My new toy

I am a gizmo freak and well if the gizmo keeps me logged on to the net all the time, even when there are horrendous power cuts, it is just the thing for me.  For years (actually ever since I got to know about this darling thing) I have been longing for an Iphone.

Sigh!

And what do you know! I finally got it

Thank you Kid#1
Thank you The Secret
Thank you Universe
Thank you Shah Rukh Khan

and

Last but not least : Thank you Vin Diesel (Since I was thanking every one else … )

Flash back to a month back

Kid#1 : Hello Mom, what do you want from Philippines

Me : Nothing beta, yahan sab kuch milta hai

Kid#1 : Are you serious?  Look dont ask for booze and dont ask for a male Philipino.  Ab what do you want?

Me : Sigh, kuch bhi nahin.  Just come back qualified, hale and hearty

( I could have asked for sex toys, could have asked for ~ darn he said no to booze!  I could have asked for ~~~ You get the picture)

Kid#1 :  Who are you and what have you done to my Mom!

Me : LOL!  Yeah I was trying to be sensible and noble

Kid#1 : Aint working

Me : Dont waste too much money!  Yeah get me an MP3 player

Kid#1 : You want an Iphone

Me : Nobility gayi tel lene!  How much does it cost?

Kid#1 : LOL! Lemme check!

He got a slightly used one at half the price of a new Iphone.  We got it customized for India, and that took about a week!

Oh wow!  I am over the moon!  I can take pics and post em on my blog.  I can pester the kids to pose for me forever, photograph the dogs and even our fishes!  I have an Iphone.

I have put twitter and facebook on the phone.  Folks I am taking my net addiction to a new level.

Like Shah Rukh Khan said in his speech in Om Shanti Om

Raaz : Iss Janam Ka

I’ve been watching Raaz Pichley Janam Ka with great interest.  Anything to do with deep seated memories, fast forward to future or a trip to the past simply fascinates me.  Sci Fi, extra terrestrial life forms, fantasy, occult are stuff right up my alley.  I normally avoid the television and the serials completely.  They piss me off.  This does not.

Me being me ~ how could I just be content with watching.  Like I said once while discussing blue flicks, spectator sports simply do not interest me.

So I decided to hunt out some one who could do P.L.R. for me.

Me : I want to get my past life regression done

DIL : Oh for godssake Mom!  Why?

Kid #2 : So do I!  Suppose I was a King or a mad Scientist it would be fun.  I’d know where I hid the money and could recover it or I would know some fantastic things I had invented.

Me :  Heyy this is about me!

DIL : Why is this family so insane?

Me :  Dunno babe ~~~ You decided to get hitched into this family, so it follows that you are insane

Well after the customary argument, I set off to get my PLT done.

The therapist I picked up played a spoil sport

Therapist :  Any phobias?

Me : None

Therapist : Any deep seated issues ~~~

Me : Well I had an awful relationship with my mother

Therapist : And

Me : She’s dead now ~~~

Therapist : And

Me : Thinking deeply : Well I guess I dont wanna meet her again in any life

(gwarsh!  This sounded lame ; even to me)

Therapist : You know you need a question that you need answered or an issue you need resolved – so first figure them out before you venture into such a journey.  It costs a lot.

Me : So?

Therapist : I guess you first resolve issues in your present life

Me : Mucho dissappointed

So I guess I need to introspect – actually single out issues that need resolution – in the pichla janam to go for a trip

I was talking to Kid#1 on the phone, actually complaining that the darn therapist actually stalled me!

Kid #1 : Huh!  If you wanted to go on a tour of Europe, Go visit Egypt or Greece I could understand!  This is weird

Sigh!!!  Yeah!  Guess I am weird- but I so wanna!

My kids talk to me …. Halp!!!!

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You know what I hate about new age parenting?  The fact that there are so many rules that are diametrically opposed to how we were brought up!

Humarey Zamaaney Mein : Part One

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

Aaj Kal : We hear of the new fangled thing called child abuse

Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two

Children are simply to be seen, not heard

Aaj Kal : Parenting is all about keeping the communication lines open all the time.  Psychologists tell us it is good and rewarding.  We are to listen to our kids  attentively, participate in their lives

WELL!

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT IS DARN INCONVENIENT!

What about the many years of “our lives” that we put on hold when they were kids and ran after them, picked after them and cooked stuff they wanted to eat?

What about how much the middle aged body and mind can take?

Picture this :

You put a load of laundry in the washing machine, brew a nice cup of tea and pick up the newspaper and settle into your warm quilt.  It is a utopia moment …..

Kid#2 : Mom, is Bhabhi around

Me : No, I guess she is upstairs

Kid#2 : Well, I was thinking yada yada yada

Me : Looking at the newspaper regretfully and trying to mentally console myself with a never mind, knowing said newspaper is going to go unread into kabadi ……. or I will have to wake up late in the night to read old news without the supplements and comics that I love – which the kids have already taken into their own rooms or to college/work

Sigh!

Or this scenario

Me, hastily cooking and laying the table, thinking of going online asap once dinner is over

Well the Kid has had a tiff with girl friend and wants to do detailed self analysis with all the “I have feelings of inadequacy and no one understands me” emotions of teenage with angst galore

or Scenario No. 2

DIL has to tell me all about quirks of her co-workers that she finds annoying.  I send an email and get chided because “You are not listening properly”.  So I settle down to “listen properly”, and after 5 minutes add my comment to what she said about a co-worker.

She stops me with a “Dont take it the wrong way, but I dont want you to say anything – not that I dont value your inputs”.

Me : You mean you want to be heard with no comments?  So you better talk to a wall then!?!????

She : I am not saying you cant comment

Me : But you prefer that I dont

She : I didnt mean that ~~~~

Me : But I thought that’s what you meant

She : MOMMMMMM You dont listen properly

And she stomps off hufffily

I give up on the emails totally confused.  Besides my middle aged body is tired and needs its rest ……….

I prefered the olden days

Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two

Children are simply to be seen, not heard

Make that young adults too

Karva Chowth at Phoenix House

I am very ambivalent about karva chowth and I wrote a post last year stating my reasons which readers found hilarious.  Well I am like that anyways ….

My kids want to celebrate each and every festival with gusto, even the all female ones like karva chowth. I would doll up, do the mehendi, new dress and bangles and trinkets thingy, and then we would eat drink and be merry.  Now I have happily handed over baton to DIL

I’ve told DIL she has the option to do away with the fast if she wishes. Its cool with us …

Flashback two days ago ………………………..

Kid#2 : Mom are you gonna get mehendi and stuff done?

Me : Reclining on my bed with laptop : Nah, I have done away with peripherals

Kid#2 : Why????

Me ; Astonished at such a strong reaction : I never keep the fast anyway, and am not in the mood for dolling up

Kid#2 : Launching full blown drama : You never do anything, you are not fun anymore, festivals dont feel like festivals when Bhai isnt around ………………….

Me : ??????!!!!!!!???????

Then Godji sent inspiration (Thank you Godji Phewww!)

Me : Beta Bhabhi will do all that, its her time

DIL came home dancing : See my new suit that I bought for Karva Chowth! Isnt it pretty? Kid#2 you better be home on Karva Chowth eve since you gotta take me to get mehendi done

Kid#2 : Looking much happier : Jee Bhabhi, do you also want to go to the parlour? I am so glad someone is celebrating! (The last said snidely)

DIL : After consideration : Nah parlour will be too full, besides I’ll be working full day

Me : Heaving a quiet sigh of relief : Beta, tell me what you wanna eat for sargi, I’ll cook that.

Both of them seriously discussing possible options for the early morning sargi

I never knew handing over all the stuff was so liberating!!!!

She can do the mehendi and dress and fast if she so desires!

I AM OUT OF IT!!!!

 

We had sargi together at 5 a.m. which I cooked early in the morning.  Kid#2’s craving for some festival celebration got satisfied, DIL and I left for work!  I think I narrowly escaped the dog house!!!

Halp! My words come and bite me in the ….

My elder son has gone and I already feel the absence!

Yeah I know he’s just a phone call away …..   I also know that I have told him in all sorts of ways that he can leave and settle down anyplace in the world and its okay with me!  In fact I have told this to both the kids.  No I am not being a bitch – but I truly believe that parents have been successful if their kids learn to be completely self reliant.  I am not above throwing  a tantrum and telling them to get the F out of here, when I am being completely and unreasonably menopausal!

But see, I am on my knees apologising – that too publicly on my blog

Flashback to yesterday …..

I get home by 6 p.m. to find the maids in a tizzy.  Apparently the door that opens into the first floor of our home mysteriously got locked.  We have a fully functional apartment kind of set up on the first floor with two bedrooms, one living room, balcony etc.  The maids said they did not lock the dratted door.  The dogs cannot do it, and neither can the fishes.  We are the first occupants of this villa, so no irate ghost could be playing games…..

WELL

I cursed the damn maids, the damn door, the damn dogs etc and tried to open the door.  I tried about 2 dozen ( I am not exaggerating) 2 dozen keys, but could not open it.

Rang up Kid 2 who refused to pick up his effin cell!

Rang up Kid 1 in Phillipines in desperation!  He found things amusing (Damn Him).  Most likely he was thanking his stars that he is in Philly and does not have to be Alpha Male and set things right at home!

I got our resident electrician to climb the roof, jump into the balcony (it requires athletic prowess) and open the door.  Phew!  Once the door was unlocked I felt relieved.  The maids got busy with their cleaning and I wandered to the loo

Whadduknow!!!!!  The effin loo was locked! 

How does the same shit happen twice in the same day????

Got out that huge box of keys GROAN!  Started trying each and every one of ‘em again DOUBLE GROAN  Made a mental note to separate the darn keys into bunches that made sense

Kid 1 rang up to ask “Did the upstairs get unlocked” and went hysterical when told about my loo

“Use the other loo Mom”

Me : “No thanks Kiddo!  I like to use my own loo”

Kid 2 still wasnt picking up the phone

DIL rang up – heard my predicament and was properly sympathetic (at first)

The lock magically opened – one key actually fit!  WOW!

DIL rang up again, got the update and then said in a sweetly bitchy tone :

“You keep telling us to go away and you wanna live alone dont you?!  See this is what will happen to you old woman!”

Ouch!  I hate eating crow!

Kid 1 I am sorry!  Dont mean half of what I say anyways.  So stop laughing and feeling smug.  Kid 2, if you dont pick up the phone, your cell will be confiscated, and DIL, I hate it when you are right, especially when you are at your bitchiest best and right!

Gaaah!

But I am going away Ma!

For the past almost two years Kid#1 has been one foot in Philllipines and one foot in home sweet home.  To me who has not been out of town for years on end it sounds exciting.

To him who hates Phillipino food, it sucks bigg time.  Apparently they add sugar to all the food.  Every thing tastes sweet, which is a big no no for a true blood Punjabi vampire

Okay – lets ammend that to True Blood Punjabi Carnivore

I almost said “I love you Sookie!” in a gravelly vampire tone, OMG I love that series

So we have one hyper Kid#1 in the home, who wants to eat

1. Aloo Meat

2. Poshto

3. Baghare Baingan

4. Aloo Matar Vadi

5. Atta Halwa

6. Poori Halwa

7. Biriyani

and other things made with love by Mom.  Standard refrain being “But I am going away Ma!”  It is completely immaterial that the trip will hardly last three months!

I am flattered!  I love the fact that my kid misses some stuff that I cook.

What escapes me is that Kid#2 has stopped going to college for the past couple of days “Because Bhai is going away Ma!”

Now that is what I call Chance Pey Dance Marna!

Editor’s note :

Since readers are wanting an update on what DIL is up to ….

Well, DIL is the first one to demand her choice of food … from both her Ma and her MIL, she makes hay – bigg time

As for cooking !

She set rice to cook in the rice cooker last night!

We got some characterless ricey melange today morning – it was not a particularly happy choice for breakfast – we all passed it

Does anyone know some magic that can be done to overcooked rice?

The X and the Y matters

I think I really had it easy as a kid.  Was the first daughter after a long ffffffffreaking long run of male children and made much of.

Then I had two sons ….

Even the dogs I had were male …..

The cats I kept did not matter since they know they do not belong to Earth and are here on temporary visa anyway!  So they keep to themselves.

Well the scene sure has changed!

For such a long time in the house I was the only one with a Y chromosome (correction, the only one with a XX chromosome!  Thanks people)

Now I live in the house of estrogen.

Two sons and two dogs are male but they cant keep up with two women and one female dog!

Welcome to hormone nightmares!

I am menopausal and can be totally unreasonable

DIL is queen of drama, so she can out-do menopausal me any time.

So where does this all take us?  Straight into the “Ismey tragedy hai, Ismey no one understands me hai, Ismey I will not listen to logic hai, ismey nobody loves me hai, Ismey you better listen to me hai”

Yeah like I said – Even one of the dogs is female

Two men and two male dogs are no match for

Jeannie the “Oh look at me I am so pretty dog”

DIL the I know I am right even if (in rare cases) I am wrong …. and gawd help you when my PMS flares up

and

ME , the no one loves me appreciates me values me I wanna go back to the galaxy far far away that I belong to.

Pheww !!! This is why protein bars will never work in my home.  Chocolate is the only solution.  I am gonna buy sackfulls, the stock is low!

Weekend crazy language

My children often complain that I am childish.  I always counter that I am child-like not childish.  I have innocence and simplicity and ……. GAAH I give up !  That sounds over sweet, which I most definitely am NOT!!!

Well, like they say, Growing old is mandatory, growing up is not!  Grown ups do not have any sense of fun, which makes life stressed, full of broken dreams, angst, bills and all the other curses of life on earth.  Tell ya Outer Space is much better.

Seems like none of us siblings grew up – ever.  When we get together, spouses get disgusted, children embarassed – and they try to ignore us – which is so difficult considering the loud guffaws and even louder repartee from our side of the living room!  Poor things, but not our fault!

Yeah some of us got together for a sibling pow wow.  As is the norm with us, sense and maturity flew out of the window and silliness prevailed.  Simply wunnerful

A few drinks down the line, the conversation got stuck on money. Now this can normally be a weep-fest or a whine whine kind of time.   It did start like that

COUSIN 1 : You know college kids are a pain in the butt!  Education, car, clothes, bills ……

COUSIN 2 : (Man after my heart!) Bill is a four letter word.  I love Uma Thurman because she did KILL BILL

ME : Hmmm, well she looked hot doing it too, almost made me Bi …..

COUSIN 1 : Pity “Money” is not a four letter word!

Me : Cash is …….

COUSIN 2 : ( I think booze had hit him by then) So is undy

We exchanged happy grins, since it reminded us of a game we used to play “Substitution” where we replaced one word with another for a day.  Used to drive the parents nuts, imagine calling a pencil “baingan bharta” for one whole day.

ME :  Apna Sapna Undy Undy

COUSIN 1 : Undy hai toh honey hai

COUSIN 2: For a Few Undies More

Me : Boo!  That was dollars not money!

Both cousins : Hey we can subsitute all Rupee Dollar Yen and such like with all undy type words!

Me (sensing a huge opportunity here) Put your undy where your mouth is!

Silence as they digested this one and acknowledged a winner!  I mean I am QUEEN of language aint I???? Smirk Smirk

Both looked at each other and grouped up against me! Dammit they always do that!  Been doing that for more than 40 years!

Both consulting with each other and saying : Sabsey bada UNDY!!!!!

The whole family, some 16 of them gathered around to check out what us old farts were up to …..  Bets were placed in the true tradition of the famiglia and sides taken …

The hourglass was set solemnly between the two warring parties, Them both together, me on my ownsome, drinks replenished  …….. rules set, every underwear synonym could be used and every money synonym too …

Me : Kaccha is the root of all evil

They : Kaccha talks

Me : Undy makes undy

OMG it went on and on!  I never knew money could be so much fun.  We keep getting so serious about the damn thing, mourning about the lack of it, grabbing at it, fighting for it!  Why not play?  Money really ought to be fun ….

We were getting drunk and sillier by the minute …..

Me : Chaddi is Power!  Long live the pink chaddi!!!

Them : Kaccha cant buy happiness, for that buy viagra !!!

Me : OMG! I am sooooo gonna blog about this!

Them : Yeah, like they say Jocks talks

Me : Yes it does!  But I’ll try to keep it “Brief”

People, I was declared the winner and got to eat the last dahi bhalla on the table!  

YAYYYYY

The Breakfast Wars

Old readers of my blog would know that at home Kid#1 and Moi are the ‘cookers’ and Kid#2 and DIL the ‘eaters’. Works well for us, more since DIL (smart goil) threatens to feed us meals made by her. Mercifully she hasnt made good her threat. Hmm Yeah she made Egg Onion Bake which was okay. She made chicken once and it was HOT. We had to call the fire brigade Phew!!! It was tasty though. 2 dishes in three years – she needs to make one more dish, to make it one dish a year. Must tell her! But I digress

My attitude towards cooking is : Meal is on the table. I am eating. You guys can eat when you want to. I finish my meal and get back to my computer or TV or whatever …..

Kid#1 is harmonal. I am not kidding at all. He freaks out and when he is cooking no one hangs around the kitchen. He is holy terror. Once he has laid the table and put food, you are, at the pain of death, supposed to drop everything and hot-foot to the table, or he will sulk, throw a tantrum and make life unpleasant.

Yesterday I wandered into the kitchen and decided that I would have a sinful breakfast. Yeah I get that mood, and when I get it, I never get to eat anything good, fattening and sinful. Sulk Sulk

I checked the freezer and there were these thick yummy looking hot dogs lying there, and I pulled them out. Kid#1 landed up

Kid#1 : What you doin?

Me : Breakfast time, I want something that takes time digesting. I dont want oatmeal today

Kid#1 ; Snatching the packet out of my hand : Those are not sausages, they are chorizo

Me : Trying to unsuccesfully grab the pack : They look like sausage and I wanna eat it.  I like eating stuff I dont know how to spell

Kid#1 : Shoo! Shoo!  I am doing breakfast

Me : Not liking being shooed out of the kitchen : Okay I’ll make me some chow mein.  Want some ?(while picking up the packet of fresh noodles fm the fridge)

Kid #1 : Snatching that damn thing out of my hand too : This is unhealthy, throw it

Me : This was tantrum time : I LIKE IT.  I wont throw it! (and I huffily stomped into my room)

5 minutes later the most divine smell came from the kitchen.  I landed up there, and seeing that Kid#1 wasnt around I decided to taste a slice of the whatchamacallit sausage look alike.  My bad luck, Kid#1 caught me in the act and freaked out.  He stopped cooking and went up in a huff.

I ate a slice of bread with a glass of milk – told ya about the “wanting to eat sinful stuff and not getting to”.  Kid#2 wisely stayed in his room.  DIL scolded Kid#1 for being harmonal and me for …… being me I guess

I went off to spend quality time with an old female friend.

Today the maid packed some of that scrambled egg with sausage thingy in my lunch.  Dahlins it was delicious.  Well I cant let it go – can I?

Rang up Kid#1

Me : Hey that thing u made for breakfast was yummy

Kid#1 : Its called chorizo and I am not gonna talk about it

Me : The maid packed it in my lunch box – its delicious

Kid#1 : (Coldly) I did not eat it and we shall not talk about it

Me : Your bad luck.  Its not as though you got your chums or are preggers.  I am menopausal and even I dont throw such tantrums.  Tell you, its yummy

Kid#1 : We shall not talk about it, like I said

Me : But we are …..  Its yummy

Silence …………………….

Me : Have I irritated you enough

Kid#1 : Wish you were my age and I could curse you

Me : You wanna use the F word?

Kid #1 : Phone disconnected

Man!  Sometimes having kids to torture is such fun!!!!

Talking Long Distance ……

Actually not long distance as far as distance went. Kid#1 was comfortably esconced on the sofa with his feet on the centre table. DIL was lying down Diva-like on the couch

Kid#2 and Moi were sitting on the other sofa, he was trying to read Tehelka with me trying to read what he was reading ……

DIL : Babe did you call the window wala

Kid#1: No I did not

DIL: (The voice was freezing here) You know the bathroom window has been broken for the last two weeks. Why did you not do it?

Kid#1: Voice rising in defense: I told you I am busy …..

Me: Abandoning the Tehelka and looking at them. This Tehelka was better than Mayawati

Kid#2: Stuffing nose deeper in Tehelka since he is not yet out of the dog house for what he did to the Xing.

Silence for something like 2 whole minutes ……….. Angry looks being exchanged

…… Yummy ………..

DIL: Kid#2 ask your incompetent brother to give me MY almairah keys. I forgot my set at office today

Kid#2 : Doing a good imitation of a deaf mute

Kid#1: Kid#2 tell your arrogant sister in law that I will not give her the keys to MY almairah. She can go to office and get hers

Kid#2: You both can hear each other, leave me out of this

DIL : Mom tell that jackassy son of yours

Me : Picking up a pillow and hiding behind it : Leave me out of it. I dont participate in spousal fights. I only watch them for entertainment.

Both of them: Oh you are hopeless

They look at each other and start laughing. She gets the key bunch and he promises to get a glass man for the window

Both Kid#2 and I look at them shocked. Whaddumean? Was that all???? We want more entertainment

Shucks!!!

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