Sometimes I just hate the younger generation, they are so damn tech savvy. I decided to make a book trailer for my book A Bowlful of Butterflies. I went and downloaded the software, made the trailer, and was pretty pleased with myself. I thought it was slick and I thought I was pretty smart.

But then such pride commeth before a fall, as the Bible warns us.

Ishaan had been watching me closely. He decided to make his own book trailers. So he comes to me and says, “Ma, I want your software.”

I was like … Okay I’ll give it to you, but I let it slide. Knowing how much of a procrastinator I can be, he came with a usb, took the software and put it on his computer. He played around with it, and became so darn proficient. Sigh!!

I hate that. I was the pioneer of the Lalit household dammit, I researched, asked around and got the software – and he!!! He makes my trailer look so damn tacky! Not fair, I tell ya!

His next book is Sci Fi again. He loves the genre. Its a pretty interesting concept. Suppose there are six earths … parallel dimensions. They all have the same geography … and are peopled by humans. Suppose there was a master race and it had devices that enabled people to travel into these earths just like stepping into another room or something ….

Suppose ….

I tell you, the boy has a crazy over active brain

Watch the trailer for yourself and decide …

<iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/w5ks3TvR-mI” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>

Oh …. Hexagon has a page of its own on Facebook. Do visit and like it here

I am replaying the trailer and feeling inadequate. Damn! The boy has talent

Case One

“Have one kid, you become a parent. Have two and you become a refree”

Have adult kids … you still want to be a refree, but they will have none of it.

Younger dude has relapsed into teenhood. He has anxiety attacks, feels depressed because he is never going to amount to much, since he isn’t going to be a millionaire. SHEESH! Is this cue for me to feel like a failure because I am not a millionaire?

Kid#1 : Coming up with the only male solution to this : Let’s go have beer.

Kid#2 : Naah, I don’t feel like drinking.

My jaw hit the floor, as I opened the medicine drawer.

Never . In . My . Living . Memory . Has . Anyone . Refused . A . Drink . When . Feeling . Low

This was serious.

Kid#1 : Yeah! (Pushing him) You refusing? Let’s fight then!

Kid#2 : Angrily shrugging him off : Leave me alone!

Kid#1 : Fight me and I will.

Me : Stop it the two of you.

DIL : Let them! Wanna bet my husband will win? MY BABY STRONGEST!

Both of them angrily to us: You stay out of it!

Then they had a go at each other, a really intense one. The furniture and doors are still intact, mercifully. The thermometer I had taken out isn’t.

The depression is over … and they have gone for beer. MENS!!!!!

Case Two

DIL is eating muesli for dinner – she is counting calories.

Me : Eyeing the left over slices of banana : Are you finishing that?

(It would be a perfect guilt free desert)

DIL : Aggressively : Don’t look at that! I am going to finish it.

Me : Backing off : Its okay, just asking.

What’s biting her ass?

Kid#1 : (The Residential Peacekeeper) Why are you being aggressive?

DIL : She started it!

Me : ?????

DIL : Defensively : I am not wasting it.

Me : Sulkily : I only wanted a bite.

DIL : With a sunny relieved smile : Here, take all of it.

WOMENS!!!!!

Case Three

Kid#2 : Poking me in the stomach while I am doing something all important, like playing Empires and Allies on Facebook, while sitting on the bed.

Me : Angrily : Don’t poke me.

Kid#2 : Cheekily : I will

Me : Don’t!

Kid#2 : Poking me again : And what will you do?

Me : Losing it and slapping him hard.

Stunned silence in the room.

And then Kid#2 starts to laugh.

Kid#2 : Jeez Ma, is that the best you can do. That was such a cute slap.

BRATS!!!!

Somewhere along the line in this life, I seem to have given everyone the impression that I am too cheerful a person.  May be that is because the default expression on my face is a smile.  Well, that is because I find frowning takes too much energy.

But on a boring dull Saturday like this I want to be a grouch!

Sigh!

But that is so hard!

I walk into the house just wanting to go into my room and sulk …

DIL : (With a smile) Hellow!  How was office?

Me : Grmph!

Kid#1 : (Cheerily) Aur moti! Kee haal chaal?

Me : Creeping into my room : Mmmmph

Kid#2 : (Settled on my bed, watching TV) Yo Momma! ‘Sup? Ready for the weekend?

Me : (Giving up) Just wanna lie down a bit.  Can you turn off the TV and the light?

Kid#2 : Rubbish! Its Saturday night and you’re still young!  Partay!!!!

Me : Throwing myself on the bed with a frown …

All three galvanized into action

DIL : Boss given you a hard time?  Poor Ma! Shall we order take away?

Kid#1 : Here’s a vodka and orange juice.  I’ll make some chicken momos.  Just the kind you love.

Sigh!

I really wanted to sulk, groan and bitch ….

But its so hard to do that with a glass of vodka and a plateful of chicken momos made with so much love.

I know, I know

I’m spoilt

But before I can preen or count myself as blessed, I must remind myself …

They are probably congratulating themselves on the awesome bit of strategy they played on averting a huge “Poor tired and miserable Ma” sort of drama that I can stage.

Damn!

I switch on the TV and get a black screen. There is no snow, no blue and no picture screen. Just a black screen.

Me : Scream! My TV does not have power

Kid#2 : It has power but something is wrong with it. It does not work.

Me : How?

Kid#2 : I dont know, voltage fluctuations must have burnt some part

Me : When did this happen?

Kid#1 : Don’t you know? I think that was Tuesday.

And it is Sunday today …….

Me : Hot damn. I wanted to watch some TV

Kid#2 : No you dont. Anyone who does not need a TV for four days does not need one.

Me : But I wanted to watch news

Kid#2 : Utube hai na

Kid#1 : Vaise bhi, we call your room the honeymoon suite. Solid bed, great airconditioning, no TV, door always locked

Me : ???????? Go pick on someone else, I am going back into my “honeymoon suite”

Damn they should have informed me that the damn TV broke. I could have gotten it repaired over the week!

Conversation on a breakfast table

Ishaan : Ma did you see my comment on your blog

Me : smirking into my bowl of oats : And did you read what Desi Girl replied?

DIL : Singing : Desi Girl, my Desi Girl

Ishaan : What did she write?

Me : Read it, my memory is bad!

I go to get oats refill and spill some

DIL : Yeah kya kiya Mom?

Me : Singing : Jo Bhi Kiya, Humne Kiya, Shaan Se

Mercifully dogs are tone deaf and greedy, the oats were licked clean off the floor.

DIL and I get busy packing our lunch boxes and she leaves

Ishaan : Back after responding to my last two posts : Bet you’ll delete my comment. And what is with you, why are you writing such anti male posts?

Me : (Trying a lecherous look which failed miserably) I can’t write anti male posts, I love men too much

Ishaan : (Not noticing my wannabe lech look) Don’t write issue based posts. As it is, you are a novelist not a blogger.

Sigh, I need to practice getting that look right, its gonna gross out the famiglia totally ….

Me : What’s wrong in being both? Besides, my posts are balanced, I am not a male basher.

Ishaan : All your lead characters in your novels are strong females.

Me : They don’t kick men’s arses, if anything they fall in love with men and kiss them.

Ishaan : Blog about modern women who have the attitude, instead of being a crybaby!

Me : (Me a crybaby?! No way) You do that, you have a blog too

I came to work to find that he had

So had IHM

My work here is done

I climbed upstairs to click pics of the super moon. I mean, how can I not have a photo of that mysterious white ball that hangs around the earth? It is supposed to cause a lot of havoc by swinging so close to the earth. In fact some astrologers are going around crying themselves hoarse blaming the tsunami in Japan on the super moon.

What? Haven’t you watched India TV in the recent past?

All at once I started feeling like as though I am shooting a horror flick or something, and I hesitated.

As older readers of my blog know, I live on the ground floor in queenly isolation and splendor. The kids live upstairs and so do the dogs.

I stopped at the landing and promised myself that I will climb the stairs more often. Its good work out. In fact DIL was complaining today that I never come up. She is right … but then I thought she would be happy to have such a non-interfering MIL. Women! One never knows what will please them!

Well DIL was sitting on the bed laughing her guts out watching Oscar. She did not even acknowledge the fact that I came upstairs. So much for that!

Kid#1 was sitting in the lounge upstairs writing his novel no. 2

Kid#2 was in his room watching Prince of Persia

No one was even bothered.

And it occurred to me that Super Moon can come and do its darnedest. As long as Tata Sky is giving us stellar service, we ain’t gonna go anywhere in a hurry.

In fact we won’t even notice if the earth stops spinning on its axis

I commented on this fact

DIL said “Huh? Babe what is Mom talking about?”

Well, she definitely does not watch India TV

Kid#2 : Ignoring my comment : Its on UTV, Mom. Should I come down and put it on for you? The movie is awesome!

Kid#1 : To his wife : Never mind honey, you know she is a bit like Luna Lovegood.

Wish I was, then I would take a wand and zap sting bombs at them

Or fly on a broomstick to take a closer look at this lovely thing

By the way, if Gods were aliens, the moon would be their outpost, the observatory from which they keep a watch on us puny humans and our antics …

Now, have I made you uneasy?

As long time readers of my blog know, I suffer from foot-in-mouth-itis.  Foot-in-mouthitis can be described as a common affliction of extrovert, irrepressible females of a certain age who end up speaking or doing things without thinking of the consequences.

And one thing that readers of the blog don’t know is that Kid#2 suffers from “Me-want-Me-Grab” syndrome.  And that he thinks that “Ma-ka-maal” equals “Mera-Maal”

It leads to interesting stuff.

Case 1 : I sleepily walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth in the morning.  Pick up tooth brush and grope around for tooth paste.  No tooth paste.  Switch on light and confirm, No effin toothpaste.  I distinctly remember having a tube on the shelf.  Give up and fish out a fresh tube.  Later I investigate and find that Kid#2 has taken it upstairs.  Damn!  Don’t even ask why he did not open the spare stuff cabinet and take out a fresh tube.  He wanted – he took!

Case 2 : “Borrowing” my Ipod and ear-phones.

Case 3 : Sigh … my Blackberry

Enter sad doleful veena sounds here

Folks, not too long ago, I owned a Blackberry.  But then I had Kid#2 some twenty years ago.  Ergo, I now have no Blackberry

And dumbass that I am I did it to myself.

I kept grumbling.  See, the thing is that I wanted full BB services.  I even offered the honchos in command of telecom services for office to pay for them BB services.  They declined for reasons best known to them.  Hence I could not get the darn BB services on my phone (its a corporate connection).

I bitched about it, said “Without those services BB is a piece of shit”

Never ever ever ever say such things in front of your kids, because they are wondering how to use such stuff in their favor.  Purrfectly understandable, as long as you are not the parent!

Especially kids who are glib and excellent at marketing spiel.  Why the shit is he training to be a mechanical engineer I wonder!

Well he discovered that I had a Nokia E66 in my drawer.  He scented blood.  He sales talked me into handing over my BB to him  willingly!!!

I could kill myself!

I still could not see what had happened.

Then he activated my much longed for BB service on the said phone.

He showed me the screen that now looks so smart.

Then he said, “Thanks lady, its been a pleasure doing business with you”

Its then that it hit me!

I’ve been HAD!!!!!!

Gaaah!

Me : Ringing up the after world : “Ring Ring”

Me: “Hello is this Mom?”

Mater : “Rituuuuuuu!!!! I don’t believe this. You’ve rung me up at 2 a.m.?”

Me : “I am sorry, but aren’t people who have left the earth not supposed to follow circadian rhythms?”

Mater : Irritated : “Humph, Just because I sent you to good schools does not mean you confuse me when I am enjoying my after-world peace.”

Me, getting straight to the point, “Ma, I rang you up to complain”

Mater : Sarcastically : “Why am I not surprised?”

Me : “Could you not have held back, and waited a few more days to give me birth?”

Mater : Screaming now : “Wh a a a a a a t”

Deep sigh as I hear the mater breathe evenly trying to muster up patience.

Mater : In a calmer tone : “My dear girl, the time of birth is determined by you, not by me. You decided it was time, and you decided to get born.”

Me : At my whiny best : “But I was a baby! You knew better! I am a Piscean, I am so not an Aquarius! I am proud to be a Piscean, that is me! I nearly got a Pisces tattoo done on my back!”

Mater : Screeching the heavens down : “You what???”

Me : “Cool it Mom, I wanted to, but then did not think I could handle the pain.”

Mater : “Did you ring up to just argue about some stupid jyotish vyotish?”

Me : Whining more : “Seriously Ma, you could have had me ten days later. Now they say I am Aquarius, with this new planet thing.”

Click as she disconnects the phone …..

Dear Kid#1, Kid#2 and DIL and of course our three dogs, Jeannie Baron and Piper

Let me assure you that I love you all, even if I show it in the most eccentric ways. Now don’t you roll your eyes at me, it really tempts me to take you to the eye specialist.

Yeah of course I write crazy blog posts like this one and the one before this. That is just the kind of thing I love to do, I am the Mom. Deal with it.

Kid#1, so what if I ate the smooth peanut butter and the jam. You left it on the kitchen shelf after your midnight snack and I did not have the time to take out the jar of crunchy peanut butter. Pssst! I agree, it tastes better and so does the jam. I was trying to eat healthy but preserves suck. Don’t scream, I’ll get more smooth peanut butter. Stop behaving like a baby! You are way too old to do that.

Kid#2, ya, I know you’ve grown up and do pull your share of work in the house. But do you have to leave your shoes and dirty tee shirts on my bedroom floor? I nearly fell in the night on my way to the bath room. And if you are looking for that particular pair of shoes, I’ll tell you if you apologize nicely. Otherwise ….

DIL, if you keep those late hours, when you are old and need company I shall just run away on the whole world cruise with a hot old man. Dont laugh and tell me I am way too old. We live in the good modern world and the times of Viagra. You’ll be lonely for feminine company then.

And you three doggies …. yes you Jeannie, Baron and Piper, try and keep it down will you?

And if all of you are going to form a union against me, remember one thing …. we mothers are all powerful. We even have a song! Listen to it and enjoy

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

My kids are adults, or so would they like to believe. I seriously wonder. Consider this, at the first sign of cranky or irrational behavior on my part, the boys react the way adolescents react globally, with the eye-roll. This is then followed by : You don’t even have a uterus, how can you be pms-ing. Then the martyred expression, the deep sigh and they scatter, I mean, one minute they are here, the next they have vanished pouf! Back to their playstations, manga and their vampires and what not.

I tend to see red when I get the bills,

Or wake up in the morning to find a huge stash of empty beer bottles on the dining table and two young men on their way to bed when I am ready for breakfast!

Or walk into the house after a full day’s work to find them lazily wandering, towel in hand, for a bath, loo-wards.

What’s with you guys and your body clocks? Why can’t you sleep, eat and be awake when the rest of the world does? And, if you want to keep these hours just move to a different time zone people!!!

I know for sure I would have a better audience for my rants if I had huge canines and liked to drink blood for a living. Or if I traveled warp speed, came to earth and killed earthlings for a career. Hah! That would freak them eh?

DIL I feel for you! Really do. If Kid#1 were my husband, he would have been dead meat! Less said about Kid#2, the better.

Their way of retaliating is by saying, Ma is crazy …. All women at menopausal and post menopausal ages are insane, only in Ma the insanity is aggravated and more pronounced. The latest is that Ma is bi-polar or maybe senile. I am seriously considering cutting of food rations and car privileges….. may be even their respiratory organs.

Sigh, those were good old days. You stood your full height, invoked few guaranteed to trigger guilt phrases : I am your mother, I carried you for nine months, paid your bills, you OWE me biggg time! Nothing works now. I think I should start writing my will, or carry print outs of what the law says about disinheriting your children and leave them at strategic places. That may work!

And don’t for Godssake say “She’s menopausing.” I don’t have the apparatus for that, remember my hysterectomy?

And don’t make the mistake of thinking of me as a wee matronly harmless woman.

I am all powerful, I have a blog

And if you think I am insane, just check out the quotation right below :

“Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.” Sam Levenson

HALLA BOL