Down memory lane on Valentines Day

So when did you first fall in love?

I fell in love for the first time when I was about ten. As per my kids, I was not precocious, just a damn fool. I think I agree.

But the moment I came upon a pic of his in a magazine or I heard his voice on the radio, I would simply melt

All the King had to do was sing “Love Me Tender” or “Dont be cruel” and I would melt. Thank goodness there was no television those days otherwise I would have been lost without any redemption at all.

Remember this is the time when dardnaak muhobbat ke gaane were so in on Vividh Bharati and Mohd. Rafi reigned supreme. Well the poetry of the sad emotional songs was good, so was the melody but this was so not my thing.

My idea of a broken romance is “Move on dude, there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. So the sad mournful music of the time like this … I could not empathize with it

Thankfully we had these dudes

and then these guys came … they could sing and look pretty!!

This was young, joyous and life in technicolor.

Then of course came the Angry Young Man

He was tall, hot and could kick ass. He was not into faltu ka emosanal attyachaar, and thankfully neither was India. I even wrote him poems and love letters which I never sent Sighhhhhh. One of them made history …….

I am putting a version of the one I wrote – Mom burnt the original but my siblings remember the gist and that is what I am repeating here …..

Dear Vijay

I love you. I love the way you walk into the room. My friends and I stopped breathing when you walked in wearing your uniform. I can follow you wherever you go, anywhere, everywhere, over the sky, under the ground (okay I kind of went overboard, but I was only ten or twelve whatever ….)

When I see you angry, my heart beats for you, when I see you smile, my heart beats for you, when you just stand there, my heart beats for you

All my friends want to marry you, but I want you to be mine and mine only

I love you

Ritu

Well, my brother found it (the snoopy pest!) and he showed it to my cousins and somehow my mother got to know about it. Oh I must add, I had used pink pens to draw hearts all over the letter. I added stars too ~~~

My mother was not impressed by the artistic and literary masterpiece. I was so dazzled by the movie, which I had seen thrice in 3 days, I had addressed him as Vijay and not Amitabh Bacchan! She thought some soldier or cop was the recipient of my ardour. You can imagine the commotion at home! Sigh!! The course of true love is never smooth and easy.

In real life my encounters with the opposite sex were not so good. The first guy who kissed me – well, I pushed him into the river. I was so offended – though for the life of me I cant understand why! My siblings would always advise prospective suitors to first learn swimming.

Romance and I dont sync well I guess! I’d rather drink and observe Valentine’s Day toasting to other peoples love and eating chocolate.

Romance comes and romance goes, wine, cheese and chocolate last forever. If you dont believe that – try to get rid of the weight you put on eating these

My new toy

I am a gizmo freak and well if the gizmo keeps me logged on to the net all the time, even when there are horrendous power cuts, it is just the thing for me.  For years (actually ever since I got to know about this darling thing) I have been longing for an Iphone.

Sigh!

And what do you know! I finally got it

Thank you Kid#1
Thank you The Secret
Thank you Universe
Thank you Shah Rukh Khan

and

Last but not least : Thank you Vin Diesel (Since I was thanking every one else … )

Flash back to a month back

Kid#1 : Hello Mom, what do you want from Philippines

Me : Nothing beta, yahan sab kuch milta hai

Kid#1 : Are you serious?  Look dont ask for booze and dont ask for a male Philipino.  Ab what do you want?

Me : Sigh, kuch bhi nahin.  Just come back qualified, hale and hearty

( I could have asked for sex toys, could have asked for ~ darn he said no to booze!  I could have asked for ~~~ You get the picture)

Kid#1 :  Who are you and what have you done to my Mom!

Me : LOL!  Yeah I was trying to be sensible and noble

Kid#1 : Aint working

Me : Dont waste too much money!  Yeah get me an MP3 player

Kid#1 : You want an Iphone

Me : Nobility gayi tel lene!  How much does it cost?

Kid#1 : LOL! Lemme check!

He got a slightly used one at half the price of a new Iphone.  We got it customized for India, and that took about a week!

Oh wow!  I am over the moon!  I can take pics and post em on my blog.  I can pester the kids to pose for me forever, photograph the dogs and even our fishes!  I have an Iphone.

I have put twitter and facebook on the phone.  Folks I am taking my net addiction to a new level.

Like Shah Rukh Khan said in his speech in Om Shanti Om

Mera Naam Hai ~ ~ TiTu

Remember the song in a movie called Kati Patang which went “Mera Naam Hai Shabnam”.  Hmmm I thought Bindu looked hot and Asha Parekh seriously lost in the life and charisma department.  However that is not what this blog post is about ….

It is a prayer of thanks to Godji for giving my folks enough grey matter to not name me Pinky, Tiny, Teetu, Pappu or whatever the eff  Punjabi folk name their kids.  Yesterday the car door got mended and the mechanic who did this was an obese and unkempt looking surd called Lovely

I am sure when he was a kid, growing up and committing parenticide must have featured hugely in his list of things to do.  Why dont they have a system wherein the kid gets to have a say in what he/she is named?

We have auto rickshaws proclaiming Tiny Tey Dolly Di Gaddi .  Tiny grows up to be 6 feet and huge, Dolly brought up on aloo paranthas and butter is nothing like a fragile doll.  We also have the evergreen names i.e. Pappu, Pinky, Jolly and Teetu.

Teetu or Titu whatever has played an interesting role – like the proverbial joker, he slips into a few significant incidents to make the game.

I have a cousin who was not at all academic.  Cousin V would threaten to commit suicide or run away if any one scolded him for failing or getting bad marks.  I mean his threats were at times dangerous and at times wild and creative.  So were his excuses.  If he spent a fraction of that ingenuity in trying to clear his papers he could have been home free.  But it would not have been fun.

Example :  All kids washed and dressed for dinner with report cards in hand waiting for the signature of the parents.  His turn came before ours since he was about 7 years older ….

Uncle solemnly enquired : Hor, Kiddan Kitta Paper ? (And how did you fare?)

Cousin V : Blurting out while handing his report card : Titu vi fail ho gaya.   (Titu also failed!)

Uncle : Slightly distracted : Keda Titu? (Which Titu)

Cousin V : Pointing at the hapless cousin S next in line : Titu – the one who stays four houses away, this one’s particular friend (quickly snatching the next cousin’s report and thrusting that into his father’s hands and slinking away)

Well he went without dinner and the entire evening was spent discussing how to punish him and we got off easy.

God bless Titu and Cousin V

Some years ago, a few of us cousins with kids in tow went on a bus journey to Chandigarh.  The bus stops for a longish while mid way where every one stretches their legs, visits the wash rooms etc.

One of my cousins’ wife had to nurse her baby and she went into a secluded rest room for that.  This took a bit of time.  The bus driver and conductor started getting restive.  One of the kids was sent after the mother and baby duo

Ripe for mischief and in no mood to hearing the driver grumble, the rest of the gang started creating a huge noise

Titu Oyye

Titu Oyyye

Oyyye Kithey Gaya Titu????

Titu Oyyye!!

One of the co-passengers asked “Who is Titu?”

They happily lied – “He was sitting here, just started talking to him.  We dont know him but he may have left his luggage here ….”

There was some tension as to unattended luggage that made the driver and conductor search the bus.  It took 15 minutes in which other well wishers joined in

Titu Oyyye!

Soon we had the entire bus looking for  the mythical Titu

Meanwhile the kids got the mother and infant duo back in the bus unnoticed.  The cousins regretfully abandoned their search for the mythical Titu

The bus left for Chandigarh.

Well – now we simply charter a bus.  Its way more simpler!

P.S. (This is a small adaptation of ideas I am working into a book that I am writing.  Do you think such tales will sell?  Need some feedback)

The art of gifting to people you hate

Yeah this is a social art one should learn.  One is faced with many situations when one has to paint a fake smile on the face, show pleasure, fork out a whole lot of hard earned money and get a gift for someone one wishes were wiped off the face of this earth!  We need to do the gifting thing for Diwali, for Christmas, for weddings and New Year.

If you are a north Indian, life gets easier.  You simply take a shagun envelope, pop in some money, seal it and slip it into the said person’s pocket.  Chore done!  We have reduced gifting to a simple financial transaction.  But it simply does not reflect the anger, the displeasure that one feels in parting with that sum of money does it?  I mean it does not say “Mrs. Chopra, I think you are an overfed, over made up empty headed shallow person, and I don’t give a rat’s ass that your spoilt son is getting married” etc etc. Get my drift?

Well, if one has to do the deed, I think one can do it with panache!

So here are my suggestions for really creative gifting  

EVIL GIFTING IDEAS

1. Santa themed neck tie

Dont knock it.  Someone gave ex a red christmassy tie with santas, reindeers and christmas bells on it.  The look on his face was priceless when he unwrapped it.  Well, he never wore it (obviously) and I ultimately hung a few bells using it as a string on the baby’s crib.  I have always found it really creatively evil gifting idea!  While on the subject a hawaiian shirt would do well too.

2. A hard-bound copy of the Ramayana or Geeta (written in Sanskrit with no translation).

Feel free to substitute it with other appropriate religious material.  Most effective when the recipient is young, non-religious and suffering from a hangover when he unwraps it.

3. A Morning Walker :

Ideal gift to give to an ex who is simply not moving on or getting the message.  If you do not want to spend that much money, a Low Cal diet recipe book will suffice too.

4. A dress that is just one size small.

This is purrrfect for the oh so superior patronizing females.  I have heard of a lady who did that every christmas for her daughters and daughter in laws.  Then she would insist on them modeling it for her and then cluck sympathetically and say “I simply did not realize how healthy my darling girls have grown!”

Well Alicia Keyes dress says it all ~~~ and most of us arent as shapely as her to carry it off even this much~

5. A vacuum cleaner/Vesta dish warmers.

Husbands if you hate your wives go for it!  If you hate sleeping on the couch, dont do it, tempting though it may be …..  :P

6. A life-sized framed poster of Kylie Minogue looking like this

Works wonderfully as Mrs. Chopra’s spoilt son’s wedding gift.  She can spend the rest of her life bitching about it at kitty parties, but her son wont know where to keep it – not to mention – how to explain to his bride!

7. Soap

Cheap, unimaginative.  Just sends the message that you could not be bothered to think of a suitable gift at the best; and that you think the person should wash up, at the worst.

8. A drum set (the electronic one with 6 different tones and 8 different beats) for your least favorite cousin’s brat

The good thing will be that you will no longer be on talking terms with your cousin.  A win-win situation

9. A neatly packed set of mouth freshener, dental floss and mouth wash

10. Santa Toilet Seat Covers and Shower Decorations

I saw these at Amazon, laughed my guts out and got inspired into writing this blog!

The Classic Diwali Syndrome

(I think this describes the situation in most households around Diwali/Pooja/Christmas etc. ….)

Early morning Lady of the House picks up the newspaper, discards everything apart from the pages advertising Sales, Schemes etc etc and either gets on the phone with her friends or starts planning the route to be taken with her sister/daughter etc.

Man of the house comes into the room, blearily picks up the remainder of the newspaper and his tea and tries to join in the conversation ….

M.O.H. : So what are you planning to buy today?

L.O.H. : Just some diwali things, you know, candles and toran …

M.O.H. : (Trying to be helpful) I’ll ring up Rakesh Seth and he will send them over

L.O.H. : Looking balefully : Naah, I promised (insert saheli’s name) that we would go together.

M.O.H. : Oh I see

L.O.H. : In a tone as sweet as honey : You dont mind do you? I packed your lunch, and we will order something in the night if I am late

M.O.H. : Knowing not to open his mouth to wonder why candles and toran will take the whole day : Its okay dear ……

Its the time women rule. We shop, we bargain, we hunt for deals, and fall prey to all the buy this and get that cheaper schemes

I’ve also noticed one thing …

If we live in North Delhi – we want stuff from South Delhi or Noida or Gurgaon

Somehow the malls and the deals on the other side of town seem so much more alluring.

I love to shop at Gurgaon or Delhi – I think the petrol I burn adds to the fun of shopping

Noida will do too – but definite not my town

Even though in these days of Malls, everything is available in each and every mall, all the brands, all the schemes.

Dont ask a female to explain. It is just the way it is

Then we come back home laden with goods. We go with lists of course, and come back with everything not on the dratted list.

In the evening the men of the house dutifully help us unload the packages from the car, while we come home happy and tired after blowing up far more money than we ought to, happy to share all the details of the fantastic deals and the money we saved on our spree

M.O.H. : Oh did you get the candles and toran

W.O.H. : (Without batting an eyelid!) Naaah, we’re going for that tommorow ….

HAPPY DIWALI

How to be a gracious bitch

I got this as an email forward and I absolutely wanna be like this lady! 

I am sure every woman who reads it would admire her for this

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH

 

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as he mother!

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ‘Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,’ she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her

mother, ‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.’

NOW I ASK YOU – IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN’T ENJOY THIS STORY?

Halp! My words come and bite me in the ….

My elder son has gone and I already feel the absence!

Yeah I know he’s just a phone call away …..   I also know that I have told him in all sorts of ways that he can leave and settle down anyplace in the world and its okay with me!  In fact I have told this to both the kids.  No I am not being a bitch – but I truly believe that parents have been successful if their kids learn to be completely self reliant.  I am not above throwing  a tantrum and telling them to get the F out of here, when I am being completely and unreasonably menopausal!

But see, I am on my knees apologising – that too publicly on my blog

Flashback to yesterday …..

I get home by 6 p.m. to find the maids in a tizzy.  Apparently the door that opens into the first floor of our home mysteriously got locked.  We have a fully functional apartment kind of set up on the first floor with two bedrooms, one living room, balcony etc.  The maids said they did not lock the dratted door.  The dogs cannot do it, and neither can the fishes.  We are the first occupants of this villa, so no irate ghost could be playing games…..

WELL

I cursed the damn maids, the damn door, the damn dogs etc and tried to open the door.  I tried about 2 dozen ( I am not exaggerating) 2 dozen keys, but could not open it.

Rang up Kid 2 who refused to pick up his effin cell!

Rang up Kid 1 in Phillipines in desperation!  He found things amusing (Damn Him).  Most likely he was thanking his stars that he is in Philly and does not have to be Alpha Male and set things right at home!

I got our resident electrician to climb the roof, jump into the balcony (it requires athletic prowess) and open the door.  Phew!  Once the door was unlocked I felt relieved.  The maids got busy with their cleaning and I wandered to the loo

Whadduknow!!!!!  The effin loo was locked! 

How does the same shit happen twice in the same day????

Got out that huge box of keys GROAN!  Started trying each and every one of ‘em again DOUBLE GROAN  Made a mental note to separate the darn keys into bunches that made sense

Kid 1 rang up to ask “Did the upstairs get unlocked” and went hysterical when told about my loo

“Use the other loo Mom”

Me : “No thanks Kiddo!  I like to use my own loo”

Kid 2 still wasnt picking up the phone

DIL rang up – heard my predicament and was properly sympathetic (at first)

The lock magically opened – one key actually fit!  WOW!

DIL rang up again, got the update and then said in a sweetly bitchy tone :

“You keep telling us to go away and you wanna live alone dont you?!  See this is what will happen to you old woman!”

Ouch!  I hate eating crow!

Kid 1 I am sorry!  Dont mean half of what I say anyways.  So stop laughing and feeling smug.  Kid 2, if you dont pick up the phone, your cell will be confiscated, and DIL, I hate it when you are right, especially when you are at your bitchiest best and right!

Gaaah!

Tabbouleh song

This has to be the most innovative way of learning how to make exotic food

 

Tabbouleh song

 

Damn wordpress, not allowing me to embed the video

Throw in some hummus to make it more fun

The Hummus rap

 

I really love YouTube.  You never know what you can find there

But I am going away Ma!

For the past almost two years Kid#1 has been one foot in Philllipines and one foot in home sweet home.  To me who has not been out of town for years on end it sounds exciting.

To him who hates Phillipino food, it sucks bigg time.  Apparently they add sugar to all the food.  Every thing tastes sweet, which is a big no no for a true blood Punjabi vampire

Okay – lets ammend that to True Blood Punjabi Carnivore

I almost said “I love you Sookie!” in a gravelly vampire tone, OMG I love that series

So we have one hyper Kid#1 in the home, who wants to eat

1. Aloo Meat

2. Poshto

3. Baghare Baingan

4. Aloo Matar Vadi

5. Atta Halwa

6. Poori Halwa

7. Biriyani

and other things made with love by Mom.  Standard refrain being “But I am going away Ma!”  It is completely immaterial that the trip will hardly last three months!

I am flattered!  I love the fact that my kid misses some stuff that I cook.

What escapes me is that Kid#2 has stopped going to college for the past couple of days “Because Bhai is going away Ma!”

Now that is what I call Chance Pey Dance Marna!

Editor’s note :

Since readers are wanting an update on what DIL is up to ….

Well, DIL is the first one to demand her choice of food … from both her Ma and her MIL, she makes hay – bigg time

As for cooking !

She set rice to cook in the rice cooker last night!

We got some characterless ricey melange today morning – it was not a particularly happy choice for breakfast – we all passed it

Does anyone know some magic that can be done to overcooked rice?

The X and the Y matters

I think I really had it easy as a kid.  Was the first daughter after a long ffffffffreaking long run of male children and made much of.

Then I had two sons ….

Even the dogs I had were male …..

The cats I kept did not matter since they know they do not belong to Earth and are here on temporary visa anyway!  So they keep to themselves.

Well the scene sure has changed!

For such a long time in the house I was the only one with a Y chromosome (correction, the only one with a XX chromosome!  Thanks people)

Now I live in the house of estrogen.

Two sons and two dogs are male but they cant keep up with two women and one female dog!

Welcome to hormone nightmares!

I am menopausal and can be totally unreasonable

DIL is queen of drama, so she can out-do menopausal me any time.

So where does this all take us?  Straight into the “Ismey tragedy hai, Ismey no one understands me hai, Ismey I will not listen to logic hai, ismey nobody loves me hai, Ismey you better listen to me hai”

Yeah like I said – Even one of the dogs is female

Two men and two male dogs are no match for

Jeannie the “Oh look at me I am so pretty dog”

DIL the I know I am right even if (in rare cases) I am wrong …. and gawd help you when my PMS flares up

and

ME , the no one loves me appreciates me values me I wanna go back to the galaxy far far away that I belong to.

Pheww !!! This is why protein bars will never work in my home.  Chocolate is the only solution.  I am gonna buy sackfulls, the stock is low!

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