Sometimes I think that we, as a nation are too earnest.  We seem to think that we have to strive solemnly and earnestly for perfection – which is a laugh since life itself is gloriously imperfect.  If it were not, I would have gone insane with boredom.  Take motherhood for instance.  It is a messy, painful and tiring thing.  Anyone who has had to clean car seat covers of puke, wipe snot and change diapers will agree.  Of course it has its rewards, when the kids are pre-puberty they do look at you as though you are a goddess.  Sadly that phase does not last.  Know something?  I would trade that for the adult kids phase.  Small kids can be oh so annoying and clingy.  I teamed up with Sagarika Chakraborty and we decided to play the antithesis of the filmy Ma.  There were some stock questions mothers ask, and we replied to them at the Write Up Cafe

Here is the link : http://www.writeupcafe.com/Writeups/1/2089/de-stressing-the-mothers-in-dist

Amelia Curzon is a blogger and author and has been kind enough to host me on her blog.  I am a guest blogger for the week.  Do check that out too

http://ameliacurzonblogger.wordpress.com/

This is what she writes

This week, I am very pleased to welcome my Guest Blogger Ritu Lalit with her amusing recollections of her son’s wedding. A catalogue of disasters occurs, which I’m sure many of us can relate to, when fate intervenes and destroys even the best laid plans.

Thanks Amelia.  I read the reviews of your book on Amazon.  Cant wait to get my copy

Not that I am an established one … but far too many starry eyed and earnest young people have been pinging me on Gtalk and on Facebook … somehow they think I can advise them.  I have tried very earnestly to reply to them but it gets kind of repititive

• Your job is to write.  Do so sincerely and from the heart.
• Writing is not a paying profession in the initial stages – but the good thing is that you are young and you have all the time in the world to build yourself up as a writer.
• Do not “vanity publish”.  If someone wants you to pay them to publish your book, look elsewhere.  Once money has been exchanged, the publisher will give you copies and copies of your work.  Distribution and selling will fall on you.  That is hard work and you may not have experience in selling.
• Do have patience.  This is a novel and not instant coffee!  You will spend a long time writing it, along with your day job or school or college or whatever your current occupation is.  Then you will submit to a publisher, who will again take time.  No, don’t curse the hapless souls.  They are snowed with manuscripts.  They have evaluators who will read the work and then decide if they want to invest money and time in it.  Then once your work is accepted, it takes them 6 months to a year – with editing, cover art etc etc.  Then the book comes to book stores.  So the gestation for a novel is about a year at least!  So do have patience.
• Edit, not once, not twice.  Edit as many times it is necessary.  If you do not have the expertise, it pays to have a fresh set of eyes look at your work.  Hire a reputed editor.  Like I said earlier, publishers have way too many manuscripts and will reject yours if they think it is shoddy.
• Once your work is finished and your manuscript is ready, research.  Check out the kind of books publishers are publishing.  If your story is a romance apply to publishers who are publishing in the same genre – fantasy fiction, again check.  Publishers have a particular genre they like.  Sending them a book in the similar genre minimizes your chance of getting rejected.
• Agents – like every other human an agent can be good or bad.  They are useful, but then good publishing houses consider unsolicited manuscripts too.
• Promotion …. now this is a sensitive topic with me, since I don’t have a clue how to do this.  If someone charges an arm and a leg – stop and consider.  Royalties are not large unless you are a big name.  So all that expense …  I leave that decision to you.
• From Amal in the comment section … read extensively.  It will help you add depth and style to your work.  My own feeling is that you should read not only to keep up with the trends and styles, but also so that you can steer away from formulae and cliches.
• Last but most important – You want to be an author – which is a lonely self absorbed kind of occupation.  The main relationship in a writer’s life is with the lap top screen.  Do not do it if you do not have a passion for it.

I will keep updating the bullets as and when I get asked another question ….

“2 women bloggers on an ‘exotic’ beach in the middle of June!  Can you imagine that?””

I looked at my son stuffing his mouth with his double cheese double meat patty and double everything burger enviously as my stomach did a flip flop in reaction to the food he was ingesting.  Damn!  Did I ever eat like that and still remain slim?

I popped a Digene into my mouth, his food was giving me acidity!

He considered this and glugged his soda.  “They are bloggers … so they won’t be hot stuff.  No offense Ma, but too much time on the computer makes the butt so – well so ‘not so hot!’”

Years of parenting has made me adept at ignoring unflattering observations from the cretin I have spawned.  So I ignored this and went back to the screen of my laptop and studied the Indiblogger contest announcement.

“Kyra will be there too!”

He perked up.  “Kyra who?”

I looked at him chomping on that burger, wrestled with my conscience and I won!  I said sweetly, “Kyra is my very good friend.  I met her online ages ago.  She has dark brown hair and eyes and a very curvy figure.  And she wears short dresses that flatter her erm … make her look oomphy!”

He looked at me totally disbelievingly.  Then he did the unthinkable, he accused me of lying, almost

“You’re overdoing it Ma.”

I waved that away.

“What is more, she is an outdoorsy kind of person and she is offering me an all expense paid trip to the beach.  We’ll play beach volley ball and build sandcastles, sip pina coladas and ….”

He choked on it.  “Why?” He asked, “You are not the outdoor type.  You think the sun will give you wrinkles.”

Then he squinted his eyes and stared at my face.  “For your age, you don’t have many.”

I melted.  I am a sucker for flattery from my sons; they don’t compliment me very often.  I even forgave him for eating that horrendous burger so early in the morning, in front of me.

“That is because I don’t go out in the sun much and also because I read an awesome article years ago when you were two or three.  It gave me a lot of gyan.”

“Mumma come to the point.”

Okayy.  I admit I have become a tad bit long winded with age.

“Well apart from all the gyan it gave me the article was named “Wear Sunscreen”.  So I slather it on!”

“Sometimes you talk like a firang”, my irreverent spawn commented.

“No I don’t.  Long time ago people laughed at the NRI types who carried mineral water with them.  Slowly we came to understand that it was important to drink clean water and now we always carry a bottle of mineral water with us when we go out.  The same way sunscreen is important.  We get good Indian ones too, that don’t burn a hole in the wallet.  Like Lakme.”

“Where does your Kyra come into this?”

That stumped me a bit.

“Oh she wears Lakme sunscreen too, when she romps on the beach like one of those California beach babes.  It is one of those ….”

He read it off the screen of my computer “The Lakme Sun Expert Fairness + UV Lotion with SPF 50 gives complete UV protection to your skin, no matter how strong the rays are!   I must admit Kyra is gorgeous.”

I looked at him reproachfully.

“Bye Ma, all the best for the contest,” he said as he actually ruffled my hair very paternally.  I mean, I am the parent here!

I watched as he slung his bag on his shoulder and just then his phone rang.  He picked it up, winked at me and said, “Hey Kyra!  How are you doing?  Yeah I’m just moving out.”

I started at him open mouthed.  He covered the speaker with his hand and waggled his brows at me

“Romp on the beach with Kyra?” he whispered to me and walked out.

This blogpost is in response to the Indiblogger Lakme Diva contest www.facebook.com/ilovelakme

This is a question that often comes to my mind ..

The day I entered my marital home, there was much excitement (naturally) and my mother in law was busy giving vadhai (gratitude) to all the helpers and sundry workers.  It is customary to give some cash and mithai to people like gardener, domestic helper and so on when something as momentous as your son getting married and a new bride entering the home.

Well, there was this young boy who supplied milk to us from the near by village.  Ma in law gave him some money, and a box of sweets.  He blushed red, got confused, but then accepted it when my ma in law told him that she was as old as his mother and he had to accept in good grace.

The next day his mother came with him, and demanded to see the bride.  I was called into the living room.  She blessed me and handed me an equal amount of currency as gift.  Confused I touched her feet – I am after all a well brought up girl and touching elderly feet is no big deal!

After they left, I felt impressed by the boy’s khuddari and I said so.

But my elders thought it was unbecoming pride …

I still wonder

I got stuck in a traffic jam ….

My current mode of brainwashing self into not becoming a raving and ranting mass of emotions is to deflect the anger and irritation.

Yes yes, witness the halo on my head … what?  You haven’t seen it … look harder  :P

I am a saint, I am the religious and life style guru and my name is Ma Rithambra Devi!  ;)  Just kidding!

The way I deflected the anger was to look around and say, “Wow!  Look at all the car loans out there – at least the banks are happy!”

And then I saw this man … He was laying out all the multi coloured lottery tickets on a small bench in front of a shop.  While I was staring at him, he switched on a cassette recorder.  For all you tech savvy newbies out there – there were cassette recorders before your cds and mem cards came into being.

Yes, to get to office I have to go past the old and traditional areas of the town.

I lowered my car window out of curiosity and switched off the FM

He had his sales spiel recorded on the cassette player

It was priceless

I am translating it here … as best as I remember it

Brothers and Sisters, ladies and gentlemen

Have you ever given your luck a chance?  It is said that when God bestows his bounty on a man, the bounty can shower down, breaking the thatched roof.  These days every one lives in cemented houses.  So what does God do?  Does he give up?  No!  He showers the bounty on you by breaking through your doors and windows.

When God does not give up, why should you?

Come one, come all!  Have faith!   Give luck a chance

Buy a ticket!

Inspiration sure does come my way from unlikely quarters …

When the chants rise up, Gigi or Gargi Tamang finds that she has to gravitate to the strange object that they seem to emanate from: A disc made of a metal that no one can identify. Could the myths that we’ve heard from time immemorial, actually be true?

Veer and Gargi Tamang, twins, are nothing like each other; he, a mild-mannered and scholarly youth, and she, a feisty young woman, full of energy. A telephone call from India suddenly changes their lives. They find that they are the designated guardians and protectors of a strange shield that is both coveted and feared by their own clansmen. They are completely unprepared for the adventure they are rocketed into, where no one around them seem to be who they are, where they are constantly on the run and where they have been summoned for a task they can’t even believe.

 About the Author

Ritu Lalit spent the first few years of her life in the north east, where she would lie on the grass and stare at the skies, convinced that she did not belong to this planet.  Since she was here, she tried her utmost to fit in, even learnt math!  But the desire to live in a dream world could not be suppressed, so now she writes fiction.  In real life she lives in the NCR with her two sons, a daughter in law, three dogs and 20 fishes.  You can meet her on her blog, www.phoenixritu.com

All of a sudden things seem to be moving ahead for me.  Given that I learnt my three Rs in a convent, where the Sister Superior was an avid follower of the school of thought “Let your work speak for itself” and how modesty is a jewel and extremely charming in a young or old lady … this is a trifle unsettling.

Consider this : (True story – It happened when I was in Class IV)

Me : (Bragging what else?) You know why I have fair skin?  That is because someone in my ancestors was caucasian!

Jealous fellow student : Liar

Me : (Pushing it a bit) Yes there are cousins who have blue and green eyes in the family too

(It is true … the eye bit not the caucasian bit … at least I think so …. Well never mind!)

Ours was a small select convent and gossip reached Sister Lydia, our principal, main tormentor, upholder of feminine virtues.

One day, after the Lord’s prayer, a desk was brought and I was made to climb it.  Then a sermon on vanity as the biggest and most horrible of the the seven deadly sins, and the transience of physical beauty was delivered.  Biting allusions were made to young ladies being enamored by such trifling and petty things.

Pretty rough eh?

Not really …

During the course of the sermon Sister Lydia realized that my skirt was short … I had gained a few inches in height.  She asked for a needle and then proceeded to let down the hem of my skirt, with the whole school watching.  Nice girls do not show so much thigh …

Convents are rough.  The nuns are nightmare.  At least they were when I was in school.

So much for making an impression due to skin colour …

But I think I can brag safely about a few nice things happening on the writing front …

My second book will be out in July.

I got interviewed

Here is a link to my interview on The Vault 

Oh!  And there is a competition happening on The Witty Shit

I can personally assure you that the speakers are good, and I will be happy to award the signed copies of A Bowlful of Butterflies.  Do participate.

I can safely brag right now … Sister Lydia isnt around to make an example out of me, and I dont wear skirts so she can’t let down the hem

There once was a princess.  She was rather pampered by her family, never allowed to take any decisions, or shoulder responsibilities.  Her father always said, “Oh she is a princess.  She will rule.”

Since she was gorgeous, when she grew up, she had many suitors.  But the pampered princess could not make a decision.

Sadly for her, her father died.  Her brothers found her a pain and consulted their prime minister on where to marry her off.

She was married off into a kingdom far away

She hated her new home.  They believed in simple living and high thinking.  There were no pretty things to wear, silken sheets or attendants and servants to attend to all her needs.  On the top of that, her husband was not impressed by her beauty.  He found her a pampered silly immature little girl.

But the princess was hurt by his indifference.  While flatterers and yes men would not have won her heart, his indifference stung her and perversely made her fall in love with him.

Desperate to win his approval, she sought advise from certain courtiers who had accompanied her to her marital home.

Some told her to smile and fawn on him…..

Others told her to show indifference …

Yet another told her to fight with him  ….

Or cry ….

Or go back to her maternal home in the hope that he would miss her

But one said,

My lady, you have to understand your man.

This kingdom is not near the river, it is not in the hills.  The terrain is rough, and fierce tribes live here.  Survival can only happen if every one works.  So it takes team work to live in this kingdom.

Many civilizations have come and gone in the river kingdom of your father.  You know why?

Because 50% of the populace thinks that they do not need to work, they can live off the people who work – just because they are royal or noble.  Or because their fathers or grandfathers did something really great.

So the other 50% start resenting this.  They start feeling that they should not work, because worthless lazy bums will benefit from their work.

And the kingdom goes into decline.

Your husband wants to see you making an effort, he wants to see you behave responsibly.

…..

When you are young, you do not have a plan, at least I did not have one.  No plan about life, no plan about career, no plan about money.  I kind of liked that! I meandered into what I do for a living.  I just lived ….

Now its so structured ….

Get up in the morning, do a few stretches, eat a bowl of corn flakes, eat calcium, drink tea, get dressed, reach office cabin.

Work, blog, face book, scribble notes on pad on how the next chapter of book is going to look like

Drive home.  May be stop for veggies and fruit shopping, reach home.  Spend some time with sons, catch up.  Eat dinner.  Write fresh chapter, or delete some, add some …

Sleep

Oh did I mention that I even don’t plan my outfit for the day.  Just pick up what is on the top of the pile …

I need variety.

The last year has been rough … I have more white in my head than colour.  I swear I have wrinkles … fresh new ones.  That is acceptable.  What is not acceptable is that I had no fun acquiring the greys and wrinkles.  I may even have to get my eyes checked, the power may have increased.

This is not how I want to grow old!  I want to have fun growing old.

So here is the deal God/Higher Being/Alien in Charge of Planet Earth

I want choice …

I want choice on how to add the greys and wrinkles.  I want to enjoy the process, laugh so hard that tears stream down my face.  I want to laugh until I clutch my sides, and double up with belly ache.

I want laughter lines, nor worry lines.

And I want my face to be crowned with shiny silvery white hair.

That would be life well spent

Days since my television has gone kaput

4

Days that I have not watched television

6

Days that I have missed watching television

ONE

That too because I realized that I will miss Arnab holding his inquisition after the budget

Do we get Arnab on U Tube?

Do we?????