If I were Empress of the World

Of course in my own eyes I already am!  But public opinion bhi maangta hai na!

Well if I were the Empress here is what would happen

1. Window Shopping would be classified as aerobic exercise.  So would sex.

2. The entire globe would be wi-fi enabled and no one would pay for internet

3. The entire world would run on solar energy and people using fossil fuels and trying to make money out of selling essential stuff like food, water and power would be thrown in jail.  I’d take them out of the dungeon on a day I was bored and have them try to kill each other.  GO NINJA GO! (I would like to classify jeans, shoes, tees and sweaters as essential too, but kuch zyada ho jayega!)

4. Similar would be the fate of people trying to make money out of other people’s misfortunes like disease and death

5. But special treatment would be meted out to rapists, child abusers, people who are intolerant, people who are bestial and cruel and curb other’s religious and personal freedom.  They would be put into padded cells in lunatic asylums in solitary confinement.  I think they’re nuts anyway …..  They could wither away frothing in the mouth and talking to themselves.

6.  I am getting increasingly disillusioned and angry with the recent Shiv Sena attack on Shah Rukh Khan over IPL.  These bully boys have to be stopped.  If  I were Empress, those pricks from Shiv Sena would already be in solitary confinement where they could not spew their poison.  The people from the media who are giving them a platform to spread their poison would be in dungeons awaiting their duel to death for my entertainment and the Govt would be sent to the hospital to be physically castrated.  They are morally and spiritually eunuchs anyway, since they allow this nonsense to be replayed again and again.

Return of the Aviator!!

Kid#1 is back home now.  This, by our standards is huge!  He’s been to Philippines and back quite a few times in his quest for a commercial pilot’s license.   But then we are a family that goes from crisis to crisis – with a short pause in which we try to figure out if we are seriously out of trouble or not ….

Consider this : Kid#1 gets engaged …. runs the car over the verge and decides to fly planes …. since there are no verges in the sky!

Okay!  That is completely mean of me.  It may or may not have happened like this exactly but this is my story and my blog …

So he tries to get to Canada or the US to get his training.  Terrorism and brown skin decide that he does not get a Visa.  Hence he goes to Philippines

The course is supposedly for one year.  The Global Warming and Divine Powers decide that the weather will be horrible.  There are typhoons during the past two years that have drowned the country, ripped open the runway and tarmac and even smashed the air control tower to the ground.

Phew!

Hence the course that was to be for one year lasted two.  But he survived and is now a qualified Licensed Commercial Pilot

Anyway he is finally back, jet lagged, deprived of Indian food (we actually carried roti and dal sabzi to the airport with us for him) and skinny.

I mean I am the most carefree kind of parent but even I thought he was skinny ~~

Is there any mother in the world who thinks her child has come back home looking hale and hearty?  There is some kind of reflex circuitry which triggers a primitive response that is so Hindi Movie ….

Mom : Beta you are looking so starved – bechara!  Theekh se khaana bhi nahin mila.  Have another parantha ….

Son : Basking in maternal attention and pampering : Arrey vahan after the typhoon you could not get any fruit or vegetable, and there is nothing like ghar ki roti

Sibling : Perhaps thinking now the spotlight will have to be shared :  Bhai, I dunno, you look okay to me

Wifey : By passing all the undercurrents : Babe, I think you look sexy with the moustache

Ahem!  Okay I know you have been apart for the last four months but give it a break, Will Ya?

Come to think of it, I actually agree with her … he looked cute in a bearded Brad Pitt kind of a way

Aaaah!  You know what I think now that he is got married and educated (in that order rather than the conventional way?)

I think its one down and one to go.  Need the other one to get his degree and wife – in whichever order he wishes so that I can become a vagabond gypsy that I am at heart

One down one to go …. ….. ….. …..

Truth, Freedom and other creatures of fantasy

Are you sure this is the right way?

Are you absolutely sure?

Your right way accuses my right way

Of being totally wrong

Are you sure that you speak the truth?

Are you absolutely sure?

Your truth accuses me of falsehood

Isn’t that the truth?

Are you sure your God is real?

Are you absolutely sure?

Your God calls my God names

And says he’s less Godly

Are you sure you are free?

Are you absolutely sure

Your freedom to speak, breathe and live

Bind so many others with fetters

Isnt what you think is for you right and free

Just another name for Tryranny?

Raaz : Iss Janam Ka

I’ve been watching Raaz Pichley Janam Ka with great interest.  Anything to do with deep seated memories, fast forward to future or a trip to the past simply fascinates me.  Sci Fi, extra terrestrial life forms, fantasy, occult are stuff right up my alley.  I normally avoid the television and the serials completely.  They piss me off.  This does not.

Me being me ~ how could I just be content with watching.  Like I said once while discussing blue flicks, spectator sports simply do not interest me.

So I decided to hunt out some one who could do P.L.R. for me.

Me : I want to get my past life regression done

DIL : Oh for godssake Mom!  Why?

Kid #2 : So do I!  Suppose I was a King or a mad Scientist it would be fun.  I’d know where I hid the money and could recover it or I would know some fantastic things I had invented.

Me :  Heyy this is about me!

DIL : Why is this family so insane?

Me :  Dunno babe ~~~ You decided to get hitched into this family, so it follows that you are insane

Well after the customary argument, I set off to get my PLT done.

The therapist I picked up played a spoil sport

Therapist :  Any phobias?

Me : None

Therapist : Any deep seated issues ~~~

Me : Well I had an awful relationship with my mother

Therapist : And

Me : She’s dead now ~~~

Therapist : And

Me : Thinking deeply : Well I guess I dont wanna meet her again in any life

(gwarsh!  This sounded lame ; even to me)

Therapist : You know you need a question that you need answered or an issue you need resolved – so first figure them out before you venture into such a journey.  It costs a lot.

Me : So?

Therapist : I guess you first resolve issues in your present life

Me : Mucho dissappointed

So I guess I need to introspect – actually single out issues that need resolution – in the pichla janam to go for a trip

I was talking to Kid#1 on the phone, actually complaining that the darn therapist actually stalled me!

Kid #1 : Huh!  If you wanted to go on a tour of Europe, Go visit Egypt or Greece I could understand!  This is weird

Sigh!!!  Yeah!  Guess I am weird- but I so wanna!

Definition of Stress 55 worder

Rushing home, late and dinner to cook.  Stress @ 30

Have work to do for a morning meeting!  Stress @ 50

Son has a math test the next day.  Stress @ 99

Home! Hubby’s dealing with son and dinner!

Relief

While sleeping tears start– why is he being so sweet?  Is he cheating?

Stress @ infinity

Such a tame New Year celebration : Groan

We are not what can be called a normal family …. no that did not come out right!

Let me put it in a better way : – what is normal for us is not normal for a whole lot of people.  What is normal for a whole lot of people is either hypocrisy to us … or downright boring to us.

For new years, like everyone else I got a whole lot of calls from 31st morning onwards – not to mention – an deluge of messages on my cellphone.  Since all I normally get as sms are reminders to feed the bank so that my EMI’s reach the financial Gods in time – I ignore them …

Guess what – people actually did message me to wish me a Happy New Year.  I am so chuffed up heh!

Kid#1 rang me up at 10 a.m. and wished me and then said he was fed up of Christmas and New Year festivities and was gonna go underground while this madness was afoot!  My current mental state being actually hostile to human civilization, I could quite empathize with him.  Wanted to tell him to point me to an underground bunker near by where I could crawl into.

Ex rang up to wish me Happy New Year.  He was going to a Reverse James Bond Party, where he was supposed to be dressed up like a femme fatale and his wife as 007.  God is very merciful – I did not have to witness this one!  :mrgreen:

Kid#2 was footloose.  He has a 21st century relationship – on and off.  At present having been dumped by his on sometimes off sometimes girl friend was single so he decided to go to a party at 2 a.m. after bringing in the New Year with us.

DIL is actively against going out to celebrate New Year.  She would like to be with family (I pause here so that all of you can say Awww so sweet!).  In my bitchy avataar let me point out that if her husband was here, they would have been out partying.

So we started our New Year binge at 10 p.m.  No fancy cooking.  Just got food from some Italian joint and sweets from Open Oven, lots of alcohol to wet the food pipe and settled around the heater.

What can I say ….

Being rather occaisional drinkers (pshaw!) both DIL and I were out for the count by 11.30.  Kid#2 woke us up at 12 and wished us while we went into our rooms and crashed.

Really tame.  I am quite ashamed of myself.  By 2010 end, I need to elope with someone of half my age with four times as much money ….

That would start 2011 with a bang!