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I wrote this poem when I was barely more than a child myself and I had my first son …. it does not rhyme ….. but I would not change the words for anything in this world

Sometimes it’s that back pain
Those countless sleepless nights
Sometimes its sore nipples
And stitches in sensitive places

Sometimes its weight gain and dark circles
Of course its poopy diapers, smell of sour milk
It’s a dusty messy home, toys and feeders scattered
Its uncooked dinners, and a sink full of dishes

And then there are tears, sometimes the baby’s
But very often it’s me who is crying
But when I look at him, my heart bursts
I’m sure it will splatter around this messy room

I love him, more than anything, anyone
Sometimes motherhood is sheer joy
Sometimes it’s a milk soaked night shirt
Which I have to change in the middle of the night

Old readers of my blog would know that at home Kid#1 and Moi are the ‘cookers’ and Kid#2 and DIL the ‘eaters’. Works well for us, more since DIL (smart goil) threatens to feed us meals made by her. Mercifully she hasnt made good her threat. Hmm Yeah she made Egg Onion Bake which was okay. She made chicken once and it was HOT. We had to call the fire brigade Phew!!! It was tasty though. 2 dishes in three years – she needs to make one more dish, to make it one dish a year. Must tell her! But I digress

My attitude towards cooking is : Meal is on the table. I am eating. You guys can eat when you want to. I finish my meal and get back to my computer or TV or whatever …..

Kid#1 is harmonal. I am not kidding at all. He freaks out and when he is cooking no one hangs around the kitchen. He is holy terror. Once he has laid the table and put food, you are, at the pain of death, supposed to drop everything and hot-foot to the table, or he will sulk, throw a tantrum and make life unpleasant.

Yesterday I wandered into the kitchen and decided that I would have a sinful breakfast. Yeah I get that mood, and when I get it, I never get to eat anything good, fattening and sinful. Sulk Sulk

I checked the freezer and there were these thick yummy looking hot dogs lying there, and I pulled them out. Kid#1 landed up

Kid#1 : What you doin?

Me : Breakfast time, I want something that takes time digesting. I dont want oatmeal today

Kid#1 ; Snatching the packet out of my hand : Those are not sausages, they are chorizo

Me : Trying to unsuccesfully grab the pack : They look like sausage and I wanna eat it.  I like eating stuff I dont know how to spell

Kid#1 : Shoo! Shoo!  I am doing breakfast

Me : Not liking being shooed out of the kitchen : Okay I’ll make me some chow mein.  Want some ?(while picking up the packet of fresh noodles fm the fridge)

Kid #1 : Snatching that damn thing out of my hand too : This is unhealthy, throw it

Me : This was tantrum time : I LIKE IT.  I wont throw it! (and I huffily stomped into my room)

5 minutes later the most divine smell came from the kitchen.  I landed up there, and seeing that Kid#1 wasnt around I decided to taste a slice of the whatchamacallit sausage look alike.  My bad luck, Kid#1 caught me in the act and freaked out.  He stopped cooking and went up in a huff.

I ate a slice of bread with a glass of milk – told ya about the “wanting to eat sinful stuff and not getting to”.  Kid#2 wisely stayed in his room.  DIL scolded Kid#1 for being harmonal and me for …… being me I guess

I went off to spend quality time with an old female friend.

Today the maid packed some of that scrambled egg with sausage thingy in my lunch.  Dahlins it was delicious.  Well I cant let it go – can I?

Rang up Kid#1

Me : Hey that thing u made for breakfast was yummy

Kid#1 : Its called chorizo and I am not gonna talk about it

Me : The maid packed it in my lunch box – its delicious

Kid#1 : (Coldly) I did not eat it and we shall not talk about it

Me : Your bad luck.  Its not as though you got your chums or are preggers.  I am menopausal and even I dont throw such tantrums.  Tell you, its yummy

Kid#1 : We shall not talk about it, like I said

Me : But we are …..  Its yummy

Silence …………………….

Me : Have I irritated you enough

Kid#1 : Wish you were my age and I could curse you

Me : You wanna use the F word?

Kid #1 : Phone disconnected

Man!  Sometimes having kids to torture is such fun!!!!

1.  Eat burnt toast with a smile

2. Eat the half eaten biscuit that your infant kid lovingly feeds you happily

3. Wake up in the middle of the night to rock the infant to sleep or tend the loved one.

4. Eat artery choking food served by over-hospitable people with a smile while cringing inside and reminding oneself that it is hospitality, not hostility.

5. Tolerate the plunking of guitar strings all the goddamn time, even at 2 a.m., and even pay for the damn guitar lessons just because offspring has musical aspirations.

6. Go attend parties hosted by those people just because husband finds them interesting.

7. Assure the husband that he is not balding, just having a bad hair day

8. Assure the wife that she is not putting on weight on her butt, its just the color/cut of the dress she is wearing that makes her look fat.

9. Convince her that you did not notice the old school mate who still looked hot while she is pleasantly rounded due to having kids etc.

10. Walk all the floors of the mall along with spouse searching for the dress and the shoes that will make or break her/his all important appearance.

11. Look lovingly impressed when your tone deaf spouse sings you a love ode

12. Take second helpings of some horrible meal cooked by your spouse because he/she made the effort though every fibre of your digestive track revolts.

What are the things you have done for love?

THE THEATRE CALLED LIFE

I know I know … y’all think I am getting morbid in my not-so-old age!!! LOL that is not so.  But getting to this age … and watching a whole lot of people departing has brought me face to face with the politics of mourning.

There are people who walk into the bereaved house looking sombre

There are others who come in, blank faced …. ohhhh they dont wanna be there, they square their shoulders and steel themselves.  It is a chore, they check if people have noted their presence and then they beat a hasty retreat!

And the strange thing is that though no one is marking attendance, every one’s presence is duly noted and lots of venom is reserved for folks who do not turn up.

I am floored by a relative though.  A distant relative of ours had passed on.  And the lady needed a lift.  Since I had to go to the bereaved house myself, I agreed to pick her up.  We chatted all through the way.  She even got me to stop at Sunder Nagar and we had the most awesome chaat.  Then we landed at the house ……, and she burst into inconsolable tears.

OH MY GOD!!!!  She beat the most accomplished actresses at the demonstration of grief.  Here I was guiltily licking imli chutney off my fingers while watching her performance … quite over-awed!  And then it dawned on me that she actually set off others crying too.  Gosh!

I have seen it time and again.  People – mostly of the female variety carry within them deep pools of grief …. and this they use to mourn at others’ losses.  No one is actually mourning the departure of the person himself.  Every one gathers together and then weeps for their own losses, their own sorrows.  I am sure it is cathartic and extremely good therapy.

First women gather around the bereaved wife/mother/sister/daughter and wail.  It would seem that they are inconsolable.  Then they slowly move away and start exchanging news : who died where, how much did he leave, what was the daughter in law doing, so and so’s son cleared his exam and is now earning xxxx amount of money.   It is amazing – this carnival of life.

Men come in looking serious.  They sit with the bereaved men of the house solemn …. for about 10 minutes.  Then they gather outside and discuss stuff – beginning with what they were doing when they got the news, speculate about who is going to fill the dead person’s shoes and then they start discussing shares and politics.

A good friend calls it the “On stage look and behavior and Off stage look and behavior”.

Glad to know that I am not the only one who has this modern day need to be brutally honest and tactless.

43 year old Chander Mohan, son of former Haryana Chief Minister Bhajan Lal, and the Deputy Chief Minsiter of the same state goes underground for 3 months.

He resurfaces as Chand Mohammad, married to the Additional Advocate General of Haryana, Anuradha Bali who has also converted into Islam and is named Fiza

They both lose everything for love, their influential positions.  He gets disowned by his embarassed family (I think he lost more), and in any case he is in deep shit with his wife and grown children.

They put on a brave front and smile for the cameras.  P.S. The lady is very very good looking.

Reality settles in.  I suppose once the euphoria died down and he realized the cost of this step, he wanted to back-step.  They have a passionate fight, he walks out, she overdoses on some pills in a bid to commit suicide.

She is rushed to the hospital.  Her new hubby is nowhere to be seen.  Once she recovers, she holds a tearful press conference telling people that he has broken her heart and her trust – dammit she looks lovely and brave fighting tears.  News is that he has gone to first wife to make up.

Today Chander Mohan aka Chand Mohammad is in the news saying he loves her dearly but “respects” his first wife too.

Ekta my dear …. are you following this real life drama?

My suggestions for the soap

1. Fiza (yeah, it sounds more lovely than Anuradha) has a great future.  Enter mentor to boost her morale up …. A Whoopie Goldberg kind of character

2. Dont make her a Tulsi kind of person.  She does not have that steel.  Make her sweet (capitalize on that smile honey).  Get her a book deal on her life.  She can go on shows and stuff – beauty bhi toh kaam aaye

3. The ‘wronged woman thing” does not have long innings.  She could get a career path with some Naari Manch or the National Commission for Women …. but its boring.  However if she plays her cards right – a movie by someone like Mahesh Bhatt?  Ekta, you could get someone to play her sympathiser while giving her a movie deal, what say?

4. I saved this one for the last – because here is what I would do if I were writing this saga

• She is neither married nor un-married
• She is neither Hindu nor Muslim

I would make her a religious guru kind of person.  She has classy beauty, a natural flamboyance and great skin that does not need too much make up.  As a guru for women, she would come out beautiful.  She can campaign against the Hindu fundamentalists, the Muslim fundamentalists.

Lady don’t cry – you have a great life ahead of you.

All hail our leader, the woman scorned

MAHA NARI ANURADHA FIZA KI JAI

Disclaimer : I am not a political person, nor do I have anything against the people involved.  They chose to live their personal life in front of the media.  I am just a spectator with opinions.

I read Nimmy’s blog ,   “How easy is it to undergo a divorce?”  With due respect to Nimmy, I have big problems with the title of the blog entry – divorce never is and never will be easy – any where in the world.  It is hard, it is painful and it is lonely.  Brittney Spears had a tough time getting one, Madonna paid wagonloads of money to get hers, and these are women of stature and substance.  Men have it equally hard.  It costs, in terms of emotion, in terms of loss, in terms of stability and also financially.

Let us be practical here.  To get a divorce there are certain things I had to do:

• Admit that there is something wrong.  The love has turned into ashes or that the relationship has become toxic.  It hurts and shakes you up.  My self confidence was down in the ditches
• Do something about it – try to rebuild the love, try to make the marriage work, use every avenue, every leverage –  parents, in-laws, siblings, friends – yes even the kids to help kickstart the marriage.  It worked for a while – but when the centre does not hold – peripherals dont work
• Admit defeat and go into depression – I did that.  Hoo boy – was I drama queen or what?  I wept, I moped, I wandered around like a Main Bechari.
• Do something about it – this involved divorce.  I frankly did not have the guts.  My marriage lasted eighteen long years.  My life was in shambles and the price I paid in terms of self worth and the psychological impact it had on my elder son was very expensive.

Is it easy?  No it is not.  I never re-married.  It was not for lack of choice.  I simply can not and will not hand over the controls of my life and my happiness into some one else’s whimsical hands.  I am too traumatised and scared to do that.  That is the biggest price I have paid.  I watched my son become a problem kid.  I watched him get into fights and get into bad and violent company.  His parents were too busy settling scores with each other.  One day, he was just a kid,  he came and asked me if I would protect him if he did something really wrong like sell drugs or kill someone.  That got me out of my “self pity stupor” and forced me to act, if not for myself – at least for the sake of my children.  I walked out of my marriage.  It never was easy.  I had to rebuild life – starting with roof over my head to gas connection to furniture etc etc.

The important thing here is that one has to accept that I am in this alone. Parents are old and do not want the added responsibility of a daughter with children and legal issues.  They have married off their daughter and would prefer that she stays that way.  Friends dont want to be involved, and if they are, they hate taking sides.  So you lose your friends.  Relatives would love to gossip and if they do talk to you, they are gathering masala to fuel the gossip fires.

This is a male dominated society with laws that are skewed totally to favour the woman.  I know you are having a WTF moment here.  Bear with me.  All the laws are so designed that they give all the breaks to the woman.  The entire neighbourhood, the cops, the lawyers are products of a society that would love to favour the man.  It leads to total confusion.  In my case, this led to years and years of legal procedures.  We called it quits when one son was 10 and the other was two, were declared seperated when my elder son was 15 and younger son was 7.  We were formally divorced when my elder one was 19 and younger one was 11.

My ex wanted the divorce but did not want to come to court or get caught in the alimony and compensation web.  So he stayed out of it.  Ultimately he was declared “absconding and untraceable’ and that is what is written on the divorce papers.

You know what we did that day?  Me and the boys went out and celebrated.  We got royally drunk and ate too much!  It was such a relief.   Then I rang up ex and told him it was over.  He was relieved too.  He had remarried six months after we had broken up – yeah, when the kids were 10 and 2 years old.  His wife was giving him hell about the legal thingy.  I dont grudge him that.  I could have done the same – he could not have objected, since he was sailing in the same boat.  The choice to remain single was mine.

It is not easy to get a divorce.  It is not easy to live the life of a divorcee – where people think you are easy and available.  It is not easy to raise kids as a single parent.  But it is harder on a person to stay in a marriage which has ended.  I dont put any value on legal papers so to say.  Ex married six months after we seperated.  That does not mean his marriage is not valid.  It is more valid than ours was while the case was being fought.

Marriage is a partnership and I think it becomes null and void the day its basic tenets of love, trust and mutually shared goals is compromised.  After that one is living a lie.  The children living with such parents are also affected.  I look at my kids today with pride.  They are positive, responsible, well behaved and loving.  We have lived a good life.

No one said life would be easy – especially after the divorce.  The only thing that kept me going was the thought that “Why the hell should a 30 year old pay the price for a mistake she committed at age 17?”  It has been one hell of a ride – but damn it, it has been eventful and totally worth it.

Any one remember the lovely Snowhite?

The babe who kept house for seven dwarves

Named Happy, Sneezy, Dopey and Doc

Grumpy, Bashful, Sleepy – the names rock

But before getting kissed 

By her prince on the lips

She had to eat the poisoned apple

Dont ask, I did not write the fable

I too met the seven dwarves

Only these came with menopause

Itchy, bitchy, bloated and sweaty

Psycho, forgetful and sleepy

Ah well, I guess I got a lucky break.  The doctor decided that it was time for organ donation because of various complications I was having.  Like every thing else in my life, this shocker came without any mental preparation.  I was supposed to go for Bhai Dooj to a cousin’s home.  He rang up and said lets all get together for dinner.  I had time to spare, so decided to go for a check up, since I was having problems.  I landed up at the hospital, with gifts, mithai and pooja thali for my bhai dooj neatly packed in the back seat of my car.  Talk about not being in the mood .

The gynae was waiting for me, it seemed.  She was like – Rani, kithey jaa rahi hai, hunh bai jaa (translation – Lady where are you off to, now sit down).  So I rang up the kids, who packed up an overnighter for me and landed up at the hospital.

The very next day I had a surgery and have come home sans uterus and ovaries, and stitches on the stomach.

You know what the crazy thing is?

Now I feel happy.  I met the 7 nasty menopausal dwarves – lived with them for a year, and along with the organ donation, I think I left them at the hospital.  I feel more balanced, cheerful and calm.  

Guess what?  I had the classic great escape.  I side-stepped meano-pause

I too met the seven dwarves

Only these came with menopause

Itchy, bitchy, bloated and sweaty

Psycho, forgetful and sleepy

Now you guys can kiss my ass

Mood swings, I’ll give you a pass

The Maharastra Government gave its green signal to amend Section 125 of Criminal Procedure Code (CrPC) which seeks to protect the pecuniary interests of the ‘other woman’. However, it would need the Centre’s stamp of approval to become a law. Live in relations will finally become legal in India and wives out of wedlock will become “heirs” along with their children. The caste and dowry system will vanish for ever. Education system of filling up of forms will change as well. Questions wherein one had to fill in the father’s name now will have just the guardian’s name. The sacrament of marriage will become inconsequential as it is made null and void by the court of India.

A relative sent this rather hysterical exerpt to me, apparently its on a blog somewhere.  Yeah I know what bigamy means, and I know this legislation is making people, specially wives insecure.  At the very outset, before I start getting hate mail, let me tell you that my sons and I know exactly what the consequences of “other women” and “other wives” is.  We have seen it up close and personal, and suffered it.

But puhlees consider …. does it make any effin’ difference?  

Sociologists and anthropologists tell us that men are polygamous by nature.  They cant help it.

The reasons for such behaviour are creative to say the least.

Some of them “fall in love” with another woman and cant let go of their wives.  

Some men think that the more women they have slept with, the more “face’ they have.  Its a self esteem thing.  

Some “sexy sirens” are so manipulative that they ensnare the poor dear with their charms.  

Some other “main bechari” types need the dashing man’s protection.  It is chivalry, you see, they have to take care of this poor lonely female.  

Some men think that since they are successful and rich, they “can afford” two or more wives and families.  They also give examples of the kings of yester-years and say, we can afford it.

So people, specially wives, freak on, rave and rant – it isn’t going to make an effin’ difference.  This world will continue to spin on its slightly tilted axis, and never mind if a few families get derailed in the process.

I do not think bigamy per se is evil.  If both the wives know and accept this situation, it is absolutely okay.  The man is legally and morally bound to provide for both the ladies and all his children.  Of course, the man deserves it.

He deserves the freakingly high phone bills

He deserves the living and housing expenses, specially the utility bills

He deserves the college expenses

He deserves to be yelled at by both his wives (preferably simultaneously with stereophonic sound effects)

He deserves the politics that arise out of two women competing to outdo each other

He deserves to sleep on the couch twice as much since both of them have a headache

Most of all, he deserves to have two mother-in-laws.

My Kid#2 is all grown up.  He went on his very first date today.  Sigh!!!!!!

He’s gone out earlier – but always in a group.   Today was the first time he took a girl out for the evening.  People say Awwwwww

He was nervous.  His coffee date was at 5 pm and he was ready by three ( jeans and a nice summery shirt, Nike sneakers, mobile phone with blue tooth, Ipod, PSP – I dont know why all of his gizmos but those were his accessories) and he got his car washed twice, cleaned up all the car from the inside and even bought flowers (yellow roses).

DIL was active participant.  It did my heart good to see major advise being asked and being dispensed.  It also took all effort on my part to not crack up at the proceedings.  I have a corny sense of humour you see, and I can not reconcile the image of a tiny baby still fresh in my mind with this grown up boy young man taking a girl he finds special out for a date.

Kid#2 :  Bhabhi do I look okay

DIL : Change your socks, and show me your nails

Kid#2 : Okay

Editors Note : I am awed, he would have killed me if I had suggested anything like that.  He quickly ran to his room and I gave DIL a thumbs up while she signalled a V with her hand

DIL : Okay remember, dont talk too much.  Listen to her.

Kid#2 : I dunno, girls keep on talking all the time

DIL :  Yes, and you have to listen, if you want any more dates with her

Kid#2 : We are going to Barrista ……

DIL : Bad idea.  Take her to Costa Coffee.  Barrista is cheap.

Kid#2 : Ewwwww (Probably seeing this week’s pocket money flying away)

DIL : You want another date?

Kid#2 : Okay Okay!  What do I order?

DIL : (Smiling) You dont, ask her to order.

Kid#2 : Mommmmm, give me next week’s pocket money in advance.

Me : On one condition – you will tell me every single thing that happened when you return.

Kid#2 : No way!  You’re joking

Me : Evil Smile

DIL : Mommmmm, that is unfair.  You are evil

Me : Evil Smile

Both of them glare at me.  I surrender and hand over next week’s pocket money.

Bye, little one.  Have a wonderful evening ……

Sigh!  They grow up so fast!

This is not a politically correct post – but then I am a politically incorrect person who has lived a topsy turvy life – so you can’t expect me to be prim and proper, and only talk about socially accepted issues.

I got a call yesterday from a friend of mine and we talked late into the night.  This lady has grown up children and a husband …. and she was depressed because her mother was coming to live with her for a week.  She is uncomfortable because her mother has always shown her disapproval of the kind of person this lady is.  Now, this lady is over 45 years of age, well educated, has a good career and has raised and educated her children who are decent kids.

A very young colleague of mine was widowed last year.  She moved in with her parents (which I had thought was a big mistake) and now hates her mother completely.  Her mother finds fault with everything she does, and then snoops into her cellphone, mail box and even her accounts.  She has bought herself a flat and is planning to shift during Dussehra.  Her parents are fuming because they hate the idea of a 30 year old woman living alone with her children.

The closest bond in a family is perhaps the mother and daughter bond. A bittersweet relationship, it goes through many ups and downs but you know that no matter how much you fight, when you have to face the world, you will be one!  Some mothers and daughters like me are not so lucky though. They end up with strained relationships, which either get resolved years later or never at all!

Mothers are very critical of their daughters and tend to be relaxed and easy going with their sons.  My mother would criticise my cooking, my weight, my choice in clothes, the way I talked, sat and walked.  She would openly talk about the bad choices I made in life (given the life I’ve lived, I sure made it easy for her heh!) with every one including my sons, colleagues, friends and even my maid.  We were at war most of the time with a bit of uneasy truce thrown in.  At first she gave me hell for getting married (she was absolutely right).  She blessed us only when I was smart enough(?) to have a son.  Dont ask me, I still havent understood how my brain got involved in the process.  Humph.  Any way ….. and then she gave me hell for my divorce.  She pushed/cajoled/bulied me and ex into having the second baby, knowing fully well that the marriage was breaking up.  She used tears …. we had lost a young boy (my brother) and we needed more family members etc etc.  Afterwards she blamed me for having two kids and then leaving them to go and work.  I had to – who would feed them?  She lived with me for the last 12 years of her life, in which I supported/funded … whatever ……. and she was never grateful or even decent about it.  It hurt her ego as a parent to acknowledge that her daughter could be capable of supporting a family.  Especially the daughter who, in her opinion, was a disaster.  Her basic tragedy was that her son died and her daughter lived.  She said it very openly in the first few months after my brother’s death … and then showed it in countless petty ways later.  I guess she would have been able to make her son dance to her whims – her daughter she never understood or approved of, and so could not manipulate.  Bullying never worked with me ever ….

Why is it that some parents do not realise that the umblical cord is cut at birth.  The child you give birth to is not a mindless clone or puppet to ape you or dance to your tune.  He/she is another person with ideas, dreams, drives that can be very different from yours.  Why is it that some parents never realise that all the child actually needs is parental approval of his/her worth as a person and unconditional love and understanding.  Some parents withhold their approval of the major decisions in their childrens’ lives i.e. the choice of career and the choice of mate.  Many young people do get married or pursue their chosen path inspite of all that.  It creates such a big wedge in the relationship.  Who ever gave parents the idea that they own their children dammit?  We are at the best guardians, and at the least caretakers of these young people who share their lives with us.  We as parents are blessed to have these young people sharing their energetic and vibrant selves with us for a part of their lives. 

Dont get me wrong, my mother was a very nice lady.  She was an excellent home maker, great cook, a very affectionate and caring grandmother and had tremendous leadership qualities.  In another age, she would have been upper management in some corporate set up.  Her problem was that she never realised that I was not her clone and would never be so.  She also could not accept the fact that women can live a perfectly respectable and healthy life without a husband and that divorce does not automatically make a woman cheap.

There was a movie starring Rekha called Khoobsurat.  The mother (Dina Pathak) in that movie reminded me of my mother.