Today I have nothing. Its my asset count that has been spoilt!

Me : !!! ????

My new toy

I am a gizmo freak and well if the gizmo keeps me logged on to the net all the time, even when there are horrendous power cuts, it is just the thing for me.  For years (actually ever since I got to know about this darling thing) I have been longing for an Iphone.

Sigh!

And what do you know! I finally got it

Thank you Kid#1
Thank you The Secret
Thank you Universe
Thank you Shah Rukh Khan

and

Last but not least : Thank you Vin Diesel (Since I was thanking every one else … )

Flash back to a month back

Kid#1 : Hello Mom, what do you want from Philippines

Me : Nothing beta, yahan sab kuch milta hai

Kid#1 : Are you serious?  Look dont ask for booze and dont ask for a male Philipino.  Ab what do you want?

Me : Sigh, kuch bhi nahin.  Just come back qualified, hale and hearty

( I could have asked for sex toys, could have asked for ~ darn he said no to booze!  I could have asked for ~~~ You get the picture)

Kid#1 :  Who are you and what have you done to my Mom!

Me : LOL!  Yeah I was trying to be sensible and noble

Kid#1 : Aint working

Me : Dont waste too much money!  Yeah get me an MP3 player

Kid#1 : You want an Iphone

Me : Nobility gayi tel lene!  How much does it cost?

Kid#1 : LOL! Lemme check!

He got a slightly used one at half the price of a new Iphone.  We got it customized for India, and that took about a week!

Oh wow!  I am over the moon!  I can take pics and post em on my blog.  I can pester the kids to pose for me forever, photograph the dogs and even our fishes!  I have an Iphone.

I have put twitter and facebook on the phone.  Folks I am taking my net addiction to a new level.

Like Shah Rukh Khan said in his speech in Om Shanti Om

Raaz : Iss Janam Ka

I’ve been watching Raaz Pichley Janam Ka with great interest.  Anything to do with deep seated memories, fast forward to future or a trip to the past simply fascinates me.  Sci Fi, extra terrestrial life forms, fantasy, occult are stuff right up my alley.  I normally avoid the television and the serials completely.  They piss me off.  This does not.

Me being me ~ how could I just be content with watching.  Like I said once while discussing blue flicks, spectator sports simply do not interest me.

So I decided to hunt out some one who could do P.L.R. for me.

Me : I want to get my past life regression done

DIL : Oh for godssake Mom!  Why?

Kid #2 : So do I!  Suppose I was a King or a mad Scientist it would be fun.  I’d know where I hid the money and could recover it or I would know some fantastic things I had invented.

Me :  Heyy this is about me!

DIL : Why is this family so insane?

Me :  Dunno babe ~~~ You decided to get hitched into this family, so it follows that you are insane

Well after the customary argument, I set off to get my PLT done.

The therapist I picked up played a spoil sport

Therapist :  Any phobias?

Me : None

Therapist : Any deep seated issues ~~~

Me : Well I had an awful relationship with my mother

Therapist : And

Me : She’s dead now ~~~

Therapist : And

Me : Thinking deeply : Well I guess I dont wanna meet her again in any life

(gwarsh!  This sounded lame ; even to me)

Therapist : You know you need a question that you need answered or an issue you need resolved – so first figure them out before you venture into such a journey.  It costs a lot.

Me : So?

Therapist : I guess you first resolve issues in your present life

Me : Mucho dissappointed

So I guess I need to introspect – actually single out issues that need resolution – in the pichla janam to go for a trip

I was talking to Kid#1 on the phone, actually complaining that the darn therapist actually stalled me!

Kid #1 : Huh!  If you wanted to go on a tour of Europe, Go visit Egypt or Greece I could understand!  This is weird

Sigh!!!  Yeah!  Guess I am weird- but I so wanna!

My kids talk to me …. Halp!!!!

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You know what I hate about new age parenting?  The fact that there are so many rules that are diametrically opposed to how we were brought up!

Humarey Zamaaney Mein : Part One

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

Aaj Kal : We hear of the new fangled thing called child abuse

Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two

Children are simply to be seen, not heard

Aaj Kal : Parenting is all about keeping the communication lines open all the time.  Psychologists tell us it is good and rewarding.  We are to listen to our kids  attentively, participate in their lives

WELL!

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT IS DARN INCONVENIENT!

What about the many years of “our lives” that we put on hold when they were kids and ran after them, picked after them and cooked stuff they wanted to eat?

What about how much the middle aged body and mind can take?

Picture this :

You put a load of laundry in the washing machine, brew a nice cup of tea and pick up the newspaper and settle into your warm quilt.  It is a utopia moment …..

Kid#2 : Mom, is Bhabhi around

Me : No, I guess she is upstairs

Kid#2 : Well, I was thinking yada yada yada

Me : Looking at the newspaper regretfully and trying to mentally console myself with a never mind, knowing said newspaper is going to go unread into kabadi ……. or I will have to wake up late in the night to read old news without the supplements and comics that I love – which the kids have already taken into their own rooms or to college/work

Sigh!

Or this scenario

Me, hastily cooking and laying the table, thinking of going online asap once dinner is over

Well the Kid has had a tiff with girl friend and wants to do detailed self analysis with all the “I have feelings of inadequacy and no one understands me” emotions of teenage with angst galore

or Scenario No. 2

DIL has to tell me all about quirks of her co-workers that she finds annoying.  I send an email and get chided because “You are not listening properly”.  So I settle down to “listen properly”, and after 5 minutes add my comment to what she said about a co-worker.

She stops me with a “Dont take it the wrong way, but I dont want you to say anything – not that I dont value your inputs”.

Me : You mean you want to be heard with no comments?  So you better talk to a wall then!?!????

She : I am not saying you cant comment

Me : But you prefer that I dont

She : I didnt mean that ~~~~

Me : But I thought that’s what you meant

She : MOMMMMMM You dont listen properly

And she stomps off hufffily

I give up on the emails totally confused.  Besides my middle aged body is tired and needs its rest ……….

I prefered the olden days

Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two

Children are simply to be seen, not heard

Make that young adults too

Karva Chowth at Phoenix House

I am very ambivalent about karva chowth and I wrote a post last year stating my reasons which readers found hilarious.  Well I am like that anyways …. :lol:

My kids want to celebrate each and every festival with gusto, even the all female ones like karva chowth. I would doll up, do the mehendi, new dress and bangles and trinkets thingy, and then we would eat drink and be merry.  Now I have happily handed over baton to DIL

I’ve told DIL she has the option to do away with the fast if she wishes. Its cool with us …

Flashback two days ago ………………………..

Kid#2 : Mom are you gonna get mehendi and stuff done?

Me : Reclining on my bed with laptop : Nah, I have done away with peripherals

Kid#2 : Why????

Me ; Astonished at such a strong reaction : I never keep the fast anyway, and am not in the mood for dolling up

Kid#2 : Launching full blown drama : You never do anything, you are not fun anymore, festivals dont feel like festivals when Bhai isnt around ………………….

Me : ??????!!!!!!!???????

Then Godji sent inspiration (Thank you Godji Phewww!)

Me : Beta Bhabhi will do all that, its her time

DIL came home dancing : See my new suit that I bought for Karva Chowth! Isnt it pretty? Kid#2 you better be home on Karva Chowth eve since you gotta take me to get mehendi done

Kid#2 : Looking much happier : Jee Bhabhi, do you also want to go to the parlour? I am so glad someone is celebrating! (The last said snidely)

DIL : After consideration : Nah parlour will be too full, besides I’ll be working full day

Me : Heaving a quiet sigh of relief : Beta, tell me what you wanna eat for sargi, I’ll cook that.

Both of them seriously discussing possible options for the early morning sargi

I never knew handing over all the stuff was so liberating!!!!

She can do the mehendi and dress and fast if she so desires!

I AM OUT OF IT!!!!

 

We had sargi together at 5 a.m. which I cooked early in the morning.  Kid#2′s craving for some festival celebration got satisfied, DIL and I left for work!  I think I narrowly escaped the dog house!!!

Halp! My words come and bite me in the ….

My elder son has gone and I already feel the absence!

Yeah I know he’s just a phone call away …..   I also know that I have told him in all sorts of ways that he can leave and settle down anyplace in the world and its okay with me!  In fact I have told this to both the kids.  No I am not being a bitch – but I truly believe that parents have been successful if their kids learn to be completely self reliant.  I am not above throwing  a tantrum and telling them to get the F out of here, when I am being completely and unreasonably menopausal!

But see, I am on my knees apologising – that too publicly on my blog

Flashback to yesterday …..

I get home by 6 p.m. to find the maids in a tizzy.  Apparently the door that opens into the first floor of our home mysteriously got locked.  We have a fully functional apartment kind of set up on the first floor with two bedrooms, one living room, balcony etc.  The maids said they did not lock the dratted door.  The dogs cannot do it, and neither can the fishes.  We are the first occupants of this villa, so no irate ghost could be playing games…..

WELL

I cursed the damn maids, the damn door, the damn dogs etc and tried to open the door.  I tried about 2 dozen ( I am not exaggerating) 2 dozen keys, but could not open it.

Rang up Kid 2 who refused to pick up his effin cell!

Rang up Kid 1 in Phillipines in desperation!  He found things amusing (Damn Him).  Most likely he was thanking his stars that he is in Philly and does not have to be Alpha Male and set things right at home!

I got our resident electrician to climb the roof, jump into the balcony (it requires athletic prowess) and open the door.  Phew!  Once the door was unlocked I felt relieved.  The maids got busy with their cleaning and I wandered to the loo

Whadduknow!!!!!  The effin loo was locked! 

How does the same shit happen twice in the same day????

Got out that huge box of keys GROAN!  Started trying each and every one of ‘em again DOUBLE GROAN  Made a mental note to separate the darn keys into bunches that made sense

Kid 1 rang up to ask “Did the upstairs get unlocked” and went hysterical when told about my loo

“Use the other loo Mom”

Me : “No thanks Kiddo!  I like to use my own loo”

Kid 2 still wasnt picking up the phone

DIL rang up – heard my predicament and was properly sympathetic (at first)

The lock magically opened – one key actually fit!  WOW!

DIL rang up again, got the update and then said in a sweetly bitchy tone :

“You keep telling us to go away and you wanna live alone dont you?!  See this is what will happen to you old woman!”

Ouch!  I hate eating crow!

Kid 1 I am sorry!  Dont mean half of what I say anyways.  So stop laughing and feeling smug.  Kid 2, if you dont pick up the phone, your cell will be confiscated, and DIL, I hate it when you are right, especially when you are at your bitchiest best and right!

Gaaah!