Indians and Matrimony

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Our society runs on two major forces. Warrior Kings, Dynastic Emperors et all gave way to Presidents and Prime Ministers but the ground realities did not change. The two major forces that run this great land of ours is religion and matrimony.

Heaven help people who do not actively participate (even naam ke vaaste) in these two. An atheist can not survive in this scenario and neither can an unmarried person. Of course there are a few intrepid souls who do, but I shudder to think how much it costs them to maintain such beliefs.

Shail of Shail’s Nest is not the only one who is facing such a problem. My DIL’s parents were facing such pressures, which is why they wanted to wed her as soon as she and Kid#1 said Aye. My friend Jayshree has two sons, both unmarried and a huge batallion of relatives who are showing her prospective brides … and … oh the list is endless.

Truly – matchmaking is a favorite occupation in this country. And be warned, that is not the only favorite occupation. Once the bride and groom are hitched, the kindly souls take it a step further – right into their bedrooms. They want to know why the kids havent procreated. One colleague of mine has a relative who actually sidled up to him and informed him the sexual position in which the sperm hits bullseye. “i’ve tried it. It works” the good man assured him.

Oooh I wish I had been there to hear this exposition.

Well, I have a big big grouse against Kid#1. I had spent years deliberating and thinking about a priceless line I would use to fend off such well meaning queries. He got married before I could use the line. I hope Kid#2 is not stung by Cupid’s arrow just yet. I have to use this line on some prissy dried up prune, once at least.

It would go somewhat like this :

Prune : When is your boy getting married? Anything fixed yet? Why is he not married yet? Something wrong with him? There is a nice girl we know who is good wife-material…

Me : He is too young for marriage.

Prune : Nonsense, he is over twenty and his education is over. You should not wait now. He may bring in someone unsuitable.

Me : If he gets home a woman, it would be fine. I may have issues about a gay match though.

(Yeah, I am gay phobic when it comes to my sons)

Prune : I know of a perfect match for him.

Me : My older one got married before me. Now I have to get married. I am older than Kid#2. Can you please look for a suitable match for me?

I think that would buy me and Kid#2 some time.

I hope the Prune does not come back with a list of “suitable widowers, divorcees” et all for me, though.

Bad Weather

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I went to see the latest Shahid Kapur movie Mausam.

Folks, sympathise with me, puhleese.

Lots of spoilers ahead, but since you will be warned and wont waste money on such drivel, I think I can go ahead.

Mausam … you know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of the lines from The Song of the Ancient Mariner … We sailed like a painted ship upon a painted ocean.

Yeah, precisely. The story did not even move an inch. We have this girl and this boy, she is Kashmiri and he is a Punjabi. They meet at various intervals in a span of ten years. The world burns, but they keep mooning over one another.

All the disasters that can happen, they encounter

1. Mumbai bomb blast … check
2. Kargil War … check
3. 9/11 … check
4. Ahmedabad riots … check

All these things happen, they keep getting lovesick, and they dont even contact each other!!! Sheesh, havent they heard of mobile phones, facebook and smses???

She writes to him …

SNAIL MAIL?????

And lovesick couple, dont you get it? Even the Gods dont want you together, whenever you meet each other, terrorists strike!

Oh yeah – story

There isnt any :D

There is just the news items I am talking about, and their love.

And I dont know how it ended okay

I walked out once they miss each other at the Ahmedabad railway station.

Mausam is truly bad weather

Or worse

It is smogy, airless and boring

And Then The Fight Happened

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Case One

“Have one kid, you become a parent. Have two and you become a refree”

Have adult kids … you still want to be a refree, but they will have none of it.

Younger dude has relapsed into teenhood. He has anxiety attacks, feels depressed because he is never going to amount to much, since he isn’t going to be a millionaire. SHEESH! Is this cue for me to feel like a failure because I am not a millionaire?

Kid#1 : Coming up with the only male solution to this : Let’s go have beer.

Kid#2 : Naah, I don’t feel like drinking.

My jaw hit the floor, as I opened the medicine drawer.

Never . In . My . Living . Memory . Has . Anyone . Refused . A . Drink . When . Feeling . Low

This was serious.

Kid#1 : Yeah! (Pushing him) You refusing? Let’s fight then!

Kid#2 : Angrily shrugging him off : Leave me alone!

Kid#1 : Fight me and I will.

Me : Stop it the two of you.

DIL : Let them! Wanna bet my husband will win? MY BABY STRONGEST!

Both of them angrily to us: You stay out of it!

Then they had a go at each other, a really intense one. The furniture and doors are still intact, mercifully. The thermometer I had taken out isn’t.

The depression is over … and they have gone for beer. MENS!!!!!

Case Two

DIL is eating muesli for dinner – she is counting calories.

Me : Eyeing the left over slices of banana : Are you finishing that?

(It would be a perfect guilt free desert)

DIL : Aggressively : Don’t look at that! I am going to finish it.

Me : Backing off : Its okay, just asking.

What’s biting her ass?

Kid#1 : (The Residential Peacekeeper) Why are you being aggressive?

DIL : She started it!

Me : ?????

DIL : Defensively : I am not wasting it.

Me : Sulkily : I only wanted a bite.

DIL : With a sunny relieved smile : Here, take all of it.

WOMENS!!!!!

Case Three

Kid#2 : Poking me in the stomach while I am doing something all important, like playing Empires and Allies on Facebook, while sitting on the bed.

Me : Angrily : Don’t poke me.

Kid#2 : Cheekily : I will

Me : Don’t!

Kid#2 : Poking me again : And what will you do?

Me : Losing it and slapping him hard.

Stunned silence in the room.

And then Kid#2 starts to laugh.

Kid#2 : Jeez Ma, is that the best you can do. That was such a cute slap.

BRATS!!!!

A tale about a rickshaw wala and an IIT-ian

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This is a copy paste …

What with editing one book and writing another, I go through long periods of not knowing what to write on my blog

Plus this story is worth sharing : Thanks Dagny Sol, for sending it to me

I happened to come across this on a Friend’s Facebook Page sent to her by a friend of hers…took the liberty to copy/paste and forward because it is obviously true, heart warming and inspiring….

IITian and Rickshaw-wala….

There were two rickshaw-walas vying for our business, when we wanted to go to Sankat-Mochan temple in Benaras. I agreed to go with the one, who was about 20 years of age, seemed like a regular young rickshaw-wala, but I found something interesting about him. I was not proved wrong.

He wanted Rs 50, we said Rs 30. We settled for Rs 40.

Here are the highlights of the conversation that ensued, while we rode the rickshaw:

“Aap kahan se aaye hain?”

“Delhi.”

“Bijness, ya kaam karte hain?”

“Naukri karte hain.”

“Kismein?”

“Internet mein.”

“Humara bhi kuch wahin kaam lagwa dijiye.”

I just chuckled.

“Main try kar raha hoon engineering padhne kee. Achchi naukri lag jaayegi tab.”

“Achcha?” I asked a little interested.

“Haan, delhi mein Guru Gobind Singh Indraprashta University mein engineering ke liye apply kiya hai. Achchi hai woh university.”

“Haan, achchi hai”, I agreed.

“Haan, kal hee maine JEE bhi diya.”

“JEE matlab, IIT ka?”

“Haan, Joint Entrance Examination” he pronounced it perfectly.Just to make it clear to me what JEE stood for. “Mushkil hota hai exam.”

“Haan, 2 saal toh log padhte hee hain uske liye, asaan nahin hai.”

“Delhi mein Akaash coaching institute hain na?”

“Haan, hai.”

“Aapne kya padhai kee?”

“Main engineer hoon, aur phir MBA bhi kiya.”

“Kahan se engineer?”

“IIT Delhi se.”

He swung back, surprised, a little delighted, and smiled. “Ok,

aapke liye Rs 30.”

Swati and I laughed.

Swati asked “Padhai kab karte they IIT ke liye?”

“Bas, rickshaw chalaane ke baad raat mein”. Then he added

“Kismein engineering kee aapne?”

“Chemical.”

“Toh aapki Chemistry toh badi strong hogi.”

“Nahin, aisa nahin hai.”

He continued “Yeh bataiye….jab Mendeleev ne Periodic Table banaya tha tab kitne elements they usmein?”

Now it was my turn to get surprised. He was quizzing me. I said “Shayad 70-80.”

“No, 63″ he said sharply. “Kaunse element kee electronegativity highest hai?”

I didnt try too hard and said “Pata nahin.”

“Flourine”, he said confidently. Without a break he asked,”Kaunse element kee electron affinity highest hoti hai?”

Now I was laughing too and said “Nahin pata”

“Chlorine. toh aapka kaunsa subject strong tha?” clearly having proven that my chemistry wasn’t a strong point.

“Physics”, I said.

“Achha, Newton’s second law of motion kya hai?”

I thought I knew this one. “F=ma”, I said.

“Physics is not about formula, it is understanding concept!”, he reprimanded me in near perfect English. “Tell me in statement”

I was shocked.

I said “ok, Newtons second law, er….was….”

” ‘Was’ nahin, ‘is’!Second law abhi bhi hai!” he snapped at my use of ‘was’.

Surely, my physics wasn’t impressing him either. “Yaad nahin, I said”

“Force on an object is directly proportional to the mass of the

object and the acceleration of the object”, he said it in near perfect English. “Aapne M.Tech nahin kiya?”

“Nahin, MBA kiya”

“MBA waale toh sirf paisa kamana chahte hain, kaam nahin karte.”

“Nahin, aisa nahin hai, paisa kamaane ke liye kaam karna padta hai.” Didn’t think too highly of me apparently anymore.

In a minute we reached our destination. We got off and I told him that he must and should definitely study more, and that I thought he was sharp as hell. He took only Rs 30, smiled and began to leave. I got my camera out and said “Raju, ek photo leta hoon tumhari”. He waved me off, dismissed the idea and rode off before I could say anything more….leaving me feeling high and dry like a spurned lover.

Damn, what a ride that was! India is changing, and changing fast!!!

A post for the child inside all of us …

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First of all a disclaimer … I am not a serious person, and definitely not a politically astute one.  So if you are going to be (God forbid) a boring adult and take my post seriously and get into an uproar, all I would like to say is “Nyah Nyah! I gotcha!”

 

Now that I have got the statutory disclaimer out of the way, let me tell the children who are with me … “Guys, just check out the 75 year old child, Anna Hazare.  He fixed it for us.  He just dug in his heels with a childlike obstinacy and won the day.  Makes me seriously value the child like simplicity which I am sure resides deep down in all of us.

You know, I have mentioned it in some other blog I wrote – whenever I am too confused or conflicted, I try and talk to a ten year old.  They dont understand a lot, but sure as hell know what is important and good.  It is intuitive for them.  It cuts through the bullshit and gets me through the muddled times.

So why cant we be that simple.  It isnt hard.  That is what our default mode aught to be.

 

Consider this

Children on an allowance cant spend more than they have. It is as simple as that.  Wont our economy benefit from stringent budgeting?  Hell yeah, it will.  Scamsters and greedy people like Raja and Kalmadi would not thrive in such conditions.  What is more, no parent would agree to give a child more, just because he votes himself a pay raise, or overspends his allowance.

Kids do not like to stand out

Kids know all about fitting in.  No kid would like to come to school in a stretch limo, when his peer group cycles down to school.  No kid would like to wear jeans to school when the rest are in uniform.  They hate being the odd man out.  They don’t like being viewed as a teacher’s pet, or a rich privileged person.

Kids say it like they see it

Sigh!  I wish the political spokespersons of Congress, BJP and other parties knew how refreshing it is to speak to children.  No political posturing, no statements that are so patently false like Manish Tiwari’s and Digvijay Singh’s in the recent past.

But then … TV would not be half as entertaining would it?

Children like to help

It gives them joy, to help their mothers at home, and their friends and school mates.  Its been a long time since I have seen such joy in doing something significant in the faces of our national leaders.

Children respect their elders and betters

Ahem …  Wish we remembered that … all of us

Kids do not want to differentiate with other kids on basis of caste, colour and creed … or economic status

And when we teach them to – they still wonder why …

Its time, I feel that we go back to the lovely black and white world we lived in as children.

Now excuse me while I throw a tantrum before a drink my medicine and wail loudly and say, “I don’t wanna ”

 

But I draw a line at staging hunger strikes.  I simply dont have the will power :P

 

 

 

Please don’t make it a circus

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I have been keenly following the Anna Hazare fast.  I know that in this country we have a large number of discontent and agitated people keen on committing violence – be it arson, stone throwing or even shaking their fists and mouthing Ma – Behn gaalis.  But that I can still condone – no not the arson and stone throwing but the general venting.  We have a lot to vent about, our democratically elected government and netas have ensured that.

What I cant condone is our fat arsed armchair intellectuals who will argue every progress or positive step, without getting the said arse out of the chair and do something.

Argument No. 1

Anna Hazare is holding the government to ransom

Well … high time someone from the aam janta did!  Our netas and beaurocrats have been holding the country to ransom and thereby harassing us for a long time.  Time they got a taste of their own poison.  And it is a step in the right direction.  At least Anna and Team are trying to do their bit for a corruption free India.  What are these arm chair intellectuals doing?

Argument No. 2

What Anna is doing is unconstitutional.

Yeah sure!  By the same coin, what Gandhi did was unconstitutional too.  But the government does not like to hear that, does it?  I feel that this movement represents a hope that the general poison in our system will get exorcised.  I don’t know if it will – but am with it, because its a step in the right direction.

Argument No. 3

The growing protest by self serving brand of intellectuals like Aruna Roy, the dalit activist who fears her following may be diminished, rabble rouser and supporter of Maoists and Geelani, Arundhati Roy and the likes.  Well, I have nothing to say to them, apart from directing them to this blog post which I really admire “Why I’d rather be Anna than Arundhati”

My plea to one and all is – Please don’t make a circus out of this.  Acknowledge that you have come face to face with something greater than individuals, something greater than personal and petty aspirations.  Watch it carefully before shooting your mouth off, like Manish Tiwari did.

To the ruling government and the inept way this was handled, I’d like to ask, “Kya boss? Didja think you’d make the old man wear a salwar kameez and flee?  Bad judgement boss”

Coming to my own personal opinion

1. No I do not support the government bill at all, but I do have reservations on Anna’s bill.  I do hope that an open debate is held and glitches ironed out.

2. I am very glad that Anna has shaken us out of our apathy.  We, the working classes have been doing nothing but earning our living and shooting our mouths out on the ills that we face in this country.  We have not taken steps to correct it.  I am glad we are voicing our protest.

3.  The youth has got involved.  I love this.  Youth is, by its very nature, idealistic, impatient and eager.  Those energies will make all the difference.

My appeal to the Government, rabble rousers and the protesters is just one simple one

We have, after a very long time, got involved in something that transcends the individuals that lead the movement, oppose it or support it.  The protest we are seeing is not for just tabling the Jan Lokpal.  It is bigger than that.  It is for a cleaner system of governance in the country.  It is for getting jobs without paying bribes, it is for an effective and cleaner government.

I think Kejriwal and others in Team Anna are aware of this and are trying to keep the movement limited to tabling of Jan Lokpal.  Perhaps they are unsure of how to deal with the larger demand from the people.

I feel that we will be disappointed – but hope that its just the cynic in me that feels so.

 


 

A vacation

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I love the NCR – it is where life is, but not as much as I love the hills.  I grew up in Shillong and then Imphal, Manipur.  The hills is where I hope to live in once I retire.  My sons beg to differ … but one is entitled to ones dreams, and I dream of spending my retired life in the hills.

We had a three day holiday – something that rarely happens in corporate life, and the cousins were planning a vacation.  I tagged along.  We went to Paonta Sahib.

I definitely recommend all those living in NCR to go for a visit.  It was bliss.  We drove down, a trip that on paper takes about 4.5 hours, but for us, practically it took 8 hours or more.  One brother in law is a tea addict and wants to sample chai at any and every dhaba that he drives past!  Naturally with tea samosas and pakodas also have to be sampled etc etc

I think I spent time with my cousins after a long long time.  Ahh, the memories and the nostalgia it evoked for those childhood days …

Paonta was beautiful.  The energetic ones among our group also went on a wild life safari in the jungles.  I was content to click the wild life that went past my balcony

The Yamuna was just beyond the monkeys, and the flow of the current was so strong that there were warnings posted at various places, grim ones, that told of unwary people drowning in those strong currents.  Not that my intrepid son and his cousin bothered …

And what is a vacation without funny hats made of leaves

And getting completely drenched and still having a smile on your face

I want another vacation …. any more festivals falling on end-of-week days?

 

Murphy Loves Me

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As is the norm I discovered the Law much before I was introduced to Mr. Murphy who actually wrote it.

And it has played a major role in my life.  Always.

Now take this instance ….

Just before Diwali, I get diagnosed as diabetic.  So I go through Diwali sans sweets.  I go on this killer “I hate sweets and wont eat carbs” routine.  Sigh!  Who am I kidding?  Once I got used to the idea, I started sneaking in some sweets – but not much.  I dont wanna die do I?  But I stopped indulging in any random treat that came my way.

Then I developed an allergy against the medicine that was given to me.  So I stopped taking it and the allergy vanished.  After a week of no medicines I visited the Doc.  Yeah, I am the sort that does not go to doctors on the grounds that they may just discover some other stupid condition and give me medicines and diet regimens.

Well, the doc says that I am not diabetic.  WTF??

This is the same dude that declared me diabetic not so many months ago.

Still – to be sure, he sends me for some tests – fasting and post fasting blood tests.

The results came in – Nope I am not diabetic.

So me being me, I decided to celebrate.  I got up today morning, added a generous dollop of honey to my morning cornflakes.  Tasted horrible!

I made myself a juicy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I feel like too much birthday cake in my mouth.  Horrible and rich.

I want to eat a spicy McChicken burger to prove to myself that I am still me.  But I have no faith in myself anymore.

I have lost the taste for things that I liked.

Need some hugs my friends

I greatly fear that either I have grown too sensible and/or old or that I have become a saint.

Help!!!

 

 

On dealing with loss

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Not many people know that I am an orphan … in the classic sense of the word.  My father died more than a decade ago, and my mother about four years ago.  But that was to be expected, considering that I am in my fifties.

The death that shook the foundations of my being was the death of my brother.  I was 22 and he was 21.

People thought we were twins, since we were very close and always completing each other’s sentences.  We had a bond that was very strong, and we had a sibling war happening every minute of the day - even after I was married and lived away.

At first I felt rage.  Uncontrollable rage, because I felt he betrayed me by dying.  Wasn’t it our unspoken pact to be there for each other?  Why did he have to be a jackass and die on me?  I know its not rational – heck I even knew it then … but the emotion was there nevertheless.  Then came the agony, the pain, the suffering, the tears that could not be stemmed.

I did a lot of things to cope.

But with time the pain left.  There is a God up somewhere, I firmly believe that.  He is indifferent to the suffering humanity in his own way.  Not a sadist, but not a mother clucking over us and trying to shelter us from whatever pain and suffering we face.  Supremely indifferent to our tears, he nevertheless gives us the strength to carry on and the power to heal us.

With me what happened was that the pain became the balm.

Not a day goes by without remembering Dony.  When I see siblings fight, tease each other or hug each other, I am reminded of Dony.  My sons remind me of him, the way they wrestle, pillow fight and tease each other.

But I remember him with a smile.  He was not perfect, he was quite a pain in the butt.  But he was my brother, my companion, my partner in countless pranks.  No memory of my childhood is complete without him.

I wrote my first book, A Bowlful of Butterflies, as a celebration of the bond between siblings.

It is my tribute to brothers and sisters around the world.  It is my humble effort to relive and translate into words the bond I shared with my brother, the bond I carry in my heart and mind forever.

Seeing the book in print brought tears to my eyes, but with a smile.

Live on Dony and yes, if you tear any page of my book, I will hunt you  to the end of the universe, find you, and kick you in the ass!

 

Parents raise you, the spouse lives with you, but it is siblings who really shape you as a person