Of Learning the Lessons

“In the natural world you have no friends and you have no enemies. You have only teachers” Dan Millman

I do not think a squirrel would say he hates the cat. He is just going to make tracks asap. A cat will climb curtains and sit on the pelmet rather than try to make polite conversation with the dog all the time plotting how to settle scores. To hate a person, or make friends or try to get on is a human condition. Another burden to carry on our already overburdened shoulders. Hence we have enemies and friends.

When I was much younger, and I was studying for my Jyotish Shastri, we had an instructor who was excellent. In fact his observations of the human condition, our foibles and foolishness gave me much of my gyaan. He would never tell a person that his Shani was bad. He would just say, “Learn, since Shani is a great teacher, very patient. If you fail class, he is just going to keep sitting there until you pass out”. I found that amazingly positive.

I went into marriage a cocksure arrogant bitch. I knew I was perfect, smart, intelligent and witty. It is at that time I realized that Ex came into my life as a teacher, not an enemy. He came to teach me ……..

I often wondered what he came to teach me.

One day I was sitting on the terrace and watching Kid#1 practising Tae Kwondo kicks on the wall. He would over-reach, kick and fall on the hard roof. Then he would pick himself up and have another go at it……

Kid#2 would be sitting next to me with all the keys that he could lay his tiny little hands on. He would line them up and try each and every one of them on all the sundry locks that he had collected through ages…….

Both headstrong, both stubborn and both tenacious….

Genetics is a pretty powerful thing. Both have a very similar character trait to mine. I could recognize kindred spirits.  I realized ex had come in my life to teach to teach me that I was unteachable. I thought I knew it all and
didn’t need to learn anything. Boy, did he prove me wrong! When he got done I had the stuffing knocked out of me, was finally looking for answers.

Hey B!!! This is in reply to your exasperated question : Kis mitti ki banee ho? Itni khush kaise ho?

All that I have in my life, all that I have achieved has come true because of that one experience in my life! So you see, there are no enemies …. there are no curses …

There are only teachers.

Talking Long Distance ……

Actually not long distance as far as distance went. Kid#1 was comfortably esconced on the sofa with his feet on the centre table. DIL was lying down Diva-like on the couch

Kid#2 and Moi were sitting on the other sofa, he was trying to read Tehelka with me trying to read what he was reading ……

DIL : Babe did you call the window wala

Kid#1: No I did not

DIL: (The voice was freezing here) You know the bathroom window has been broken for the last two weeks. Why did you not do it?

Kid#1: Voice rising in defense: I told you I am busy …..

Me: Abandoning the Tehelka and looking at them. This Tehelka was better than Mayawati

Kid#2: Stuffing nose deeper in Tehelka since he is not yet out of the dog house for what he did to the Xing.

Silence for something like 2 whole minutes ……….. Angry looks being exchanged

…… Yummy ………..

DIL: Kid#2 ask your incompetent brother to give me MY almairah keys. I forgot my set at office today

Kid#2 : Doing a good imitation of a deaf mute

Kid#1: Kid#2 tell your arrogant sister in law that I will not give her the keys to MY almairah. She can go to office and get hers

Kid#2: You both can hear each other, leave me out of this

DIL : Mom tell that jackassy son of yours

Me : Picking up a pillow and hiding behind it : Leave me out of it. I dont participate in spousal fights. I only watch them for entertainment.

Both of them: Oh you are hopeless

They look at each other and start laughing. She gets the key bunch and he promises to get a glass man for the window

Both Kid#2 and I look at them shocked. Whaddumean? Was that all???? We want more entertainment

Shucks!!!

Motherhood is not for wimps

Here I am looking for tiny print … the teeniest tiniest one in which I shall proclaim

“and I am one!”

The entire saga began in February ….. what the hell! It actually began when the boys were born, but that is another story – a long one, but not in context right now – at least I think so!

1. I asked Kid#2 when the insurance of the car he runs errands in (that is the official reason for his car – unofficially it is to impress girls) expires and he said three months later

2. I have dumb blonde moments, so I believed him

3. He goes and gets an accident which involves a broken windscreen, various damage to car etc. Mercifully the cops did not come knocking my front door, because Kid#2 fled the scene of the crime and the other guy was too busy being shocked at the damage to his car.

4. What do you know, insurance expired in February. I could cheerfully commit murder (What do they call it when you murder grown up sons? Son-i-cide I think!)

5. Kid#1 and Kid#2 offer to take cuts on their allowances, to help me pay for the car repair. I feel guilty – it feels like taking 50 p coins from their gullak. I snap nastily and rave and rant.

6. Entire lot of us in a sulk, not talking to each other

7. DIL comes home and gets update from both the boys. I am not talking to anyone …..

8. She ends up screaming at all of us. Kid#2 for being a jackass, Kid #1 because he is married to her, me because I snapped. Feeling that she has done her duty towards the family, she sits down to watch cable.

9. Every one serves themselves dinner and rushes off to eat in their rooms

10. Meanwhile I still have a humungous car repair bill to pay, not to mention expense of getting another car insurance …

Sigh!!!! MOTHERHOOD IS NOT FOR WIMPS

Faith and Hope a 55er

 

He wiped chalk stained hands on the seat of his trousers while counselling the fresh young faces in front of him “FAITH IN THE DIVINE MAKES THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE”. At home his wife stared hopelessly at the empty gas cylinder.  Faith and hope lose out when they encounter penury and recession.

All about wanderlust

Ever noticed that one has cycles and mood swings always?  I mean yesterday was cloudy and it rained.  That was fun.  For us in this side of the globe, rain is

a) Never enough

b) Never unwelcome

c) Never bad weather

I can not identify with stuff I read about rain being dull and dreary.  WTF

We love rains, because rain for us means life!  Chai Pakora time!  I was thrilled.

The boys had gone out grocery shopping.  No you cant call child abuse or human rights.  Them stuff dont live in India.  Besides I think its good training for them.  My sons are house broke, they cook, wash clothes and grocery shop!  I am too cowardly to get them to wash the dishes.  I am scared that they would end up breaking them on my head!  Never mind, they can do this much and will make their wives happy, its enough. But I digress.

Yesterday I was happy and since the boys werent around, I made myself killer pakoras and had tea pakora for dinner!  I know I really push it!

Today is hot.  The sun is out and its hot and sticky.  I’ve got the blues.  I want out.  I am tired of parenting.  I am tired of wondering what to cook, how to balance the money with the needs, all I want is to take off.

I’ve done it earlier.  Just pushed off for a couple of days to recharge batteries.

My modus operandi is simple.

Check out the money in the bank.  See where I can go and park myself.  Only rule being that I dont know any one in that town.  Take off.

Come back chilled, destressed and ready to put nose on grindstone.  All I need is a room, TV, and of course enough vodka to pass out.  Simple wants arent they?

Wonder how other people unplug from the daily grind ………

The concept of reincarnation made simple

I love fantasy thrillers.  I believe, Nah! am totally convinced, that THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE to borrow a phrase from Fox Mulder.  So it made perfect sense to me to bring up the kids to have more than a passing knowledge of the parallel universe.

I kid you not!  My kids knew what caused the eclipses.

Rahu and Ketu caught up with Sun and Moon and swallowed them whole.

The schools were completely misguided!!! Stupid people they were, they tried to feed us bullhshit!

Thunderstorm meant that Shiva was dancing the tandava.

Varun had flatulence, hence the summer loo.  I know, but could not resist that one
:lol:

We discuss Isaac Asimov’s world and Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Darkover with the intensity people reserve for India Pakistan politics or the economic condition of U.S.

I am not joking.  We even trace the elliptical wobble of Darkover caused by its three moons and discuss why the sun is bloody coloured.  We have indepth knowledge of planets (when the kids were young, we spent hours on the roof in summer studying them with binoculars and comparing them with the zodiac signs).

DIL does not understand or try to ….. sigh!

We have great indepth knowledge about werewolves, vampires, animals that talk, e.s.p. , warlocks and witches ….. (I am one!)
:P

I did not know I was creating tradition or it was a heritage thing ……..

Last night I was watching THRILLER!  This is my tribute to M.J.  I watch his videos to destress now …. poor chap!

KID #1 : Again?!  Mom get a life!

ME : I have one, and right now it is M.J. centric

DIL : Ewww, why Thriller!  I hate those zombie thingys

All three of us shocked speechless at such blasphemy!!

KID #1 : She did not like Queen of the Damned!  She left the movie hall!

DIL :  I dont like X Men too!

Me :  Completely stunned and spluttering : #$%&$#!!!!!!!!!

They walk out arguing the merits of watching these movies and the last I hear is DIL complaining that adamantium claws are not aesthetic!

Kid#2 : Ma, do you believe in vampires?

Me : Yup!  I believe in werewolves and centaurs and unicorns and ….

Kid#2 : Yeah, I do too.  I believe all these creatures are mutants, poor chaps

Me : I believe in reincarnation too.  Only I can’t explain how the memories get stored and get into the next body.  My logic kinda fails me  …..

Kid #2 : Dammit Ma, you’re dumb.  Its so simple.  Memories in computers are stored in the hard disk right?

Me : Ya

Kid#2 : The soul or the central energy system of the body stores the memories.  When the new body comes, its a simple case of rebooting and bingo the memories are there.

Me : Pushing the concept further : Yeah, and if the memories do not get rebooted, the system is incompatible.  I get it.  Its a simple case of Windows and Mac right?

Kid#2 : Pleased that I got it : Yeah!

There you are folks! Reincarnation made simple by the Phoenix Folk!

My New Mantra “I Love My Job”

I LOVE MY JOB

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it.

However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

NOW ALL YOU GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE REPEAT AFTER ME

I LOVE MY JOB


I LOVE MY JOB


I LOVE MY JOB

Vote for me at Indiblogger

I have attained self realization

I am a corny mix

Of Maxine and Grandma

From Tweety bird comics

I do read serious stuff

I assure you I have a brain

But to be profoundly seri-o-usss

Goes against the grain

People I have got nominated

For the funny blogger category

This world is a grim place

All us nominees laugh and make merry

So vote for me, I am just a harmless comic

I don’t in any case make blunders economic

Or build my own statues to appear grand

I am funny and harmless, lend me a hand

Vote for me folks, the game has begun

Read all the entries, it will be fun

Link to nomination and voting page http://www.indiblogger.in/nominations.php?id=3

Hip and Happenin Oldies

I think I am a diehard traditionalist, set in my ways …. at least in some habits ……

I have memories of waking up to the sound of the cooker’s whistle drowning down the Vividh Bharati

Sounds of the song “Aaj Kal Tere Mere Pyaar Ke Charchey Har Zubaan Par”

K. L. Sehgal, Manna Dey, Kishore …………..

I loved Asha Bhonsle

Hated Lata Aunty’s voice, found it too shrill

See I was an opinionated brat and was proud of being one!

I have kept up the traditions ….

I exercise to music channels playing Aa chance par dance karley and the likes

Nothing like doing your stretches to music channels playing dhin chak Hindi music

I am quite a square

A whisky swigging trash talking zany woman, but a square nevertheless

I met a cousin yesterday and we decided to spend some quality time catching up

We stopped at a pub and had a few drinks and were discussing life in general and stuff like that

I hear a cellphone ring.  The ring tone was “Hey Saala” from Rang De Basanti

I looked around ….

Never thought it was my cousin, dammit he is old hanh!  I can clearly remember him turning his nose up at cellphones and telling me he would never allow his school going kids to keep them

He hated MP3 players and Ipods since kids turned into zombies after plugging on the earphones

He took that cellphone out of his pocket and dealt with the call

I gulped down my drink in an effort to control my jaw that nearly dropped on the floor

HEY SAALA!!!

Dudes, what’s with the world these days????

Me : Ummm Bhai, did the kids put that ring tone on your mobile?

Bhai : No I did, I like the song

Me : Downing a handful of moongphali chaat to control my suprise : You did?

Bhai : Proudly: Yeah I have an entire collection of them and change them often.  Your Bhabhi is boring, she only keeps Sharukh songs as ring tones.  I keep updating hers too.  My Ipod has a huge collection

Dammit, I dont know how to add music to my Ipod!!!

Just at that moment my phone rings a staid Tring Tring

Bhai : Oh this is boring.  Let me change your ring tone for you

Me : Hanging on to my cellphone and shreds of my dignity : No, I prefer a plain ringtone.

Dammit, I’ll remain a small townie and traditionalist.  I am taking a stand.  My phone will continue to have a plain and simplistic ring.

Mumtaz+Rajesh Khanna movie anyone?

My kid entered his twenties, HALP

Kid 2 has finished his 19 years on earth.  How does a Mom feel when her baby kid turns into a full fledged adult?

I’ll tell you, I feel old.  It is crazy, freakingly crazy.  I can announce with aplomb on the www when I turn 50 and not feel old.  The sight of my full grown kids, healthy skinned full of youth and joie de vivre makes me feel like a shrivelled up mango.

The fact is that I am old, my elder one is married to a woman whose bust doesnt go south even when she does not wear underwires, (I hate that!), and my younger one has just bid goodbye to his teens yesterday.

Now excuse me while I go and bang my head against the wall!

Even the oldest dog in my house is just two years old.

This home is youth centric and I am the old woman.  I cant borrow young from the kids any more, they’ve become adults.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KID #2

Kid 2 : Mom, how old are you

Me : (nose firmly in laptop’s monitor) Smile vaguely

Kid 2 : (Critically appraising me) You look old

Me : Hmm Yeah!  I am old, infirm and in my dotage

Kid 2 : Talk English, not Literature

Me: I am old and weak and need to be looked after.  Get me a glass of water

Kid 2: What do I get for my birthday?

Editor’s Note : How about a dose of manners and common sense?  One can kiss any gift goodbye when one is so tactless.  He sure has inherited my foot- in- mouthitis.

Yesterday we four went and dined, while I did my customary hyperventilating act at the bill.  It was frickin HUGE.  Humaarey zamaaney mein bills were decent!  The kids were blase and ignored the demented mother.

Today we have a party and (you guessed right) the home will be deluged with more young adults.

I need to find a bhajan mandali of 50 plusers to find my space.  But for that I need to learn what bhajan mandalis do.

I cant abide Kittys and kittens, so that is out for me.

Can someone give me a suggestion what a 50 plus woman can do to combat this onset of the elderly feeling due to her kids growing up?

If you have any, I am willing to listen ……

Meanwhile, I am stopping at the DVD shop and getting movies starring Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson and drooling over them this weekend to help combat this toxic feeling.