You know, living abroad spoils you, and the chaos we Indians take for granted – well you are just not used to it anymore.  So now that you are back from the great abroad land where life is boring, no power cuts and everyone queuing up decently at stores and obeying traffic rules (gasp, so boring!), and want to drive on Indian roads, let me re-educate you on the glorious, colourful chaos that thrives on Indian roads.

DESI STYLE TRAFFIC RULES

Mandatory precaution : Check, not only for your driving licence but also for the expiry date of your health and life insurance.  Better still, get an add on accidental insurance.  These are more useful than the seat belt.  Kya?  Vohi, seat wala pheeta ….. (I kid you not, that is what a cop called it while reprimanding me on not wearing it)

Now that you have the paper work in order, let the sermon begin
Rule One:

You are immortal, no not only the soul part of you.  Unless you have absolute unshakable belief in your own immortality, the driver’s seat is not meant for you.  Of course it helps boosting your own notion of immortality if you have the bigger vehicle.  All other itty bitty ones will give you the right of way.  What?  Havent you noticed the way trucks blithely speed past lesser mortals in insignificant vehicles.  The bigger the truck the mightier!  Almost makes one want to become a truck driver -Oh the power!

The only sad part is that if you meet with an accident, the rule gets reversed.  The person with the bigger vehicle gets thrashed by passer bys dispensing summary vigilante style justice.  Traffic cops? Police? Courts? Voh kya hai?  Why disturb them if justice can be dispensed immediately on the road side?  Oh and if cops come to check out, why they can be paid to stay away.

Rule II:

All the chaos, the Teri Maa *&^ and Bhen@#@$ notwithstanding we are the most orderly race.  We even have strict hierarchies, the four ashrams that denote our lives and the great Indian caste system.  Ahhh such order!  As a learner driver, you are on the lowest rung in the heirarchy on our great Indian roads.  Get thee behind an experienced driver.  No, not the yuppie driving a Tavera or those Innovas carrying unfortunate souls to their call centers at weird times in the day or night.  Get thee behind a mild looking aged man driving at a sedate pace.  He is in no hurry to meet the Maker, so he should be safe. Follow him and do whatever the shit he does.  If he swerves, do so.  If he brakes do so.

Rule III

Lesson in humility : Give way, to anything in front of you.  Cows, dogs, elephants, autorickshaws, thelas (hand driven goods carts) etc.  Special mention must be accorded to pedal rickshaws and cyclists who seem to have complete faith in rule no. one.  They know they are immortal and hence will not signal at a turn. Oh, and always assume that the vehicle in front of you is a Guru.  Follow his guidance.

Rule IV:

Jo darr gaya samajho marr gaya (The one who gives in to fear is dead)

Similarly if you slow down, stop or even brake or falter, you are dead or you wish you were.  You will be subjected to rude gestures, honking, and even the unofficial national slogan of Teri Maa *&^ and Bhen@#@$.

Never mind, once you have gained proficiency in driving you shall do the same.  So keep your brakes, your horn and your vocabulary of invective polished at all times.
Rule V:

The Morse Code vis a vis horns

1. Honk Honk Honk (short pause) Honk Honk Honk  … Repeat

This means Get Out Of My Way : Urgent!  Used to tell cyclists, rickshaws and dogs to clear the road.  What? Of course they can see you, but they wont move until you honk.

2. HOOOONK  HOOOONK

You see a truck coming towards you, your brakes are not that good and you know you cant stop in time.  With this code you first salaam the truck and tell him you acknowledge his supremacy and then convey your inability to stop in time and humbly request him to move out of the way unless he wants you both to die.

3. TOOT

Just means Hi there.  It also means you havent honked for a while and were missing it.

4. TOOOOT TOOOT TOOOT TOOOT

Used by cabbies, professional drivers and such like.  They just wanna show off.  It means “I aint gonna give way, I am so gonna overtake and speed and you cant do a thing about it Nyah Nyah!”

Rule VI:

Idols of deities are important, and take precedence on wearing a seat belt.  It always helps to have multiple idols of gods and demi gods.  Oh and seat belts have to be fastened only if there is a traffic cop around.  The gods are going to protect you so seat belts are not that necessary

Rule VII:

Some ground rules : You see the white paint in the middle of the road?  That is meant to center your vehicle on the road.  If someone is coming at you similarly aligned, you shall play the “Who Blinks First” game with the approaching vehicle.  Remember if you lose, the other driver will drive you off the road into the ditch, so do not swerve until the last moment.  Chances are that he may blink first …

Don’t bet on it though!

Rule VIII:

It is your mandatory duty to slow down and gawk at a brawl or accident on the road.  You shall not get down from your vehicle, unless you know the people involved.  If you do recognize the people, you shall jump out and lend them support by thrashing the other person.  Oh, in such situations, it is okay to park in the middle of the road.  Since all traffic will slow down and weave their way through, you arent inconveniencing anyone.

Rule IX

We have no speed limits.  Our Powers That Be have ensured that we can not speed by maintaining potholes on roads.  Do you know how much it costs the national exchequer to keep these in pristine conditions?

Rule X

Have vehicle will overtake

Have vehicle will overload

Have vehicle, will not let any other vehicle, even an ambulance overtake

In conclusion

Our roads reflect our true Indian spirit.  We are polytheistic and have over 1008 Gods and Demi Gods and yet also have strong monotheistic beliefs. So organized chaos is our way of life.  We are brave – we truly manage to thrive in our chaotic traffic conditions and come home and say the drive was uneventful. We love our freedom – even more than our laws.  We can survive just about anything.  And we can adjust and adapt – to any conditions – given the decibel levels of the noise on the roads – noisily.  Oh and we truly love our music : It may be our boisterous songs or the noisy honking of our horns.

This barber seems to be inspired by Grimms Fairy Tales

First of all a disclaimer … I am not a serious person, and definitely not a politically astute one.  So if you are going to be (God forbid) a boring adult and take my post seriously and get into an uproar, all I would like to say is “Nyah Nyah! I gotcha!”

Now that I have got the statutory disclaimer out of the way, let me tell the children who are with me … “Guys, just check out the 75 year old child, Anna Hazare.  He fixed it for us.  He just dug in his heels with a childlike obstinacy and won the day.  Makes me seriously value the child like simplicity which I am sure resides deep down in all of us.

You know, I have mentioned it in some other blog I wrote – whenever I am too confused or conflicted, I try and talk to a ten year old.  They dont understand a lot, but sure as hell know what is important and good.  It is intuitive for them.  It cuts through the bullshit and gets me through the muddled times.

So why cant we be that simple.  It isnt hard.  That is what our default mode aught to be.

Consider this

Children on an allowance cant spend more than they have. It is as simple as that.  Wont our economy benefit from stringent budgeting?  Hell yeah, it will.  Scamsters and greedy people like Raja and Kalmadi would not thrive in such conditions.  What is more, no parent would agree to give a child more, just because he votes himself a pay raise, or overspends his allowance.

Kids do not like to stand out

Kids know all about fitting in.  No kid would like to come to school in a stretch limo, when his peer group cycles down to school.  No kid would like to wear jeans to school when the rest are in uniform.  They hate being the odd man out.  They don’t like being viewed as a teacher’s pet, or a rich privileged person.

Kids say it like they see it

Sigh!  I wish the political spokespersons of Congress, BJP and other parties knew how refreshing it is to speak to children.  No political posturing, no statements that are so patently false like Manish Tiwari’s and Digvijay Singh’s in the recent past.

But then … TV would not be half as entertaining would it?

Children like to help

It gives them joy, to help their mothers at home, and their friends and school mates.  Its been a long time since I have seen such joy in doing something significant in the faces of our national leaders.

Children respect their elders and betters

Ahem …  Wish we remembered that … all of us

Kids do not want to differentiate with other kids on basis of caste, colour and creed … or economic status

And when we teach them to – they still wonder why …

Its time, I feel that we go back to the lovely black and white world we lived in as children.

Now excuse me while I throw a tantrum before a drink my medicine and wail loudly and say, “I don’t wanna ”

But I draw a line at staging hunger strikes.  I simply dont have the will power

As is the norm I discovered the Law much before I was introduced to Mr. Murphy who actually wrote it.

And it has played a major role in my life.  Always.

Now take this instance ….

Just before Diwali, I get diagnosed as diabetic.  So I go through Diwali sans sweets.  I go on this killer “I hate sweets and wont eat carbs” routine.  Sigh!  Who am I kidding?  Once I got used to the idea, I started sneaking in some sweets – but not much.  I dont wanna die do I?  But I stopped indulging in any random treat that came my way.

Then I developed an allergy against the medicine that was given to me.  So I stopped taking it and the allergy vanished.  After a week of no medicines I visited the Doc.  Yeah, I am the sort that does not go to doctors on the grounds that they may just discover some other stupid condition and give me medicines and diet regimens.

Well, the doc says that I am not diabetic.  WTF??

This is the same dude that declared me diabetic not so many months ago.

Still – to be sure, he sends me for some tests – fasting and post fasting blood tests.

The results came in – Nope I am not diabetic.

So me being me, I decided to celebrate.  I got up today morning, added a generous dollop of honey to my morning cornflakes.  Tasted horrible!

I made myself a juicy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I feel like too much birthday cake in my mouth.  Horrible and rich.

I want to eat a spicy McChicken burger to prove to myself that I am still me.  But I have no faith in myself anymore.

I have lost the taste for things that I liked.

Need some hugs my friends

I greatly fear that either I have grown too sensible and/or old or that I have become a saint.

Help!!!

I have been good.  I have been so good for the last couple of blog posts that I have started to believe that those were written by a stranger.  I mean I miss the old Ritu.  Why the eff have I become so politically correct?

Am I growing old?

I am all for the kids doing their own thing and letting elderly me relax on my bed with my lap top.  Age and growing feeble is an asset, which should be used properly.  It can be really advantageous.

It makes the kids deal with crisis responsibly

Which is just what they did when a switchboard caught fire upstairs in the night.  They let me sleep happily downstairs while they combated the fire …. the best they could.

Apparently Kid#1 and DIL were just going to bed when there was an electrical fire.

Kid#1 tried to gently fan it away with a towel.

DIL snatched the towel away and stomped it down with all her might.

Kid#2, who woke up due to the commotion, stood blankly watching the fire, half asleep.

The two male dogs also reacted strangely.  The dacshund, Piper was so scared that he needed therapy.  He slept the night in DIL’s bed, clinging to her.

Baron, our german shephard sat watching the commotion dumbly.

Jeannie our female german shephard growled and barked at the fire, trying to scare it away.

DIL came down for her morning cup of milk and told me

“You know there was a fire last night”

Me : Whaaaat?  When, where??

DIL : I put it out.  It was me who ordered both your sons to get the towels.  Even then, they were being so gentle.  I snatched the towel from their hands and stomped the fire away.

Me : My God!

…. and I rushed to see it.

She told me how the dogs reacted … and how the men did.

Females of any species are far more alert and pro-active, even if we snarl and bark at dangers, even if our mode of action is not the ideal one.  Yeah!

But the last line has to be Kid#1′s

Oye!  Stop bragging.  I was the one who turned off the mains!

All said and done … females rock

And another thing …. do you think its time I retire???  I can, you know.  She can take care of my two boys well ….

This is Life

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder about life and its meaning.  Mercifully, I do not like to drink deep from the well of wisdom.  I am sure my brain cells thank me for not overtaxing them and so does my giddy heart, which has a healthy repulsion to pain.

Don’t get me wrong guys, What I am trying to do here is rationalize I guess.  People do profound things; they go and sit with Anna Hazare who is protesting to get the Lokpal bill passed.  People start the CSA movement, fight for women’s rights and so much more.  Much as I admire it all, I don’t seem to have it in me to participate actively.

Yeah, the quintessential rebel MOI, my all time favorite hindi song, from the movie Hum Dono sums up my attitude beautifully …

main zindagi ka saath
nibhaata chala gaya

har fikar ko dhuen mein
udaata chala gaya

barbadiyon ka shok
manaana fizool tha

barbadiyon ka jashn
manaata chala gaya

har fikr ko dhuen mein uda

Yes, that song is my philosophy in life.  Nothing lasts, we won’t either.  The world will keep on spinning on its slightly tilted axis, when I am gone too.  I hope and pray that it will be a better place, but I have my moments of cynicism, when I wonder …”Will we make a difference?” and I wonder “Have human beings changed since the times of the Dropas, the Mayans and those chappies who painted on cave walls and cut hieroglyphics on stone?”

I don’t know if things will improve or not.  I don’t even know if people will remember me after I’m done with life.  Frankly speaking, it does not bother me much.  I know we are here on temporary visa anyway.  In my understanding, this world and the life we live is an obstruction course, where a whole lot of challenges are thrown at us.  There are folk, let’s call ‘em higher beings, sitting somewhere and watching us, much like Romans sat and watched the gladiators fighting.  Oh no!  They aren’t moralistic or prim and proper.  They are watching us tackle the obstacles, munching the higher beings equivalent of popcorn and chips, drinking the higher being equivalent of Pepsi and booze.

They possibly have a whole lot of money staked on their favorites.  I know I am one of the favorites.  I provide them wholesome entertainment.

I can just imagine conversation between Higher Being 1 and Higher Being 2, sitting at a tabernae and watching us little beings (actually me) on a screen …..

H.B.1 : Oye, the female over there, you know that short chubby one?  I just threw a googli at her.

H.B.2 : Pass me the HB kurkure and a HB beer.  Which one?(HB1 points with his mouse)  Oh that one!  And what did she do?

H.B.1 : She fell.  But then she got up, smiled and managed to go through.  It was fun watching her.  Good 3 earth years she took, but she did it.  Very entertaining.

H.B.2 : She did that?  Let’s throw a more twisted one at her.  Bet she won’t manage that with a smile.  Bet she quits.

H.B.1 : That is two bets.  What are the odds?  And how much are you willing to wager?

No wonder I wade through muck, get to high ground and then land in more muck

Keep smiling.  You never know who is watching  

Papa teases Mama all the time

‘Is she yours or is she mine?’

And when I play an awesome prank

And even before Mama can go crank

He says “I’ll take the blame, I better

You sure she wasn’t delivered by courier?”

The truth is I’ve never looked like either of them

Wonder what happened to family resemblance?

One day, I was splashing  in the yard, in my plastic pool

When Brownie jumped right in, the fool

Papa stared as I jumped up, squealing in chagrin

“Why Mama”, he said, “She could be your twin!”

I climbed upstairs to click pics of the super moon. I mean, how can I not have a photo of that mysterious white ball that hangs around the earth? It is supposed to cause a lot of havoc by swinging so close to the earth. In fact some astrologers are going around crying themselves hoarse blaming the tsunami in Japan on the super moon.

What? Haven’t you watched India TV in the recent past?

All at once I started feeling like as though I am shooting a horror flick or something, and I hesitated.

As older readers of my blog know, I live on the ground floor in queenly isolation and splendor. The kids live upstairs and so do the dogs.

I stopped at the landing and promised myself that I will climb the stairs more often. Its good work out. In fact DIL was complaining today that I never come up. She is right … but then I thought she would be happy to have such a non-interfering MIL. Women! One never knows what will please them!

Well DIL was sitting on the bed laughing her guts out watching Oscar. She did not even acknowledge the fact that I came upstairs. So much for that!

Kid#1 was sitting in the lounge upstairs writing his novel no. 2

Kid#2 was in his room watching Prince of Persia

No one was even bothered.

And it occurred to me that Super Moon can come and do its darnedest. As long as Tata Sky is giving us stellar service, we ain’t gonna go anywhere in a hurry.

In fact we won’t even notice if the earth stops spinning on its axis

I commented on this fact

DIL said “Huh? Babe what is Mom talking about?”

Well, she definitely does not watch India TV

Kid#2 : Ignoring my comment : Its on UTV, Mom. Should I come down and put it on for you? The movie is awesome!

Kid#1 : To his wife : Never mind honey, you know she is a bit like Luna Lovegood.

Wish I was, then I would take a wand and zap sting bombs at them

Or fly on a broomstick to take a closer look at this lovely thing

By the way, if Gods were aliens, the moon would be their outpost, the observatory from which they keep a watch on us puny humans and our antics …

Now, have I made you uneasy?

I personally do not know why I get the cleaning bug from time to time.  In my opinion it is very inconvenient, that is, to say the least.  When it hits any one it follows one single course – it gets the poor deluded victim to climb up nooks and crannies, discard a whole lot to stuff that was sitting quietly and minding its own business and such an infection only leaves the victim sweaty, with aching muscles and a pain in the back.

Sigh – cleaning!!

Its various stages … as per my experience are listed below.  Readers can add, embellish etc etc.

1. The pre-incubus stage is brought about by A Sense of Competition

Beware!  If you are feeling that Mrs.XYZ’s home is spotlessly clean, just pause and reflect.  The lady perhaps has nothing much to do in life.  Imagine serving you tea with neatly starched cloth napkins.  Humph!  She probably even keeps tea and coffee in their respective containers.  Possibly she never heard of the creative beauty of keeping tea leaves in the sugar pot and coffee in the container marked tea. Organized is so unimaginative

Unfriend her on FaceBook

Delete her number from your cellphone

Sigh, no use ….  She has infected you, my friend.  You are suffering from the dreaded Cleaning Fever.

Now you may ask, what is the next thing to expect?

2. Delusion, the second stage

Sadly, now you are infected.  You look at them drawers, cupboards and nooks and crannies.  You laugh bravely, roll up your sleeves and declare : “Oh this is nothing.  I’ll get it done within a couple of hours.  You put on some great music like this one

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

You even sing along and get on with it.  You get one crockery drawer done, and the next . You think to yourself “I’m doing good!”

3. Devastation

Yes, that is what comes next! In your enthusiasm you have emptied the whole damn wardrobe. Ambition has bitten you and you have possibly even upturned the toy cabinet. Your home looks like a wreck and you weep a few tears wondering “How will I ever get this done?” Then you say “Don’t cry” and bawl! After that you pick up letters circa 1971 and wonder why you are such a hoarder and why did you even keep two mismatched orange socks! Then you take a deep breath and say “Don’t panic”

And then in a split second YOU PANIC!!!

Never mind, you have to let the infection run its full course. Take a deep breath, its going to get better not worse.

4. Procrastination

You settle down on the floor or bed, decide to have a cup of tea or something cold. You need it since you’ve been crying/raging/hyperventilating. Then you realize you are hungry and need a bite to eat. May be the dog needs a walk or the baby needs a change or whatever. You switch on the television to distract yourself and calm your nerves. The good news is the infection is subsiding. The bad news is that the home is in a mess. This naturally leads to the fifth stage.

5. Guilt

You look at the clock, four hours are passed since the stage of delusion. Only one wardrobe done. So you blame yourself, kick yourself in the butt, hyperventilate some more, sob some more and get on with it. You also bad mouth children, partner, husband, maid and throw the circa 1971 letters in the dust bin.

It is evening now, you are aching all over, sweaty and badly need some TLC. This is when the final stage hits you

6. Jugaad or Resourcefulness

The shelves are clean, things to be discarded have been thrown. Now you start stuffing everything willy nilly back into the cupboards. After all, what are they for, but to store and hide the mess? You kick some toys under the bed, arrange all visible things neatly and go for a long and relaxing shower.

Congratulations, you have just recovered from a major attack of the dreaded Cleaning Fever.

Yes, you may shine your halo, arrange it on your head, pour yourself a stiff drink and order a pizza. After all the Cleaning Fever leaves the victim weak and tired. One good thing though, you will get a great night’s sleep!

All images, courtesy google

As long time readers of my blog know, I suffer from foot-in-mouth-itis.  Foot-in-mouthitis can be described as a common affliction of extrovert, irrepressible females of a certain age who end up speaking or doing things without thinking of the consequences.

And one thing that readers of the blog don’t know is that Kid#2 suffers from “Me-want-Me-Grab” syndrome.  And that he thinks that “Ma-ka-maal” equals “Mera-Maal”

It leads to interesting stuff.

Case 1 : I sleepily walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth in the morning.  Pick up tooth brush and grope around for tooth paste.  No tooth paste.  Switch on light and confirm, No effin toothpaste.  I distinctly remember having a tube on the shelf.  Give up and fish out a fresh tube.  Later I investigate and find that Kid#2 has taken it upstairs.  Damn!  Don’t even ask why he did not open the spare stuff cabinet and take out a fresh tube.  He wanted – he took!

Case 2 : “Borrowing” my Ipod and ear-phones.

Case 3 : Sigh … my Blackberry

Enter sad doleful veena sounds here

Folks, not too long ago, I owned a Blackberry.  But then I had Kid#2 some twenty years ago.  Ergo, I now have no Blackberry

And dumbass that I am I did it to myself.

I kept grumbling.  See, the thing is that I wanted full BB services.  I even offered the honchos in command of telecom services for office to pay for them BB services.  They declined for reasons best known to them.  Hence I could not get the darn BB services on my phone (its a corporate connection).

I bitched about it, said “Without those services BB is a piece of shit”

Never ever ever ever say such things in front of your kids, because they are wondering how to use such stuff in their favor.  Purrfectly understandable, as long as you are not the parent!

Especially kids who are glib and excellent at marketing spiel.  Why the shit is he training to be a mechanical engineer I wonder!

Well he discovered that I had a Nokia E66 in my drawer.  He scented blood.  He sales talked me into handing over my BB to him  willingly!!!

I could kill myself!

I still could not see what had happened.

Then he activated my much longed for BB service on the said phone.

He showed me the screen that now looks so smart.

Then he said, “Thanks lady, its been a pleasure doing business with you”

Its then that it hit me!

I’ve been HAD!!!!!!

Gaaah!