Some school time memories

That tag I did yesterday stirred up some school time memories.  So here goes …..

I must have been about 12 or 13.  I had a whole lot of brothers, one real and about 9 cousins that I grew up with.  It was wonderful for me, when I was a kid, since I always had playmates, and the rough and tumble of boys’ games suited my tomboyish soul.  However, I grew up and started sprouting breasts.  I was unceremoniously dropped from the team and ordered to behave like a girl.  I hated it and also my stupid brothers.  I thought girls were sissy, and did not like them at all.  So to nurse my wounded pride and to get over their betrayal, I became an introvert and got into the world of books in a big way.  

There was this boy in my class who made my life a living hell.  He was tall for his age, and very very popular.  I was decidedly nowhere near his social status.  I was a geek and hurt many male egos with my over-achieving scholastic ways.  The girls thought I was a snob, and I could not stand their catty sissy ways.  I had too many brothers in the same damn school for any boy to even consider being friendly with me. All in all it made me pretty friendless.

Soumya was a likeable kid, the class clown. I think he had ADD decades before Tare Zameen Par made it fashionable.  He couldn’t sit still and drove all the teachers nuts with his constant wise-cracking and fidgeting.  So they did what any good teacher would do. They sat him beside me, the class swot, in hopes my goody two shoes behaviour would rub off on him.

It didn’t.

He took every opportunity to make fun of me, pull my proverbial pig-tails and make me the butt of his jokes. I was the angrezni, the chashmish (I did not have specs but since I was bookish …..) and the worse of them all, the girl who was flat as a board so he called me “Four-by-Four”.  The damn nickname stuck.

How I hated him. I would see him and cringe and pray every day he would fall ill to some mysterious disease and have to drop out of school thereby never having to sit beside me and needle me with his jabs through out the day.  I would be depressed, sorely tempted to get my elder brothers to bash him up – but I never did.  I was not speaking with them so I endured it.

I also endured it because sometimes,  when no one else was around, he was completely different. He was sweet to me and thoughtful and almost apologetic for his incessant public torture. It made him almost likeable. Almost.

For two years I was stuck with this boy, the boy who made me the laughing stock of our class on more times than I could ever keep count. Then thankfully, his father got transferred to another town.  On his last day in school he walked up to me and said “Hi”.  I just nodded, holding my breath wondering what verbal parting shot he would fire.  I cringed and reminded myself that this was the last class in which I would have to see him or hear his nasty voice.  Man, was I glad to be rid of Soumya, who would tell the class in a loud voice “Ritu does not wear a bra, she is so skinny” or “Ritu’s tiffin spilt on her skirt hahahha.  See there are haldi stains” and tell other girls in my class “No one wants Ritu as his girl friend”. I waited knowing that this was the end of the Soumya chapter.

“Ritu, I just want to apologize to you for all the teasing I did to you in school,” he said in his deepening man voice.

I just grunted.

“I want you to know, I really like you. I’ve enjoyed sitting next to you for the last two years. I wish we were better friends.” I looked at him like he had just grown horns out of his head and stood there tongue-tied. “I only teased you because I had a crush on you.”

Then he walked out of the door, turned around and smiled at me and said, “I teased you to get your attention.” Then he turned around, headed towards the school compound and out of my life.

At the time I was seriously annoyed. I could have thought of a dozen different ways he could have shown his affection for me, none of them which included drawing a plywood piece on the blackboard and naming it Ritu, snooping into my school satchel, peering at the back of my shirt to check whether I was wearing a bra or not.

But I’ve grown older and wiser and I look back on the memory of that smiley curly haired boy who loved his comic books and I see what I was blinded to in the midst of my youth.

Soumya  loved me. He was just a jackass about it.

As for me, life started improving after he left.  I had the desk to myself without having to be careful about it slamming down on my fingers.  Even tiffin would not spill so often which makes me suspect foul play.  I started filling out.  One thing remained the same – I never got along with the girls in my class.  Actually two things – I never got included in my family team of all boys.  These two changes happened in college where I met lovely chilled-out women who I am still friends with, and my cousins started behaving less like chowkidars and more like pals ……. possibly because they wanted to date my female friends.

The power of positive thinking

How do you define a good pal – a good pal is the one who sends you a link to something so delightful as this.

Thanks Jaspal for seeing the inherent wisdom in the article even though you are male and would not know what she is talking about.

I was watching Baghban today.  I had wanted to see it when it was released but my kids would have none of that.  They did not want to be embarassed by me.  Yes, I am a softie and cry in movies.  I normally go for a weep-fest prepared with a box of tissues.  Heck I can even cry at a well presented Ram-Bharat milaap, though its such an overdone subject.  So I sat down with a towel and a huge cup of tea to watch the movie.  I wasn’t dissappointed.

What really impressed me was the quiet dignity displayed by the parents facing the changed circumstances and the realisation that their selfish and thoughtless children have no empathy or love for them.  So what did they do – they turned around the situation by fighting it and by being positive, like the girl on that public forum in front of an all male audience (in that article).

Life is not about being rich or poor, pretty or plain – life is all about attitude.  If we give up, we are finished.  We are not licked until we give up.

A Sunday well spent – a lesson revised.

I have new shiny digs and a new friend

I am very hep and kewl now :D

I am a netizen and own property on the internet.  Yes I am blowing my own trumpet shamelessly.  I belong to a generation that can be called B.I. (Before Internet) and am adapting nicely to the A.I. (after internet) scenario and am feeling quite proud about it.

My friend and accomplice in this entire endeavour has been Mahjabeen of Studio M.  I really admired the header that Mad Momma put up on her blog and so got in touch with Mahjabeen.  I seriously toyed with the idea of uploading a pic of Praveen Babi walking out of water as my header, but was talked out of it.  The argument my family used was creative to say the least

1. You are not Praveen Babi (I know I know)

2. You dont look good in a bikini (Yeah I know, snarl, shut the fuck up)

3. Every time you see the blog it will make you want to race to the gym and bust your ass trying to look like her (sigh! you win, who needs that kind of competition anyway)

So Mahjabeen, who patiently waited for my final instructions got together with me and we settled for a header having me weaving the web with my hands and draping it on the W, Kid#1 in a pilot get up on the runway, Kid#2 (the engineer) with his mechanical gears as a background on the top and the footer has DIL with very arty background as she is the artistic one (interior designer no less) on my web page.

A very big thank you to Mahjabeen who succesfully interpreted my airy, vague, and often incomprehensible suggestions and gave them a concrete visual format.  It has been a wonderful experience interacting with you, my dear.  I have also been enriched by knowing her, she is so polite and approachable.  My mommy would have loved you my dear and would have told me ‘Why cant you be like her?”

I have told my sons that if they dont behave, I’ll put baby pics of them in the nude or dressed in girlie frocks for all eternity on my web page!  After all Mere paas Maa …. oops sorry …. Mahjabeen hai.

I had bought my domain a month or so ago and now the domain had to be shifted on the server.  I swear it was like the final stages of pregnancy.  It took more than 24 hours for the move to be accomplished, and guess who held my hand and told me :

Take it easy Ritu and

  •  
      Inhale through your nose 2-3-4, exhale through your mouth 2-3-4.
      Make sure that you don’t do it too fast.
  • When the contractions become stronger again, and this technique doesn’t seem to cut it anymore, this is what you do:
  •  
      Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee

Yes, it was Mahjabeen helping me every step of the way.  I truly made a new friend. 

Relax, wander about, enjoy the new digs and let me know what you think of it.  Feedback is always appreciated.

I am a big girl now, I can take it.

If I cant, I’ll just find an image of you, get Mahjabeen to photoshop it and dedicate an entire post on you.  Hehehehehe After all Mere paas Maa … hajabeen Hai
:D

No one takes me seriously… sigh!

Let me give you a folk story from North West India …..

In a remote village, a bossy woman lived with her daughter-in-law. Although her son and husband lived with them too, it’s she who held sway over the entire family. One person who was always on her radar was the daughter-in-law. Like most mothers-in-law she used to point out flaws in almost everything her daughter-in-law did. As this woman took her role so seriously this reforming activity fast became a habit. The habit brought in her the ingenuity to find faults where they were none.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

One day while her daughter-in-law was preparing dough for the rotis (bread made out of wheat flour), to be cooked for the dinner, she stared at her rather furiously. When the daughter-in-law reacted with a questioning expression, pat came her reply—why do you move so much while making the dough?

Now I am sure it sounds familiar

Such absolute power.  Not one daughter in law could afford to ignore that mother in law.

I got this lovely invite in the mail

I sent it promptly to the DIL (in my defence I sent it to a whole lot of people including her)

She promptly rings me up from her work place and cant speak because she’s laughing her guts out. 

“Mom, trying to become a regular mother-in-law like Lalita Pawar are you?  You can’t so forget it”

Humph!  No one takes me seriously. Sigh ……………………..

IFB – Washing Machine from Hell

How did you spend Dussehra?

I got up and did the laundry …….. manually.  Yes it means that I woke up at seven and was washing clothes till 12 noon.  My laundry list consisted of 5 double bed sheets, 2 double bed covers, 7 towels apart from small itsy bitsy stuff.

About 3 weeks ago my machine went kaput.  I have an AMC for the machine.  So I did not panic and just rang up the call centre.  They were efficient and sent me the complaint number by sms.  I was cool and thought they would come within 48 hours.  After a couple of days I again rang up.  They told me they have no record.  Huh, then how did they sms me a complaint number?  The person had no idea.  So I was given another complaint number and assured that they would attend to the complaint within 24 hours.  Well that did not happen either.  I again rang up and they kept assuring me that this would be attended the very next day.

One interesting thing I noticed was that every call centre guy or woman I talked to had a South Indian accent.  Do they have a North Indian call centre for South Indian complaints?  After much persuasion I was given the cell number of their Manager in Delhi – who never picks up his phone.  Three days ago one of their service engineers rang me up and told me he would be at my residence by 5 p.m.  I believed him – yes I do have blonde bimbette moments.

I am aching all over and looking like death warmed up.  Guess what, I should have taken the IFB service centre, call centre, Area Manager and who-ever else I could bundle up, stood them up instead of Ravan effigies and burnt them down.

This is not the first time this has happened.  My sons are telling me to take them to Consumer Court.  I would much prefer burning the bastards alive.  Needless to say I will never ever buy a fully automatic washing machine from IFB

In defense of profanity

I am a cusser

I can totally empathise with Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird when she asks her family to pass the damn ham at the dining table.  Even Pappu Cant Dance Saala makes sense to me.  When my sons started learning cuss words – I did not freak out, I just told them that cuss words were a part of language and expression, they just had to learn where to use the word for total and effective impact

My personal foray into the land of profane vocabulary started at the age of eight when I called my brother a ch#$%ya since he was being a pesky brat.  My mother had a meltdown.   I got spanked and then was hauled in front of my father – who explained to me that cursing shows lack of breeding and it also shows that the cusser does not have a good vocabulary.  I did not get it.  I’m like that heh.  It seemed to me that there was one hell of a lot of vocabulary in cuss words just waiting to be used.  But getting my backside paddled did breed discretion into me and cuss words got taken to the playground out of parental earshot.

I never ever heard my father use any cussword in his entire life – but we had servants with juicy vocabulary which was far more interesting than the refined language used at home.  And then there were those boys in the playground – with all their interesting words!!!!  Bhajji’s “Teri Maa Ki” sounds so natural.  My father got transferred all over the country and us kids got a Bharat Darshan sponsored by our government.  Every language spoken had its own charm and its own rustic cuss words – we siblings picked up so many of them and it became a game to see if we could slip one unawares in front of the parents.  If we succeeded, we earned mucho brownie points in the eye of the other!  If caught, we just faced the music and soldiered on.  Once (when I was an adult and mother of two kids) I was hopping mad at some one and said “Uski To” in front of my mother who promptly added “Bhagwan bhala kare” probably sensing a chance to save my soul from divine retribution.  In my totally fucking out of control  tame adolescence I think I made her angry many times and then she could come out with profanities that would absolutely dazzle me.  Oh wow! I remember thinking after one tirade from her, I never knew she had it in her.

My particular favorites are varied, depending upon the occaision, and I reject that cursing is a sign of inferior intellect.  I mean, anyone who can weave together such lowbrow expressions into something solid, descriptive, and artistic? Well that’s just amazing.  Suppose someone overtakes me on a busy highway from the wrong side, the satisfaction it gives my soul to brandish a finger and say “Saala bhe#$@d”, well that is Better Than Booze.  Slipping a “fuck” in, under the radar? Come on, people, that is the stuff of legend!

Someone once told me that I was a pain to deal with.  I smiled, put on my very upper crust convent educated accent and drawled “That’s a shame, you’re a pleasure.  Fuckuverymuch and have a wonderful day!”  I swear upon all that’s holy, communication does not GET any better than that.  Does it?

Drona, A review

People I saw Drona yesterday ……..

You guys are supposed to hand me Asprin, a towel and fan me while a flop on the couch.

You know the feeling one gets when one has bland khichri for lunch when one is not sick?  You aren’t hungry but you are not sated?  Well, that’s the feeling I got when I walked out of the movie hall. 

It has this lovely lady with a great body (Priyanka) who does the most awesome stunts (She is Drona’s bodyguard), you have lovely special effects (though heavily inspired by Harry Potter) and Kay Kay Menon as the villian Rys Raizada – I liked his acting.  The other two were heavily spaced out.  I have yet to see more wooden characters …..  Abhishek needs to work with real directors who can bring out his skills – he was great in Guru where he reminded me of his mother’s talent.  And he needs to lose weight.  Seriously who ever heard of a superhero with a paunch?

Wonder why every thing Priyanka had to say started with “Babuji kehte the”? Lady, Tum kya kehti ho?  The movie has its good points but is too patchy.  If you took out the songs – which have nothing to do with the story at all, reduced the length of the movie and bullied the main leads to emote dammit – it would have been good.  As such it was boring.

I liked the sequence where they go to a mythical place called Raazpur … that was interesting

There were some young kids who had come with their parents to see the movie and loved it.  I dunno …

Kid#1 : This movie should have been called Rona instead of Drona.  Abhishek keeps feeling sorry for himself.

Kid#2 : (in tones of deep distaste) Abhishek was playing the role of Priyanka’s wife!

(Note to self : Lady you have given birth to a chauvanist pig, kick yourself) 

My verdict :

  • Goldie Behl should stop having anything to do with Bollywood
  • Who ever wrote the dialogues of the movie aught to be shot
  • Kay Kay as the clownish villain saved the day
  • Priyanka rocks – but she better be careful of the movies she picks up

Bad Restaurant – Fantastic Undergrad Humour

We went to try a popular restaurant in the area …. ever since Kid#1 has grown up, our choices of places to eat out depends on the quality and prices of the liquor served and the snacks.  We can totally do a drinks and snacks thing – giving regular food a miss.  I have been doing the abandoned mother act rather well, I totally overloaded my kids on guilt (insert evil mother smile) so they took me out for this dinner.

The restaurant was okay as far as ambience and booze n food go – pricey but okay.  What I did not like was the music – loud and dhinchak.  Why oh why do places play loud Himesh Reshammiya and such like music.  Chadhti bhi nahin …. sigh!  Kid#2 started playing sms-sms with some one – Damn the network providers and their free sms schemes.   Kid#1 and DIL started whispering stuff to each other (awwww) and I started eavesdropping on some undergraduate kids on a table close to ours – their conversation was crazy

UG1 : Why does it feel as though I’ve come to a Wedding

UG2 : Nah Its not a wedding, can’t see any bride or groom.  And where are the uncles and aunties?

UG1 : Uhhhh such a sad joke …

UG2 : (Nudging the other and looking at a particularly depressed looking couple) Bride ke Papa Mummy lagte hain

UG1 : Kahan?  Oh okay … arrey haan, and those (indicating an overweight and jolly looking family) are the groom’s side – dahej mil raha hai bhai, lots of it!

After that they both got busy ordering beers and checking all the other tables, eyeing the PYTs in the place.  After about ten minutes or so the conversation started again ….

UG2 : You know what, I think that chick really likes me.  She is checking me out

UG1 : You know what, I think tu zyada dimag laga raha hai.  Get your eyes tested

UG2 : Abby nahin yaar – just wait, she’ll look at me again

UG1 : Haan when we get up, she’ll follow us to the hostel too.  (Humming the Hutch song) You and I in this beautiful world …….

UG2 : C’mon yaar, I’m serious

UG1 : Abby haan yaar, uske bhai bhi tereko dekh rahe hain, hahahahhaha.  I would run away fast, if I were you hahahahahaha, Kat le tu, kat le

UG2 : I’m not scared haan

UG1 : Haan tu toh hero hai, pakka superman.  I better go home. Tu ne to bachna nahin

UG2 : Haan run away, run away – but pay your bill before you go. Huh baat karta hai …..

UG1 : Haan chal bhai, Good to know you, accha aadmi tha …..

Wish I could have eavesdropped more – but at this point I found the whole family giving me icy cold glares – since I was chuckling into my drink

Thanks boys for the entertainment you provided

Cheers!!!

Txting … WTH???

Or perhaps I mean WTF. 

 

One of the reasons I got on to Facebook and Orkut is to keep track of my boys ….. srsli. Cue for some spy flick music …..

 

And I truly fear for the future of our country when I see how these kids talk … er, write … to each other.

 

But this exchange really does take it to the ultimate …..

 

Friend 1 : dere???? and wht time do cum online…let me knw

 

Kid#2 : yaar im so sori …da thing is i have been really busy wid wrk and colg….so didnt get any time,,,but will surely call u…u tell me hws ur colg goin …enjoyinn

 

Friend : so hows lyf going on

 

Kid#2 : dis and dat. U tell

 

Friend : Wat?

 

Kid#2 : Wassup?

 

Friend : tom can u coll me?

 

Kid#2 : ya – lotz hapnin, lets cachup

 

Editors Note : This is a boy who has totally pissed me off by repeating “Nothing” continuously to all my questions about his life and college.  Humph! To continue with the conversation

 

Friend : letz meet at xxxxxx around xxxx

 

Kid#2 : okzzzzzz no prob

 

Please remember that I have graduate and post graduate degrees in English literature, write as a hobby and draft killer speeches and letters in my working life. Spelling, grammar, punctuation — these things are my world.

And my world? It is about to go flying off its axis if kids these days don’t freakin’ learn to SPELL!

Sigh. Ok. I’m dun now.

Bi.

 

 

Reasons why men and women get along … or have to

Today is a wonderful day.  The Accounts are busy – so no one’s bothering me for obscure data.  My Boss aka Mogambo has not come in and not called me even once.  Sure gives me an unflattering estimate of my importance in the company – but WTF, the pay is good.  So I am doing what I enjoy most – blogging, hehehe on company time.

I came upon this news article which says there are 78 differences between women and men.  WTF? 78!!!!

You know why men and women have to get along? Apart from the fact that it is only by being together they can make babies I’ll be danged if I know why.  What I do realise is that life without having men to piss me off would have been boring.  Differences as I see them …. (Disclaimer – This is partly true if not totally so )
:D

 

Communication : DIL comes home and launches on to a long and detailed talk about what her boss said, how a colleague reacted, how the designing skills (she’s an interior designer) of so and so sucks etc etc.  Son comes home and you ask “How was your day?” Reply “Good”, and you try again “So what did you do” Reply “Nothing”  Suddenly he becomes aware of two pairs of female eyes boring into him and he looks up from the fridge that he’s exploring, is totally confused and says “What’s with you women anyway?”

Clothes : Men don’t discard clothes.  Somehow the older the jacket is, the more they is attached to it.  It becomes an old pal and provides comfort to its male owner.  There is a Stetson which has not been worn in recent memories – but it will not be discarded.  DIL and I are considering murdering and burying it in the jungle in the dead of the night.  One day we just might commit this crime.  Please bail us out when we do it.  We women on the other hand think clothes are radioactive with a cupboard life of a season.  We do everything to consume the said clothes before the “Best Before” date, so that we avoid contamination.

Making Friends : When B and I met for the first time 30 years ago, we really hit it off and by the end, we knew that we would be friends.  We had our ups and downs but we are friends and we say so.  Kid#1 has a childhood mate, born in the same lane that we lived in four months after Kid#1.  They meet every weekend,  they will confess stuff they wont even admit to themselves, bail each other out, support each other in times of trouble call each other names but they never say they are friends.  I guess 30 years down the line they will get totally drunk and one of them will say ” You know, for some one who’s such an asshole, you’re okay”.

Gossip with others of same sex : Guys talk about cricket, WWE, cars, money and women.  They dont know that much cricket, wrestling or even what is under the bonnet of their own cars.  They dont have the kind of money they love to talk about and they lie about their escapades with women.  Women talk about clothes, mother in laws, scandalous stuff in the neighbourhood and sex.  And their talk about sex is detailed and graphic and the total truth.

Handling break-ups : When a relationship ends, a woman will cry her heart out, call other women friends and pour her heart out, bitch, eat chocolate, write a long prose or poem titled “All Men Are Jerks” and then get it out of her system with a shopping binge.  Then she gets on with life.  Men cant.  First its difficult for them to admit its over.  Then after six months of the break up, one drunken night, totally sozzled they’ll call up the woman at 2 and weep and rant ” I hate you, you totally ruined my life.  You are a floozy/bitch/barracuda.  I’ll never forgive you.  But I want you to know there’s still a chance for us”. 

Weddings : Guys get married for a regular sex life.  Women get married for the ceremony, the shopping and the jewellery.  Dont bash me up C’mon admit it!  We love the ceremony and the dolling up.  Oh yes, we also get married because our parents put insane pressure on us to get married.

Sex : This is from the link given above : Women use sex to get what they want.  Men cant, because sex is what they want.  The truth is that sex is the main thing on a man’s mind, whereas relationship is what is on the woman’s mind.

Cleanliness : Men can not see clutter or dust even if it danced a jig and sang in high falsetto.  Women can see dust on pelmets and behind the curtains.  Actually men can not see pelmets or curtains either.

Fear Factor : Women fear the intangibles, the dark, being alone, looking fat, other women’s opinions.  Men fear the tangibles … their wives and mothers – and may be death and disease

Bling : Women love shiny expensive stuff like gold and diamonds, glitter, bright colours and cuddly toys.  Normally men run a mile to avoid them