And I am a unique piece of work

As a kid I wanted to be a model when I grew up.  The brothers I grew up with rolled on the dirt floor, laughed their stupid guts out and promptly made me a crown of guava leaves with which they crowned me and called me AJOOBA …. which means “Unique” if you are kind, “Freak” if you are unkind.

They of course meant Freak!!!!! Humph!  Boys!!!!

I guess they were not too far off the mark.  Pretty astute for pre-teen and teen boys full of pimples and toilet humor.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DRUMROLL::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I have been awarded folks!

Iconoclast (or is it 1conoclast?) has presented me with this award

5 things Mom never told you about men

1. Men have feelings, they just dont know how to express them

Men are more sensitive than women, and they have no training whatsoever.  They don’t learn to read and manipulate feelings as early and as well as women do, so when they do feel things, their feelings tend to be more intense and less filtered by conditioning and the expectations of others. To make it all worse they have often been taught to pretend as if nothing is happening. So when you get into the “We need to talk,” thing, just dont t talk. Listen. Chances are he won’t be able to say it in the words you would, but you will be able to interpret it well

2. Men really really care about food

You know the old saying about how to please a man (Show up naked, bring food) is not too far off the mark. Sometimes, he would just love to have the food instead of the sexy babe.  When you are young, you can get away with not knowing how to cook …. but later on, it becomes an important skill in your “how to keep your man” repertoire.  If you dont know how to cook, keep a few good take-away places phone numbers on fast dial.

3. Men dont confuse love with sex

This is the stupid sort of thing women do.  If a man wants to have sex with you, it does not mean love or affection.  It means he has the itch for you, and men are capable of having that itch for women they simply cant stand also.  If a man can come to you when he is in trouble or depend on you, or look sheepishly and say “Babe I busted the credit card” or “Babe, I know you are mad at me but …….” he loves you.

4. Men can smell desperation

They have this primal instinct.  You never meet a good man when you want to, but when you are in a great relationship, or when you are in the “I hate all men” phase after a bad break-up, or if you are dressed in tatty T shirts and worn out jeans, you will meet a dream-boat.  Even if you are in a great relationship, it is wise to have an independant social life, hobbies and stuff going around.  That makes you hard-to-get and interesting.  He gets competitive for your attention

Men make bad pets

He is not a toy, and he is not Paris Hilton’s lap dog on display.  Men can not be trained or changed in any way.  Consider this, Paris Hilton’s dog wont scratch its crotch in public or hump her best friend’s leg.  If your man is unhappy, he can do that or more.  So, if you don’t actually like a man, don’t haul him all over town just to show him off. It won’t be long before that goes very, very badly for you.

Of kids and worms

When I was a kid, I thought the world owed me much, just because I got born in it.  This feeling had much to do with the fact that I was the only girl, and made much of by my grandparents, who I had conned into thinking that I was a saintly doll.   At the slightest hint of opposition water-works would start.  I kid you not, I had mastered the art of looking ever so pretty crying.  A slight pout, watering of the eye, a delicate and excellently timed sniffle, and dabbing the tear with a lacy kerchief.  Of course all opposition melted.

My parents were less impressed.  My father even went to the extent of complimenting me on MY ONLY FEMININE ACCOMPLISHMENT as he called it.  Humph.  He also gave me a book with this poem that he dedicated to his darling daughter, the drama queen.  Bloghopping today I found it on Sue’s blog, Thank you Sue

Nobody Loves Me

Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think I’ll go and eat worms.

Big fat squishy ones,
Little thin skinny ones,
See how they wriggle and squirm.

Bite their heads off.
“Schlurp!” they’re lovely,
Throw their tails away.

Nobody knows
How big I grows
on worms three times a day.

Lovely isn’t it?  It just describes the “much misunderstood poor me” act kids love to put on.  I used it liberally on my two kids who hate the poem.  They would throw such tantrums when their eggs would be runny, or they would have to drink their milk or even not be given two wheelers before they turned 18.  Oh I would not get mad, or stressed …. I’d just start reciting this poem

Nobody loves me

Every body hates me

I think I’ll eat some worms

Hey, I am lucky they grew up to be normal.  Otherwise they would have gone into therapy and billed the expense to me.

Then I would have been reciting this poem.

Republic Day

This is to celebrate the anniversary of the launching of our Indian constitution.

There isn’t much to celebrate

Dr. Rajendra Prasad, the first President of India said in a speech that this day must be dedicated to paying homage to the soldiers and freedom fighters who died in the struggle

This day must be dedicated to realising the dream of establishing a class-less, co-operative, free and happy society

This is a day of dedication, not celebration, dedication to the upliftment of the poor, the toilers, the thinkers, to make them fully free and happy members of the society

The Indian Constitution is the longest in the world, consisting of 397 articles and 12 schedules, providing single citizenship for the whole of India

I have not read it, and I have not met any other person who has.

59 years ago our leaders had a dream of a progressive, classless, free India.

Tommorow we will all gear up to celebrating the “memory” of the dream.  We will go through the moves …. the dream being lost in the pages and pages of the unread Constitution.

Already it is clear that the celebration will be muted. As if Mumbai attacks were not enough, the enemies of democracy are once again rearing their ugly head. News reports are telling of terrorists that were killed in Delhi ……………..

The entire circus of us pointing fingers at Pakistan and them denying will begin again.

The point is Pakistan can not control the Taliban – they have lost Swat Valley to the Taliban, and fundamentalism is taking over their country …..

We have the second largest Muslim population in the world.  This is very deadly for us and our way of life.  Our forefathers valued Equality, Justice and Liberty and made them the pillars on which our country stands.  It is for us to decide whether we will just let them get musty in the unread pages of our Constitution or shall we take a stand.

We must bring our alienated Indian Muslims into the mainstream, join hands with them and together we must fight so that fundamentalism does not take root into our country.  We must take a stand against Hindu fundamentalism and ensure that they dont hijack our Constitution.  I am glad the Sadhvi and her cohorts were convicted.  It was a telling message against Hindu fundamentalism.

I am glad these goons have been arrested, but why did the Mangaloreans allow this lunacy to flourish?  Is this not Hindu Talibanism?  Do they think that they are Rama and have the right to take Agni Pariksha of women?  They call themselves “Shri Rama Sena”.  Painful

59 years ……., and women can get beaten and terrorised because they did not fit into a pre-concieved idiotic repressive ideal in the minds of some perverted men ……

59 years and we are still not safe in our country

Over reaction and Storm in a Thimble

Take I kg of  Deewar – or any other Bhai-Bhai movie

Marinade it in masala (not desi) overnight

Add 250 gms of a lesser known Hindi movie Pranali – its about under age sex workers

Add 300 gms of class conflict from snooty upper class …. who are gareebon ke dushman – remember NamakHalal “I can talk inglis, I can walk inglis” Any Hindi movie fits the bill.

Cook it on slow fire

Add tadka of police interrogation from pot bellied cops … remember Ghayal?

Serve hot – with a garnish of Golden Globe

And you have a brand new tasty dish called Slum Dog Millionaire

My questions

Ismey kya naya hai?  Just the angrezi name Boyle and classy cinematography

Ismey kya burai hai?

Its a wonderful movie.  F&^k the guys trying to gain free publicity out of it

Total entertainment and paisa vasool

I downloaded it and watched – so dont look at me surprised.  The curiosity got to me

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

This has been edited to add the latest news

Mr Bacchhan says Oscars are not the ultimate recognition!!

Me thinks the gentleman doth protest too much.

Angoor khatte hain Sahib!

Like I said earlier “Really bad form old chap, grown men should not cry”

My boss thinks I am Google

My boss aka Mogambo sauntered into my cabin around lunch time, holding an invitation card.  I look up from my sandwich and stop surfing the net

Mogambo : Do you know where MG Road is?

Me : No, I dont

Mogambo : Irritated shrug : Kuch pata bhi hota hai?

Walks off.  I mutter “Thank you for ruining my lunch break” and continue surfing the net

He walks in 15 mins later

Mogambo : Had lunch? (This niceness is suspect, I think it is because he wants to be nice about screwing up my lunch – not that he spoiled it any way Humph!)

Me : Polite smile : Yes, tell me?

Mogambo : When is the Obama thing being televised?

Me : I dont know

Mogambo : Office aate hi kyon ho?  Do you even know what is happening in the office?

Me : Excuse Me??????  Is Obama joining our company?

Mogambo hastily exits my room!

I start searching Google for MG Road and Obama

I am supposed to be the General Manager Costing for Exports

Go figure!!!!!!

This is too ironical

Google is advertising L K Advani for PM on my blog!!!

It would be funny if I did not have my entire being in uproar over the fact. My children are finding my anger too funny.  But seriously guys I think the Google crawlers should have more sense.

I am secular, I am democratic and I believe that every one’s God is the same and He/She created all men and dogs equal.  Scratch that – dogs are higher beings and they have a heaven.  They dont discriminate against other dogs because of colour or shape of their ears.  We do. Also because they are capable of true and selfless love and faithfulness.

If you see L K Advani on my blog, I did not put him there.  My stupid adsense has.  Bad Google – not only does it give me a piddly $2 for a year’s blogging, it even makes me out to be a rabid Hindutva type.

Was not going to blog – but this ad made me do so.

I will vote for Obama, so eat your heart out Advani.

Remember that loser Naqvi?  I emailed that letter to the BJP office and got no reply – not even an acknowledgement.  I was inclined to ignore that thinking that maybe they are not net savvy.  Now I am offended.  They can advertise on blogs but cant reply to a citizen?

Any way

Jai Ho Obama kee

Baaki sab bakwas

Goodnight

Really bad form old chap!

Mr. Bacchhan does not like Slumdog Millionaire.  This is what he says on his blog :

‘Slumdog Millionaire’ projects India as Third World dirty underbelly developing nation and causes pain and disgust among nationalists and patriots, let it be known that a murky underbelly exists and thrives even in the most developed nations,” Amitabh said in a posting on his blog www.bigb.bigadda.com Wednesday from Paris, France.

“Its just that the ‘Slumdog Millioanire’ idea authored by an Indian and conceived and cinematically put together by a westerner, gets creative global recognition,” he added.

Aw c’mon Mr. Bacchhan, dont tell me your Coolie, Mard, Ajooba were really classy movies that portrayed “India Shining” or even “India Real”.  Oye Lucky was more real a movie than the above three.  And you did not criticise Omkara which showed grim rural India.  Now why did Slumdog upset you?

Is it the classic case of “We are like this only” for our movies for home viewers, but abroad we have to show a Karan Johar kind of social mileu?

Yes we have slums, we have beggars and prostitution, we have over-crowded trains and we have call centres.  Okay, so Boyle did not sanitise their portrayal.  He kept them stark and grim.  He even showed Taj through piles of stinking rubbish.

Instead of criticising the portrayal of the underbelly of India Shining, why doesnt Mr. Bacchhan with all the might of his brand and fame mobilise us Indians to clean up our act?

I read about a year ago on MyLot that AB was in talks with Boyle for the game host’s role but nothing worked out.

Really bad form, old chap!  Grown men should not cry.

Buying toys for little kids

It is really difficult to buy toys for children when yours have grown up totally …. this is what I thought.  This Lohri one of my cousins came over.  It was our first Lohri in our own home and all that, and he was in India this time.  I met him after thirteen whole years.  The last I saw him was on his wedding, after which he left for foreign lands.  OMG, it was wonderful.  He has five kids, one set of twin daughters aged eleven, one eight year old son, and a set of mixed twins, a boy and a girl aged three.

Naturally I wanted to spoil the entire lot of kids.  Naturally he did not want me too.  Sigh!  Naturally we had a big argument with me telling him that he was being a male chauvanistic whatever and denying me my divine right to spoil any child in the family.  His wife is one helluva smart lady.  She saw this battle happening and quietly withdrew to play with her little twins.  My kids know that they are not supposed to interfere.  That does not stop them from bringing out a bowl of popcorn and enjoying the show.  His elder kids watched fascinatedly.  I dont think they have even seen Punjabis loudly and boisterously enjoying a lovely argument.  That does not happen in foreign lands I guess.

The girls watched for a while, and then one of them came up to me and said

Don’t get upset.  You want to buy us toys, I’ll show you where to get them

And she took me to my laptop, totally ignoring her father’s disapproving glare.  Girls are smart I must say! Hehehee

She took me to this wonderful online store

This way the kids got to chose what they wanted

One little lady wanted a Magic Set.  She thinks she is Hermoine Granger.  Her twin wanted a Hula Hoop.  Its a big myth that twins think alike even if they look alike.

The little boy wanted a robot.  How typical.  I think girls are more original in their choices.

I bought a stuffed toy and building blocks for the little ones.

The beauty of it all was that I could get the children totally involved in the buying process, they got the stuff they wanted and it could be delivered to their own home.  They would not have to discard them or have to cart them back to their own country.

This is one gift they will surely remember for a long time.  The more I learn about the net, the more I am awestruck by it.

Happy Lohri!!!

Ever wonder what that Lohri song was all about?  You know the one that goes Sundri Mundri Hoye!  I never knew so I went to Googleji.  Here is the fruit of my research ….

The Legend of Dullah Bhatti
On the eve of Lohri the most popular songs sung by groups of boys invariably end with the exclamation ‘ho’:
Sundri Mundri Hei! Hoi!
Tera Kaun Bechara! Hoi!
Dullah Bhatti wala! Hoi!
Dullah Di Dhi viyahi ! Hoi !
Sher ShaKar pai! Hoi!
Kuri de Mamme aaye! Hoi!
UnaNe ChuRi Kuti! Hoi!
Jimidari Lutti! Hoi!
Ik kola GhuT Gaya!
Jimidar Apni……

Since Lohri is also associated with weddings, many Lohri songs are based on the old love story of Dulla Bhatti. This is the tale of a man who rescued a girl from her cruel abductors and adopted her. Finally he arranged for her marriage, as if she were his own daughter. These songs exhort the youth to protect the honor of their sisters and daughters, and punish those who try to dishonor them. Everywhere in Punjab ‘Vars’ (songs) of his heroism and valor are sung and recited.

Amazing ….. here I thought this was an extortion song whereby I used to get a lot of 25p bits from people in the colony which of course went into the noble cause of buying Orange Bars from the friendly neighborhood Ice cream van

Well – one lives and learns.

HAPPY LOHRI EVERYONE

Next Page →