Monthly Archives: September 2009

Mera award shaward

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Snazzy aint it?  Thanks Pal

jadore_tien_blog_award_20092

It gives me more sophistication than I have gathered in my half a century on the planet. 

On a baser note, I watched The Secret for the umpteenth time last night, trying to figure out how to manifest untold wealth, rubies and emeralds as large Cadbury Nutties and diamonds of the size of decent Ferroro Rochers.  The Secret, sad to say, escapes me.

So my status message henceforth shall be

HAIL OH UNIVERSE! 

I wanna manifest untold goodies, not to forget a Mercedes Benz S Class, a few crores of rupees, gizmos (not to forget a 50 inch plasma screen) so on and so forth.  Tell me how!

Dammit the Universe aint listening!!!!

Sigh, better do my duty towards the award

I henceforth pass it on to

The Walkerman : for doing the trudge which so impressed me.  I never thought he would manage to complete it

Taposh : for his thoughtful insights on the country and the world around us in cartoon form

Brainstuck : Check out his cartoons, they’re awesome

Kinnari Comics : Awesome artwork, updated each Thursday and is free!

After Pack Up : Movie gossip - Some of the sassy entries are written by me.  I know I know, shameless self plug, but could not resist! Gave ya links you did not have didnt I, so be happy!

Khadda Bakheda Ho Gayo

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I learnt this new phrase today!  My driver hails from Haryana or as they pronounce it Hari-yana.  He normally has cds of Aarati and Mahamrityunjaya playing in the morning when he ferries me to work.  I think he deems them suitable for females my age.

Today he had a rather naughty cd of Haryanavi songs playing.  I found them better than Om Jay Jagdish etc.  I know, I have bad Godless taste!  But the songs were too much!  You had one musical one about a youth lusting over his Chachi and serenading her with evil intent declared.  You had one about a saali trying to woo her Jija, and the Jija rejecting her and advising her to cool down.  The Jija exasperated sings in chorus …….. 

KHADDA BAKHEDA HO GAYO!!!!!

Must say I have started my day with a bang

 

On popular demand, I am attempting to translate the phrase :

Khada = Standing

Bakheda = Problem

Ho Gayo = Happened

So it would mean that a problem has arisen …..

Dammit the punch is missing!!!!  Lost in Translation I think

How to be a gracious bitch

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I got this as an email forward and I absolutely wanna be like this lady! 

I am sure every woman who reads it would admire her for this

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH

 

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as he mother!

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ‘Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,’ she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.’

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her

mother, ‘Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.’

NOW I ASK YOU – IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN’T ENJOY THIS STORY?

Halp! My words come and bite me in the ….

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My elder son has gone and I already feel the absence!

Yeah I know he’s just a phone call away …..   I also know that I have told him in all sorts of ways that he can leave and settle down anyplace in the world and its okay with me!  In fact I have told this to both the kids.  No I am not being a bitch – but I truly believe that parents have been successful if their kids learn to be completely self reliant.  I am not above throwing  a tantrum and telling them to get the F out of here, when I am being completely and unreasonably menopausal!

But see, I am on my knees apologising – that too publicly on my blog

Flashback to yesterday …..

I get home by 6 p.m. to find the maids in a tizzy.  Apparently the door that opens into the first floor of our home mysteriously got locked.  We have a fully functional apartment kind of set up on the first floor with two bedrooms, one living room, balcony etc.  The maids said they did not lock the dratted door.  The dogs cannot do it, and neither can the fishes.  We are the first occupants of this villa, so no irate ghost could be playing games…..

WELL

I cursed the damn maids, the damn door, the damn dogs etc and tried to open the door.  I tried about 2 dozen ( I am not exaggerating) 2 dozen keys, but could not open it.

Rang up Kid 2 who refused to pick up his effin cell!

Rang up Kid 1 in Phillipines in desperation!  He found things amusing (Damn Him).  Most likely he was thanking his stars that he is in Philly and does not have to be Alpha Male and set things right at home!

I got our resident electrician to climb the roof, jump into the balcony (it requires athletic prowess) and open the door.  Phew!  Once the door was unlocked I felt relieved.  The maids got busy with their cleaning and I wandered to the loo

Whadduknow!!!!!  The effin loo was locked! 

How does the same shit happen twice in the same day????

Got out that huge box of keys GROAN!  Started trying each and every one of ‘em again DOUBLE GROAN  Made a mental note to separate the darn keys into bunches that made sense

Kid 1 rang up to ask “Did the upstairs get unlocked” and went hysterical when told about my loo

“Use the other loo Mom”

Me : “No thanks Kiddo!  I like to use my own loo”

Kid 2 still wasnt picking up the phone

DIL rang up – heard my predicament and was properly sympathetic (at first)

The lock magically opened – one key actually fit!  WOW!

DIL rang up again, got the update and then said in a sweetly bitchy tone :

“You keep telling us to go away and you wanna live alone dont you?!  See this is what will happen to you old woman!”

Ouch!  I hate eating crow!

Kid 1 I am sorry!  Dont mean half of what I say anyways.  So stop laughing and feeling smug.  Kid 2, if you dont pick up the phone, your cell will be confiscated, and DIL, I hate it when you are right, especially when you are at your bitchiest best and right!

Gaaah!

But I am going away Ma!

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For the past almost two years Kid#1 has been one foot in Philllipines and one foot in home sweet home.  To me who has not been out of town for years on end it sounds exciting.

To him who hates Phillipino food, it sucks bigg time.  Apparently they add sugar to all the food.  Every thing tastes sweet, which is a big no no for a true blood Punjabi vampire

Okay – lets ammend that to True Blood Punjabi Carnivore

I almost said “I love you Sookie!” in a gravelly vampire tone, OMG I love that series

So we have one hyper Kid#1 in the home, who wants to eat

1. Aloo Meat

2. Poshto

3. Baghare Baingan

4. Aloo Matar Vadi

5. Atta Halwa

6. Poori Halwa

7. Biriyani

and other things made with love by Mom.  Standard refrain being “But I am going away Ma!”  It is completely immaterial that the trip will hardly last three months!

I am flattered!  I love the fact that my kid misses some stuff that I cook.

What escapes me is that Kid#2 has stopped going to college for the past couple of days “Because Bhai is going away Ma!”

Now that is what I call Chance Pey Dance Marna!

Editor’s note :

Since readers are wanting an update on what DIL is up to ….

Well, DIL is the first one to demand her choice of food … from both her Ma and her MIL, she makes hay – bigg time

As for cooking !

She set rice to cook in the rice cooker last night!

We got some characterless ricey melange today morning – it was not a particularly happy choice for breakfast – we all passed it :lol:

Does anyone know some magic that can be done to overcooked rice?

The X and the Y matters

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I think I really had it easy as a kid.  Was the first daughter after a long ffffffffreaking long run of male children and made much of.

Then I had two sons ….

Even the dogs I had were male …..

The cats I kept did not matter since they know they do not belong to Earth and are here on temporary visa anyway!  So they keep to themselves.

Well the scene sure has changed!

For such a long time in the house I was the only one with a Y chromosome (correction, the only one with a XX chromosome!  Thanks people)

Now I live in the house of estrogen.

Two sons and two dogs are male but they cant keep up with two women and one female dog!

Welcome to hormone nightmares!

I am menopausal and can be totally unreasonable

DIL is queen of drama, so she can out-do menopausal me any time.

So where does this all take us?  Straight into the “Ismey tragedy hai, Ismey no one understands me hai, Ismey I will not listen to logic hai, ismey nobody loves me hai, Ismey you better listen to me hai”

Yeah like I said – Even one of the dogs is female

Two men and two male dogs are no match for

Jeannie the “Oh look at me I am so pretty dog”

DIL the I know I am right even if (in rare cases) I am wrong …. and gawd help you when my PMS flares up

and

ME , the no one loves me appreciates me values me I wanna go back to the galaxy far far away that I belong to.

Pheww !!! This is why protein bars will never work in my home.  Chocolate is the only solution.  I am gonna buy sackfulls, the stock is low!

I am Cowgirl, I am Indian … MIND IT!!

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quick-gun-murugan-new-wallpaper01Signs that the above holds true for me …. or any other right thinking Quick Gun Murugan person in vilayti guize or not!

1. Designates time of the year by pickles – Summer = Mango Pickle, Winter = Gobhi Shalgam pickle, Autumn =  Nimbu Pickle, any other season mirchi pickle and mixed pickle

2. Can eat pizza like roti, you know with fingers, tearing up bits and dipping into the sauce it comes with – after dosing it generously with chilli flakes

3. Can eat dosa with fork, knives and spoons, you know, slicing pieces and forking it into the sambhar that comes with it, and spooning it into the mouth

4. Has a Pavlov syndrome : Say Bedekar, Murukku, Mathi, Samosa and the mouth waters.  One does not even have to see it for the watering to start.  This syndrome attacks out of country Quick Gun Murugans more acutely than the home bound desis

5. Suffers loss of appetite if asked to eat dal chawal with cutlery and thinks eating mango with cutlery is sacrilege

6. Head automatically bows down when passing any temple, church, gurudwara or the like

8. Will look at people from same community with disfavor specially if they are richer than you, and people from other communities with total suspicion

9. Will be completely superstitious but show the world that they dont believe in mumbo jumbo – but say Shani and they take cover

10. Can accomodate and adjust – to anything potholes, power cuts, water shortage, kachra, stray cows, but the moment you say anything against Ma, Behn, Baap, God they will riot

11. Think Katrina is the desi equivalent of gori mem

12. Think Priyanka is better because she is desi

13. Thinks weddings are social outings

14. Thinks visiting temples in far off places is vacation

15. Visits the neighbourhood temple to catch up with news of the colony

Feel free to add more

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