Tag Archives: DIL

Halp! My words come and bite me in the ….

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My elder son has gone and I already feel the absence!

Yeah I know he’s just a phone call away …..   I also know that I have told him in all sorts of ways that he can leave and settle down anyplace in the world and its okay with me!  In fact I have told this to both the kids.  No I am not being a bitch – but I truly believe that parents have been successful if their kids learn to be completely self reliant.  I am not above throwing  a tantrum and telling them to get the F out of here, when I am being completely and unreasonably menopausal!

But see, I am on my knees apologising – that too publicly on my blog

Flashback to yesterday …..

I get home by 6 p.m. to find the maids in a tizzy.  Apparently the door that opens into the first floor of our home mysteriously got locked.  We have a fully functional apartment kind of set up on the first floor with two bedrooms, one living room, balcony etc.  The maids said they did not lock the dratted door.  The dogs cannot do it, and neither can the fishes.  We are the first occupants of this villa, so no irate ghost could be playing games…..

WELL

I cursed the damn maids, the damn door, the damn dogs etc and tried to open the door.  I tried about 2 dozen ( I am not exaggerating) 2 dozen keys, but could not open it.

Rang up Kid 2 who refused to pick up his effin cell!

Rang up Kid 1 in Phillipines in desperation!  He found things amusing (Damn Him).  Most likely he was thanking his stars that he is in Philly and does not have to be Alpha Male and set things right at home!

I got our resident electrician to climb the roof, jump into the balcony (it requires athletic prowess) and open the door.  Phew!  Once the door was unlocked I felt relieved.  The maids got busy with their cleaning and I wandered to the loo

Whadduknow!!!!!  The effin loo was locked! 

How does the same shit happen twice in the same day????

Got out that huge box of keys GROAN!  Started trying each and every one of ‘em again DOUBLE GROAN  Made a mental note to separate the darn keys into bunches that made sense

Kid 1 rang up to ask “Did the upstairs get unlocked” and went hysterical when told about my loo

“Use the other loo Mom”

Me : “No thanks Kiddo!  I like to use my own loo”

Kid 2 still wasnt picking up the phone

DIL rang up – heard my predicament and was properly sympathetic (at first)

The lock magically opened – one key actually fit!  WOW!

DIL rang up again, got the update and then said in a sweetly bitchy tone :

“You keep telling us to go away and you wanna live alone dont you?!  See this is what will happen to you old woman!”

Ouch!  I hate eating crow!

Kid 1 I am sorry!  Dont mean half of what I say anyways.  So stop laughing and feeling smug.  Kid 2, if you dont pick up the phone, your cell will be confiscated, and DIL, I hate it when you are right, especially when you are at your bitchiest best and right!

Gaaah!

The X and the Y matters

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I think I really had it easy as a kid.  Was the first daughter after a long ffffffffreaking long run of male children and made much of.

Then I had two sons ….

Even the dogs I had were male …..

The cats I kept did not matter since they know they do not belong to Earth and are here on temporary visa anyway!  So they keep to themselves.

Well the scene sure has changed!

For such a long time in the house I was the only one with a Y chromosome (correction, the only one with a XX chromosome!  Thanks people)

Now I live in the house of estrogen.

Two sons and two dogs are male but they cant keep up with two women and one female dog!

Welcome to hormone nightmares!

I am menopausal and can be totally unreasonable

DIL is queen of drama, so she can out-do menopausal me any time.

So where does this all take us?  Straight into the “Ismey tragedy hai, Ismey no one understands me hai, Ismey I will not listen to logic hai, ismey nobody loves me hai, Ismey you better listen to me hai”

Yeah like I said – Even one of the dogs is female

Two men and two male dogs are no match for

Jeannie the “Oh look at me I am so pretty dog”

DIL the I know I am right even if (in rare cases) I am wrong …. and gawd help you when my PMS flares up

and

ME , the no one loves me appreciates me values me I wanna go back to the galaxy far far away that I belong to.

Pheww !!! This is why protein bars will never work in my home.  Chocolate is the only solution.  I am gonna buy sackfulls, the stock is low!

Talking Long Distance ……

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Actually not long distance as far as distance went. Kid#1 was comfortably esconced on the sofa with his feet on the centre table. DIL was lying down Diva-like on the couch

Kid#2 and Moi were sitting on the other sofa, he was trying to read Tehelka with me trying to read what he was reading ……

DIL : Babe did you call the window wala

Kid#1: No I did not

DIL: (The voice was freezing here) You know the bathroom window has been broken for the last two weeks. Why did you not do it?

Kid#1: Voice rising in defense: I told you I am busy …..

Me: Abandoning the Tehelka and looking at them. This Tehelka was better than Mayawati

Kid#2: Stuffing nose deeper in Tehelka since he is not yet out of the dog house for what he did to the Xing.

Silence for something like 2 whole minutes ……….. Angry looks being exchanged

…… Yummy ………..

DIL: Kid#2 ask your incompetent brother to give me MY almairah keys. I forgot my set at office today

Kid#2 : Doing a good imitation of a deaf mute

Kid#1: Kid#2 tell your arrogant sister in law that I will not give her the keys to MY almairah. She can go to office and get hers

Kid#2: You both can hear each other, leave me out of this

DIL : Mom tell that jackassy son of yours

Me : Picking up a pillow and hiding behind it : Leave me out of it. I dont participate in spousal fights. I only watch them for entertainment.

Both of them: Oh you are hopeless

They look at each other and start laughing. She gets the key bunch and he promises to get a glass man for the window

Both Kid#2 and I look at them shocked. Whaddumean? Was that all???? We want more entertainment

Shucks!!!

Technology bites me in the backside

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Kid#2 is in college …. and has finally become a man

His Yahoo chat used to be “I am an unopened package”

Now it is “Yoohoo I am a man now”

Well, hoping to dig some dirt and graphic details for some explanation I rang up Kid#1

Me : What is Kid#2 up to?  Saw his chat ID, its changed

Kid#1 : Mom let him be!  He is announcing it around????!!! Duffer!

Me : (holding my breath in anticipation) Explain

Kid#1 : Stay out!

Stymied ( always wanted to use that word!) I ring up DIL

She says : Yeah I saw it too,  and Kid#1 rang me up.  I have no clue ….

But she sounds very amused.

Dammit not only are these kids keeping me in the dark, they even talk in tech braille and I am shut out.

Hmmm I think I will change my status message to “Mom dying of curiosity and tearing her hair”

Not fair I tell ya!  I am blogging in annoyed retailiation

If I survive this blog, see ya around

Dressing in finery

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Role reversal is wierd … in a nice heart warming way

DIL has decided that I badly need to dress up like a grown up and be lady like

She has also offered to take me shopping, not for herself, but FOR ME

Shocking!  She is willing to forgo her shopping for me!!!  I am amazed that she would sacrifice so much time for me – and even make the effort.

I am also thankful

Well!  I am quite bad at shopping for clothes

I was the bane of my mother’s existence.  She was the most elegantly turned out lady, wonder how she gave birth to the tomboy I was.

And now I have the most put together Fashionista in the form of my DIL.  DIL is girly girly

Before any shaadi in the house, she rounds me up with a “What are you wearing?” question.  Mind you this is a month before the event.  She of course has already decided her clothes, jewellery, accessories and even the clothes her hubby Kid#1 will wear.

Then she gets on Kid#2 and my case ……..

On my birthday she decided I would wear a saree.

I wore one

Since I tied it myself, it worked loose after 3 drinks and I ditched it for a housecoat.

She rolled her eyes, spoke gently “Mom aise kab tak chalega?”

Heck it worked for me for 50 years.

Now I have to get my act together and stop being such a brat

My Momma would have loved her

What’s cooking in the Phoenix House

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Lazy Sunday morning

I live in queenly solitary splendour on the ground floor, Kid#1 and DIL occupy one bedroom and Kid#2 another on the first floor.  The three dogs keep wandering upstairs, downstairs and in My Lady’s Chamber as the mood gets them.

So on the lazy Sunday morning I woke up at 10 am – or rather was woken up by the dog trying to nibble my toe.  The said toe was clad in a brown woollen sock and the dog might have thought it had discovered a bone or something.  I checked the time and groaned – I could have slept some more.  Sigh!  Wandered into the kitchen followed by all three dogs … the kids were still asleep.  Made myself a cup of chai and started planning lunch.  We dont do breakfast on Sunday – we surface around noon, and then wonder where Sunday went.  I wanted a purely vegetarian meal, but knew that the kids would mutiny.  Here was an absolutely lovely challenge – do a veg. meal without my carnivorous kids throwing tantrums.  I soooooo love a challenge :P

I made veg fried rice with a stir fry vegetables in almond sauce.  It was divine and all of it got polished off

Yayyy.  The almond sauce was finger licking yummy.  I got the recipe from Tarla Dalal.  Internet is a blessing isn’t it?

Kid#1 is the other cook in the house.  He loves to cook very innovative and adventurous dishes.  They turn out very very delicious.  We had Thai food in the night – yes lots of chicken and prawns.

Kid#2 is a very huge foodie.  As a child he got into a major fight with Kid#1 because he was having the most delicious dream of eating an entire chocolate cake all by himself and Kid#1woke him up.  The way he raved and cried, I swear, one could have mistaken it for a real chocolate cake and not a dream.  He was in heaven and Kid#1 woke him up to reality.  We still laugh about that one.

We were lolling around replete, when DIL’s siblings came on Skype – love the internet!!!  DIL started telling her siblings about the wonderful Sunday she had and the lovely home made meals.  She was positively drooling as she described the items, the sauces ….. droool!

After the call Kid#1 decided to have some fun

Kid#1 : Winking at me : Babe dont you ever want to cook and feed us?

DIL : No, absolutely not!

Kid#1 : Why?

DIL : You and Mom need people to appreciate their efforts too.  Hai Na Chotey???

Kid#2 : Absolutely right Bhabhi!  Let the cookers cook, we know our role … we are the eaters

Laughter all around

Fashion vs Winters

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DIL : I want to be warm this winter

Me : (Hiding my grin – at least trying to) There are seven weddings along with various functions.

DIL : I am going to wrap myself with lots of warm clothing.

I raise my eyebrows, but say nothing.  I swear I could feel the earth tilt a bit on its axis.  My impeccably turned out DIL wrapping herself up in shawls and sweaters at weddings and other parties!!!  That would be a sight to see…

Kid#1 and Kid#2 decided to humour her and accompanied her to shop for “sensible party wear”.  Mercifully, I am deemed still weak from surgery and did not get roped in.  They were out all evening, yes, from 4 p.m. to 11 p.m. and came back with just two shopping bags

Lady Fashionista went and got herself footwear!

“I can wear it with salwar kameez.  It wont look too bad will it?  Please tell me”

She was looking so anxious.  For her comfort means unfashionable and she would die rather than be comfortable as opposed to trendy!  I quickly assured her “They are really good, and practical too.  After the wedding you can wear them with your office clothes too”

Of course I could not shut my big trap up.  I added “If you wear warm socks and then wear these shoes, the socks wont show”.  OMG the look she gave me!!! Pheww!  I think I did myself in with those words.

Kid#2 tried to distract her by showing me the other one “Look what Bhabhi got to wear on the shaadi with her saree

Yeah we will die if we look comfortable instead of classy.

 

I rest my case

You say Potato, I say Poh tah toe

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Every one loves potatoes.  This is something I can say without fear of repercussion.  Aloo, spuds, potatoe, whether they come from Haldwani or any where in the world are my everlasting love.  I seriously think the major reason for my being a lapsed Jaini is that they wanted me to feel guilty about sinking my teeth into a french fry.  Forgive me my God, but I wont let any one come between me and my aloo.

Trivia facts affirm that potatoes are second in human consumption only to rice.  I am not surprised.  Can you imagine the state of this world …. the shape of this world if there were no potatoes!!!!  I dont think I could face a world without aloo, mashed, fried, made into a tikki or stuffed into paranthas and samosas.

Forgive me and grant me leave to drool a bit.

The reason for this post was the dinner I made for the family yesterday ….

Aloo meat, raita with small cubes of aloo and tomato, capsicum suffed with (you got it) aloo.  I was geared up for someone throwing a tantrum or cries of Phir se itna boring khana, but what do you know, every thing got eaten.  

Finally, I have cracked the puzzle, downloaded the codex, got enlightened.  In order to ensure that my family eats what I cook, I have to add aloo to everything.  Hmmm may be not everything, but you get the point ….

So today lunch was aloo gobhi, kadhi (with pakoras made with besan mixed with onion and boiled aloo).  I just got an sms fm DIL saying “Wonderful lunch Mom” and Kid#2′s complaint “Why did you cook so little, I am still hungry”  I gently informed him that I had cooked some gajar halwa yesterday which should be lying in the fridge.  Another thing to get out of the way heh!

Thank goodness there will be no leftovers to deal with.  Heavenly.
MARCH 14 IS POTATO CHIP DAY.  I think it should be declared Global Holiday

Spectator Sports

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There are some type of spectator sports I have never seen much point in.  I had a friend who used to watch exercise videos over and over again, and then nod and grin happily “Work Out Over”.   May be he liked to watch the PYTs waggle their tush at the camera.

I never much understood the craze for blue flicks either.  I would take pointers from them alright in my young age, but why watch some one else have all the fun?  I just did not get it.  I mean how about getting those eyes off the TV screen and on me?  A woman has the right to feel neglected you know.  Besides those women are some fierce competition.  Imagine having to do such intense gymnastics in bed!  I am sure men would not agree to this point – but this is a woman’s point of view.

That said and done, sitting and convalescing in bed has introduced me to another kind of spectator sport – one that is totally enjoyable and tax free.  Watching my children living their lives.  It is bliss.

You know, I started blogging to get over the empty feeling as the kids grew up and the real fear of becoming irrelevant to my children – which I assure you, I have.  They tell me, quite happily, that I am old and my time has gone.  What they do not know is that my time has come NOW.  I dont have to change diapers, wash white school uniforms and tennis shoes (who on earth told schools they could use that color for uniforms BTW, certainly not a mother!), tolerate rock music at volumes that dislodges dental fillings, pick up wet towels from e v e r y w h e r e.  I am like the President of India, the TOPDOG, the Big Momma and I do not even have to do anything to secure my position.  Snigger Snigger – I even have veto power.  :)

I wake up to hear some whispered conversation.  It takes me time to get off the bed post surgery … but I still soldier on valiantly to eavesdrop investigate

Kid#2 : Bhabhi please …..

DIL : No, I will tell Mom

Kid#2 : Bhai, please ………….

Kid#1 : Dude, convince HER

Kid#2 : Bhabhi, Mom is ill.  We cant upset her …….

DIL : You should have thought of it before bunking so much

(This world lost an awesome school marm the day this girl joined the field of interior designing!  The kind that makes kids pee in their pants)

The volume of their voices drops for a bit while I strain my ears at the door

DIL : I dont always get my own way, ask HIM

Kid#1 : Rising nobly to the occaision : I let her get her own way    ;)

Aha, such delusions LOL

Kid#2 : Exactly Dude, you let her get her own way, and I have to listen to her

Laughter all around 

Me : Walking in to the living room : What’s the joke?

DIL : Quickly pouring me a cup of tea : Nothing much Mom, how do you feel.

While I sit down she adds :

We are going with Kid#2 to his college ….. I wanted to meet the HOD

Me : Why?

DIL : Just like that ……, besides I wanted to see the campus.

They quickly changed the topic

Me : Oh while you are there, will you check his attendance?  I got a call from the college, while I was in hospital.

Stunned silence from the conspirators

 

Hyuck Hyuck