Monthly Archives: August 2008

Award Shaward

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Yayy, I am considered brilliant even though I write corny posts about my little son applauding me in a restaurant for my impeccable toilet manners.

Thank you Itchy

Now being unused to the Oscar kinda thing, I do not have a long list of people who I can thank for making this award possible, but will honour this award by following the rules which are

  1. When you recieve the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
  2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
  3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’
  4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
  5. I pass the candy forward to :

Krupa

Twisted DNA

Rajat

Sue

Aakriti

Nandu

Tikuli

Quirky Indian

I have seen pics of Itchy’s lovely twin boys but not hers. More importantly have sensed her mind – and it is very attractive. So guys please read her blog too

I am single ….. Why?!

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This is in response to a whole lot of people who want “frandsip” with me on Orkut and also the innumerable times I have had to field questions like “How do you manage ….?, don’t you feel ummmm lonely?”

Yes I want frandsip from all of you perverts who think that I have joined Orkut to indulge in cyber sex or meet at HIV laden places for an orgy.

And yes I can not manage without having your lechy hands all over my middle aged body and helping you get it off in a binge of uprotected sex.

Seriously people get a life.

Okay okay, rant over.

When I was 16, I had wavy hair which I hated, a figure which was very curvy and a face that would give a lot of Bollywood sirens a run for their money (the last is stretching the truth a bit, but what the hell heh.) In my eyes I was hot!!! I had a whole lot of admirers that made me think I was irresistible. Romance meant something those days. Romance meant that the boy would play the guitar and serenade me with Neil Diamond songs, we would share an ice-cream, may be try a little French kissing and a bit of the boob graze. Today romance means someone taking out the garbage, getting me maida even though its raining and helping me fold the laundry, and most importantly managing the accounts. I suck big time at budgeting. That was then and this is now ….., but I digress. Younger kids would be enlisted to deliver notes from admirers to me, and replies were inked into the notes that were returned (after great giggly consultations with other girls). Now that was romance.

Now one gets sleazy frandsip requests on Orkut or wierdos on the chat. Yuch! Where has all the romance gone? Now excuse me while I go to my spam box and delete all the mail that assures me that I can buy Viagra to spice up my love life or get help to enlarge certain non-existing body parts.

To go …. alone!

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I’ve written a whole lot about Kid#1 and his little wife my DIL but have relatively kept Kid#2 out of blogosphere uptil now. There was a reason for that – he is sneaky and gets everywhere. I mean e v e r y w h e r e.  I can not feel safe and I am sure he will “stumble upon” my blog or may be he has.

As parents to growing up children you can sympathise with me on this one. Every one knows that once kids are born, ME time goes. Kid#1 cottoned on very early to the fact that when Mom went to the loo, one did not barge in, unless one wanted to be confronted by a raging demented female desperately trying to hold on to her bladder and the tatters of her privacy and dignity. Kid#2 refused to understand that simple fact. Even when I made this poster and hung it on the door of the loo

Toilet… the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its life time mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before………… ALONE!!!!

Yeah I tried. It was a long long time before it worked. Finally he decided that he had had his fun out of baiting me and he gave up. Sigh!! The loo thingy is back again with different faces. I wake up in the morning and have to go, and it’s a parade. The dogs somehow realize that I am going to go and race in before I get to the throne, and are eagerly waiting for me to sit. I don’t get it. Why? What do boys and dogs get out of seeing their mother in the bathroom?

When I was toilet training Kid#2, I would applaud when he would get it right – he had gone potty on the potty. Yayyyyy. It backfired pretty badly on me. There was a KFC for a short while in New Friends Colony. I went there once and never again, because my Kid#2 applauded me for going su on the potty. It was early – about 11.30 in the morning and there was hardly any customer, so the place was quiet and that high pitched voice of my infant OMG! Needless to say the staff was in splits! Put me off Kentucky Fried Chicken forever.

I think I will have to be about 70 before I get my “Me” time in the loo. May be – or may be there will be a nurse with a bed pan applauding me for going su on the bed pan!!! Gaah!!

Who says I’m old ??? I still rock !

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Let me get the apologies and disclaimers in place at first since I value my friends and relatives very much …. and I value my neck and life even more … :)

1

I love you guys a lot and can not imagine life without you. You have kicked me in the butt when I have been wrong, cheered for me when I did something wonderful, cried with me when I was faced with tragic losses and then helped me back on my feet. You have even forgiven me for my horrible sense of humor. I hope you forgive me now. I love ya all guys, am on my knees pleading … please – - -

2

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I am normally a very self contained person – my kids and dogs are my world. I rarely socialize apart from the few women friends. Distance and busy lifestyles have made it impossible to meet people for months at a stretch. I have kept in touch with a lot of my pals thanks to chat windows but that is all. Recently I met my old college mates (after “gasp” 20 years). We had a old students meet with spouses in tow, with the stipulation that no one below the age of 40 was invited – and it was rocking. ;)

Apart from the shock one gets when one meets people after a long time and thinking “Oh boy – they look old, and that means that they also think I look old” I had a fun time.

First of all, there seems to be a trend – there are a whole lot of women who are single and not ready to mingle. This certainly means that women have got comfortable about being alone – great. There was a time in the party when we were only women dancing, the men cheered from the sides – a far cry from the guys only dance floors of yesteryears. We rocked!!!

People don’t change you know. A man who is healthy, single and secure will hit at women, even though the lady who is the subject of his attentions will be trying her best to ignore him. This happens at any age – whether the man is 22 or 55 years old. Quite a blast from the past, heh

At a certain point in the party, if you are male, you will gravitate towards the bar or “panghat” where along with other males you will attempt to drown yourself in alcohol while checking on the cleavages and other assets of women attending the party. It is a pan-Indian phenomena.

The above holds true unless your spouse/lady friend/sister admires a certain man. Then you will engage the said male in a drinking contest. The last man standing wins.

The above two hold true unless the said other male (wise man) starts oozing paternal vibes towards each and every woman. Then you will get confused and quietly nurse your drink.

Poor spouses of some of the gals/guys – who attend but dont mingle, why? Perhaps they attended to assure themselves that we were respectable people and this was a respectable do. I could see them apply themselves to their food and alcohol with total concentration while playing the role of guardian. For heavens sake, chill, people, if we had to do something, we would have done it much much earlier at a less public place. Public seduction is difficult to carry out.

Of course, self centred me – once I spotted my best female friends, there was much hugging and squealing and giggling – I got oblivious of all the rest of the people. Someone reprimanded us and then we behaved and circulated.

I have a bad taste in men. I either go for rogues or the strong silent sort. Spotted both those types – but could not make inroads. I swear, did not even manage phone numbers and hi hellos.  Sigh!!! Another wasted opportunity.

Went home happy – the food was good, the drinks were excellent, and so what if we are 40 plussers, we can still dance, sing and party

 

Letter to my 18 year old self

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I was reading an issue of Marie Claire where they had held a contest of people writing to their 18 year old former selves – the winning letters were very interesting – so I stole the idea .. mainly because the eighteen year old me was such a dumbass and I’d love to kick her in the butt

Dear 18 year old Ritu

I know you think you are the cats’ whiskers because you top every exam you take and are really pretty to look at, but remember that you can get straight As and still flunk life – don’t you shrug and roll eyes at me, young lady!!!

Oh that husband of yours, he’s bad news. I know you fought with every one to marry him and have your baby, but when you are 30 with two sons, you’ll have had enough and kicked him out of your life. Do I hear you weeping? Good, I love putting you down a peg or two … smirk!!!

Don’t invest 18 whole years in a bad relationship, don’t listen to Mom – a broken marriage is not the end of the world and why should you pay such a high price for a mistake you made at 17? Actually what the hell … do it exactly the way you do it because that marriage gives you two beautiful sons whom you will absolutely adore and a whole lot of courage that you did not know you had.

You are such an idiot but I love you. You better work on your self confidence because you/we are going to need it big time in life. You do have great social skills okay, because you like people.

By the way, I am so glad that you did not drop out of college and stuck on. At least we have a career.

Oh don’t try to grow your hair long please …. It doesn’t suit you. Cut it short and save us years of embarrassing photos. And please eliminate all the pastel colours from your wardrobe – they make you look yellow!!

Exercise – please exercise so that you don’t have a weight problem in future. I know you wont listen to me but I just thought of putting it here …..

Other than that … keep doing what you are doing, you’re a good person and I love ya, you big dumbass!!

Your wiser, stronger and so much older 46 year old self

I tag any one who would like to take a trip down memory lane to visit their 18 year old selves

As Shakespeare said .. What’s in a name?

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I do not do kitty parties – they are so fake and catty. I have bad memories from the ones I was dragged into by my mother. At any given time, she was a member of at least about 6 or 7 of them and she enthusiastically attended all of them and dragged me to quite a few Gaaaah!. Thankfully now ladies have stopped trying to get me to participate in them as they have concluded that (a) I am a snob (b) I am socially inept (c) I will attend, smile vaguely, have a glass of water and disappear as soon as I can. My own opinion (purely personal) is that kitty parties are for cats.

A very young person who is a chat friend of mine discovered this much to her heart ache. This person was married about 5 years ago and has elected to keep her maiden name. I think that it is purely her own choice, and if her family is okay with it, it is all right. There is no legal requirement that a woman has to forfeit her identity just because she has got married. We have been living in a male dominated society since centuries and girls were married so young. They did not have time to forge an identity for themselves. So overnight, a woman went from being Miss so and so, the darling daughter to Mrs. Husband. Since they had not been working, opened bank accounts, got pan cards etc, it was okay and besides the dear husband got a kick out of it. Come to think of it, in certain communities, they even change the first name of the bride. Talk about sacrificing your entire identity. I think it is very inconvenient in this day and age. My DIL has kept her maiden surname as a middle name and many young women do that now a days.

Well this young lady went to her neighbourhood kitty party where her husband’s female relatives had probably aired their discontent about her “not integrating into the family” since she had not changed her surname, and the ladies had a ball being bitchy about this. Why is it that women are women’s worst enemies? When I called it quit with ex, for a whole lot of sordid reasons – I refused to use his surname either. My mother opposed me vehemently on this as she did in each and every thing I did and refused to let me revert to my maiden name. Kittys and Cats yeah!!! Well, I am her daughter you see and I refused to back down, and legally changed my last name and my sons’ last name to the first name of my father. She could not do much about that. This Round  to Me yeah !!!

I gave the young lady this link . I wish she feels braver and not so oppressed when she learns that she is not alone in this.

Wearing a saree

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Inspired by an ad on TV of guys teleconferencing about wearing a necktie

Six yards of fabric spread on the ground

Six yards of fabric to wrap me around

I pick up one end to see Mom frown

Ahh it has the fall, so it should go down

-

I hitch the other end around my waist

And turn myself once in quite a haste

I trip on my high heels, fall on the ground

Six yards of fabric to wrap me around

-

This time I manage to hitch one turn

I’ll fold in the pleats, I’ve got to learn

Mom does it daily, so don’t put me down

Six yards of fabric to wrap me around

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I take up a safety-pin to secure the pleats

I jab it into my stomach, it makes me weep

I’d rather wear jeans, sarees I renounce

Six yards of fabric to wrap me around

 

Growing up in the seventies

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I’ve taken up Itchy’s tag and am taking a totally self indulgent trip down memory lane. The seventies were a special decade in terms of world events and things happening in India …. but there are way too many things, so I cant keep it down to just 7 things …

1 The outer world : War in Bangladesh … can clearly remember the blackouts and the sirens; The nuclear blast at Pokhran – we felt so proud and powerful!! The assasination of Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and the frantic pleas that preceeded that ghastly event, I can also remember our school taking us to another school to watch the “Man Landing on the Moon” film clip and showing us a glass jar in which moon-dust was displayed … I was such a small kid then. The assasination of Mujibur Rehman, the first President of Bangladesh …. so many memories

2. Music & Movies : Beatles of course …. and more Beatles with a bit of Don Mclean and Neil Diamond thrown in. If you really wanted to impress people that you were hip, then you listened to Leonard Cohen. By the late seventies we got introduced to Simon-Garfunkel, Clapton, Jethro Tull and Pink Floyd and the likes – and have still got the taste for that. Kishore Kumar and Lata Mangeshkar were the music in those times, Rajesh Khanna was on the wane and Amitabh Bacchan was on the rise …, Mumtaz and Sharmila Tagore were okay … but Praveen Babi and Zeenat Aman were the babes. Could not watch a lot of English movies – I was allowed to go watch them only with my brother – and only got to see the Trinity movies or Westerns sigh!!!

3. Inner Life We were bullshitters par excellence in those days and pondered a lot on the meaning of life. “Get out of the rat race, expand your conciousness and tune in to the universe” was the mantra. The world was full of young people seeking alternatives to simple material gain … and a lot of those alternatives being marijuana and hash !!! It was really the time of rebellion and rejection of establishment and money was such a dirty word heh! Ahhh never mind, the parents insisted that we get a good education and a whole lot of us are gainfully employed and responsible citizens now. The hippie in me really surfaces when I listen to this song “While my guitar gently weeps”

4. Clothes Outasize kurtas clinched on the waist with huge belts, jeans, kohlapuri chappals and a jhola was the uniform of the era, shoulder length hair that was combed under pressure of elders and then carefully mussed up, preferably under a fan to achieve the proper look!! Lipstick was not acceptable … and if used, it had to be brown.

5. Phoren meant phoren …. there it was – perfumes, creams, shimmery fabrics, good chocolates and even chicklets were impossible to get for any amount of money, which made the clear social distinction between the phoren-returned and other desis. Those that had gone abroad or had close relatives coming in from abroad looked down upon the others …..

6. T.V. While we were doing our thing and rebelling, the world around us kept taking quiet conventional revolutions. That is until TV became a big thing – from the yesteryears 3 hours in the evening and Krishi Darshan types, more entertainment was telecast like HUM LOG and then gasp Lalitaji hit the TV screen without any warning … I wonder if any one remembers her and the hugely popular serial Rajni? I was fascinated – being the hippie no longer held any appeal – I wanted to be Rajni or Lalitaji taking the world by its collar and demanding that I be given quality service.

That marked for me the end of youth and the beginning of adult life ……..

I Gallop Yee Haw!!!

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I went to the mall yesterday … something that I rarely do – what with two college going children and pockets to let. Yeah I avoid it since I suffer from the “Me wants everything” syndrome. There was a huge amount of people in the lobby trying out massage chairs and other stuff from Osim. I have a foot massager from this company so I hung around checking out the products and I saw the iGallop priced at a whopping Rs.35,000/-. The brochure says this

Tone, Shape, Fun

  • Get toned
    Regular sessions on the iGallop will tone up your abdominal, back and thigh region.
  • Correct your posture
    Good posture is essential in preventing back aches and strain. It also makes you look tall and confident.
  • Lose weight
    The continuous exercise burns energy and helps you burn away unwanted flabs.
  • Build strength
    Strong muscles also improve your metabolism rate, increasing the burning rate of stored fats.

It also uses scantily clad ladies to sell this. The sales guy latched on to me and assured me that I could get this on instalments. Hmm, nice though I would only shell out if it came bundled with The Rock aka Scorpion King and a country western bar. I saw some kids riding on it – they were having fun, though it threw one of them off when the other pushed the speed to a higher level.  Nice!!  Now all they need is to add some options or frills – like the surface around the unit. People could choose between air mattress or rubber mat (and for the more adventurous ones…mud, jello, whip cream, and foam) – geedy up horsey!

No, I did not try to ride it …. was tempted but it was the lobby of a mall for godsake!!!

or the more sexy one

Sibling Rivalry Part 2

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Parenthood sucks …. it is a big swindle and when I signed up, I did not get to read the small print. Remember the thrill one got when the infant in the tummy kicked? Well, that was the beginning, these sweet little people come into your world, make you fall totally in love with them and then, wham!!! They kick serious ass. Of course they have a lot of practise … they’ve been feuding against each other all their bloomin lives. We parents dont stand a chance … we got married and drifted away from our siblings and the war zone … we are flabby, out of shape and out of practise. Then they want us to be judge and hand out punishments to them. When they grow up – they complain that you were partial to the other sibling. Idiots – all I ever did was to ensure that you did not kill each other while in my care!!!

When I was a kid, fights with my brother were constant. We kicked, we teased, we shoved, we called each other names, and we rolled over and over on the ground punching each other as hard as we could. It is a wonder that we did not kill each other. Many of our fights started in our backyard. In my excitement to win, my yelling grew so loud that the whole neighborhood knew we were slugging it out. My mother wanted me to be a lady – poor thing, and she was so embarassed.

When Kid #2 arrived, Kid#1 was ecstatic. He wanted a puppy … but Kid#2 would do. He was the loving, doting elder brother, but could be a bully. Kid#2 knew instinctively that he could not match in size or strength so he became sly and whiney. One day, (when they were 9 and 1 years old respectively) Kid#1 came back from his Tae Kwon Do practise totally exhausted and passed out on the couch. Kid#2 crawled up to him and started punching him and trying to pull his hair, all the while gurgling and laughing away. He was in infant heaven. Yeah baby…. revenge is sweet
:)

Ex left when Kid#2 was two years old. Kid#1 elected himself to be the Daddy figure and Kid#2′s total attitude was “WTF, he ain’t my Daddy and I am not going to listen to him” which led to total bloodshed. I never understood what the entire freak-out was about until recently when I saw similar dramas taking place between our two dogs. By the way the similarities between doggie sibling rivalries and young boy sibling rivalries can really be striking. I guess it stands to reason because we all, humans and dogs alike, want the same things—attention, praise, affection, tasty food … and we all get a little out of sorts when we don’t get those things or when we feel someone else is getting more than their fair share.

Kid#1 tried to pursuade me to drop Kid#2 on the floor when he was 10 days old – just to see what would happen. For one whole year, anything that broke in the house was because “Baby did it” even though junior could not walk. Calling each other useless,loser and a waste of space was kind of normal for them, and polite. The thing is that I got to be the good guy … until now. Now they gang up against me, and I dont even have any one to deflect the punches

Kid#2 : (Watching me play Spider Solitaire) Mom, you’re pretty good at this arent you?

Kid#1 : Yeah, she has all the time in the world at office – you know to look pretty and play Spider Solitaire, so plenty of practise

Kid#2 : (In pretend impressed tone) Nah, don’t you know our Mom is a blogger too

Kid#1 : What do you call it – working hard or hardly working?

Yeah whatever … why dont you guys go try to kill each other … and lemme play or blog?