Nitwit Oddment Blubber Tweak

What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter? Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade.” (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)

Sunil chuckled and shook his head, reading and re reading the words.  ”I tell you Rowling is sheer genius.  No one can create such a wonderfully sarcastic character like Snape.”   Ayesha looked up from the vegetables she was chopping for dinner and smiled at him.  Really he had the enthusiasm of a child.  The cat jumped on to the table and curled up next to her hand.

“Back to Potter are we?” she murmured as she stroked the cat who started purring loudly.

He flushed looking almost boyish in his embarrassment.  “I know it’s a kid’s book.  There is no such thing as magic.  But the author has talent.  Now look at Dumbledore.  The guy is a crackpot, but so immensely quotable.  Remember his speech at the sorting?  ‘Nitwit, Oddment, Blubber Tweak’?  It is a sarcastic reference to the four houses.”

“I know dear.  You told me that earlier.” She said fondly.

“I wish the world she created was real.  I wish quidditch was real,” he sighed.  “But there is no such thing as magic.”

Ayesha smiled as she snapped the beans for the stew.  “I think there is magic.  The best magic is cooking food.  If I am angry or depressed, the food I cook just doesn’t taste the same as it does when I am happy, even though I use the same spices and ingredients.”

 

(Image sourced from Google)

He waved that away and looked out of the window sadly.  “I hate my job.  I wish I lived in a world that was magical.”

She snorted, “What?  You actually wish for some evil creatures like the Dementors to exist?”

“Oh dealing with them would be much more fun than being a junior accountant at Patel & Chawla Accountants.  I hate my job,” he said petulantly.  “Do you know what Chawla sir said to me today? …”

He went on droning about how depressing and boring his job was.  She let him speak, as she bustled about in the kitchen, cooking the meal.  The bread machine pinged and the delicious aroma of freshly baked bread made him stop complaining.  He picked up the cat and put it on the floor, and drew his plate forward, taking a huge helping.

There was silence as they ate their meal.  Then he gave a sigh of contentment and said, “I really don’t know how you do it.  Each meal is so tasty.”

“Like I said, cooking is real magic.”

He snorted scornfully.  “If you had magic, you could have got me a great job, a challenge for my intellect.  With that kind of money we could get a cook too.”

She smiled serenely and said, “I like to cook.”

With a patronizing smile he nodded, “Simple chores for a simple intellect.”

She lowered her eyes so that he would not see the anger that blazed in them but her mouth tightened.

He dropped an absent kiss on her head and went to the bedroom.

She waved her hand and the door shut noiselessly.  The cat stretched and said, “The man is blind and a pompous fool!”

“I know,” she said with a smile.  “To use his favorite author’s terms, he is such a muggle!”

“How do you tolerate him?”

“Hey he has given us a home.  We need to hide and recover from the last war we were in, so don’t knock it,” she grinned as she magically cleared the kitchen and did the dishes.

“Such tolerant behavior Ayesha” the cat grumbled.

“Nah!  I am not a saint.  I am going to inflict another dreadful working day on him, the poor dear!” she grinned.

 

 This is in response to the WEEK #53 (5-20-12 to 5-26-12): Pick a Line from a Book and Write from There prompt of GBE2

 

De-stressing on Mother’s Day

Sometimes I think that we, as a nation are too earnest.  We seem to think that we have to strive solemnly and earnestly for perfection – which is a laugh since life itself is gloriously imperfect.  If it were not, I would have gone insane with boredom.  Take motherhood for instance.  It is a messy, painful and tiring thing.  Anyone who has had to clean car seat covers of puke, wipe snot and change diapers will agree.  Of course it has its rewards, when the kids are pre-puberty they do look at you as though you are a goddess.  Sadly that phase does not last.  Know something?  I would trade that for the adult kids phase.  Small kids can be oh so annoying and clingy.  I teamed up with Sagarika Chakraborty and we decided to play the antithesis of the filmy Ma.  There were some stock questions mothers ask, and we replied to them at the Write Up Cafe

Here is the link : http://www.writeupcafe.com/Writeups/1/2089/de-stressing-the-mothers-in-dist

Amelia Curzon is a blogger and author and has been kind enough to host me on her blog.  I am a guest blogger for the week.  Do check that out too

http://ameliacurzonblogger.wordpress.com/

This is what she writes

This week, I am very pleased to welcome my Guest Blogger Ritu Lalit Author Ritu Lalit with her amusing recollections of her son’s wedding. A catalogue of disasters occurs, which I’m sure many of us can relate to, when fate intervenes and destroys even the best laid plans.

Thanks Amelia.  I read the reviews of your book on Amazon.  Cant wait to get my copy

 

 

 

Tips for upcoming authors

Not that I am an established one … but far too many starry eyed and earnest young people have been pinging me on Gtalk and on Facebook … somehow they think I can advise them.  I have tried very earnestly to reply to them but it gets kind of repititive

  • Your job is to write.  Do so sincerely and from the heart.
  • Writing is not a paying profession in the initial stages – but the good thing is that you are young and you have all the time in the world to build yourself up as a writer.
  • Do not “vanity publish”.  If someone wants you to pay them to publish your book, look elsewhere.  Once money has been exchanged, the publisher will give you copies and copies of your work.  Distribution and selling will fall on you.  That is hard work and you may not have experience in selling.
  • Do have patience.  This is a novel and not instant coffee!  You will spend a long time writing it, along with your day job or school or college or whatever your current occupation is.  Then you will submit to a publisher, who will again take time.  No, don’t curse the hapless souls.  They are snowed with manuscripts.  They have evaluators who will read the work and then decide if they want to invest money and time in it.  Then once your work is accepted, it takes them 6 months to a year – with editing, cover art etc etc.  Then the book comes to book stores.  So the gestation for a novel is about a year at least!  So do have patience.
  • Edit, not once, not twice.  Edit as many times it is necessary.  If you do not have the expertise, it pays to have a fresh set of eyes look at your work.  Hire a reputed editor.  Like I said earlier, publishers have way too many manuscripts and will reject yours if they think it is shoddy.
  • Once your work is finished and your manuscript is ready, research.  Check out the kind of books publishers are publishing.  If your story is a romance apply to publishers who are publishing in the same genre – fantasy fiction, again check.  Publishers have a particular genre they like.  Sending them a book in the similar genre minimizes your chance of getting rejected.
  • Agents – like every other human an agent can be good or bad.  They are useful, but then good publishing houses consider unsolicited manuscripts too.
  • Promotion …. now this is a sensitive topic with me, since I don’t have a clue how to do this.  If someone charges an arm and a leg – stop and consider.  Royalties are not large unless you are a big name.  So all that expense …  I leave that decision to you.
  • From Amal in the comment section … read extensively.  It will help you add depth and style to your work.  My own feeling is that you should read not only to keep up with the trends and styles, but also so that you can steer away from formulae and cliches.
  • Last but most important – You want to be an author – which is a lonely self absorbed kind of occupation.  The main relationship in a writer’s life is with the lap top screen.  Do not do it if you do not have a passion for it.

 

I will keep updating the bullets as and when I get asked another question ….

Unveiling the book cover of HILAWI

When the chants rise up, Gigi or Gargi Tamang finds that she has to gravitate to the strange object that they seem to emanate from: A disc made of a metal that no one can identify. Could the myths that we’ve heard from time immemorial, actually be true?

 

 

 

Veer and Gargi Tamang, twins, are nothing like each other; he, a mild-mannered and scholarly youth, and she, a feisty young woman, full of energy. A telephone call from India suddenly changes their lives. They find that they are the designated guardians and protectors of a strange shield that is both coveted and feared by their own clansmen. They are completely unprepared for the adventure they are rocketed into, where no one around them seem to be who they are, where they are constantly on the run and where they have been summoned for a task they can’t even believe.

 

 About the Author

Ritu Lalit spent the first few years of her life in the north east, where she would lie on the grass and stare at the skies, convinced that she did not belong to this planet.  Since she was here, she tried her utmost to fit in, even learnt math!  But the desire to live in a dream world could not be suppressed, so now she writes fiction.  In real life she lives in the NCR with her two sons, a daughter in law, three dogs and 20 fishes.  You can meet her on her blog, www.phoenixritu.com

Decline

There once was a princess.  She was rather pampered by her family, never allowed to take any decisions, or shoulder responsibilities.  Her father always said, “Oh she is a princess.  She will rule.”

Since she was gorgeous, when she grew up, she had many suitors.  But the pampered princess could not make a decision.

Sadly for her, her father died.  Her brothers found her a pain and consulted their prime minister on where to marry her off.

She was married off into a kingdom far away

She hated her new home.  They believed in simple living and high thinking.  There were no pretty things to wear, silken sheets or attendants and servants to attend to all her needs.  On the top of that, her husband was not impressed by her beauty.  He found her a pampered silly immature little girl.

But the princess was hurt by his indifference.  While flatterers and yes men would not have won her heart, his indifference stung her and perversely made her fall in love with him.

Desperate to win his approval, she sought advise from certain courtiers who had accompanied her to her marital home.

Some told her to smile and fawn on him…..

Others told her to show indifference …

Yet another told her to fight with him  ….

Or cry ….

Or go back to her maternal home in the hope that he would miss her

But one said,

My lady, you have to understand your man.

This kingdom is not near the river, it is not in the hills.  The terrain is rough, and fierce tribes live here.  Survival can only happen if every one works.  So it takes team work to live in this kingdom.

Many civilizations have come and gone in the river kingdom of your father.  You know why?

Because 50% of the populace thinks that they do not need to work, they can live off the people who work – just because they are royal or noble.  Or because their fathers or grandfathers did something really great.

So the other 50% start resenting this.  They start feeling that they should not work, because worthless lazy bums will benefit from their work.

And the kingdom goes into decline.

Your husband wants to see you making an effort, he wants to see you behave responsibly.

…..

 

Change in game plan

Life is getting to be quite a rut …

When you are young, you do not have a plan, at least I did not have one.  No plan about life, no plan about career, no plan about money.  I kind of liked that! I meandered into what I do for a living.  I just lived ….

Now its so structured ….

Get up in the morning, do a few stretches, eat a bowl of corn flakes, eat calcium, drink tea, get dressed, reach office cabin.

Work, blog, face book, scribble notes on pad on how the next chapter of book is going to look like

Drive home.  May be stop for veggies and fruit shopping, reach home.  Spend some time with sons, catch up.  Eat dinner.  Write fresh chapter, or delete some, add some …

Sleep

Oh did I mention that I even don’t plan my outfit for the day.  Just pick up what is on the top of the pile …

I need variety.

The last year has been rough … I have more white in my head than colour.  I swear I have wrinkles … fresh new ones.  That is acceptable.  What is not acceptable is that I had no fun acquiring the greys and wrinkles.  I may even have to get my eyes checked, the power may have increased.

This is not how I want to grow old!  I want to have fun growing old.

So here is the deal God/Higher Being/Alien in Charge of Planet Earth

I want choice …

I want choice on how to add the greys and wrinkles.  I want to enjoy the process, laugh so hard that tears stream down my face.  I want to laugh until I clutch my sides, and double up with belly ache.

I want laughter lines, nor worry lines.

And I want my face to be crowned with shiny silvery white hair.

That would be life well spent

Elevenses, a tag

Tag rules :

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Ze questions

1. What is your favorite cartoon character and how do you relate its traits to real life?

It has to be Maxine.  I love her … and sometimes I think I am becoming her! I think she should have a comic book to herself

 

2. What attachment do you think can keep you from salvation? (A metaphorical question this :P Salvation is no cake. For me it was my attachment to my cat Chunky).

I don’t want salvation.  I don’t want to die and go someplace where there is total peace and happiness.  So boring.  Once I die I intend to hang on here and haunt people – just for the fun of it.

3. Name one character from books/movies that you admired and why.

To many …. Heathcliff comes to mind, so does Hermoine Granger and the twin Weasleys …. Gandalf.  And the Mad Hatter!  Oh I am spoilt for choice

4. If you were to write a book with you as the lead, what would be the genre of the book?

Insane whacky humor

5. Which language do you think in and how does it help?

I think in Hinglish, want to write in that language too, but publishers dont like that

6. If you are new to a niche group, for example a seminar on a technology you have no clue about and everybody except you seems comfortable with the jargon, how do you try and fit in? You act smugly confident or intelligently curious? (Cue: Mandira Bedi’s foray in Cricket Commentary).

My way of acting in such situations is to be a bimbette … you know big smile on face and no questions.  You would be amazed how much you get away with if you wear a lovely smile and are lucky enough to have an innocent look on your face.  Oh it helps to wear plain glasses to hide the devil within.

7. Name one quality of yours you admire without a tinge of narcissism.

Heck I am as narcissistic as they come!  My writing talent perhaps?

8. What is one faux pas you would never want to make? And are most susceptible to making!

Forgetting the right name for the right face …. I do that so often :(

9. Umm…tell me a joke :P (The reason is I was known for jokes which couldn’t make even the Mad Hatter laugh, well ‘cos he’s doesn’t grasp them, but that’s another case. You have to tell me a joke which makes me laugh and I can then borrow it :P )

My cousin once told me that life should be taken with a pinch of
salt ….and a wedge of lemon ……. not forgetting a large measure of tequilla.

Not funny enough?  Try reading this after a couple of tequilla shots.

10. What is the accomplishment you are most proud of as a person? (I had once convinced my friend’s 4 year old sister, who was down with possible Typhoid to take a blood test without crying. When we took her to the lab, she was crying her heart out and would not even listen to anything. I took her out, got her a toffee and then told her, you wanna get well no? Doctors want you to get well too, they wanna know what you have and can treat you then. The needle is a mosquito bite young lady, and we are not afraid of mosquitos :) She went inside, and held out her arm and told the doctor with a smile – I don’t need an your assistant to hold my hand, I am a brave girl. Well I wanted to brag so the question :P  )

I think my life is what I am proud of; it is my main notable achievement

11. This is a cliched one. Tell us a hobby/sport that most people don’t know you’re good at.

Watching sansanikhej khabrein and cooking up awesome successful ways in which crime can be committed

 

There!  Phew done that!

My questions – hehehehehe I am so gonna have fun!

1. If you were in Harry Potter series, which character would you be?

2. Any one you wish would fall off the planet?

3. Do you believe in miracles?

4. Famous person you resemble ….

5. Your favorite superstition – I make a wish on fallen eyelashes

6. What is your superpower?  Mine is to dream up fantastically improbable stories   Actually it is to eat food and convert it into fat!

7. If a movie was made on your life, what would it be called?

8. Which would you prefer – dying in a blaze of glory or dying peacefully in your sleep?

9. What do you do when no one is watching – no, not THAT!  Something you can safely admit to :P

10. Gabbar Singh or Mogambo?

11. Angeline Jolie’s leg as displayed on Oscar or Mallika Sherawat’s gyrations in Jalebi Bai?

Okay now to tag eleven people,

1. Aneela

2. Chandni

3. Abha

4. Dipali

5. Shail

6. Imp’s Mom

7. Monika Manchanda

8. Purba Ray

9. Deeps

10. UmaS

11. Iya

Whadduknow, I got eleven people!  Wow

And Kamikaze done your tag

 

 

 

 

Thoughts on the wedding of a niece …

1.  Why is it that the boy’s family is considered oh so superior in a traditional Hindu set up?

2.  Why is it that the girl is given wise advice on how she should bend over backwards to adjust?  I am sure the groom gets no such advise ….

3.  Why is the food always fried and if not – dollops of ghee/butter is poured into it?

4.  Why do weddings happen always in winters?  It is so chilly in the night brrrrrr!

5.  Why does some one always throw a tantrum?  It is full on drama time, with tears, sulks and tantrums, followed by the jhappis and smiles ;)

6.   Why do the pheras have to happen in the wee hours of the morning – in this weather?

Ahhh the long commutes to farm houses, the frazzled nerves, the meetings with long lost and forgotten relatives one never wanted to meet ……

Ahhh the kulfis and gol gappas and gajar halwas and piping hot gulab jamuns …

Ahhh the dhol beats, the tired sleep deprived but fun filled nights

The booze drunk on the sly, the stolen puffs of cigarettes …

The bottles of alcohol hidden in car boots, along with ice, soda and glasses.  Apparently this set up is called car-O-bar :D

Big Fat Punjabi Weddings are the best – especially if they are in the family.

Now I better get dressed and leave for the pheras