Monthly Archives: March 2008

Taxes

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That time of the year has come much too soon

All around are worried frowns, doom and gloom

The taxmen thinks its funny

To take all our money

They rub their hands happily and grin

And say the fun’s about to begin

Tax is the system

Tax on our income

Tax on every one’s property

And each and every utility

Tax on our liquor

Is such a kicker

Tax when we are born

Tax when we are gone

Tax on our pills

Makes us so ill

Tax on our cars

Cant take us far

Tax on our wheat

Tax on our meat

And when we work hard to pay all that

The just laugh and impose on us more tax

With March 31st looming in the horizon, and two kids in college ….. this is all I could come up with :)

Empty Nest Syndrome

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“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

Empty Nest hit me when I was not looking. It socked me in the heart and I am still hurting. First change happened when Kid #1 fell in love and got married. I was over the moon. Sure they were a bit young, but having a daughter in the house was something I so looked forward to. Boys are great, but then girls are better. Having someone to talk to me about make-up, fashion and even the colour of the curtains is great. I was so enamoured by the novelty of having a girl in the house, that I did not realize that my boy had changed. Then Kid #1 enrolled into Flight School in Philippines. It never occurred to me that this was the big change. He went as my darling boy, came back a young man. Even his marriage had not changed my perception of him as “My Baby”. Kids are lovely once they are toilet trained and dont need a 2 am bottle, and then they become adolescent horrors with harmonal overdrives that drive you crazy. Just when you start enjoying your kids as adults, who are absolutely fun to hang out with, they go away. I dont mean as physically away, but mentally and emotionally they sure do. I think most of the letting go has to happen while you are re-negotiating your relationship with your kid. He is twenty three years old, I really need to stop being Mother Hen. Picture this scenario …….. He opens the fridge and stares at it blankly, I rush in full of maternal need to feed him a hot meal and cluck around him. He gives me “the look”. I retreat in total confusion.

I know this is absolutely a small thing. The fact is that I leave home early in the morning and reach home around 7 p.m. I have done this since he was eight years old. He knows how to heat up a meal, and at 23 years of age, he knows how to operate the microwave for godssake!!!! Of late, the “roll eyes” and “the look” have become quite common. Phew!!! Here I thought I was a laid back Mom with zillions of other things to do in life. All right kiddo, I am getting the message “Mom, Leave me alone!” :)

Kid No. 2 has got out of school this year, and is busy preparing for entrances. He will push off to college within a couple of months. Hopefully, I will be better prepared for the changes it brings in the boys.

One thing is for certain, the house will be clean, no loud music, food bills will be down, and so will the utility bills. I will be able to watch hindi music channels on t.v., and go to bed at a decent hour. I am sure, I’ll enjoy doing all the things I want to do in life … read, write, travel (once Kid#1 gets his pilot’s licence and Kid #2 gets through college), I just got to hang in there with a smile even though poor me is lost, confused and bewildered.

Siblings

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Let me just put here, as a safety measure this statement ……….. I believe it was Mark Twain who said “All generalizations are false including this one”. Of course I do not think my kids will ever read this.

Kids born to the same set of parents and being brought up in the same environment tend to be so different. It is something that gave me (an over anxious single parent) lots of anxious moments and made me feel like I was the suckiest mother ever!!! Then I started looking at other kids. Here are certain gems of wisdom – that one can learn from or discard. Feel free to do either …..

Kid No. 1 : Like the first meal you cook, absolutely memorable, perhaps the most difficult and most probably inedible. I am a first born. I think my parents should have put me on a train with a one way ticket to a land far far away !!!!! New parents get on to the job with more enthusiasm than necessary, I know of a mother who even disinfected the furniture in her child’s room. She must have been a first born too :) Every moment of #1′s life has been photographed, his/her world is dominated by parents hovering, agonising over every move, being over-protective and over disciplining or under disciplining the child. No wonder they tend to be most neurotic, most cautious, most succesful and most pleasing to the adults.

Kid No. 2 : By this time the parents have kind of got tired of the novelty of being parents. They tend to be more easy so they dont feature big in this kid’s world. The world of Kid No. 2 is dominated by this other being who is bigger, stronger, has all the toys, all the attention and privileges and hence must be brought down a peg or two. No. 2 is independent, manipulative, impulsive, rather indifferent to parents and other grown ups. No. 1 is passively aggressive. No. 2 is not!!!! Every thing (specially the favorite toys of No. 1) is MINE. If challenged, the water works start!!! Not easy for Kid No. 1, first being displaced from the throne of being the only baby of the family, and then having to give away your treasured possessions.

Kid No. 3 : This one is seen infrequently, what with the cost of living being so high. I encountered Kid No. 3 in close quarters in my daughter in law. Kid No. 3 is a charmer. This child’s universe is full of excitement and love from a family that’s survived the learning curve. They are bubbling with excitement, amazingly grounded (by product of being constantly bullied by siblings may be) and unique individuals. They have lot of individuality and do not conform to any stereotype. What is noticeable is their sense of balance and the ability to take everything in their stride.

I have not experienced larger families than 3 kids so I dont know much about kid nos. 4, 5, 6 and beyond. Big families are common in farming communities and labourers have large families, as each child adds to their income. I think big famillies must be fun to grow up in, though hell on the pocket of the parent. The kids must be very well adjusted.

And hey kids, if you ever read this …… specially my #1, i was joking okay :)

Of Embroidery and MA

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Once in a while I miss my childhood …… essentially that presupposes that I have grown up. Well, once in a while I guess I have. What I have got nostalgic for is the afternoon sessions when I was finishing my home work on the living room floor, under the eagle eye of my mother, who would be knitting endlessly. The various Punjabi auntyjees would drop in for a casual round of gup-shup. All of them would be fully loaded with needlework, knitting, mending. They would settle down for chai, samosas, bread pakoras and gossip. I guess I miss those auntyjees – loud, boisterous and interfering. I really must get my head examined :) evil grin. They were overweight, dressed in colourful salwar suits and had the most wonderful laughs …… you have to hear a punjaban laugh to understand what I mean – the laugh starts somewhere in the paunch … oops sorry … belly and works its way up to the throat – loud, full throated and earthy. No one who hears it can remain straight faced.

After a suitable interval in which tea would served and the various embroideries and knittings admired, they would settle down to the real agenda of the meeting i.e. gossip. Everything under the sun was discussed. At times when something particularly juicy was to be discussed, my mother would turn to me and say …. Go get a glass of water, or go check what your brother is doing. Of course I would get up and walk out, hang around behind the door and eavesdrop!!! I learnt a lot about life in the small community we lived that way. There certainly was a lot happening ….. and lots of it was juicy.

Then came the ritual I hated the most. My embroidery or art work was brought out to be admired. I hated embroidery with a passion, and I can draw, but only cartoons. But cooking, sewing and crochet were mandatory for girls born in my generation. We had to spend dreary hours crouched over stuff we had to cross-stitch, tapestries we had to make all for our trousseau. It ranked a close second to getting good marks in school. Good Punjabi girls had to know phulkaari, crochet, make good paranthas and get good grades. Phew, no wonder most of us are cranky!!!!!

I escaped this when got into college. My world changed, but my roots definitely did not. When I decided I wanted to do M.A., and told my mother …….. One of the auntyjees looked at me totally confused and asked

Nee kee karna chahndi hai too (What do you want to do?)

Jee M.A. karna hai mainu (I want to do M.A.)

Kyun, roti zyada gol villegi pher (Why, will your roti be rounder then?)

Oh wow!!!! That left me speechless.

Endearments and food

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This is the time of political correctness. Words are supposed to be used with great caution. For a person coming from Punjab the concept is totally alien. Just consider this – Fat is uncool and we have Punjabi endearments like Gur vakkan mithi, and my all time favorite Sohneyo, Makhan de doneyo. One of my uncles was a typical Punjabi and would always call me his rabri malai!!! What calorific love!!! It got me thinking, do all regional languages have such terms? I don’t know. What I do know is that in America in the south terms like sugar, honey bun, sweet cake etc are used, much to the disgust of the rest of America which is bland and politically correct.

I remember squirming when my Uncle called me rabri malai and protesting – Chachu either you’ll give me diabetes or make me a fat auntyji. But a few endearments thrown in express love, and also make this world a pleasanter place. Of course the other form of endearments like Harbhajan’s “Teri Maa Ki” also add colour to the world and become subject for hot discussion in the front pages of leading dailies :) . I am not getting into that here. It has been discussed threadbare in other blogs!!!!

I had gone recently to visit some people who are very propah and upper-crust. Now I am very uncomfortable around the “cultured” sort of people as I am quite the opposite. An hour spent in such rarified atmosphere is a bit too much thank you. Over a cup of tea with a twist of lemon, the lady was complaining about the rustic terms used by the common people. It is not acceptable or politically correct – she said. I wonder ….. is political correctness another word for intolerance? The world is growing smaller … and then there is the internet which connects us to people of various cultures. A few “honeys” and “sweetness” thrown in will definitely make the going smoother and sweeter……. and may be chubbier :)

Friends, Chocolate, Good food and Wine

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Sounds like a recipe for a Saturday night party. In my opinion, it is the recipe for a perfect life. The thing I like best is being a Mom. The blind adoration in a child’s face more than pays for all the labour pains, sleepless nights and diaper duty. Of course now that my sons are grown up, they find me slow, outdated and can see a million faults in me which they point out mercilessly. Still they are my best company, when they do take time out from slaying the million dragons they have to slay and spend some time with me. But in this day and age young men of 18 years and above have to go out, slay dragons and secure their own kingdoms. Moms don’t feature in their “must do” lists.

A close second is friendship. I was painfully shy and a bookish introvert when I came to the university from a small town where everyone knew everyone. Until then, I had never realized how much effort it took to make friends, and keep them. I made a few friends, but then life happened. One got married and we never heard from her again. Another went abroad for further studies. Yet another is a person I have unspoken miscommunication with. Don’t ask me what that means. We just don’t speak the same language (verbal or non verbal!!!) That left two of us. She moved to another town, but we kept in touch. Twenty years later, with so much water under the bridge, we still call each other. I would love it if she became net savvy – she does not know how to work a computer. Thank goodness for telephones, we call each other regularly. When I feel weak, I call her for courage. She helps me toward that place where I can laugh about my life and struggles. She, bless her soul, thinks I am very strong and very very practical. I’m not very strong in myself, but I become stronger through friends like her.

When my marriage was breaking up, she literally was with me every step of the way, on the other end of the line. When she had bad times, I was with her. It never mattered that she lives far away. The physical distance was unimportant, the phone was there. It is truly a friendship to cherish.

Over the years, I have made other girl friends. Life with them is like slowly eating a bar of chocolate. It is a rich smooth experience. Okay, I’ll admit, I am a full blown chocoholic. Very few things in life are as good as chocolate. Motherhood and Friendship both are as satisfying as chocolate. Did you know that researchers and scientists have suggested that chocolate contains compounds that can help maintain a healthy heart, good circulation, and reduce blood clotting? Another research has found that women with friends were less likely to develop physical impairments as they aged.

I enjoy being a Mom, a career woman, cooking for my family, and my various hobbies. But I need friend time too. It is important. We women get together and talk about botox, face packs, the latest diet or even serious earth shaking stuff like Abhishek–Aishwarya’s marriage. We talk up a storm, children, finances, relationships, best deals, sales, whatever. I come back from these sessions with a ‘feel good’ emotion, happily planning another session. Just like a piece of chocolate – it leads to another!!!!

One might wonder what good food and wine have to do with all that I have written. They are also very important in life :)

Marriage – the holy grail ???

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Thoughts on Womens Day

Marriage is still held to be the Holy Grail in a sub-continental woman’s life. All else is merely insignificant rites of passage. And closely following marriage is motherhood. More so when you consider how marriages happen today. One just has to leaf through matrimonial columns of newspapers to know that the fair, slim, convent educated virgin bride is highly prized and perhaps will be easier on the pocket of her parent. A dusky complexioned girl will force her poor dad to shell out a huge sum. I skim through these and look around me, so many educated girls working and earning respectable salaries. When the search for a groom begins, their fathers too shell out. And in most cases, these girls meekly tow the line.

On Women’s Day, I got many emails all extolling women as daughters, sisters, wives, mothers etc. But really, have we been valued for ourselves? For being the persons that we are. We are still stuck in the feudal mindset. We ourselves see ourselves as somebody’s wife, daughter, mother etc etc. Oh sure, education and financial independence has encouraged us to dream big – but they do not ensure that those dreams get fulfilled. From the time of Sita to our time, have our reality changed. We, the women in the Indian subcontinent still hanker for the social security and the acceptance that comes with the mangal sutra, and the status of being mother to a son.

As long as we are raised to feel handicapped, like lesser human beings just because we are born women, our situation will not change. Only when we are comfortable with ourselves and are able to live on our terms in a society that respects womanhood will we truly be free. Empowerment comes with true freedom. Perhaps then women will be able to live without being liabilities to be dowered and sold. And after that humiliation, still not being able to command respect unless she becomes the mother of a son.

Most Practical T Shirt

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Give me a lazy day and a computer, and this is what we get ….. posts about the most interesting (To me if not to any one else) stuff. After the “I hate Clowns T Shirt”, I started looking up other T Shirts and found this one!!!! It beats every other T Shirt I have seen in terms of practicality. Suffering from an itchy back? No problem at all. Just wear this TShirt and ask for help.

You even have a map to guide people.

“Just a little more. Get to F5 and start scratching. The spot is between F5 and F6. Thank you so much!”

Simply awesome.

backscratcher_shirt1.jpg

I Hate Clowns

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Just browsing on the net, I came across the website dedicated to hating

clowns. Here is the link to it http://www.ihateclowns.com/

I loved it. I hate clowns. I think people are fun, and clowns are some kind of aliens. I mean, they hide their faces under weird paint, wear some kind of funny nose and wigs. When I was little, a clown came and sat down next to me while I was having candy floss at a fair. It scared me so much that I dropped the darn candy floss. My parents actually clicked a picture of me looking daggers at the clown and trying to shift away from IT on the bench. They even thought we made a cute picture and they had it framed. I had to see it in their room for a long long time, that is, until I pushed it off the dresser and the frame broke. Thank God no one saw me do it – otherwise I would have been punished.

People especially funny people with twinkling eyes and a kind smile are s much more approachable. I have often seen kids bawl, cringe, and in extreme cases run away from the Mickey Mouse costumed clown or the Charlie Chaplin. They are intimidated by the weird alien. One really does not have to don a funny costume to bring a smile to a kid’s face.

They even sell T Shirts like the one in the picture.13603_135295_1_big1.jpg

Run-away Groom

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One of the most interesting weddings I have had the good fortune to attend has been the wedding of a friend’s friend. We were in college when this young dashing army officer was getting married to his childhood sweetheart. My friend had to attend the wedding and needed company. I was more than happy to accompany her. We reached the bridegroom’s place well in time for the baraat to leave. The bridegroom was an avid polo player and was very attached to his polo horse, a mare named Guinea. He insisted that he would ride his beloved Guinea to his bride’s place. The family had given in to this wish of his.

At the appointed hour, Guinea was brought from the stable to the groom’s front gate. She was skittish and would not allow herself to be decorated. With great difficulty, she wore some of the customary decorations. Then the rituals began. The sister in law of the groom came with the plate of chana to feed the horse. She backed away, snorting suspiciously. The sisters of the groom were too intimidated and refused to tie the decorative strings to her bridle. The groom took all this in good humour and climbed the mare, whispering soothingly into her ear. Then disaster struck. The band wallahs struck the noisy orchestra that accompanies every baraat. This was too much for poor Guinea. She took off in panic at a break neck speed with the groom astride her …. to the total astonishment of the baraatis.

After an hour the groom returned galloping at full speed to the house. His turban and sehra were a mess. The sisters jumped up in joy, and started teasing him and asked “Where did you go? We thought you had panicked and run away”

Even though he was sweaty and short of breath, his good humour was totally intact. He replied with an absolutely straight face “Oh Guinea got jealous and wanted to elope with me. I had to pacify her. So I rode her around the India Gate roundabout 7 times. Now she knows she is my Biwi No. 1”

Needless to say, the baraat had to go to the bride’s place without a horse. The bridegroom rode in a car!!!