We are like this only

Once upon a time, somewhere in Rural India lived a family. The Head of the Family had four wives and lots and lots of children. The girls were of course a total loss so for the interest of the story, the HOF had two sons, who were called Ram and Lakhan. The rurals are not too original. I can point out a whole lot of farming families that have sons named Ram, Lakshman, Bharat and Shatrughan or variations thereof. Of course if they have more sons, the Pandava names are roped in and once in a while a dark coloured chap is named Krishna or Gopala. However, I digress.

Lakhan is no. 16 offspring and was born to the number three wife when many of his elder sisters were already married. He has spent his entire life being bullied by his elder sisters, his mothers and also his brother’s wife. He was married off to someone from his sister-in-law’s family which puffed her up a lot, much to the disgust of his sisters. Well, in a few years he had his first son. The rurals do not count the daughters any way, (he has two of them). He works as the photocopier cum dispatch clerk at my work place. He took two weeks leave for the celebrations in April. He came back very disturbed. Apparently his sisters consulted some astrologer who predicted a grim fate for his son Rameshwar (LOL, love the name – so original).

A pooja had to be performed which required a list of 57 items. I wish I had copied the list – which was very impressive. Some of the items were

Soil trodden by the left foot of an elephant
Urine of a white buffalo
Broken bangle of a freshly made widow
Soil from the courtyard of a living churail (living female ghost)
Surf from the ocean
Banyan tree root from a chauraha (four way intersection)

These I can remember because they sounded crazy and impossible. I had a bet with another colleague (Rs.500/-) that this list could not be completed. I was sure the sisters had played a prank because they wanted to make mischief for the sister-in-laws. Well, it took our Lakhan 8 months to get the list completed, and he did. He even found a living churail! This can happen only in India!

The story of the living churail is interesting. Apparently a man had lost his wife. He dearly loved her and mourned her deeply. He refused to get married again. After a few months, his family started noticing that though the man was happy, he was wasting away. His sister-in-laws kept a close watch on him. When he went to sleep in the night, they saw someone enter his room. They peeked in and saw their dead sister in law! They freaked and ran to report to their husbands. The panchayat was called and a priest was consulted. The priest said, “When the churail comes to visit her husband, her clothes have to be burnt, otherwise he will die”. The man was quite reluctant, but ultimately gave in. One night when the woman came and got into bed with him, he threw her clothes out to the waiting ladies and the pujari who promptly burnt them.

Well, as per Lakhan, he visited this village, asked for directions to the “Churail ka ghar”, went and knocked the door. He sought her permission, explaining his problem. She graciously granted the permission, stood watching as he dug some soil from her courtyard, while rocking her son in her lap.

All I can say is WOW!!! Welcome to the 21st century!

I have new shiny digs and a new friend

I am very hep and kewl now :D

I am a netizen and own property on the internet.  Yes I am blowing my own trumpet shamelessly.  I belong to a generation that can be called B.I. (Before Internet) and am adapting nicely to the A.I. (after internet) scenario and am feeling quite proud about it.

My friend and accomplice in this entire endeavour has been Mahjabeen of Studio M.  I really admired the header that Mad Momma put up on her blog and so got in touch with Mahjabeen.  I seriously toyed with the idea of uploading a pic of Praveen Babi walking out of water as my header, but was talked out of it.  The argument my family used was creative to say the least

1. You are not Praveen Babi (I know I know)

2. You dont look good in a bikini (Yeah I know, snarl, shut the fuck up)

3. Every time you see the blog it will make you want to race to the gym and bust your ass trying to look like her (sigh! you win, who needs that kind of competition anyway)

So Mahjabeen, who patiently waited for my final instructions got together with me and we settled for a header having me weaving the web with my hands and draping it on the W, Kid#1 in a pilot get up on the runway, Kid#2 (the engineer) with his mechanical gears as a background on the top and the footer has DIL with very arty background as she is the artistic one (interior designer no less) on my web page.

A very big thank you to Mahjabeen who succesfully interpreted my airy, vague, and often incomprehensible suggestions and gave them a concrete visual format.  It has been a wonderful experience interacting with you, my dear.  I have also been enriched by knowing her, she is so polite and approachable.  My mommy would have loved you my dear and would have told me ‘Why cant you be like her?”

I have told my sons that if they dont behave, I’ll put baby pics of them in the nude or dressed in girlie frocks for all eternity on my web page!  After all Mere paas Maa …. oops sorry …. Mahjabeen hai.

I had bought my domain a month or so ago and now the domain had to be shifted on the server.  I swear it was like the final stages of pregnancy.  It took more than 24 hours for the move to be accomplished, and guess who held my hand and told me :

Take it easy Ritu and

  •  
      Inhale through your nose 2-3-4, exhale through your mouth 2-3-4.
      Make sure that you don’t do it too fast.
  • When the contractions become stronger again, and this technique doesn’t seem to cut it anymore, this is what you do:
  •  
      Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee

Yes, it was Mahjabeen helping me every step of the way.  I truly made a new friend. 

Relax, wander about, enjoy the new digs and let me know what you think of it.  Feedback is always appreciated.

I am a big girl now, I can take it.

If I cant, I’ll just find an image of you, get Mahjabeen to photoshop it and dedicate an entire post on you.  Hehehehehe After all Mere paas Maa … hajabeen Hai
:D

Long Time No ……

So that’s your exercise. “Long time no..” is your prompt.

Fiction, poetry, essay, vignette, character study, script, whatever comes easiest to you. Better still, whatever comes hardest; extend yourself and try a genre you’ve never attempted before.

- Up to 1000 words.
- Not more than one contribution per member per week.

MY STORY

She stomped in angrily muttering expletives under her breath.  I looked up from the Ludlum I was reading and asked “What’s biting your ass now”

 

“That bloody cow!  She made me get up from the seat.  She thought I was a boy.  I had to stand in the bus all the way from Defence Colony to Maurice Nagar”

 

I threw her a bottle of Bisleri and bookmarked my page.  This was going to take time.  She gulped down the water and plunked her skinny ass on my armchair without removing the clothes kept on it.  I suppressed a groan and looked at her expectantly.

 

“Effin bitch!” she said throwing the bottle at the dustbin and watching it bounce away from it.

 

“Who?”

 

“Some fat woman on the bus.  She told me that the seat was meant for ladies and made me stand.  Dammit I am a woman!  Bitch!  She probably would have noticed that I am a girl but she had fat instead of grey matter in her brain”

 

I sighed and looked at her.  She was tall, dark and beautiful.  Her 5’7” frame was skinny and this is North India where girls are supposed to be short, fair and curvy.  She was normally clad in jeans and tees and had short hair like Kajol in the first half of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.  Her parents had named her Madhulika, but every one knew her as Mads. 

 

“Mads you need to look and feel like a girl to be treated like one.  You know what?  You need a girl bra.  Burn your damn sports bras and get a girl bra, wear shirts with jeans and see the difference”.

 

She looked at me as though I had lost it. 

 

“Ritu, I am a girl and girls do wear sports bras you know.  What’s wrong with Tees?”  The tone was extra patient as though she was humoring a mental retard.  I gave her an irritated look and got up from the bed.

 

“Okay lets go out” I said giving my Ludlum a wistful look. 

 

WTH, I hadn’t even approached the issue of lipstick as yet…  Girl bras are good and feminine – at least one doesn’t have to squish parts of your body into one sling that leads to back fat.

 

Mads was ecstatic with our trip to the mall even though she had to do the old lady thing of hooking the bra up front and then twisting it around.  She even bought a couple of shirts.  She preened in front of the mirror and then said to her reflection

 

Long time No See

 

“Talking to your feminine self?” I asked

 

Nah, to the two of them.  Dammit I always thought I had a uniboob you know, I actually have two boobs.  Oh Ritu, you know what, my shirt does that thing you know – gaping hole between second and third button.

 

I cracked up.  We both started giggling like demented females.  I somehow said between giggles, “Pay your bill and let’s move”

 

She looked at her reflection again and said

 

Long time No See, the two of you.  See you soon.

 

Yup! Another boob post

I am famous.  I have talked about the G-spot, I have talked about cleavages in my blog, and guess what, I’ve become a porn rock star.  The post about the g-spot got over a thousand hits, and the one about cleavages might get to that score one day.  All that fancy education, graduation, post graduation, MBA did not get me the stardom that blogging about natural female assets got me!  My parents would be soooooo proud of me heh!  I am planning to get a pic of Pamela Anderson’s boobies as my chat picture and put the slogan under ‘em, “Talk to them girls, I ain’t chatting” for the benefit of the google perverts.

I kid thee not, the google perverts have discovered this blog and are sending me proofs of their undying love for me.  LoverboyAmit91 writes “Your pretty hot mom. I Love MILF’s Can you send me some sexy picture of you?”. 

Sure why not? Please learn some grammar first, while I figure out what MILF is.

HeartbreakKid says ILUVU.  ur so f*cking hot. i wana lik ur boobys. merry me pleez or i shoot.

Aww HBK, I do love meeting WWE fans, but my boy friend would shoot you dead

The rest of you, your love floats my boat, but my diary is full and no date is possible.

HOWEVER, just to show that I love you right back, I am giving you all a gift

I know them girls arent her’s but they sure look good on her :)
:D
I hope HBK and Loverboy love her more and not flood my comments section
Edited to add : MILF means Mothers I’d like to F—-
Nice, really nice.  Thanks internet for completing my education

Stop! Or my Mom will Shoot

No, this is not a movie review

Both the boys went yesterday to the Mall and brought me a gift … probably because they saw Singh is King without me, and then went ahead and saw Rock On without me, even though I whined, sulked and put them on a punishment diet which was totally vegetarian.  I think a steady diet of beans, brinjals and cabbage brought them to their senses.  So they got me a cd of the latest movies (yeah even though piracy is a dirty word, it has its plus points) and a copy of Stop! Or my Mom will Shoot, a delightful movie starring Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty … because the Mom reminds them of me.  I guess I will forgive them and make them aloo meat – the sucker for flattery that I am.

We watched it last night – I am sorry Akshay and Farhan, you will have to wait.  Its a movie I have seen earlier and loved it.  The boys took me on a trip down memory lane “for my blog” they said grinning.  Hmm, okay … I’ll put that one on my blog

At 11 years of age, Kid#1 was very bitter and angry.  Angry because his Mom and Dad had split and his family was subject of a lot of gossip.  Angry with his Dad for certain valid reasons.  To channelise the anger, I had enrolled him into martial arts.  He loved it and excelled.  He’s naturally athletic and he developed a killer kick which punched a hole in our front door one summer.

One evening, I came home from work, to find a major commotion in the street involving my boys and some other kids of the colony and some parents.  Oh shit!  My first thought was that my babies have got hurt and I rushed into the crowd.  One of Kid#1′s friends and Kid#2 quickly filled me up on the story.  All the boys had been playing cricket in the park, when Kid#1 was (as usual) winning.  A boy from the other team did not like it and a fight ensued.  The other boy called my son Maddar…… and Kid#1 does not like any one ANY ONE dissing his mother.  That is any one but him and sometimes his younger brother.  He used his Tae Kwon Do moves on the disser, who went home bawling.

The bawler’s mother was screaming at the my boy, threatening him with dire consequences.  Kid#1 was apologising and being very restrained.  Before I could get into the act, the father of the other kid, who had just come home and not even dismounted from his scooter, revved it up and threatened to run over my kid.  What happened next was instinctive.  I saw the scooter coming at my son, and I just stepped forward and yanked the man by his collar off his scooter with a (in my irreverent spawns’ words) yell that would raise the dead.  His scooter fell – and i threw him on it … the bugger was heavy.

Then I got carried away by my own Wonder Woman act, and shook a threatening fist at the mother-father duo and growled “Don’t you ever come near my kids and if I see that child of yours around them …..” and collected my kids in a huff and stomped away.

Very impressive, was it not?  The only thing that spoiled the entire act was that I am 5’1″, was wearing jeans and a tee, and do not look my age.

I heard someone say while we were walking off “Is she is his mother?  I thought she was his Didi”

My horrors were not impressed.  As soon as we got into our own home, they broke into totally hysterical laughter.

Such is life …..

Sassy Kids

There were those good old days, when parents were parents.  When they gave “the look” it pretty much made you shut the hell up and wish you had disappeared into a black hole.  My mother had that effect on me till her dying day.  I think it scarred my spirit for life, heh!  Swear Mom, I am giving you total respect so that you dont give me hell when I graduate outta here and meet you again.  See, I’m giving you bhav, like a good dutiful daughter!!  My father was the quiet sorts and we were taught to fear him.  He was the appointed Judge ( whether he liked it or not ) , Mom was the Police Department, and we were the Criminals of the “Guilty until proved innocent” genre.  Every few days, we were marched in shackled in front of Dad, our misdeeds listed, punishments were handed out, while we blubbered and whimpered in agony and we slunk out rubbing our sore backsides.

Ahh those were the good old days.  Kids had manners and parents were more interested in parenting than in being friends with their kids. 

I am not advocating whipping the little pests on their tiny tender backsides … well not exactly that, but well, you get the idea.  At least we know how to say please, sorry and got to our classes in time.  I went through parenting with a double handicap -

1. I worked and the kids spent the day with their granny – yeah the same lady who beat me senseless for getting less than 60%, or being me.  She actually pampered them and gave them much more leeway than I ever enjoyed!  There is no justice in this world!

2. I had no Daddy figure to dispense the judgements.  I could not rat on them and reduce them to tears.

If I threatened them with dire punishments, they would just yawn.  I could not outwrestle them.  I am pretty sure that if I did try to bash them up, they would throw me down, sit on me and I dunno – mebbe fart ? That is if I managed to get through the protective cordon set up by their granny.  I agree, the most effective way to strike fear in their very souls would have been to duct tape their sassy mouths, tie them to the wall and then smack them.  But life did not grant me such pleasure.  One of the better moments I was granted was one day when Kid#1 broke the front door one summer day when he wanted to get in and no one answered the door bell.  I really was tempted to whip him with a wet leather belt … but settled for having him pay the expense of a new door through his pocket money.  It was better than chocolate fondue and non-fattening too.  Oh he also had to write me a 400 word essay on how he needed to respect the home he lived in.  He hated it, which was totally worth it.  : )

Yeah sonny, pay back is a bitch …… and so is your mother!    

For most part, they were nice kids who got along well, but there is a universal truth about kids and long car rides.  A drive to Delhi from home takes more than an hour – and they would bicker every single moment, every damn time we would be coming home from Delhi.  They would be tired, I would be tired, and it would be painful.  Mostly I would ignore it or turn on the radio and try to drown them out. 

What I am relating here is a legend at our house.  Kid#1 was in his irritating 14th year of existence when his only goal in life was to make his kid brother whine.  And Kid#2 is a whiner.  It was a cold wintry night, it was raining and the traffic was crazy.  They were squabbling and I was wondering how much I could sell them for…… I had asked them to shut up many times and they had just ignored me.

They started hitting each other and I lost it.  I braked, drove to the side of the road and yelled

“Its enough! I have had enough of this, and I dont need more of this shit.  You dont want to listen to me and I do not want to listen to you.  Shut Up!”

Total silence

“Get out of my car”

Total silence.

“GET OUT NOW!!! OUT! OUT BEFORE I LOSE IT!”

Kid #1 white faced : But Mommm, its far away from home!

Kid#2 : Waaaaaaaaaa

Me : You should have thought of it before.  Out

They looked at me, I must have looked demented, so they got off, reluctantly.  I stomped on the pedal and sped away.  Not very far – just a few yards away while they were gathering their wits.  Then I braked.  They ran up to the car to find it locked.  I lowered the window and looked at the little demons who looked ashen faced and growled “When I say shut up – I mean it.  Are you guys deaf or something?”

“Sorry Ma, we promise to behave” they whined and groveled.

I nearly softened then, but decided that the lesson should be underlined and highlighted in red

“Too bad, start walking.  I’ll decide when you get in.”

They looked at each other and started walking hand in hand.  I drove slowly next to them.  Poor things, they looked pathetic in their wet clothes.  I melted and nearly allowed them in.

Kid#2 looked at me accusingly through his tears and said “Bad Mamma.  I’ll never be so mean to my kids when I grow up”

Wrong thing to say.  I revved up and they ran after me, all arguments forgotten.  Soon they were sweating, and I stopped the car.  They climbed in quietly, into the back seat, giving me the cold shoulder.  I turned on the heat quietly, and we drove back in blessed silence. 

Soon we were home, and they ran to their grandmother to snitch on me.  I could hear them – the spawn from hell ….

Kid#1 : You know, I could have walked all the way home.  I was just getting started

Kid#2 : Yeah.  Its a good thing Granny, you did not make her do that when she was little.  She’d have fainted or died from the effort of walking.

I got into bed with blue-prints of dungeons in my mind, dark, cold, smelly dungeons, where I could throw them and lose the key.

My other story

The Ghost on the Boundary Wall

 

I can still remember my first encounter with the fear of supernatural.  I was about 8 years old and my younger brother Sonu was 7.  We lived in Meghalaya – a really beautiful part of India, and this was long before civilisation really came to that part of the country.  We were allotted a huge bungalow, complete with outhouse and servants quarters and sprawling lawns.  The net result was that we were isolated from the hoipolloi.

It was about mid June, on a Saturday.  May brother and I had just finished dinner.  Our parents had gone to the club when it started raining in earnest.  Father rang up to tell us that they would not be driving home in the storm and that us kids should lock the house up from inside after informing the guards.  Now this left us alone in the huge house i the middle of what appeared to us in the night like a huge jungle.  All of a sudden, there was a huge crack of lightening and the power failed.  I was in my bed at that time – and started quaking with fear.  My younger brother came running into my room absolutely terrified.  Dee …. dee, can I sleep with you?

Now I could not admit that I was scared too.  So like a very brave elder sister … I took charge.  I smiled and told him, “Sure, but let’s play knots and crosses”, a game he hated and I was addicted to.  He agreed making a face.  Both of us together lit a lamp, got out our pencils and some paper and started playing.  As time went by, it was more like a night without parents and we were savouring our independence.  We took the lamp and went to the kitchen, got ourselves some cookies and lemonade, and had a party.  Then we sat down to laugh and discuss the daily happenings in school.  The fear receded and we feld very brave and grown up – two children in a seven bedroom house all alone.  We both pretended that it was quite okay and together we could face anything.  Soon the oil in the lamp went down and the wick needed trimming, the lamp-light became dim.  So we decided that we should sleep together and got into my bed for the night.

There was a loud crash followed by a huge earthquake that woke us up.  All pretence at bravery was over.  The lamp had gone out and we did not even know what time it was.  On the top of that, we could not find the matches.  I had started crying and it was Sonu’s turn to be the brave, macho brother.  Both of us held hands, I was holding the lamp and we walked to the kitchen, Sonu leading the way.  That walk is etched in my memory – a wooden floor with creaky floor boards, an open window slamming again and again in the storm, and tree branches rustling and groaning in the storm.  We never reached the kitchen.  We had reached the living room, which overlooked the boundary wall of the bungalow lawns – about a mile away.  From the distance we could see the wall on and off in the flickering lightening.  All ourfears were realized!!! On the wall looking straight at us in the flikering light were two heads.  I forgot all reserves and started wailing.  The lamp slipped and fell our of my hands and broke.  Sonu somehow managed to hold on to me and take me to the two seater sofa close by.  Bothe of us sat down on the sofa with our eyes focused on the wall.  We could not take our eyes away from the two people peering at us.  I whispered to Sonu “Shall we scream for the guards?”, Sonu did not even waste a minute and started yelling “Chowkidaar, Chowkidaar” but most probably the guards were sitting inside the room, away from the cold rain and could not hear the screams of a terrified seven year old boy.  I had lost my voice and could not say anything – all efforts brought just a quavering “Help .. bachao” from me.

Both of us kept sitting on th couch – our horrified eyes fixed on the heads that were looking at us menacingly all through the night.  After a while, the tears and fear took its toll on us and we drifted into an uneasy sleep, cuddled into each other.  I woke up with a start in the morning, weak sunbeams lighting up the room … Our parents had just come home.  Father and Mother came into the house, saw us both on the couch, and woke us up.   We had eyes for nothing but the boundary wall.  What we saw had us speechless.  Some one had apparently picked up coconuts from the palms growing near the gate and place on the wall were two halved coconut shells and we had actually spent the entire night petrified because of two coconut shells.

Well! I have actually got two stories published!

I have been writing ever since I could pencil two alphabets together … even though no one in my immediate family cares about what I pen.  Being the thick skinned tolerant person I am, I forgave ignored them and carried on nonetheless.  Two of my stories have actually been published in Creative Writing and Translation Studies – Reader for Class XII.  Am thrilled and to prevent myself from getting big-headed, I will just go and read blog entries of me falling in ditches or my evil spawn getting the best of me.  Here is one of them :

MONKEYS DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR

 

My brother Sonu and I studied in the rather plebian Kendriya Vidyalaya – which made perfect sense to my parents because as a government servant, my father could get posted to any part of the country the Powers That Be deemed fit.  We did not mind it because in the schools like Kendriya Vidyalaya we learnt more about life and the world around us (and got to have more fun ) than the much more rarified academic atmosphere of the socially approved private schools in bigger and more centrally located towns of the country.

 

We must have been in our early teens when we were sent to KV Imphal, Manipur.   The school was housed in an old Circuit House and was very close to the Hanuman Mandir of the town.  Imphal in those days as I remember it was a small town built around the river Imphal.  Our school was situated on one bank of the river, and the Hanuman Mandir was on the top of a small hill across the river.  There was a rope bridge that connected the two banks of the river ……. And boys being boys, the sport Sonu and his friends indulged in was to drive their cycles at top speed over the rope bridge, around half way down the river, the bridge became a steep incline – so they would have to cycle up-hill.  Then after they reached the other side, they would turn back and cycle down full speed.

 

Every Hanuman Mandir has its own tribe of resident simians – and the tribe which lived in this temple was particularly bold, well organized in army fashion.  The general was huge by simian standards and had lieutenants who were not above snatching prasad from the devotees that visited the mandir and if the devotees resisted, the entire tribe of monkeys would launch a full scale attack and chase the hapless devotee down-hill.  Every day, they would wait for the temple bell to ring and would gather on the steps of the mandir to attack the devotees.

 

Over-bold monkeys and boys aged 12 is a recipe for disaster – - – -

 

It was a winter day, the river was mercifully not in full spate.  It was lunch time in school and as was the norm, all the boys and girls from age 12 to 17 were on the river bank.  The girls were sitting on the steps leading to the river, gossiping.  The elder boys were ogling girls or trying to get close to them, and the younger ones were cycling up and down the rope bridge.  Sonu and his friend were also cycling.  Sonu had a paper bag of peanuts in his hand and when he reached the bank near the mandir, he was munching peanuts.  The monkeys wanted the peanuts.   Sonu had no intention of sharing them.  So he did what any 12 year old cheeky boy would do – he offered the peanuts to the monkeys and then stuffed them all in his mouth, laughing at the monkeys.  That was a big mistake.  The general gave the call for attack.  The entire battalion of monkeys descended on the bridge chattering and baring their teeth and launched an attack on Sonu.  Sonu screamed and fled on the cycle , with monkeys chasing him.  Around the middle of the river, where the bridge was now on a steep incline, two of the agile lieutenants climbed on Sonu’s back and one grabbed at the cycle.  Sonu gave up and jumped into the river with his cycle.  There was chaos by now on the river bank, with boys and girls screaming and crowding near the bridge – but no one had the guts to get on the bridge.  The monkeys had pretty much won the territory and now had occupation rights on the bridge.  Sonu and cycle were in the river.  Some panic stricken seniors had run to the school and got the teachers.  Imphal being a one-horse town – my father was notified by an interested spectator and he reached school poste-haste.

 

It was an impasse.  The monkeys did not get peanuts, and had decided that we would not get the boy.  They would not allow any one to get on the bridge.  The school boys tried to stone them – but it only infuriated them.  Some enterprising teacher tried to drive a scooter on the bridge to scare them and they pushed the scooter and climbed on the teacher’s head and scratched his face.

 

One hour had passed and Sonu by now was quite chastened, and was shivering in the water.  The pandit from the mandir was called and he tried to pacify the monkeys but it did not work.  The kids were delighted that they now had got one hour of unscheduled freedom from classes.  A crowd had gathered on the river bank and every one had their own inputs to give.  The monkeys by now had settled on the bridge, suckling the young and grooming each other.  Stoning had had no effect, temple bells had been rung but the monkeys who normally ran uphill in the hope of getting prasad did not respond to the temple bells.  Even scooters that would normally make them flee did not work.

 

No one knew how to break this impasse.  In this situation, an old lady about 70 years of age came to the river bank. Upon enquiring the cause of the commotion, she just said – go get a lot of peanuts from the market.  5 kgs of peanuts were procured and offered to the monkeys.  The general came up, inspected the peanuts, was satisfied and ordered a retreat.  The monkeys collected the sack, and ran off to their side of the river and a shivering chastened Sonu was hauled up from the river.

 

Please rate the story – this one and the next one I upload

 

I am single ….. Why?!

This is in response to a whole lot of people who want “frandsip” with me on Orkut and also the innumerable times I have had to field questions like “How do you manage ….?, don’t you feel ummmm lonely?”

Yes I want frandsip from all of you perverts who think that I have joined Orkut to indulge in cyber sex or meet at HIV laden places for an orgy.

And yes I can not manage without having your lechy hands all over my middle aged body and helping you get it off in a binge of uprotected sex.

Seriously people get a life.

Okay okay, rant over.

When I was 16, I had wavy hair which I hated, a figure which was very curvy and a face that would give a lot of Bollywood sirens a run for their money (the last is stretching the truth a bit, but what the hell heh.) In my eyes I was hot!!! I had a whole lot of admirers that made me think I was irresistible. Romance meant something those days. Romance meant that the boy would play the guitar and serenade me with Neil Diamond songs, we would share an ice-cream, may be try a little French kissing and a bit of the boob graze. Today romance means someone taking out the garbage, getting me maida even though its raining and helping me fold the laundry, and most importantly managing the accounts. I suck big time at budgeting. That was then and this is now ….., but I digress. Younger kids would be enlisted to deliver notes from admirers to me, and replies were inked into the notes that were returned (after great giggly consultations with other girls). Now that was romance.

Now one gets sleazy frandsip requests on Orkut or wierdos on the chat. Yuch! Where has all the romance gone? Now excuse me while I go to my spam box and delete all the mail that assures me that I can buy Viagra to spice up my love life or get help to enlarge certain non-existing body parts.

Who says I’m old ??? I still rock !

Let me get the apologies and disclaimers in place at first since I value my friends and relatives very much …. and I value my neck and life even more … :)

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I love you guys a lot and can not imagine life without you. You have kicked me in the butt when I have been wrong, cheered for me when I did something wonderful, cried with me when I was faced with tragic losses and then helped me back on my feet. You have even forgiven me for my horrible sense of humor. I hope you forgive me now. I love ya all guys, am on my knees pleading … please – - -

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All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I am normally a very self contained person – my kids and dogs are my world. I rarely socialize apart from the few women friends. Distance and busy lifestyles have made it impossible to meet people for months at a stretch. I have kept in touch with a lot of my pals thanks to chat windows but that is all. Recently I met my old college mates (after “gasp” 20 years). We had a old students meet with spouses in tow, with the stipulation that no one below the age of 40 was invited – and it was rocking. ;)

Apart from the shock one gets when one meets people after a long time and thinking “Oh boy – they look old, and that means that they also think I look old” I had a fun time.

First of all, there seems to be a trend – there are a whole lot of women who are single and not ready to mingle. This certainly means that women have got comfortable about being alone – great. There was a time in the party when we were only women dancing, the men cheered from the sides – a far cry from the guys only dance floors of yesteryears. We rocked!!!

People don’t change you know. A man who is healthy, single and secure will hit at women, even though the lady who is the subject of his attentions will be trying her best to ignore him. This happens at any age – whether the man is 22 or 55 years old. Quite a blast from the past, heh

At a certain point in the party, if you are male, you will gravitate towards the bar or “panghat” where along with other males you will attempt to drown yourself in alcohol while checking on the cleavages and other assets of women attending the party. It is a pan-Indian phenomena.

The above holds true unless your spouse/lady friend/sister admires a certain man. Then you will engage the said male in a drinking contest. The last man standing wins.

The above two hold true unless the said other male (wise man) starts oozing paternal vibes towards each and every woman. Then you will get confused and quietly nurse your drink.

Poor spouses of some of the gals/guys – who attend but dont mingle, why? Perhaps they attended to assure themselves that we were respectable people and this was a respectable do. I could see them apply themselves to their food and alcohol with total concentration while playing the role of guardian. For heavens sake, chill, people, if we had to do something, we would have done it much much earlier at a less public place. Public seduction is difficult to carry out.

Of course, self centred me – once I spotted my best female friends, there was much hugging and squealing and giggling – I got oblivious of all the rest of the people. Someone reprimanded us and then we behaved and circulated.

I have a bad taste in men. I either go for rogues or the strong silent sort. Spotted both those types – but could not make inroads. I swear, did not even manage phone numbers and hi hellos.  Sigh!!! Another wasted opportunity.

Went home happy – the food was good, the drinks were excellent, and so what if we are 40 plussers, we can still dance, sing and party