I got stuck in a traffic jam ….

My current mode of brainwashing self into not becoming a raving and ranting mass of emotions is to deflect the anger and irritation.

Yes yes, witness the halo on my head … what?  You haven’t seen it … look harder  :P

I am a saint, I am the religious and life style guru and my name is Ma Rithambra Devi!  ;)  Just kidding!

The way I deflected the anger was to look around and say, “Wow!  Look at all the car loans out there – at least the banks are happy!”

And then I saw this man … He was laying out all the multi coloured lottery tickets on a small bench in front of a shop.  While I was staring at him, he switched on a cassette recorder.  For all you tech savvy newbies out there – there were cassette recorders before your cds and mem cards came into being.

Yes, to get to office I have to go past the old and traditional areas of the town.

I lowered my car window out of curiosity and switched off the FM

He had his sales spiel recorded on the cassette player

It was priceless

I am translating it here … as best as I remember it

Brothers and Sisters, ladies and gentlemen

Have you ever given your luck a chance?  It is said that when God bestows his bounty on a man, the bounty can shower down, breaking the thatched roof.  These days every one lives in cemented houses.  So what does God do?  Does he give up?  No!  He showers the bounty on you by breaking through your doors and windows.

When God does not give up, why should you?

Come one, come all!  Have faith!   Give luck a chance

Buy a ticket!

Inspiration sure does come my way from unlikely quarters …

Every one has a formula to live life by … a formula that one alters as one gains experience.  I have tended to jump into things first – learn the lessons later.  Some gyaan that my nature (which I never want to change) has taught me.

1. Talk to yourself.  It is healthy and even if you argue with yourself, you can’t make an enemy.  Say rude things, use the four letter word you always wanted to – to yourself.  You wont get slapped and you cant take offense to it. Besides, you are your own life long companion.

2. Day dream, always.  Its fun, its the mental equivalent of masturbation and its tax free.  Sometimes you may even gain deep wisdom and insights.

3. Religion is not something you are born into.  Religion has to be found, grown out of your own sense of God.  Every one can and should follow their own brand of religion.

4. If you don’t feel a particular religion working for you, change it by all means.  We change clothes, we change and evolve.  Why should our religion be just what people believed in centuries ago?

5. Don’t drink a Pepsi after eating kurkure.  It tastes awful.

6. Every one is mad.  The trick is to discover how to make your particular brand of madness work for you.  If you do, you have it made

7. If you fall in the ditch, look up at the stars.  It sure as hell soothes you down and makes you feel less of an ass.  It may make you feel like getting up and trying again.

8. You are not defeated until you give up.  You’re in the game as long as you keep trying.

9. When in doubt talk to a child.  Kids may not know complex things, but they intuitively know all that matters.

10. You are always in shit.  If two parts of your life are working beautifully, at another level something will always be in deep shit. So stop fretting and concentrate on what works.

11. In continuation to point 10 : “The good old days” is part fiction and part very-bad-memory.  They never happened so concentrate on the present, will ya?

12. When things get tough, there is always booze and music.  And if you have money in the pocket, there is always take out.  It cheers and makes things better.

13. Happiness is not a gift, it is a way of life.  It is a choice.

14. When you feel dead or depressed, do something crazy.  Kiss someone inappropriate, max your credit card, drive on the wrong side of the road. Okay, may be not the last option.  But it sure as hell makes you feel alive.

15. If you fuck up, don’t worry.  We are all here on temporary visa anyway.  Besides mistakes are the best way to learn.

16. Stand on your head and look around you.  Your favorite couch or that dresser looks new from that angle.  For the less agile, look at everything from a different view point.  Makes everything fresh.

17. Nothing matters apart from here and now.  When you are dead, its all finished any way.  Nothing existed before you were born.  So stop being so serious.

18. Boobs are an asset, so is a smile.  Use them … always

19. A kind word does not cost anything.  So don’t minge on compliments.

20. Breathe consciously – at least once a day, or if you can, meditate.

Hey, if you dont agree, learn your own lessons will ya? In any case its all bull shit.

Ever heard the song “Say a little prayer”? Its one of my favorites. Mostly because it is something I identify with completely. My relationship with the Higher Being, Godji, the Divine is just as simple as that – the force is with me, for me and my buddy, my support. This belief makes things so simple, so whenever I am low, wounded, bruised or hurt, all I have to do is “say a little prayer” and I know that I am not alone. I will get the support, see the way out. Its better than having to visit the temple, it is better than having a buddy on speed dial, it is even better than punching pillows and slamming doors. The temple bells don’t have such a soothing effect, the chanting of mantras does not help me as much as just whispering, “Please Godji …..”

I was just walking up and down the corridor, tense – no I was actually in a foul temper; I had messed up something pretty bad, and knew the boss would haul me over burning coal … i.e. after I was done kicking myself. Yeah, I am a great one for punishing myself

And I was murmuring to myself “Please Godji, help me control damage”

A person tapped me on the shoulder and proceeded to read my a huge lecture on how I could not pray with shoes on and facing south … it may be rahu kalam, had I checked?

I turned, shrugged and walked off. If I had stopped, the argument would have been huge and bitter, I am not one who likes my personal space intruded upon. And I have issues with know-it-alls.

But once I was calmer, crisis sorted out, I started reflecting …

Anyone who has a “prayer habit” must have pondered on this, “What is the difference between personal prayer and ritual prayer? Why the difference?”

How would you answer the question

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, so is perversion. Is a woman forever stuck between her desires and the moral healthiness or progress of a society?

We are waiting for disaster to happen ….

All of us are buying milk and provisions, scolding wayward kids who have gone out to see a movie on this damn day (Yep all my brood is watching a movie in Delhi!)

Some of us are panicking and wanting to hang a cross on their door to buy some safety.

Not a bad idea I must say ….. since all Gods are the same and all religion leads to God ( so I devoutly hope).  Its another matter that these days it just seems to be an excuse to kill, burn and miam!

I hope and pray I am proved wrong and things remain peaceful.

A very typical FB thread

33 minutes ago Friends Only · Comment · LikeUnlike

• Tbg Dgc likes this.
• • 

    Monika Manchanda and isliye hum sab ladenge… now see the tamasha tmrw

    32 minutes ago · LikeUnlike · 1 personLoading…
  • 

    Ritu Lalit Hope not! But ab yehi hoga, my mandir construction vs your masjid construction

    31 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
  • 

    Jaishree Venkat hehehe,, who builts faster, better higher??

    30 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
  • 

    Ritu Lalit Yeah, and the circus starts once more

    29 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
  • 

    Ritu Lalit They should have made a forest in the disputed land – go green and show thenga to all power bases

    28 minutes ago · LikeUnlike · 2 peopleLoading…
  • 

    Jaishree Venkat entertainment ke liye kuch bi karenge

    28 minutes ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading…
  • 

    Sourav C. Pandey People : “Thank God, it should be peaceful now!”
    Media : “Hell! We won’t let it be!”

    23 minutes ago · LikeUnlike · 1 person

First of all I would like to thank BPL for recognizing the divine in me.  Don’t knock it folk, if BPL thinks I am God, I am, okay.  I heard you snigger, yeah you over there!  Stop it or I’ll ensure that you are a donkey for the next 9 lives.  Now where was I?

Yeah I was on that long list of thank yous made so fashionable by the Bollywood and Hollywood actors in their award acceptance speeches.  Any way since I am God, I think I can do away with all that.  Besides Zeus defeated his sire Cronos to ascend the throne and Cronos could not even tell him to behave since he did the same to Uranus.  He actually went a step further, he imprisoned his vanquished siblings, the Titans too.  Thanking one’s friends and family is passe for the divine I guess.

You may think I’ll make a hash of this God-responsibility, much like Jim Carrey, but no I don’t intend to.  Though I would love to meet with a God like Morgan Freeman – he was awesome as God in Bruce Almighty, but BPL I cast no aspersions on you, you are making me divine, right?

So as Blogger Almighty, what are my 12 Commandments?  Hmmm.  The first thing that comes to mind is to end war, poverty and have world peace.  But then I am not a Miss World aspirant, and while it may win votes with judges in a pageant, what does it mean to us bloggers?  Besides, lets get real … it ain’t gonna happen.  So regretfully I discard those as my first three commandments.  Here are 12 Commandments that will hopefully make our world a better place and help us become more successful and happy.

As Blogger Almighty I would first like to sort out things in the blogosphere, so, my first commandment would be to do away with word verification in the comment section.  Honestly, we’re all bloggers and we all love our comments, our fragile egos get such a boost from the number of comments in our comment section.  Word verification discourages people from commenting.  Every one has moderation on, so why add word verification?  If it is spam, one can simply delete it, with no one getting wiser.  I think all of us will agree with this point.  So there we have it

Another dangerous horrifying disease that I would love to cure is “The Writers Block”.  If I am Blogger Almighty, I can do at least this much for my fellow writers.  Every one is familiar with this disease; it has struck us all relentlessly and without any discrimination.  We are reduced to playing naughts and crosses on backs of envelopes or staring at the computer screen while pressing the space bar or clicking the mouse intermittently so that we do not have to stare at the screen saver.  The only known cure for “The Writers Block” known is to keep writing, so why not do tags when you lack inspiration?  So it follows :

Spam, no – not the edible one, but the one that afflict our blogs and in-boxes every day bothers me.  As Blogger Almighty I would like to abolish spammers, but much like other merciful Divine Entities allowed mosquitoes and flies to exist, I acknowledge that spammers too have a right to live.  So I shall implore to blogger-kind to invent something better than Akismet and call it HITSPAM or SPAMMORTEIN to destroy spam.  Spammers can fall to my feet and I shall sentence them to behavioral therapy and community service.

I have a special place in hell for virus.  I had the most awesome blog design that the virus ate up.  Virus and their entire ilk (trojans+malware+adware) deserve special place in hell.  No, I take that back.  In hell they may just go forth and multiply.  Remember the problem Smith created in Matrix?  I don’t want that to happen on Le Internet.  So we come to Commandment No. 4

Copycats beware, I, Ritu the Blogger Almighty have something special in store for you.  Plagiarism is for the feeble minded.  I agree that our education system being what it is, all of us have been trained to mug and reproduce answers by rote.  But dudes, this is the real world and we are not cardboard cut-outs.  We can be original here and no one will fail us.

Now that I have my main grouses in blogosphere sorted out, let me attend to the workplace.  I will not give reasons for most of the commandments I dish out here – but trust me I know.  I am at Senior Management Level and bullshitting the bosses is as important – nah! more important than just plain old fashioned work.  So please accept these commandments as tried and tested ones.  All of them focus on your looking busy and important!

Ritu The Blogger Almighty offers yet another nugget of wisdom so that you look busy and bosses feel that you are earning your keep

Honestly clean desks are for bosses.  Us minions need to have paper and files strewn on our desks so that the bosses don’t route more paper our way.

Appearance is crucial.  Always look impatient and annoyed, interrupt someone lower than you in hierarchy, sigh deeply (you may practice this at home or in the wash room).  Ensure that you walk around with a sheaf of papers and a furrowed brow.  These give non-verbal signals that you are genuinely worried about the well being of the company and by inference, your boss’s financial well being.

Now that I have given you important tips on how to amass great power, status and hopefully a raise at the workplace, let me pay attention to your everyday life.  I am sure you all must have heard the Bobby McFaren song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”, I recommend it as a mandatory lullaby.  But following this course of action does not come easily.  I have reserved a few commandments specifically to de-stress you.

Once you have the past and future out of the equation, things automatically get simple.  To further simplify stuff follow the next commandment

The above is also for those well meaning busybodies and bleeding heart types who can’t keep their noses out of other folks business.  Of course if they still persist I will send more problems their way.  I am a cooperative divine entity

Ever looked around and wondered about certain things?  We put man on the moon, we got internet, we invented stuff that makes life simpler and we still go about with the original mysteries of life unsolved and hotly debated!  Never mind, I’ll solve a couple of them for you since I am in a mellow and generous mood

Actually I have to confess that every time I redesign the world – I flip a coin and change the order…………… it relieves the tedium of the eternal beings heh!

The second most hotly debated mysteries of the world, Is God Male or Female? Oh I love sharing with you the secret of this one!

The truth is that we are partners, me and the male God, but he is watching the Divine Universal Tournament with endless snacks and beer for the last thirty centuries.  I TOOK OVER!

If you like my 12 commandments you may please donate some money to my paypal account!

Celestial Blessings

Ritu the Almighty Blogger

Meet the team :
Ritu Lalit
Deepak Amembal
Bikram Mann
Vibhuti Bhandarkar
Karthik
Manna
Meghana Subramanian
Deepti Raman

The Image in This Post is a Teamwork by THE BLUE INK SOCIETY

Every once in a while, either me or some other female that I know mourns the fact that we are ill treated. I dont know about other females, but I am absolutely sure that I would not want me to be a man. I mean, in this day and age, being a woman is something that is so wonderful. I can live the life I choose, marry – unmarry …. but I am so free. Plus I get a huge kick from the fact that I can earn my keep, drive, pursue a hobby and give birth to kids. That makes me feel strong and superior.

But to women who still doubt the fact that we truly have improved a lot I offer these ads ….

These ads are not too old – they are just ads from the 50s and 60s, but we have evolved. If any ad agency created these today, it would be out of business! We women are the biggest shoppers, and we drive market trends. We would boycott the product and the agency too.

Now are we doormats or prey to be hunted?

A doormat or a prey to be hunted?

Everything in this ad screams paedophilia

Talking about kinky, here is another

and another

It seems that men thought that they were masters whereas their spouses were slaves … or perhaps men and women thought that way

I dont think I would buy that darn Kenwood Chef ever! And I love to cook!! Think of the ladies who dont like to cook, they would boo it out of the market!! On this point, I hate the Prestige ad too – Jo Biwi Se Kare Pyaar …. my way of thinking says, darn, if he loves his wife, why doesnt he pitch in with making dinner twice a week at least?

See how popular perceptions have changed through time? We have come a long way baby! We arent where we want us to be but we are getting there!

Talking about ads in the 50′s and 60′s, here are a few that are so idiotic that one can only shake one’s head and wonder

The world has truly changed. Thank God its 2010, not 1960!

Celibacy seems to the fundamental requirement of anyone aspiring to be a Godman or a GodMata. This is such an impossible requirement – perhaps its been put there so that the person who attains it actually becomes a saint?

With the recent scandals being widely reported in the newspaper, I once again started reading up on the subject. I read up a lot about it in my teens and tweens. I once, in my teens actually walked into an ashram and disturbed two holy ladies of a rather strict spiritual sect indulging in lesbian sex. Dont ask!!! And no – it did not scar me for life. I thought that they were human too and found this entirely natural. We are sexual beings and I do not think that God would damn us for indulging in sex. If he/she hated it so much, we would not have been sexual beings any way. Two young women (barely 20 or so) , on the spiritual path with no male company (forbidden) sought some solace with each other … it did not diminish them in my eye. I found it sad and poignant.

“Continence, My child, is the sacrifice asked by the Father. You cannot divide yourselves; there must be a full dedication to the will of God.” – Our Lady, March 24, 1974

Oh really? I have always thought otherwise. If you trap or control anything natural – it lashes out and breaks through with redoubled ferocity. In this case … sexual forces, which when naturally released, bring forth life, de-stress us and bring us closer to the loved one … becomes perverted. It is much like water which stays fresh and healthy only when it flows. If it is in a stagnant pool, it rots and the stink is intolerable to bear.

This is what child abusers in the garb of priesthood have shown us. This is what we learn from Nithyanand Swami’s infamous and sleazy agreement

“Volunteer understands that these activities (tantra sex) could be physically and mentally challenging, and may involve nudity, access to visual images, graphic visual depictions, and descriptions of nudity and sexual activity, close physical proximity and intimacy, verbal and written descriptions and audio sounds of a sexually oriented, and erotic nature, etc.

… and it was mandatory for his devotees to sign this. And many of them must have signed it too. This is not sex in its natural form – it is perversion.

Animals are a guide here. Animals do not watch or read porn. They do not go rape little animals – and will not do stuff like torture other animals for sexual pleasure. In fact they would not hunt or have sex for sport. When the time is right – they do it and get on with life.

I have also come upon stupid misconceptions like “Seminal Loss takes away energy from the body”. This was told to me by a very educated person with all seriousness. Wrong thing to say to me. I am prepared to argue about it – and have read a whole lot of research material that disproves it. Needless to say – the gentleman and me are not on talking terms anymore. I really shattered his illusions. For his sake I hope he grew up somewhat ….

After the death of my brother, I took to meditation. In fact meditation is one thing that kept me going when everything in my life turned topsy turvy. I found that going deep into meditation made you really get intense sexual dreams. This is the bald truth. In fact for most people on the path to spirituality have discovered it. Do click the link and read before sending me hate mails and trolling my blog please.

These days we are bombarded with titillating sexual images and messages – the TV, ads, songs … and the audio visual stimuli can overload the senses of anyone – more so the person who is trying to overcome it.

I really think that celibacy, like other misconceptions like “The Earth is flat or we would have fallen off” and “The Sun rotates round the Earth” etc etc should be thrown into the dustbin.

Of course in my own eyes I already am!  But public opinion bhi maangta hai na!

Well if I were the Empress here is what would happen

1. Window Shopping would be classified as aerobic exercise.  So would sex.

2. The entire globe would be wi-fi enabled and no one would pay for internet

3. The entire world would run on solar energy and people using fossil fuels and trying to make money out of selling essential stuff like food, water and power would be thrown in jail.  I’d take them out of the dungeon on a day I was bored and have them try to kill each other.  GO NINJA GO! (I would like to classify jeans, shoes, tees and sweaters as essential too, but kuch zyada ho jayega!)

4. Similar would be the fate of people trying to make money out of other people’s misfortunes like disease and death

5. But special treatment would be meted out to rapists, child abusers, people who are intolerant, people who are bestial and cruel and curb other’s religious and personal freedom.  They would be put into padded cells in lunatic asylums in solitary confinement.  I think they’re nuts anyway …..  They could wither away frothing in the mouth and talking to themselves.

6.  I am getting increasingly disillusioned and angry with the recent Shiv Sena attack on Shah Rukh Khan over IPL.  These bully boys have to be stopped.  If  I were Empress, those pricks from Shiv Sena would already be in solitary confinement where they could not spew their poison.  The people from the media who are giving them a platform to spread their poison would be in dungeons awaiting their duel to death for my entertainment and the Govt would be sent to the hospital to be physically castrated.  They are morally and spiritually eunuchs anyway, since they allow this nonsense to be replayed again and again.

(Image courtesy www.elfwood.com)

So what are your new year resolutions?

Have you made a list which contains the following

1. Lose Weight

2. Get out of the debt trap

3. Stop smoking

4. Start an exercise routine

5. Join a gym

6. Learn something new – language, skill whatever …..

Errr Halt!  Enough of that

You’ll have cheated on your diet, missed gym and bought the absolutely darling gizmo before you know it.  Happens every February you know

SOME NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS THAT HOPEFULLY WILL WORK

1. “Be yourself, everyone else is taken” Nah I didnt say it, Eleanor Roosevelt did.

2. Act your age, think your age …  Mohammed Ali once said, “If a man of fifty acts like he did when he was twenty, he’s wasted thirty years.”  I would add, don’t try and date the cute bimbette – you wont have anything common once the lust dies.  On second thoughts, go in for the ride, but dont look for a lasting relationship.

3. Fall in love – with yourself, with life, with this world, yeah with someone.  It truly is a wonderful place to be in.  For the die hard cynics – You might as well …. since you aint going any place else soon

4. Do some springcleaning.  Throw away all the bills, the warranty cards for things long since dead and gone.  Keep all the love letters, hand made cards made by your children.

5. Go through the old albums, laugh at the wierd hairstyles and clothes.

In short the only New Year Resolution that works is to live, laugh and love – sincerely with your whole heart.  It is the only way to live

In fact, I would also add, if you wanna hate – do that wholeheartedly too.  Experience the emotion, break a few plates, throw a tantrum, scream … do what you have to – and get it out of your system.

Then you can get back to doing what you  should be doing … living life KING SIZE~~~~~ QUEEN SIZE

HAPPY HOLIDAYS