Mera Naam Hai ~ ~ TiTu
Remember the song in a movie called Kati Patang which went “Mera Naam Hai Shabnam”. Hmmm I thought Bindu looked hot and Asha Parekh seriously lost in the life and charisma department. However that is not what this blog post is about ….
It is a prayer of thanks to Godji for giving my folks enough grey matter to not name me Pinky, Tiny, Teetu, Pappu or whatever the eff Punjabi folk name their kids. Yesterday the car door got mended and the mechanic who did this was an obese and unkempt looking surd called Lovely
I am sure when he was a kid, growing up and committing parenticide must have featured hugely in his list of things to do. Why dont they have a system wherein the kid gets to have a say in what he/she is named?
We have auto rickshaws proclaiming Tiny Tey Dolly Di Gaddi . Tiny grows up to be 6 feet and huge, Dolly brought up on aloo paranthas and butter is nothing like a fragile doll. We also have the evergreen names i.e. Pappu, Pinky, Jolly and Teetu.
Teetu or Titu whatever has played an interesting role – like the proverbial joker, he slips into a few significant incidents to make the game.
I have a cousin who was not at all academic. Cousin V would threaten to commit suicide or run away if any one scolded him for failing or getting bad marks. I mean his threats were at times dangerous and at times wild and creative. So were his excuses. If he spent a fraction of that ingenuity in trying to clear his papers he could have been home free. But it would not have been fun.
Example : All kids washed and dressed for dinner with report cards in hand waiting for the signature of the parents. His turn came before ours since he was about 7 years older ….
Uncle solemnly enquired : Hor, Kiddan Kitta Paper ? (And how did you fare?)
Cousin V : Blurting out while handing his report card : Titu vi fail ho gaya. (Titu also failed!)
Uncle : Slightly distracted : Keda Titu? (Which Titu)
Cousin V : Pointing at the hapless cousin S next in line : Titu – the one who stays four houses away, this one’s particular friend (quickly snatching the next cousin’s report and thrusting that into his father’s hands and slinking away)
Well he went without dinner and the entire evening was spent discussing how to punish him and we got off easy.
God bless Titu and Cousin V
Some years ago, a few of us cousins with kids in tow went on a bus journey to Chandigarh. The bus stops for a longish while mid way where every one stretches their legs, visits the wash rooms etc.
One of my cousins’ wife had to nurse her baby and she went into a secluded rest room for that. This took a bit of time. The bus driver and conductor started getting restive. One of the kids was sent after the mother and baby duo
Ripe for mischief and in no mood to hearing the driver grumble, the rest of the gang started creating a huge noise
Titu Oyye
Titu Oyyye
Oyyye Kithey Gaya Titu????
Titu Oyyye!!
One of the co-passengers asked “Who is Titu?”
They happily lied – “He was sitting here, just started talking to him. We dont know him but he may have left his luggage here ….”
There was some tension as to unattended luggage that made the driver and conductor search the bus. It took 15 minutes in which other well wishers joined in
Titu Oyyye!
Soon we had the entire bus looking for the mythical Titu
Meanwhile the kids got the mother and infant duo back in the bus unnoticed. The cousins regretfully abandoned their search for the mythical Titu
The bus left for Chandigarh.
Well – now we simply charter a bus. Its way more simpler!
P.S. (This is a small adaptation of ideas I am working into a book that I am writing. Do you think such tales will sell? Need some feedback)
If I were Empress of the World
Of course in my own eyes I already am! But public opinion bhi maangta hai na!
Well if I were the Empress here is what would happen
1. Window Shopping would be classified as aerobic exercise. So would sex.
2. The entire globe would be wi-fi enabled and no one would pay for internet
3. The entire world would run on solar energy and people using fossil fuels and trying to make money out of selling essential stuff like food, water and power would be thrown in jail. I’d take them out of the dungeon on a day I was bored and have them try to kill each other. GO NINJA GO! (I would like to classify jeans, shoes, tees and sweaters as essential too, but kuch zyada ho jayega!)
4. Similar would be the fate of people trying to make money out of other people’s misfortunes like disease and death
5. But special treatment would be meted out to rapists, child abusers, people who are intolerant, people who are bestial and cruel and curb other’s religious and personal freedom. They would be put into padded cells in lunatic asylums in solitary confinement. I think they’re nuts anyway ….. They could wither away frothing in the mouth and talking to themselves.
6. I am getting increasingly disillusioned and angry with the recent Shiv Sena attack on Shah Rukh Khan over IPL. These bully boys have to be stopped. If I were Empress, those pricks from Shiv Sena would already be in solitary confinement where they could not spew their poison. The people from the media who are giving them a platform to spread their poison would be in dungeons awaiting their duel to death for my entertainment and the Govt would be sent to the hospital to be physically castrated. They are morally and spiritually eunuchs anyway, since they allow this nonsense to be replayed again and again.
Return of the Aviator!!
Kid#1 is back home now. This, by our standards is huge! He’s been to Philippines and back quite a few times in his quest for a commercial pilot’s license. But then we are a family that goes from crisis to crisis – with a short pause in which we try to figure out if we are seriously out of trouble or not ….
Consider this : Kid#1 gets engaged …. runs the car over the verge and decides to fly planes …. since there are no verges in the sky!
Okay! That is completely mean of me. It may or may not have happened like this exactly but this is my story and my blog …
So he tries to get to Canada or the US to get his training. Terrorism and brown skin decide that he does not get a Visa. Hence he goes to Philippines
The course is supposedly for one year. The Global Warming and Divine Powers decide that the weather will be horrible. There are typhoons during the past two years that have drowned the country, ripped open the runway and tarmac and even smashed the air control tower to the ground.
Phew!
Hence the course that was to be for one year lasted two. But he survived and is now a qualified Licensed Commercial Pilot
Anyway he is finally back, jet lagged, deprived of Indian food (we actually carried roti and dal sabzi to the airport with us for him) and skinny.
I mean I am the most carefree kind of parent but even I thought he was skinny ~~
Is there any mother in the world who thinks her child has come back home looking hale and hearty? There is some kind of reflex circuitry which triggers a primitive response that is so Hindi Movie ….
Mom : Beta you are looking so starved – bechara! Theekh se khaana bhi nahin mila. Have another parantha ….
Son : Basking in maternal attention and pampering : Arrey vahan after the typhoon you could not get any fruit or vegetable, and there is nothing like ghar ki roti
Sibling : Perhaps thinking now the spotlight will have to be shared : Bhai, I dunno, you look okay to me
Wifey : By passing all the undercurrents : Babe, I think you look sexy with the moustache
Ahem! Okay I know you have been apart for the last four months but give it a break, Will Ya?
Come to think of it, I actually agree with her … he looked cute in a bearded Brad Pitt kind of a way
Aaaah! You know what I think now that he is got married and educated (in that order rather than the conventional way?)
I think its one down and one to go. Need the other one to get his degree and wife – in whichever order he wishes so that I can become a vagabond gypsy that I am at heart
One down one to go …. ….. ….. …..
Truth, Freedom and other creatures of fantasy
Are you sure this is the right way?
Are you absolutely sure?
Your right way accuses my right way
Of being totally wrong
Are you sure that you speak the truth?
Are you absolutely sure?
Your truth accuses me of falsehood
Isn’t that the truth?
Are you sure your God is real?
Are you absolutely sure?
Your God calls my God names
And says he’s less Godly
Are you sure you are free?
Are you absolutely sure
Your freedom to speak, breathe and live
Bind so many others with fetters
Isnt what you think is for you right and free
Just another name for Tryranny?
Raaz : Iss Janam Ka
I’ve been watching Raaz Pichley Janam Ka with great interest. Anything to do with deep seated memories, fast forward to future or a trip to the past simply fascinates me. Sci Fi, extra terrestrial life forms, fantasy, occult are stuff right up my alley. I normally avoid the television and the serials completely. They piss me off. This does not.
Me being me ~ how could I just be content with watching. Like I said once while discussing blue flicks, spectator sports simply do not interest me.
So I decided to hunt out some one who could do P.L.R. for me.
Me : I want to get my past life regression done
DIL : Oh for godssake Mom! Why?
Kid #2 : So do I! Suppose I was a King or a mad Scientist it would be fun. I’d know where I hid the money and could recover it or I would know some fantastic things I had invented.
Me : Heyy this is about me!
DIL : Why is this family so insane?
Me : Dunno babe ~~~ You decided to get hitched into this family, so it follows that you are insane
Well after the customary argument, I set off to get my PLT done.
The therapist I picked up played a spoil sport
Therapist : Any phobias?
Me : None
Therapist : Any deep seated issues ~~~
Me : Well I had an awful relationship with my mother
Therapist : And
Me : She’s dead now ~~~
Therapist : And
Me : Thinking deeply : Well I guess I dont wanna meet her again in any life
(gwarsh! This sounded lame ; even to me)
Therapist : You know you need a question that you need answered or an issue you need resolved – so first figure them out before you venture into such a journey. It costs a lot.
Me : So?
Therapist : I guess you first resolve issues in your present life
Me : Mucho dissappointed
So I guess I need to introspect – actually single out issues that need resolution – in the pichla janam to go for a trip
I was talking to Kid#1 on the phone, actually complaining that the darn therapist actually stalled me!
Kid #1 : Huh! If you wanted to go on a tour of Europe, Go visit Egypt or Greece I could understand! This is weird
Sigh!!! Yeah! Guess I am weird- but I so wanna!
Definition of Stress 55 worder
Rushing home, late and dinner to cook. Stress @ 30
Have work to do for a morning meeting! Stress @ 50
Son has a math test the next day. Stress @ 99
Home! Hubby’s dealing with son and dinner!
Relief
While sleeping tears start– why is he being so sweet? Is he cheating?
Stress @ infinity
Such a tame New Year celebration : Groan
We are not what can be called a normal family …. no that did not come out right!
Let me put it in a better way : – what is normal for us is not normal for a whole lot of people. What is normal for a whole lot of people is either hypocrisy to us … or downright boring to us.
For new years, like everyone else I got a whole lot of calls from 31st morning onwards – not to mention – an deluge of messages on my cellphone. Since all I normally get as sms are reminders to feed the bank so that my EMI’s reach the financial Gods in time – I ignore them …
Guess what – people actually did message me to wish me a Happy New Year. I am so chuffed up heh!
Kid#1 rang me up at 10 a.m. and wished me and then said he was fed up of Christmas and New Year festivities and was gonna go underground while this madness was afoot! My current mental state being actually hostile to human civilization, I could quite empathize with him. Wanted to tell him to point me to an underground bunker near by where I could crawl into.
Ex rang up to wish me Happy New Year. He was going to a Reverse James Bond Party, where he was supposed to be dressed up like a femme fatale and his wife as 007. God is very merciful – I did not have to witness this one! :mrgreen:
Kid#2 was footloose. He has a 21st century relationship – on and off. At present having been dumped by his on sometimes off sometimes girl friend was single so he decided to go to a party at 2 a.m. after bringing in the New Year with us.
DIL is actively against going out to celebrate New Year. She would like to be with family (I pause here so that all of you can say Awww so sweet!). In my bitchy avataar let me point out that if her husband was here, they would have been out partying.
So we started our New Year binge at 10 p.m. No fancy cooking. Just got food from some Italian joint and sweets from Open Oven, lots of alcohol to wet the food pipe and settled around the heater.
What can I say ….
Being rather occaisional drinkers (pshaw!) both DIL and I were out for the count by 11.30. Kid#2 woke us up at 12 and wished us while we went into our rooms and crashed.
Really tame. I am quite ashamed of myself. By 2010 end, I need to elope with someone of half my age with four times as much money ….
That would start 2011 with a bang!
Some faltu ka gyan this New Year, Take it or leave it
New Year Resolutions
(Image courtesy www.elfwood.com)
So what are your new year resolutions?
Have you made a list which contains the following
1. Lose Weight
2. Get out of the debt trap
3. Stop smoking
4. Start an exercise routine
5. Join a gym
6. Learn something new – language, skill whatever …..
Errr Halt! Enough of that
You’ll have cheated on your diet, missed gym and bought the absolutely darling gizmo before you know it. Happens every February you know
SOME NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS THAT HOPEFULLY WILL WORK
1. “Be yourself, everyone else is taken” Nah I didnt say it, Eleanor Roosevelt did.
2. Act your age, think your age … Mohammed Ali once said, “If a man of fifty acts like he did when he was twenty, he’s wasted thirty years.” I would add, don’t try and date the cute bimbette – you wont have anything common once the lust dies. On second thoughts, go in for the ride, but dont look for a lasting relationship.
3. Fall in love – with yourself, with life, with this world, yeah with someone. It truly is a wonderful place to be in. For the die hard cynics – You might as well …. since you aint going any place else soon
4. Do some springcleaning. Throw away all the bills, the warranty cards for things long since dead and gone. Keep all the love letters, hand made cards made by your children.
5. Go through the old albums, laugh at the wierd hairstyles and clothes.
In short the only New Year Resolution that works is to live, laugh and love – sincerely with your whole heart. It is the only way to live
In fact, I would also add, if you wanna hate – do that wholeheartedly too. Experience the emotion, break a few plates, throw a tantrum, scream … do what you have to – and get it out of your system.
Then you can get back to doing what you should be doing … living life KING SIZE~~~~~ QUEEN SIZE
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
Art of Gifting to Wives and Girlfriends
This post is written after a whole lot of folks wanted me to do another gifting one. Well here goes:-
This is specifically addressed to men. Guys don’t ya just luuuurve Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, Birthdays of the special women in your lives. You not only remember the day, date, her particular likes and dislikes and what’s in and what’s not!
Just kidding! I can empathise (though not understand) the sheer terror at worst, total helplessness at best that men experience through when having to buy gifts for wives or girlfriends.
Most men I know coolly forget the day unless they have set up a reminder on their mobile phones after the last time they forgot and got hell from the gentle little lady who suddenly turned into a flaming virago!
Then they dilly dally till the last minute and then quickly run into a store, get whatever they thought was suitable, got it gift wrapped and presented it with a “Babe I know it sucks but see I remembered ….”
Most seasoned girl-friends or wives simply buy their own presents and bill the man. It’s better than getting agitated with the gifts men turn up with. One of my cousins once turned up with the slinkiest and most revealing negligee which he thought was appropriate as a gift for a first date!!! Phew! We were able to dissuade him, but he simply did not “get” it.
Hot Tip No. 1
If the way into a man’s heart is through his stomach, the way to a girl’s heart is through her feet. Get a gift basket for your darling full of foot massage oils, lotions, salts, and all those exotic and sexy smelling lotions to rub into her feet. Heat up a bucket full of hot water, get her to soak her feet into that bucket, and then offer to personally give her a foot massage.
Bonus Item No. 1
A foot massage starts from below the knee, but rarely stops there.
Hot Tip No. 2
Trinkets, jewels always work – but you need to seriously consider the sort of message you are giving. If you give your date jewelry you are saying “I’m serious, lets get hitched”. You are also saying, “How do you feel about babies?”, “Can you cook like Mom?”, etc. etc. This is true even if you give her a pair of silver ear rings. So be very careful. If you have no intention of getting hitched a box of chocolates is enough.
If you are committed/married/both …. Well jewelry will get you lots of brownie points, but you need to get her jewelry she likes. Here is a serious problem. You may never be on the same page as far as jewels go, and you may buy her something she considers ghastly. Get a classy string of pearls – you can never go wrong with it.
Bonus Item No. 2
Pearls don’t cost as much as gold and diamonds do. If the clasp has some diamond encrustation, she will be very happy.
Hot Tip No. 3
Silk and Cashmere!!! Just feel the fabric and you will understand why ladies love them. They are classy, elegant and sensuous to touch. You can earn mucho brownie points if you take her with you to buy a silk shawl so that she gets to choose the color and design.
Bonus Item No. 3
You get to cuddle her with the shawl, snuggle in with her etc etc
Hot Tip No. 4
Yeah this is the lame ass one! So you “forgot” and now have no time to get her anything. Hotfoot down to Hallmark or Archies (thank God for them) and buy the most humongous looking teddy bear. Remember the bigger the better! Grab a box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers and then turn up at her doorstep with the sexiest grin that you can muster.
Bonus Item No. 4
Your sins will be forgiven, she will hug Teddy, hug you and then you can hug Teddy and her, cuddle in with her and tear open the box of chocolates etc etc. A warning though, this only works once! Besides you dont want Mr. Teddy to take up all the space on the bed or couch do you???
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