Crime Files – II

Posted on November 23, 2008 by phoenixr

8 a.m. day 2, Police Station Sector 48 Noida

S.H.O. Sharma was sipping his morning cup of tea when he heard a lot of loud voices

“Abbey bhenchod, kahan ghusse ja raha hai?” came Inspector Pandey’s voice angrily

Sharma picked up his glass of tea and looked out into the main hall

A dusty and blood bespattered youth stood there in the centre of the hall. He grimaced, put his hand into a polybag he was carrying and fished out a bloody hammer. A paper-back thriller fell out of it.

There was a sudden silence as all the men withdrew out of arms reach. The youth dropped the hammer on the floor and sat down next to it, speaking in a dull monotone

“I think I have killed someone and I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I think I have gone mad”.

Sharma walked into the room and asked brusquely

“Kaun hai tu, kisko maara?”

“Mohan Nagpal. Pata nahin ………….”

Paagal to nahin ho gaya hai Saale? exclaimed Inspector Pandey

“Shayad”, muttered the boy

Iska report likho” ordered SHO Sharma, and stood there watching as the officers took an inventory of the youth’s meager possessions. He carried no identification, just a book and a hammer and Rs.150/-.

“Bolna shuru kar”, he added.

Sharma was an experienced police officer. Noida shared its border with Delhi, Haryana and UP. He had seen gang wars, petty crimes, terrorism. An astute judge of people, he knew that this boy was not a criminal. He kept observing the youth as he recounted his tale. It was a strange tale. This Mohan knew no one in Noida, did not know how he got here, and did not know the person/people he thought he killed, was not even sure of the address where this crime had happened.

He wearily asked Pandey “Any report of a murder”

“No Sahib”

“Take down this man’s name, address, phone no., and question him. Keep him in the police station and send some boys to investigate.”

At 11 a.m. the domestic help who worked for the Aroras pushed open the slightly ajar door of 735 Sector 48 and found Mrs. Vandana Arora, age 58, dead in a pool of blood in the living room and a bloody unconscious Vikram Arora age 64, near the front door, his condition serious, not expected to survive. They had been bludgeoned with some blunt object. Mohan Nagpal was placed under arrest.

Crime Files

Posted on November 22, 2008 by phoenixr

I have always been fascinated by Iago and motiveless malignity. Hence this story – I will keep adding to it. Do give me feedback

NORTH INDIA: SUMMER 2006 DAY 1

Noida

It was about 3 am in the night when Mohan Nagpal woke up as he stumbled against the swing in a strange villa. This was crazy. A 22 years old youth, sane and healthy, leading a fairly boring middle class existence is not supposed to sleep-walk. Confused, he looked down at his bare feet. All sleep vanished. He had blood stains all over his pajamas, and his feet, as though he had walked through a pool of blood. He turned and saw that he was standing in the dimly lit marbled porch of a strange house, his bloody footprints coming towards him from somewhere inside. There was no sound apart from the creaking of the swing and the thudding of his panicking heart. With trembling hands he picked up the polybag that had fallen from his hands, opened the gate and fled into the darkness, with a backward glance towards the gate whose lit letter-box proclaimed

VIKRAM ARORA

735 SECTOR 48

NOIDA, U.P.

He had never been to Sector 48 Noida in his life and never met Vikram Arora. May be he was going mad.

Weighty Matters

Posted on November 21, 2008 by phoenixr

I’d like to jog, but don’t since I jiggle
From places that make male eyes swivel
My flab it is hep, it has a mind of its own
and muscles and joints?They squeak and groan

Ravin is my nightmare, the horror
He’s trimmer and looks so dapper
Neelesh is not slim, but neither is he fat
Let us just say middle age has settled on his ass

I dont know why Diana and Tikuli complain
They’re fit, so their words cause me much pain
I know, I know I am fat, it is so old-fashioned
The whole world loves slimness with such passion

I go to the doctor when I have fever or am not well
He doesnt listen to my ailments, doesnt let me tell
Before I can open my mouth, he doesnt wait
Gives me a diet chart and tells me “Lose weight”

Daffy-nations

Posted on November 20, 2008 by phoenixr

We are a group of online friends, we even call ourselves by a hip and happening name – Forty Plus and Rocking. We get together and crack very insane jokes and generally cultivate and nourish our inner child

Wonder when we lost sight of the inner child anyway. Its a joke, all of us still retain the corny sense of humour we had as undergraduates and much to the disgust of our offsprings, we crack insane jokes and giggle like teenagers. A friend of mine, Diana started a game called Daffy-nations, …. Hi Diana – I loved that game

Most of these words are coined by Diana, Appy, Ulhas, Arun, Ravin, Rashmi and others. Some are mine too. Thanks guys

Words that dont figure in any dictionary – but should

Baldage-The proportion of hair that collects in your brush, after you cross the age of 40. No hair oil or tonic in this world can cure this condition – sigh!!

Chocostasy-The delight of discovering an extra layer of chocolate, under your hot fudge sundae. Dig in, delightedly.

Tirestats- The calculation of the ratio of calories consumed and converted to tires around the midriff, or on the butt.

Emoticonia- The act of using only emoticons to scrap/post a response to someone who wonders what you are trying to say and sends back another emoticon. Now everyone’s happily confused.

Orkicol… the new gen fevicol that makes net-addicts stick to their pc/chairs

Owlitis – a syndrome that makes net-addicts stay awake into the wee hours of the night

Windowjugglers : Experts who can juggle-chat simultaneously on 3 or more chat windows and still make sense.

Nobb-mania – the major anger that netties experience when their broadband connection fails

GlobalWarming: A deep warming caused by constant friction between the rear end of a net-addict and the chair

Ohnokeyboardanto- the act of having to clean ants coming out of your keyboard, since you took your lunch break while blogging/orkutting

Teddyhangover- those still sleeping with stuffed toys after the age of 30.

Hairotechnics- the hairstyles adopted by some men to hide fast fading glories of a full head of luxuriant hair, famous brand ambassador Himesh Reshamiyya.

Doodledoo-The art of being able to doodle and still manage to keep trackof what your boss/senior is saying.

Owleyetechnique – The art of sleeping with your eyes wide open in a boring meeting. Proponents of this art have also mastered the technique of looking alert and interested while practising this.

Cellophrania- act of shifiting your cell phone from one ear to the other in the hope that you will be able to hear better above the loud music emanating from someone else’s cell phone.

Silencezonia-the sudden silence that falls at a workshop/meeting while you are telling your neighbour how boring the workshop is and you plan to escape during the second half.

Phonesia-Never knowing anyone’s phone numbers now, since they are all stored on your cell phone.

Txtng – Yeah the messaging lingo full of abbreviations that freaks me out.

Keypal—So what do you call a pen pal if you never use a pen to write him (or her)? Well, if you use a keyboard, this one should work.

Subcutaneosis: getting under the skin, like the sleazy fransip requests one gets on Orkut.

Net-o-factor: This is an exponential factor….every 5 minutes of your net time seems like 60 minutes to the family

Netohungry-ism: The moment you settle down to some net-surfing, the family yells’ Is there anything to eat???…I’m hungry’!

Nostalgiatis: Frequent bouts of nostalgia…especially hits after the age of forty…., Hemant Kumar songs, Carpenters, Niel Diamond and Elvis Presley induce it a lot.

Pigstayoramia: The state of teens to keep their rooms looking like pig-sties, no matter how much you clean up after them….

Instantfixation: The current trend to find instant fixes for everything…from food to fitness et al….

Wheres-my-thingamajig-mommy-stygmatism: The inability of family to find their own stuff
(usually right in front of their face!), normally comes along with net-o-factor

Daddykinsiloveyou-ology/Mommykinsiloveyou-ology: Erupts occasionally (frequenc varies!)…when funds are required

Gizmofixation: The fear that life will cease without a cell phone/ipod/latest gizmo

Googlitremedy: The answer to all of life’s questions…..answered in a jiffy…..

Foot-in-mouthitis … a chronic failing of mine, when I blurt out the most embarassing things without thinking.

Metabolicstagnationitis: A fearsome and deadly affliction usually hits after 40. The complete cessation of metabolism, causing fat accumulation. Aggressive measures like exercise and dieting can barely keep it at bay

Multizophrenics- various net identities created by some flirts in the hope that they get more victims

Break-o-mania - Occurs in most homes when the Mommy figure is watching her favorite soap and will attend to the needs of the other family members only during the commercial break.

Sixpackphobic – Condition of all men after watching John Abraham in Dostana/Vin Diesel/any other gorgeous hunk

Calorificspooking : When following a rigid diet, one is confronted by delicious visions of pizza slices or chunky slices of chocolate cake dancing tantalisingly in front of your mouth. I swear I have actually smelt them while being haunted

Convenientinesic – Occurs when I happily forget my diet when confronted by a Hot Chocolate Fudge Sundae

Rakhiship : The insurmountable desire to call any person we know/dont know Bhaisahib or Behnjee, Uncleji, Auntyjee etc

Gastrosnobbism : When people will talk knowlegeably about sushi, penne, rissoto and even know how to cook these dishes, but not be able to cook a simple dal and sabzi

Fitnessmafia : Most of these people are slim, fit and live for the sweat and feel so virtuous about it, and love to poke fun about other peoples lack of fitness.

The above leads to related syndromes like

Buttsizephobia : Fairly obvious, frequently occurs when said person cant fit into his skinny-fit jeans

Ihateumania : When confronted by a rival’s slim look after a succesful slimming programme

Can you suggest any?

Which animal would I wish to be reborn as …. a tag

Posted on November 19, 2008 by phoenixr

Tikuli tagged me to try this some time ago and I kept thinking what would I like to be reborn as ……

Sigh – so many magnificient creatures, so little chance. I would love to be born as the pampered pooch of a very rich and loving home – my needs, my wants all taken care of – shiny coat, regular trips to the vet, lots of good food and treats, a huge ground to run around – an absolute doggie heaven.

I would like to be glamourous too. Have a lot of oomph, so I would love to be a unicorn. Or may be the Babi babe coming out of the sea … but I digress.

Grand isnt it, and beautiful too. Dogs are loving, loyal and very simple. It would bore me. I like the power and the attitude a wild animal has – even the mythical ones.

But most of all I would like to be the mythical bird that means so much to me – the phoenix

Now this is fantastic, grand can not even begin to describe it.

The phoenix is a bird that resurrects itself. It burns itself when finished, and then rises from the ashes, stronger for the experience. I can understand the “never say die” attitude. I see parallels between me and the phoenix. Ostracised by everyone, even my own mother for having the gumption to end an unsuccesful marriage, daring to want to live my life with respect, for daring to be free of a conventional surname – either paternal or one given by a husband. Having to fight alone for the right to live with respect on my own terms. The phoenix is a survivor, and so am I.

I think I lived it long before Obama made it a famous catchline

This is for all the women in situations similar to what mine was

YES IT IS POSSIBLE, YES WE CAN

Mujhe Aapka Keemti Vote Chahiye

Posted on November 18, 2008 by phoenixr

Please vote for me ….. Mainu thwada vote chahida hai …… Amake vote dao

Sorry I dont know more languages otherwise I would definitely have begged and pleaded in those too. I have been nominated for the Avant Garde Bloggies Award for the best social issues post. The judges have liked my post Irony of being a Mother In Law. I started blogging in March, and was not aware that any such award system existed. Imagine my surprise at being nominated! I must add that two more posts of mine were also shortlisted but did not make it to the final cut. Never mind …..

Now we come to the crux of this blog entry. Do vote for me. I have enjoyed blogging and to tell the truth, your comments are valued and they are reward in themselves. Sigh! Kya karen, yeh dil maange more!

If you think my post is good, do hop across and vote for me. Hey, even if you think my post was not good – do vote for me. I don’t mind and I won’t tell.

Thanks and love you all

More proof that I have way too much time on my hands

Posted on November 17, 2008 by phoenixr

The doctors refuse to let me join the work-force as yet. So I am stuck at home, thank God for my laptop and the internet. So I guess I will sit and seriously think on how to bring about world peace. I know, I know! I need to get myself a life! Till then please bear with me ……

Abolish religion – all religion and all churches, temples, mosques etc etc. Build playgrounds and/or plant trees where all these things stood. Make all the priests gardeners. It can make them truly contribute in abolishing hunger and in greening the earth.
Abolish politics – all politics. Give all these politicians their own shows on prime time television. They will get their celebrity-hood, and we can switch them off when we have too much of them.
If they dont like that – give them roles in movies for Godssake! Is any producer/director type listening? It can work- all they want is name+fame+money.
Put all combative types on truly blood-thirsty TV shows – you know, the blood and gore type, which can be aired really late in the night along with horror movies.
I have found that the armed forces types are truly disciplined and they actually hate wars. They can be put in charge of maintaining world peace.
Some of them can also be put in charge of law and order.
Let us erase borders or at least make them porous. Free trade for all.
Hardened criminals, drug dealers, perverts, rapists etc. can be sent on inter-galactic travel. They can help humanity by exploring the universe. As Mulder said “The truth is out there.”
Conservatives/traditionalists/moralists can be sent to re-education camps.
Beaurocrats can run the world – they have no charisma and so can not incite wars. They arent exciting either or make good copy – but we will have all those new TV Programs for all that. Small price for world peace – what say?

I leave you with this happy song – a male solution for world peace! Do turn on the sound when you watch this – it is simply awesome

I know, I know its naughty – but fun

Alternate Sexuality

Posted on November 16, 2008 by phoenixr

So Karan Johar has come out …. or rather as out as he dares to, without jeopardising his stake at the Box Office. He shows two guys pretending to be gay to get themselves an apartment and also to be close to a girl. Yes its Dostana I am talking about. My family saw it, and told me the gist of the story. Well, in my opinion all the men shown by Johar in his movies are gay pretending to be straight anyway. I also think Shah Rukh Khan is bisexual – as per his body language. Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam was all about Shah Rukh and Hritik and Kal Ho Na Ho was all about Saif and Shah Rukh. The girls were incidental.

It got me thinking, is it a trend or something? Fashion with all its gay designers, and now Dostana. Has the time come for gay visibility? Is India finally getting mature and comfortable with alternate sexuality?

Gay people are normal and real. They are not sleazy sex manaics ready to grope any good looking butt. They might look appreciatively, but there is no harm in that.

For me the main stream masala film that worked in depicting gay people was Honey Moon Travels, in which the NRI played by Vikram Chatwal and the small town groom played by Karan Khanna come to terms with their sexuality. The NRI knows he is gay, and that he has decieved his wife by not telling her about this crucial fact …. and he confesses and tries to make amends. Karan Khanna’s character does not even know about himself. He is totally bewildered by the emotions awakened in him by this NRI. He probably does not even understand the concept of being gay. Both of them are good decent guys, they want to be good husbands to their wives. The way the small town groom tries to rationalise and understand his attraction for the NRI really touched my heart.

I know I am not very tolerant. I guess I am deeply thankful that my sons are heterosexual and do not have to face a hostile society and I will not have to watch them get ostracised and hurt. Homosexuals have the same needs, wants as heterosexuals, and do need to be given space and respect for their choices. They dont need to be laughed at and be at the recieving end of Kantabai jokes.

EMI : A review

Posted on November 14, 2008 by phoenixr

EMI liya hai to chukana bhi padhega.

This is a hilarious take on the current scenario. Banks keep ringing up and offering credit cards and easy personal and car loans. People fall into the debt trap and then recovery agents get into the act. The subject is topical – the four stories of the defaulters, how they take their loans, how they end up defaulting the payments – very interesting. The father+son story is so believable (not surprising, Kulbhushan Kharbanda is a very fine actor), the young couple that plans their marriage on EMIs was very interesting – imagine planning everything, home+laptop+car+honeymoon+wedding expense totally on EMIs. Oh wow! The other two stories were something I could not relate to – but hilarious nevertheless. Malaika sizzles as usual and Arjun Rampal is so handsome that I can forgive him for not being plausible. Less said about Urmila, the better – though she looked and acted better than she did in Karzzzzzzzzzz.

The movie is not sleazy – it has good clean comedy. Sanjay Dutt as Sattar Bhai, the successful recovery agent and owner of Good Luck Recovery Agency is very amusing, but we have seen the same act time and again in his Munnabhai avatar. He is a ruthless Bhai who wants to become a politician. He is advised to clean up his act by people who matter. So he starts doing Gandhigiri in his recovery agency, solving people’s problems, even falling in love with one of his loan victims.

Sanjay Dutt shines in his role – but I think he could sleep-walk through it, his comic sense and timing is impeccable.

It is a good entertainer of the masala movie genre – but all in all I was left with a feeling of dissatisfaction. It could have been a black comedy, a satire or even a dark dark movie with a topic like EMI. Hmmm this was candyfloss when it could have been a tiramisu.

Where are the pets when you need them?

Posted on November 13, 2008 by phoenixr

We are a doggie family. We have one female German Shephard, who looks ferocious (yeah she is a fake) and behaves like a harmless infant always wanting to cuddle into you. Even I get intimidated by her size. She is freakingly huge and jumps on to the bed and takes 3/4ths of it. In my current condition when I’d rather not be pushed and jostled, its scary.

We have one dacshund, who thinks that he is a wolf. He barks and growls at every one he doesnt like. If he does not get his way, he even scolds me. In his mind, he thinks he is huge and will pick up a fight with dogs four times his size.

With these two in residence, you should think that they would take care of the security issues, right? WRONG!!! Our German Shephard would love to be friends with the entire human race. Our dacshund barks and growls alright, but no one takes him seriously – not even us. Not even the rats.

That brings us to the problem at hand.

I was sitting in bed with both the dogs lying on the rug next to me. A huge rat scurried on the floor, probably smelt the dogs, and turned tail and scurried out. I looked at the dratted dogs. None of them raised a teensy weensy growl.

Our live in Nepali servant got into the act and tried to kill the rat ……… who bit him while dying.

The boys have taken the servant to the doctor for a tetanus shot and a dressing.

The dogs are still snoozing.

Humph! I think I’ll re-name them as dog-like-decoration-pieces.

Why do these things happen to me?