Tag Archives: Action Adventure

My Gym Adventure

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I really don’t know when to shut up. I suffer from the classic foot-in-mouthitis. Kid#1 (keeper/minder/alpha-male/person who thinks he runs the house) was here from Flight school for a couple of months, and I confided in him that I was in awe of J, my female friend, who is also over weight but can squat in perfect yoga stance. I consider it a big achievement if I can fold my feet into a 45 degree angle after a full days work. The upshot of this was that I got talked into enrolling into a local gym for a week trial. It was the dumbest thing I did. I hurt all over. No amount of 6 pack abs and muscled hunks to ogle will make the pain go away. Even my eyelids hurt by now.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but I look forward to having thighs like my DIL. Besides the instructor is a hunk with 6 pack abs and biceps that look like something out of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Nice. I’LL BE BACK!!!! He showed me machines and put me on a treadmill, which I did for 15 minutes and burnt an impressive amount of calories. The aerobics class was cool, enjoyed watching it. He made me do crunches and I actually could do four and a half of them. This is going to be great. Just maybe I’ll get shapely legs and slim thighs and a butt that looks half-way respectable.

Day 2

Took the whole family to get me out of the door, (groan) but I made it. The instructor (I know his name now :) ) made me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then he put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Muscles feel great.

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I nearly jammed into a Scorpio, but I slammed the brakes (my thigh muscles screamed in agony) Puffed and groaned at the darn gym. Could not even face the treadmill, so Herr Hitler put me on the stepper. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? They say that regular exercise will make me live longer. Such a horrendous thought.

Day 4

Half an hour late for the gym. The instructor gave me dirty looks. Dude chill okay, I could not even bend to tie my shoes. He tells me ladies my age can do more, if they wish. Those f%$#@ing bi@#es give me a complex anyway. They should be the vamps on saas bahu soaps, they wear make up and bindis to gyms, for godsake!!! Herr Hitler wanted me to do dumbbells. Not a chance unless he wants me to dent the floor. He was still optimistic and put me on the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Herr Hitler. I hate my muscles. I hate the gym. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit him with it. He wanted me to do crunches. I have news for you, brother, I don’t have abs. I have jelly and it quivers at the sight of you and the instruments of torture. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. I could weep, but even my eyelids hurt.

Day 6

Got the receptionist of the gym ringing on my cellphone. Its too heavy, I wont pick it up and answer. I wont even get up but keep staring at the ceiling and sweating through the power cuts. Takes too much effort to even switch on the TV or listen to music.

Day 7

The last day, thank heavens. I would rather walk the dogs, its free and easy. Gyms should be renamed as interrogation/torture cells of Nazi POW camps.

J I love you very much and the parallels in our life are uncanny. Both of us are Litt grads, have two sons and a long distance relationship with our husbands. But there the similarity ends. Sister, I would love to party with you, weep and laugh with you. But you win hands down on the gym thingie. I will never envy your ability to sit cross legged on the floor again.

Sibling Rivalry

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Aaaah, it really brings back memories. My brother, a year younger to me, would blackmail me into doing his home work and then bash the shit out of me for coming first in class. I was no sissy either. Being female, there used to be a plot in the revenge I would extract. The funniest thing I ever did to him was waiting for the rain to cover this enormous pot hole (which he didn’t know about of course). One day my dream came true before the road repair dudes found it. Then I dared him to ride his bike as fast as he could through the puddle. He looked at me in distrust (I really don’t know why! :) ). So I called him a sissy and that did the trick. He hit that puddle full force, then found the pothole….his cycle stopped and he kept going with his arms splayed out!!! It was comical. I laughed so hard. He ran home before I could intercept him, and snitched. Got a good old fashioned butt whippin for that one!!!!! Ooooh the memories :D

Honestly he was such a sneaky pesky brat. He once found me in a not so nice situation (which he wouldn’t have if he weren’t snooping on me) and threatened to tell our parents. I totally lost it and the fight started in the back lawn ….. continued into the house and spilled into the front yard. The servants and the neighbour hosed us down with a pipe. He was like totally cowed down, covered with scratches, bite marks ….. I had a black eye, a bloody nose, my T Shirt was torn, and I was still bashing the shit out of him in jeans and a bra!!!!! To paraphrase one of my uncles who would routinely refree the fights we cousins had with each other —- he must’ve been a Conan and Ben Hur fan

“Attack the opponent, crush the enemy, kill them, make them flee, and hear the lamentations of their women A A A A K R A M A NNNNNNN!”

Sibling Rivalry ……… I spaced my own two sons – there is an 8 year gap between the two of them. I thought it would make the going easier. But it does kick in early. I really don’t know who has the advantage on whom. Kid #1 is fitter and stronger physically but simpler – Kid # 2 is larger, sly, and a snitch. So I guess it is evenly matched. Who needs TV when you have live entertainment like that to enjoy?
:D

Kids now a days watch a whole lot of wrestling, know things like choke holds, arm locks and such like stuff, but good old fashioned dangal is beyond them after a certain point. I never had to rush them to the emergency ward. My two brats broke the bed, covered it up with the mattress, and “forgot” all about it. When I sat on it with my cup of tea in the evening after work, I sank into it and scalded myself with the tea. I yelped in pain and the Ba@#$!ds ran in, looked at me and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Of course now they are adults and content themselves by passing sarcastic comments on each other, or walling themselves up in stony silence. What do you know, soon they will end up respecting each other and actually calling each other Bhai Sahib instead of unprintable names.

Things to do before I die

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I am putting a list of things to do before I go out of this world, just so that it is a commitment to me ;)

  1. First and foremost : get debt free and get some sort of a nest egg – this is v v important, since I do not want to leave a trail of IOUs for my kids to settle.
  2. Become a Silva graduate. I practise the method, but have no formal training in it. I just do it as I can understand it.
  3. Learn the art of glass blowing – I am serious. I find it fascinating and would love to learn how to make those pretty things.
  4. Live a year in some random country. It would be fun to do so. Mexico is one place I would love to go and live in.
  5. Sky dive at least once. People who know me will laugh at this one since I suffer from vertigo. But life is all about conquering your circumstances and fears, is it not? :)
  6. Fly in a hot air balloon (once in my lifetime) Ha ha
  7. Write a best seller that publishers would beg me to give them the chance to publish, lol
  8. Buy a piece of land in the mountains where I would live in the Delhi summers
  9. Learn Japanese (they have the most awesome anime!!!)
  10. See Madame Tussaud’s

Run-away Groom

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One of the most interesting weddings I have had the good fortune to attend has been the wedding of a friend’s friend. We were in college when this young dashing army officer was getting married to his childhood sweetheart. My friend had to attend the wedding and needed company. I was more than happy to accompany her. We reached the bridegroom’s place well in time for the baraat to leave. The bridegroom was an avid polo player and was very attached to his polo horse, a mare named Guinea. He insisted that he would ride his beloved Guinea to his bride’s place. The family had given in to this wish of his.

At the appointed hour, Guinea was brought from the stable to the groom’s front gate. She was skittish and would not allow herself to be decorated. With great difficulty, she wore some of the customary decorations. Then the rituals began. The sister in law of the groom came with the plate of chana to feed the horse. She backed away, snorting suspiciously. The sisters of the groom were too intimidated and refused to tie the decorative strings to her bridle. The groom took all this in good humour and climbed the mare, whispering soothingly into her ear. Then disaster struck. The band wallahs struck the noisy orchestra that accompanies every baraat. This was too much for poor Guinea. She took off in panic at a break neck speed with the groom astride her …. to the total astonishment of the baraatis.

After an hour the groom returned galloping at full speed to the house. His turban and sehra were a mess. The sisters jumped up in joy, and started teasing him and asked “Where did you go? We thought you had panicked and run away”

Even though he was sweaty and short of breath, his good humour was totally intact. He replied with an absolutely straight face “Oh Guinea got jealous and wanted to elope with me. I had to pacify her. So I rode her around the India Gate roundabout 7 times. Now she knows she is my Biwi No. 1”

Needless to say, the baraat had to go to the bride’s place without a horse. The bridegroom rode in a car!!!

Mating Season

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This happened a few years ago. I had been interacting with some foreign buyers at work. It was around Diwali and they found India intimidating. The roads were impassable, the sheer numbers of people shopping and driving fascinated them and scared them. We wear (as per them) the most amazing colours. One of them could not get over my electric blue jacket. Damn it, I love that jacket!!!! He thought he needed to wear sun glasses even to look at it!

Around November-December many marriages get solemnised. So there are countless number of Baraats which hog a major chunk of the road and the first few times they encountered ghodis with bridegrooms and the band-baaja that accompanied the baraat, they were thrilled and took a lot of pictures. But soon this diversion palled. We were driving one evening when the road was jammed because of a baraat. This guy (I think he fancied himself a wit) turned around and asked me “Does this happen round the year?”. I tried to explain that marriages were solemnised mostly during the winters. “Aha!” he exclaimed. “Now I understand. You Indians have a mating season”.

Hmmmmm, I dunno ….. may be we do.

Shaadi Shaadi Shaadi

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It’s been a crazily prolonged winter this year – and along with the chilly winds comes the wedding season.

I think I must have attended about 8 weddings starting from last week December to first week of February, which as most people know means an average of 3 functions per wedding. Phew!!! Unlike my daughter in law who loves to dress up and is excited at the sight of an invite – I normally think of a wedding invitation as a chore. One has to figure out what gift to give, what to wear and worse, what to get my younger son to wear!!! He is such an aborigine, he lounges around in the minimum of clothes and thinks dressing up is such a waste of time.

The normal scene at home is something like this:

Esha comes home from work and spies the invitation and says “Oh goody, its Shaadi time!!! Mom,who is getting married. Where do we go? What do I wear”.

Kartikeya says “Oh my God, another one? Mom can’t we avoid this?”

Both of them start exchanging not so nice remarks about each other and I am left to organize the driver, the trip to the bank to check out the jewellery both of us women have to wear, the shagun etc. etc.

When D-Day comes, Esha is dolled up (and looking gorgeous I must add) well in time. Thanks to her, so am I. Kartikeya at around this time, normally wanders in still in his track suit and looks at us surprised “Dressed already? Oh my God, Bhabhi, what do I wear?” This leads to another friendly exchange of insults, but the up shot is that Kartikeya also gets dressed(quiet decently). Finally the Lalits are all dressed and ready to go for the party.

At the party, Kartikeya always manages to find us a table near the bar. Its an art, I must say. It ensures non stop supply of drinks and snacks. The down side is that we end up saying Hellojee, Namaste jee etc. to every one, even those crashing bores that we wish to avoid.

I have observed a very interesting thing. All men are dressed up warmly – and since Delhi-NCR is so cold this winter, many men are wearing mufflers and caps too. But the ladies, bless their brave souls, are gorgeously dressed in beautiful sarees and jewellery. Not one woman did I see at any of the wedding functions wearing a shawl, sweater or even warm socks. Who says that only men are brave. We women can face the most inclement of weathers with smiling fortitude!!!

Of course it is another matter that when we come home, we quickly get into thermal underwear, wrap ourselves in heavy warm quilts and sit in front of the heaters to thaw.