Return of the Aviator!!
Kid#1 is back home now. This, by our standards is huge! He’s been to Philippines and back quite a few times in his quest for a commercial pilot’s license. But then we are a family that goes from crisis to crisis – with a short pause in which we try to figure out if we are seriously out of trouble or not ….
Consider this : Kid#1 gets engaged …. runs the car over the verge and decides to fly planes …. since there are no verges in the sky!
Okay! That is completely mean of me. It may or may not have happened like this exactly but this is my story and my blog …
So he tries to get to Canada or the US to get his training. Terrorism and brown skin decide that he does not get a Visa. Hence he goes to Philippines
The course is supposedly for one year. The Global Warming and Divine Powers decide that the weather will be horrible. There are typhoons during the past two years that have drowned the country, ripped open the runway and tarmac and even smashed the air control tower to the ground.
Phew!
Hence the course that was to be for one year lasted two. But he survived and is now a qualified Licensed Commercial Pilot
Anyway he is finally back, jet lagged, deprived of Indian food (we actually carried roti and dal sabzi to the airport with us for him) and skinny.
I mean I am the most carefree kind of parent but even I thought he was skinny ~~
Is there any mother in the world who thinks her child has come back home looking hale and hearty? There is some kind of reflex circuitry which triggers a primitive response that is so Hindi Movie ….
Mom : Beta you are looking so starved – bechara! Theekh se khaana bhi nahin mila. Have another parantha ….
Son : Basking in maternal attention and pampering : Arrey vahan after the typhoon you could not get any fruit or vegetable, and there is nothing like ghar ki roti
Sibling : Perhaps thinking now the spotlight will have to be shared : Bhai, I dunno, you look okay to me
Wifey : By passing all the undercurrents : Babe, I think you look sexy with the moustache
Ahem! Okay I know you have been apart for the last four months but give it a break, Will Ya?
Come to think of it, I actually agree with her … he looked cute in a bearded Brad Pitt kind of a way
Aaaah! You know what I think now that he is got married and educated (in that order rather than the conventional way?)
I think its one down and one to go. Need the other one to get his degree and wife – in whichever order he wishes so that I can become a vagabond gypsy that I am at heart
One down one to go …. ….. ….. …..
My kids talk to me …. Halp!!!!
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You know what I hate about new age parenting? The fact that there are so many rules that are diametrically opposed to how we were brought up!
Humarey Zamaaney Mein : Part One
Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child
Aaj Kal : We hear of the new fangled thing called child abuse
Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two
Children are simply to be seen, not heard
Aaj Kal : Parenting is all about keeping the communication lines open all the time. Psychologists tell us it is good and rewarding. We are to listen to our kids attentively, participate in their lives
WELL!
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT IS DARN INCONVENIENT!
What about the many years of “our lives” that we put on hold when they were kids and ran after them, picked after them and cooked stuff they wanted to eat?
What about how much the middle aged body and mind can take?
Picture this :
You put a load of laundry in the washing machine, brew a nice cup of tea and pick up the newspaper and settle into your warm quilt. It is a utopia moment …..
Kid#2 : Mom, is Bhabhi around
Me : No, I guess she is upstairs
Kid#2 : Well, I was thinking yada yada yada
Me : Looking at the newspaper regretfully and trying to mentally console myself with a never mind, knowing said newspaper is going to go unread into kabadi ……. or I will have to wake up late in the night to read old news without the supplements and comics that I love – which the kids have already taken into their own rooms or to college/work
Sigh!
Or this scenario
Me, hastily cooking and laying the table, thinking of going online asap once dinner is over
Well the Kid has had a tiff with girl friend and wants to do detailed self analysis with all the “I have feelings of inadequacy and no one understands me” emotions of teenage with angst galore
or Scenario No. 2
DIL has to tell me all about quirks of her co-workers that she finds annoying. I send an email and get chided because “You are not listening properly”. So I settle down to “listen properly”, and after 5 minutes add my comment to what she said about a co-worker.
She stops me with a “Dont take it the wrong way, but I dont want you to say anything – not that I dont value your inputs”.
Me : You mean you want to be heard with no comments? So you better talk to a wall then!?!????
She : I am not saying you cant comment
Me : But you prefer that I dont
She : I didnt mean that ~~~~
Me : But I thought that’s what you meant
She : MOMMMMMM You dont listen properly
And she stomps off hufffily
I give up on the emails totally confused. Besides my middle aged body is tired and needs its rest ……….
I prefered the olden days
Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two
Children are simply to be seen, not heard
Make that young adults too
Once upon a Time ……
There was this young girl, skinny as hell, walking around with a permanent cold (sickly actually), an introvert who preferred reading books to interacting with boys who tried to feel up more endowed girls other social creatures.
The girl then discovered food, and started getting comfortable with food and herself ….
and more comfortable …….
And more comfortable
And now the girl has morphed into me ….. It first started with a bit of a bulge, which I dismissed as aftermath of second pregnancy
Then thighs started thickening, so I switched over to salwar kameezes while battling for a divorce, thinking it was stress and would go away ……
And then I hated the idea of started to get into the huff and puff mode! I mean who needs that in a full day of work, meals, kids homeworks, shopping for groceries and battling lawyers, mother and all that life effin throws up.
Then came son’s wedding and two major surgeries in two years!
By that time I had got blase’. I convinced myself that my self worth was not based on my waist size, and since I had managed to remain reasonably healthy, no diabetes, blood pressure and ticker going strong, it did not matter. I was not here competing with Priyanka Chopra’s figure hai na? Besides a slim svelte figure is such a superficial thing …….. I am more cerebral
It all fizzled out when I spent a sleepless night battling acidity and saw myself in the bathroom mirror next morning. I looked like Bellatrix Lestrange on a bad day ballooned into a watermelon
NASTY!!!!
But that did not phase me out. What did was the sleepless night! Told ya, I am wayy more cerebral than your average person who values good looks and health 
So ladies and gentlemen I have started cooking healthy, feeding my family more innovative and light meals.
I have also started trying to run – it converts into a trot – pant – groan – pant – walk as of now. Never mind WE SHALL OVERCOME
…………………………………………………………………………… ………….SOME DAY
DIL tells me that I should bow in front of her, since it is she who pointed out how unhealthy my cooking was. Madam, here you are, this is all the bow you shall get BOW WOW!
Kid #2 has started looking slim, instead of Laddu from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam. I foresee a bevy of hotties around him in a short while
As far as I am concerned, well I am much too old a sinner for fat cells to give up easily. They cling, and rebel even though I am huffin and puffin and the friction of my thighs against each other could start a bonfire.
I may not climb the Everest or date a Sherpa …..
I may not win the Olympic Medal and kiss Obama while he gives it to me …… sigh! drool!!!
But dammit, I do get a night’s undisturbed sleep
That is reward enough!
Happy Diwali all
A big HAPPY DIWALI from the Phoenix Home
Wont post the pic of the “AFTER DIWALI BASH”
Some pics of the much maligned candles and toran from the Phoenix House
DIL WAITING FOR THE MOON ON KARVA CHOUTH
Karva Chowth at Phoenix House
I am very ambivalent about karva chowth and I wrote a post last year stating my reasons which readers found hilarious. Well I am like that anyways …. 
My kids want to celebrate each and every festival with gusto, even the all female ones like karva chowth. I would doll up, do the mehendi, new dress and bangles and trinkets thingy, and then we would eat drink and be merry. Now I have happily handed over baton to DIL
I’ve told DIL she has the option to do away with the fast if she wishes. Its cool with us …
Flashback two days ago ………………………..
Kid#2 : Mom are you gonna get mehendi and stuff done?
Me : Reclining on my bed with laptop : Nah, I have done away with peripherals
Kid#2 : Why????
Me ; Astonished at such a strong reaction : I never keep the fast anyway, and am not in the mood for dolling up
Kid#2 : Launching full blown drama : You never do anything, you are not fun anymore, festivals dont feel like festivals when Bhai isnt around ………………….
Me : ??????!!!!!!!???????
Then Godji sent inspiration (Thank you Godji Phewww!)
Me : Beta Bhabhi will do all that, its her time
DIL came home dancing : See my new suit that I bought for Karva Chowth! Isnt it pretty? Kid#2 you better be home on Karva Chowth eve since you gotta take me to get mehendi done
Kid#2 : Looking much happier : Jee Bhabhi, do you also want to go to the parlour? I am so glad someone is celebrating! (The last said snidely)
DIL : After consideration : Nah parlour will be too full, besides I’ll be working full day
Me : Heaving a quiet sigh of relief : Beta, tell me what you wanna eat for sargi, I’ll cook that.
Both of them seriously discussing possible options for the early morning sargi
I never knew handing over all the stuff was so liberating!!!!
She can do the mehendi and dress and fast if she so desires!
I AM OUT OF IT!!!!
We had sargi together at 5 a.m. which I cooked early in the morning. Kid#2’s craving for some festival celebration got satisfied, DIL and I left for work! I think I narrowly escaped the dog house!!!
Halp! My words come and bite me in the ….
My elder son has gone and I already feel the absence!
Yeah I know he’s just a phone call away ….. I also know that I have told him in all sorts of ways that he can leave and settle down anyplace in the world and its okay with me! In fact I have told this to both the kids. No I am not being a bitch – but I truly believe that parents have been successful if their kids learn to be completely self reliant. I am not above throwing a tantrum and telling them to get the F out of here, when I am being completely and unreasonably menopausal!
But see, I am on my knees apologising – that too publicly on my blog
Flashback to yesterday …..
I get home by 6 p.m. to find the maids in a tizzy. Apparently the door that opens into the first floor of our home mysteriously got locked. We have a fully functional apartment kind of set up on the first floor with two bedrooms, one living room, balcony etc. The maids said they did not lock the dratted door. The dogs cannot do it, and neither can the fishes. We are the first occupants of this villa, so no irate ghost could be playing games…..
WELL
I cursed the damn maids, the damn door, the damn dogs etc and tried to open the door. I tried about 2 dozen ( I am not exaggerating) 2 dozen keys, but could not open it.
Rang up Kid 2 who refused to pick up his effin cell!
Rang up Kid 1 in Phillipines in desperation! He found things amusing (Damn Him). Most likely he was thanking his stars that he is in Philly and does not have to be Alpha Male and set things right at home!
I got our resident electrician to climb the roof, jump into the balcony (it requires athletic prowess) and open the door. Phew! Once the door was unlocked I felt relieved. The maids got busy with their cleaning and I wandered to the loo
Whadduknow!!!!! The effin loo was locked!
How does the same shit happen twice in the same day????
Got out that huge box of keys GROAN! Started trying each and every one of ‘em again DOUBLE GROAN Made a mental note to separate the darn keys into bunches that made sense
Kid 1 rang up to ask “Did the upstairs get unlocked” and went hysterical when told about my loo
“Use the other loo Mom”
Me : “No thanks Kiddo! I like to use my own loo”
Kid 2 still wasnt picking up the phone
DIL rang up – heard my predicament and was properly sympathetic (at first)
The lock magically opened – one key actually fit! WOW!
DIL rang up again, got the update and then said in a sweetly bitchy tone :
“You keep telling us to go away and you wanna live alone dont you?! See this is what will happen to you old woman!”
Ouch! I hate eating crow!
Kid 1 I am sorry! Dont mean half of what I say anyways. So stop laughing and feeling smug. Kid 2, if you dont pick up the phone, your cell will be confiscated, and DIL, I hate it when you are right, especially when you are at your bitchiest best and right!
Gaaah!
The X and the Y matters
I think I really had it easy as a kid. Was the first daughter after a long ffffffffreaking long run of male children and made much of.
Then I had two sons ….
Even the dogs I had were male …..
The cats I kept did not matter since they know they do not belong to Earth and are here on temporary visa anyway! So they keep to themselves.
Well the scene sure has changed!
For such a long time in the house I was the only one with a Y chromosome (correction, the only one with a XX chromosome! Thanks people)
Now I live in the house of estrogen.
Two sons and two dogs are male but they cant keep up with two women and one female dog!
Welcome to hormone nightmares!
I am menopausal and can be totally unreasonable
DIL is queen of drama, so she can out-do menopausal me any time.
So where does this all take us? Straight into the “Ismey tragedy hai, Ismey no one understands me hai, Ismey I will not listen to logic hai, ismey nobody loves me hai, Ismey you better listen to me hai”
Yeah like I said – Even one of the dogs is female
Two men and two male dogs are no match for
Jeannie the “Oh look at me I am so pretty dog”
DIL the I know I am right even if (in rare cases) I am wrong …. and gawd help you when my PMS flares up
and
ME , the no one loves me appreciates me values me I wanna go back to the galaxy far far away that I belong to.
Pheww !!! This is why protein bars will never work in my home. Chocolate is the only solution. I am gonna buy sackfulls, the stock is low!
Talking Long Distance ……
Actually not long distance as far as distance went. Kid#1 was comfortably esconced on the sofa with his feet on the centre table. DIL was lying down Diva-like on the couch
Kid#2 and Moi were sitting on the other sofa, he was trying to read Tehelka with me trying to read what he was reading ……
DIL : Babe did you call the window wala
Kid#1: No I did not
DIL: (The voice was freezing here) You know the bathroom window has been broken for the last two weeks. Why did you not do it?
Kid#1: Voice rising in defense: I told you I am busy …..
Me: Abandoning the Tehelka and looking at them. This Tehelka was better than Mayawati
Kid#2: Stuffing nose deeper in Tehelka since he is not yet out of the dog house for what he did to the Xing.
Silence for something like 2 whole minutes ……….. Angry looks being exchanged
…… Yummy ………..
DIL: Kid#2 ask your incompetent brother to give me MY almairah keys. I forgot my set at office today
Kid#2 : Doing a good imitation of a deaf mute
Kid#1: Kid#2 tell your arrogant sister in law that I will not give her the keys to MY almairah. She can go to office and get hers
Kid#2: You both can hear each other, leave me out of this
DIL : Mom tell that jackassy son of yours
Me : Picking up a pillow and hiding behind it : Leave me out of it. I dont participate in spousal fights. I only watch them for entertainment.
Both of them: Oh you are hopeless
They look at each other and start laughing. She gets the key bunch and he promises to get a glass man for the window
Both Kid#2 and I look at them shocked. Whaddumean? Was that all???? We want more entertainment
Shucks!!!
Technology bites me in the backside
Kid#2 is in college …. and has finally become a man
His Yahoo chat used to be “I am an unopened package”
Now it is “Yoohoo I am a man now”
Well, hoping to dig some dirt and graphic details for some explanation I rang up Kid#1
Me : What is Kid#2 up to? Saw his chat ID, its changed
Kid#1 : Mom let him be! He is announcing it around????!!! Duffer!
Me : (holding my breath in anticipation) Explain
Kid#1 : Stay out!
Stymied ( always wanted to use that word!) I ring up DIL
She says : Yeah I saw it too, and Kid#1 rang me up. I have no clue ….
But she sounds very amused.
Dammit not only are these kids keeping me in the dark, they even talk in tech braille and I am shut out.
Hmmm I think I will change my status message to “Mom dying of curiosity and tearing her hair”
Not fair I tell ya! I am blogging in annoyed retailiation
If I survive this blog, see ya around
Dressing in finery
Role reversal is wierd … in a nice heart warming way
DIL has decided that I badly need to dress up like a grown up and be lady like
She has also offered to take me shopping, not for herself, but FOR ME
Shocking! She is willing to forgo her shopping for me!!! I am amazed that she would sacrifice so much time for me – and even make the effort.
I am also thankful
Well! I am quite bad at shopping for clothes
I was the bane of my mother’s existence. She was the most elegantly turned out lady, wonder how she gave birth to the tomboy I was.
And now I have the most put together Fashionista in the form of my DIL. DIL is girly girly
Before any shaadi in the house, she rounds me up with a “What are you wearing?” question. Mind you this is a month before the event. She of course has already decided her clothes, jewellery, accessories and even the clothes her hubby Kid#1 will wear.
Then she gets on Kid#2 and my case ……..
On my birthday she decided I would wear a saree.
I wore one
Since I tied it myself, it worked loose after 3 drinks and I ditched it for a housecoat.
She rolled her eyes, spoke gently “Mom aise kab tak chalega?”
Heck it worked for me for 50 years.
Now I have to get my act together and stop being such a brat
My Momma would have loved her
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