Some faltu ka gyan this New Year, Take it or leave it

New Year Resolutions

(Image courtesy www.elfwood.com)

So what are your new year resolutions?

Have you made a list which contains the following

1. Lose Weight

2. Get out of the debt trap

3. Stop smoking

4. Start an exercise routine

5. Join a gym

6. Learn something new – language, skill whatever …..

Errr Halt!  Enough of that

You’ll have cheated on your diet, missed gym and bought the absolutely darling gizmo before you know it.  Happens every February you know

SOME NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS THAT HOPEFULLY WILL WORK

1. “Be yourself, everyone else is taken” Nah I didnt say it, Eleanor Roosevelt did.

2. Act your age, think your age …  Mohammed Ali once said, “If a man of fifty acts like he did when he was twenty, he’s wasted thirty years.”  I would add, don’t try and date the cute bimbette – you wont have anything common once the lust dies.  On second thoughts, go in for the ride, but dont look for a lasting relationship.

3. Fall in love – with yourself, with life, with this world, yeah with someone.  It truly is a wonderful place to be in.  For the die hard cynics – You might as well …. since you aint going any place else soon

4. Do some springcleaning.  Throw away all the bills, the warranty cards for things long since dead and gone.  Keep all the love letters, hand made cards made by your children.

5. Go through the old albums, laugh at the wierd hairstyles and clothes.

In short the only New Year Resolution that works is to live, laugh and love – sincerely with your whole heart.  It is the only way to live

In fact, I would also add, if you wanna hate – do that wholeheartedly too.  Experience the emotion, break a few plates, throw a tantrum, scream … do what you have to – and get it out of your system.

Then you can get back to doing what you  should be doing … living life KING SIZE~~~~~ QUEEN SIZE

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Art of Gifting to Wives and Girlfriends

This post is written after a whole lot of folks wanted me to do another gifting one.  Well here goes:-

This is specifically addressed to men.  Guys don’t ya just luuuurve Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, Birthdays of the special women in your lives.  You not only remember the day, date, her particular likes and dislikes and what’s in and what’s not!

Just kidding!  I can empathise (though not understand) the sheer terror at worst, total helplessness at best that men experience through when having to buy gifts for wives or girlfriends.

Most men I know coolly forget the day unless they have set up a reminder on their mobile phones after the last time they forgot and got hell from the gentle little lady who suddenly turned into a flaming virago!

Then they dilly dally till the last minute and then quickly run into a store, get whatever they thought was suitable, got it gift wrapped and presented it with a “Babe I know it sucks but see I remembered ….”

Most seasoned girl-friends or wives simply buy their own presents and bill the man.  It’s better than getting agitated with the gifts men turn up with.  One of my cousins once turned up with the slinkiest and most revealing negligee which he thought was appropriate as a gift for a first date!!!  Phew!  We were able to dissuade him, but he simply did not “get” it.

Hot Tip No. 1

If the way into a man’s heart is through his stomach, the way to a girl’s heart is through her feet.  Get a gift basket for your darling full of foot massage oils, lotions, salts, and all those exotic and sexy smelling lotions to rub into her feet.  Heat up a bucket full of hot water, get her to soak her feet into that bucket, and then offer to personally give her a foot massage.

Bonus Item No. 1

A foot massage starts from below the knee, but rarely stops there.

Hot Tip No. 2

Trinkets, jewels always work – but you need to seriously consider the sort of message you are giving.  If you give your date jewelry you are saying “I’m serious, lets get hitched”. You are also saying, “How do you feel about babies?”, “Can you cook like Mom?”, etc. etc. This is true even if you give her a pair of silver ear rings.  So be very careful.  If you have no intention of getting hitched a box of chocolates is enough.

If you are committed/married/both …. Well jewelry will get you lots of brownie points, but you need to get her jewelry she likes.  Here is a serious problem.  You may never be on the same page as far as jewels go, and you may buy her something she considers ghastly.  Get a classy string of pearls – you can never go wrong with it.

Bonus Item No. 2

Pearls don’t cost as much as gold and diamonds do.  If the clasp has some diamond encrustation, she will be very happy.

Hot Tip No. 3

Silk and Cashmere!!!  Just feel the fabric and you will understand why ladies love them.  They are classy, elegant and sensuous to touch.  You can earn mucho brownie points if you take her with you to buy a silk shawl so that she gets to choose the color and design.

Bonus Item No. 3

You get to cuddle her with the shawl, snuggle in with her etc etc

Hot Tip No. 4

Yeah this is the lame ass one!  So you “forgot” and now have no time to get her anything.  Hotfoot down to Hallmark or Archies (thank God for them) and buy the most humongous looking teddy bear.  Remember the bigger the better!  Grab a box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers and then turn up at her doorstep with the sexiest grin that you can muster.

Bonus Item No. 4

Your sins will be forgiven, she will hug Teddy, hug you and then you can hug Teddy and her, cuddle in with her and tear open the box of chocolates etc etc. A warning though, this only works once! Besides you dont want Mr. Teddy to take up all the space on the bed or couch do you???

The art of gifting to people you hate

Yeah this is a social art one should learn.  One is faced with many situations when one has to paint a fake smile on the face, show pleasure, fork out a whole lot of hard earned money and get a gift for someone one wishes were wiped off the face of this earth!  We need to do the gifting thing for Diwali, for Christmas, for weddings and New Year.

If you are a north Indian, life gets easier.  You simply take a shagun envelope, pop in some money, seal it and slip it into the said person’s pocket.  Chore done!  We have reduced gifting to a simple financial transaction.  But it simply does not reflect the anger, the displeasure that one feels in parting with that sum of money does it?  I mean it does not say “Mrs. Chopra, I think you are an overfed, over made up empty headed shallow person, and I don’t give a rat’s ass that your spoilt son is getting married” etc etc. Get my drift?

Well, if one has to do the deed, I think one can do it with panache!

So here are my suggestions for really creative gifting  

EVIL GIFTING IDEAS

1. Santa themed neck tie

Dont knock it.  Someone gave ex a red christmassy tie with santas, reindeers and christmas bells on it.  The look on his face was priceless when he unwrapped it.  Well, he never wore it (obviously) and I ultimately hung a few bells using it as a string on the baby’s crib.  I have always found it really creatively evil gifting idea!  While on the subject a hawaiian shirt would do well too.

2. A hard-bound copy of the Ramayana or Geeta (written in Sanskrit with no translation).

Feel free to substitute it with other appropriate religious material.  Most effective when the recipient is young, non-religious and suffering from a hangover when he unwraps it.

3. A Morning Walker :

Ideal gift to give to an ex who is simply not moving on or getting the message.  If you do not want to spend that much money, a Low Cal diet recipe book will suffice too.

4. A dress that is just one size small.

This is purrrfect for the oh so superior patronizing females.  I have heard of a lady who did that every christmas for her daughters and daughter in laws.  Then she would insist on them modeling it for her and then cluck sympathetically and say “I simply did not realize how healthy my darling girls have grown!”

Well Alicia Keyes dress says it all ~~~ and most of us arent as shapely as her to carry it off even this much~

5. A vacuum cleaner/Vesta dish warmers.

Husbands if you hate your wives go for it!  If you hate sleeping on the couch, dont do it, tempting though it may be …..  :P

6. A life-sized framed poster of Kylie Minogue looking like this

Works wonderfully as Mrs. Chopra’s spoilt son’s wedding gift.  She can spend the rest of her life bitching about it at kitty parties, but her son wont know where to keep it – not to mention – how to explain to his bride!

7. Soap

Cheap, unimaginative.  Just sends the message that you could not be bothered to think of a suitable gift at the best; and that you think the person should wash up, at the worst.

8. A drum set (the electronic one with 6 different tones and 8 different beats) for your least favorite cousin’s brat

The good thing will be that you will no longer be on talking terms with your cousin.  A win-win situation

9. A neatly packed set of mouth freshener, dental floss and mouth wash

10. Santa Toilet Seat Covers and Shower Decorations

I saw these at Amazon, laughed my guts out and got inspired into writing this blog!

My kids talk to me …. Halp!!!!

Do vote for me at indibloggers in the best design category (Section 14)

http://multivote.sparklit.com/web_poll.spark/21900

You know what I hate about new age parenting?  The fact that there are so many rules that are diametrically opposed to how we were brought up!

Humarey Zamaaney Mein : Part One

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

Aaj Kal : We hear of the new fangled thing called child abuse

Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two

Children are simply to be seen, not heard

Aaj Kal : Parenting is all about keeping the communication lines open all the time.  Psychologists tell us it is good and rewarding.  We are to listen to our kids  attentively, participate in their lives

WELL!

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT IS DARN INCONVENIENT!

What about the many years of “our lives” that we put on hold when they were kids and ran after them, picked after them and cooked stuff they wanted to eat?

What about how much the middle aged body and mind can take?

Picture this :

You put a load of laundry in the washing machine, brew a nice cup of tea and pick up the newspaper and settle into your warm quilt.  It is a utopia moment …..

Kid#2 : Mom, is Bhabhi around

Me : No, I guess she is upstairs

Kid#2 : Well, I was thinking yada yada yada

Me : Looking at the newspaper regretfully and trying to mentally console myself with a never mind, knowing said newspaper is going to go unread into kabadi ……. or I will have to wake up late in the night to read old news without the supplements and comics that I love – which the kids have already taken into their own rooms or to college/work

Sigh!

Or this scenario

Me, hastily cooking and laying the table, thinking of going online asap once dinner is over

Well the Kid has had a tiff with girl friend and wants to do detailed self analysis with all the “I have feelings of inadequacy and no one understands me” emotions of teenage with angst galore

or Scenario No. 2

DIL has to tell me all about quirks of her co-workers that she finds annoying.  I send an email and get chided because “You are not listening properly”.  So I settle down to “listen properly”, and after 5 minutes add my comment to what she said about a co-worker.

She stops me with a “Dont take it the wrong way, but I dont want you to say anything – not that I dont value your inputs”.

Me : You mean you want to be heard with no comments?  So you better talk to a wall then!?!????

She : I am not saying you cant comment

Me : But you prefer that I dont

She : I didnt mean that ~~~~

Me : But I thought that’s what you meant

She : MOMMMMMM You dont listen properly

And she stomps off hufffily

I give up on the emails totally confused.  Besides my middle aged body is tired and needs its rest ……….

I prefered the olden days

Humaarey Zamaaney Mein : Part Two

Children are simply to be seen, not heard

Make that young adults too