My sons and daughter in law have decided that I am incapable of looking after myself.  It doesnt help matters that I love to cook – exotic stuff, if I repeatedly do dal+ghia+roti, I sleep walk through the cooking process, and the food is forgettable.  Blech!  Even I wouldnt eat what I dish out!

Any how – Kid#1 has decided I am a LIABILITY.  He has started checking out elderly ladies, you know the ones bent over with osteoporosis, or walking with the help of walkers and pointing them out to me.  Such a darn waste!  At his age he should be checking out PYTs.  Youth these days ….

Khair

He tells me that I am going to turn out to be like them, if he does not take matters into his hands.  Hence I am surrounded by the DINING TABLE MAFIA.  Every one at home (the two legged variety) are a part of it.  Our live-in help is quizzed about what I had for breakfast, what I took in my lunch box …. at dinner they scrutinize my plate and stop me from taking seconds.

HALP!!!!

I love dal chawal, rajmah, kadhi, aloo tarkari, koftas, palak paneer.  And of course my much maligned aloo gobhi which they threaten they will stop letting me cook.  Food is manna …. and the mafia is rationing it out to me in miniscule portions.

DIL has ruled that every time I drink tea after 8 pm, and every time I eat the dal chawal with my fingers I am fined Rs.100

There ought to be a law against grown sons and daughters trying to take controls out of your hands.

On one hand I feel immense joy and pride at such loving concern

On the other, I wanna kill them

They hid all the chocolate and put protein bars in the chocolate box in the fridge!

Dammit

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a smart, attractive professional lady.  Her marriage was arranged to one smart attractive professional gentleman.  Together they built their marriage under the huge umbrella of the Great Indian Joint Family.

The first few years were heaven.  They both worked together, went on vacation all over the world, their home had all the amenities that are deemed necessary in the modern day life style.  Then slowly everything began to change.  The lady had more qualifications than the gentleman.  Her annual income was slightly more than that of her husband.  The modern professional gentleman could not take it any more.  So the torture started.  Small things, publically belittling his wife in company, flirting with other women in full view of his wife, making day to day life difficult for her, tantrums if she was late from work …… all that which finally led to her giving up her job.

She got depressed, stopped reading, stopped looking after herself.  She wandered around in that huge house a shadow of her former self.  Other members of the family noticed the change but wondered if they should interfere or not.

This state of affairs would have continued for ever …… the lady sacrificing herself for the sanctity of her marriage, the man a victim of his own ego.  But another lady stepped in.  The Saas.

Her mother in law was not highly qualified, had barely studied upto Class VIII.  She enquired into the reasons for this change in her Bahu.  She even got lawyers home.  She bullied her son to take an appointment with a marriage counsellor.  Threatened to get a divorce for her daughter in law.  It was an uphill task that lasted three stormy years.

It all ended today.

The Bahu has joined World Bank at a very senior position.

Her husband has not made any objections.

The mother in law is quietly triumphant.

She said in her unassuming practical way “Anyaya vekhan vaala anyaya karan vale to vadda paap karda hai”

(The witness of oppression is a greater sinner than the oppressor)

Thank you Madam – you have added to my unshakeable belief in the power of a mother

Telephone Calls one wishes one never recieved …………………..

She : Nee kee haal chaal hai tera?

Me : I am okay Aunty

She : I heard you had an operation?

Me : Yes Aunty, but Rabbji has been kind to me.  I am recovering now.

She : Your poor parents would have been so worried.  Ek taan akeli, uton koi vadda vi nahin sir teh ……..

Me : (WTF????, my parents arent here to get worried, good for them……..)  Aunty my sons are there and they are looking after me.

She : A daughter would have done lots of sewa. Deep theatrical sigh  Daughter in laws are after all ….. you know how it is …………………. Nuh raani ton changi sewa karvana

Editor’s note : I seem to remember that this woman congratulated me for birthing two sons, and implied that if I had a daughter I would never have broken ties with ex.

Me : ?????????????

She : Give DIL the phone.  I will advise her on how to look after you properly

Me : Aunty, she is gone to work

She : How could you allow her to do that?  You mean you are alone at home? Who is looking after you?

Me : Aunty, I was advised bed-rest, not her.  Besides Kid#1 is at home today, and so is the live-in servant.

She : Deep theatrical sigh : Kee zamaana aa gaya hai.  I also went through this surgery, and both my daughter in laws were told to stay at home and look after me – for three whole months.  I tell you, your son is a total joru ka gulam.  Put your foot down immediately.

Yeah, yeah, I remember the endless bitching those poor women did, and the fights and sarcastic comments.

Me : Extra sweetly: Aunty, I have been advised bed-rest.  I cant put my foot down any where

She : There is no one to drive me to your place beta, other wise I would have come and stayed with you for some time and nursed you, Rabbji di saun

Me : I hope I hid my relief :  That is so sweet of you Aunty, but like you said, Kee zamaana aa gaya hai … sewa karwan waali kismat hi kithey meri …… sigh …………    

She : I will ask (her DIL#3) to bring me to your place on Sunday

Me : Hastily : I will be back in the hospital for some tests on Saturday and Sunday

Note to self : Ring up her DILs – all of them and ask them to keep her home

Phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some women!!!!!!

Let me give you a folk story from North West India …..

In a remote village, a bossy woman lived with her daughter-in-law. Although her son and husband lived with them too, it’s she who held sway over the entire family. One person who was always on her radar was the daughter-in-law. Like most mothers-in-law she used to point out flaws in almost everything her daughter-in-law did. As this woman took her role so seriously this reforming activity fast became a habit. The habit brought in her the ingenuity to find faults where they were none.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

One day while her daughter-in-law was preparing dough for the rotis (bread made out of wheat flour), to be cooked for the dinner, she stared at her rather furiously. When the daughter-in-law reacted with a questioning expression, pat came her reply—why do you move so much while making the dough?

Now I am sure it sounds familiar

Such absolute power.  Not one daughter in law could afford to ignore that mother in law.

I got this lovely invite in the mail

I sent it promptly to the DIL (in my defence I sent it to a whole lot of people including her)

She promptly rings me up from her work place and cant speak because she’s laughing her guts out. 

“Mom, trying to become a regular mother-in-law like Lalita Pawar are you?  You can’t so forget it”

Humph!  No one takes me seriously. Sigh ……………………..

Let me give you a folk story from North West India …..

In a remote village, a bossy woman lived with her daughter-in-law. Although her son and husband lived with them too, it’s she who held sway over the entire family. One person who was always on her radar was the daughter-in-law. Like most mothers-in-law she used to point out flaws in almost everything her daughter-in-law did. As this woman took her role so seriously this reforming activity fast became a habit. The habit brought in her the ingenuity to find faults where they were none.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

One day while her daughter-in-law was preparing dough for the rotis (bread made out of wheat flour), to be cooked for the dinner, she stared at her rather furiously. When the daughter-in-law reacted with a questioning expression, pat came her reply—why do you move so much while making the dough?

Now I am sure it sounds familiar

Such absolute power.  Not one daughter in law could afford to ignore that mother in law.

I got this lovely invite in the mail

I sent it promptly to the DIL (in my defence I sent it to a whole lot of people including her)

She promptly rings me up from her work place and cant speak because she’s laughing her guts out. 

“Mom, trying to become a regular mother-in-law like Lalita Pawar are you?  You can’t so forget it”

Humph!  No one takes me seriously. Sigh ……………………..

6:30 am, wake up, curse the effin’ mobile which sings happily “Dil kabhi ganda, kabhi hai nek banda”, fall out of bed, walk into the bathroom door, groan, walk into various fixtures cursing a blue streak and then open eyes, look at my own reflection, (OMG I look like a hag) groan, close eyes, wash face and then feeling kind of awake, open bed room door, stumble over sleeping dogs, walk into kitchen, start breakfast and lunch, open door to let the dogs out, wake up live in servant …….. Good Morning NCR   

7 am, live in help takes over kitchen and I go back into the room, start doing various exercises (I hate them but I have to) while watching music channels to divert my mind from the pain of exercising … while training my ear to the going ons in the house … ahh DIL is up, good, dammit Kid#2 will get late for college, dammit Ramu should be doing the rotis by now.  I have found that if I get annoyed or tense, I exercise more vigorously – so I suspect I work myself up – so that the damn kicks reach higher and the damn moves are faster.  I work myself into a fine sweat and then feel happier with life.  Yayyy the pheromones are kicking in …..

8 am, the kids are out of the house and its time to go get shopping list ready and take a tour of the house with Ramu while giving him some instructions and then rush back into my room to get ready for office.

TRRRRRING TRRRRRING

Me : Hello beta

DIL: Mom, you’re at home

Me: Yes beta

DIL: Mom can you please check – I think I left my diamond ring in the loo

Me : Sigh : Yes beta, am going upstairs to your loo.  I’ll keep it in my bag.  Take it from me in the night.

DIL : I’ll check up with you.  Byeee

Uff, now where was I? Oh yes, getting ready for breakfast and office.  DIL’s ring is now in my bag and I am back in the morning madness.  I’m wearing my clothes when another call comes

TRRRING TRRING

Me: Hello

Kid#2: Mom do you have my passport photo

Me: Yeah

Kid#2 : Mom I forgot to take it with me in the morning, can you drop one on your way to office

Me : I work in mnbbv which is North, your college is in lkjhg which is south – I cant

Kid#2 : Moooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmm

Me : You got a car – just go to the market and get one taken.  Takes 15 minutes

Kid#2 : Sigh

Me : Heavy Sigh!!!!!

Have breakfast and escape to work.  On the road

TRRRING TRRING

Me : Hello

Ex : Ritu how are you

Me : Good

Uncomfortable silence for one whole minute

Ex : I guess you are wondering why I called you

Me : Yeah ………….

Ex : Kid#1 is not answering my mails or returning my calls

Me : Okay, I’ll tell him to (mentally thinking you goddamn idiot, he’s an adult, you patronise and boss him, obviously he doesnt wanna talk to you)

Ex : Okay I’ll ring you back for a reply

Me : Do it late in the night (or dont) okay

Ex : Sigh!!!

Me : Heavier Sigh!!!!!!

12 noon while busy doing up some drafting of reports

TRRRING TRRING

Me : Hello

Voice : Good afternoon Madam, I am calling from Vodaphone

Me : Snarling : I dont want your product or whatever bullshit scheme you are selling

Sigh! Poor guys. Telemarketing is a terrible business. But while juggling cooking, housekeeping, being a detective, the lost and found deptt., errand runner, advisor, relationship mediator and bread earner, I simply have no time or desire to be patient with them.

My Kid#2 is all grown up.  He went on his very first date today.  Sigh!!!!!!

He’s gone out earlier – but always in a group.   Today was the first time he took a girl out for the evening.  People say Awwwwww

He was nervous.  His coffee date was at 5 pm and he was ready by three ( jeans and a nice summery shirt, Nike sneakers, mobile phone with blue tooth, Ipod, PSP – I dont know why all of his gizmos but those were his accessories) and he got his car washed twice, cleaned up all the car from the inside and even bought flowers (yellow roses).

DIL was active participant.  It did my heart good to see major advise being asked and being dispensed.  It also took all effort on my part to not crack up at the proceedings.  I have a corny sense of humour you see, and I can not reconcile the image of a tiny baby still fresh in my mind with this grown up boy young man taking a girl he finds special out for a date.

Kid#2 :  Bhabhi do I look okay

DIL : Change your socks, and show me your nails

Kid#2 : Okay

Editors Note : I am awed, he would have killed me if I had suggested anything like that.  He quickly ran to his room and I gave DIL a thumbs up while she signalled a V with her hand

DIL : Okay remember, dont talk too much.  Listen to her.

Kid#2 : I dunno, girls keep on talking all the time

DIL :  Yes, and you have to listen, if you want any more dates with her

Kid#2 : We are going to Barrista ……

DIL : Bad idea.  Take her to Costa Coffee.  Barrista is cheap.

Kid#2 : Ewwwww (Probably seeing this week’s pocket money flying away)

DIL : You want another date?

Kid#2 : Okay Okay!  What do I order?

DIL : (Smiling) You dont, ask her to order.

Kid#2 : Mommmmm, give me next week’s pocket money in advance.

Me : On one condition – you will tell me every single thing that happened when you return.

Kid#2 : No way!  You’re joking

Me : Evil Smile

DIL : Mommmmm, that is unfair.  You are evil

Me : Evil Smile

Both of them glare at me.  I surrender and hand over next week’s pocket money.

Bye, little one.  Have a wonderful evening ……

Sigh!  They grow up so fast!

There are times when I think God has a weird sense of humour. I just don’t get it. The timing sucks like hell… like I mentioned in an earlier post (Yayyy I managed to make a link!!!!)

Consider this, a woman reaches middle age and is dealing with boobs that go south, grey hair, the first few wrinkles, all the chocolate she ever ate settling down on her hips and thighs – yeah its pretty stressful. God looks at this mere mortal just learning to face it and adds a deadly twist …. the said woman’s children who until then considered their mother as Goddess and looked at her with undisguised and blind adoration become teenagers. It happens suddenly. One day, these kids are tripping over themselves to cling to you, and if you hug them or smile, they are ecstatic. They wake up the next day with the thought “Who is this old witch, and why do I have to listen to her on how to run my life. She never did manage hers very well”. And if God hates that poor old woman very much, he gives her a daughter who is very upfront and tactless about how she did not want to grow up like her mother. Nasty!!! Luckily God did not give me one of those. Still I was the worst mother ever, since I did not allow the boys to go to school on a two wheeler or drive anywhere unless they were 18 and got a licence. They were at their whiney best “Every other parent allows it” I know kiddos, I am MONSTER MOM and I love it. Then they give you the silent treatment – which is lovely. I gave it right back and we had a very peaceful and less stressful home.

After you have weathered the teenage years when they are lazy, self absorbed, conceited, messy, insufferable pigs, they grow up to be decent boys you are actually proud of. You start enjoying their company. Then God adds another twist – they get married just when menopause hits you. Picture this, you are going through hot flashes, memory loss, mood swings, wrinkles, night sweats and eating binges, and the apple of your eye, the fruit of your womb brings a young nubile woman into the house and proceeds to ignore you totally. She has a butt and a bustline that burns you up, and she probably goes to sleep without under eye creams and anti wrinkle aids, and does not need push up bras. The divine comedy makes me weep.

Something has totally happened to me. I distinctly remember a few years ago that I would recoil at the mere mention of buying and owning a home for myself. I thought that once you owned one of these things, you really could not have a life. Every thing you earned went into repairs, renovations, furniture, broken plumbing, and paint jobs. My god, the commitment!. Any way, owning a house was what stodgy regular staid sane people did. I could not be tied down. That was then and this is now …

Well, I took a plunge and did the unthinkable (it must have been right when I was zoned out and thinking about what kind of legacy I would leave the kids … hmmm … too much marijuana in my smokes, what?) Needless to say I took the plunge and got myself a home in the rural pastures wonderful suburbia. It is spacious, away from the urban mess, but most importantly, it is a rite of passage into growing roots. I am one of the crazy people who can work for the same company for the last twenty years and live in the same town for the last 30 and still think of myself as a free bird who could pack and move out if things became unpleasant. Now I don’t have that option. I have committed the next 10 years of my life to living in this town and also to working my tail off to pay the loan. Now I will be thinking in terms of growing curry patta, tulsi and nimbu in my pocket kerchief garden. Hello domesticity ….

The point is that I have this image of myself as the global gypsy …. Wandering from place to place, free …. Unencumbered by baggage or kids. Me with a backyard and plants??? Oh wow!!! Funny how age changes a person ……